A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys, keep beating myself up about this so hope you can all help.I had an affair with a gorgeous girl who i fell for big time, we get on so well, sex is amazing probably because its forbidden fruit etc and we share a deep bond and amazing attraction. She is in a longish term (3 years) relationship and he lives in a different city as do i. We have this crazy cycle though where we meet up have an amazing time things are good she then goes cold and distant and we then pick up after a couple of weeks and cannot igonre the attraction and it has happened again and again. She cannot handle it nor can i but she wont talk about it? She is not married no kids i dont know whats holding her back except perhaps she doesnt have to decide what it is she really wants while she has us both. After our last fall out i gave her an ultimatum by text as she wouldent answer her phone letting her know how much i wanted her and was in it for long term and to get in touch when the time was right. Well i gave her a couple of weeks and realised i missed her as a friend as well so got back in touch. This just confused us both like hell as there is much more going on here. Anyhow she flipped out and said she couldnt deal with being friends and no contact. I accepted this and just sent her a nice message saying how i felt and not to worry about things. I know she is confused as hell over her feelings and she thanked me for being so understanding saying she wouldent have been and how selfish she has been and she cares deeply for me and its for the best she ends it as we kid ourselves about being friends (yes we do it starts the merrygo round again). So its over.Then what happens she starts textin a couple of weeks later telling me how she feels sad and if im ok. So i call we talk for a good hour have a laugh agree she has been a bitch but i have had not much choice as i knew the score but i told her i would not normally let anyone treat me like that and if she was single and behaved in that way she would have been dumped ages ago. Talked about the amazing sex, missing kissing each other, perhaps meeting as 'normal' one day. Also talked about the fact she had a boyfriend and we shouldent have done what we have for the last year but it was gorgeous when we could? that i couldnt make her decisions for her. The feelings were still there on both sides?Now prior to this i had sent a couple of big texts saying this could be different no fighting etc power games but it was up to her cos if i carried on i would be settling for second best and i dont do that (i know i am not but she wont hurt him?) and if not i would have to move on.While it was good to talk i kind of drew some lines saying i wouldent put up with things if it were a normal relationship and she had a fella. Then a couple of days later she began texting me again teasing/flirting and yes it is fun but its that bloody cycle again and we even spoke about it on the phone. I dont even think she knows shes dooing it. I was not quick to respond as i felt she was taking liberties after our conversation but could tell she was desperate for my attention (probably seeing if im still hers on her terms! Talk about selfish) I dont want that anymore i want her properly without all the pain its caused us both not to mention her poor other half who probably doesnt know what the hell is wrong with her. She has gone against her own words in the no contact and this is wrong to chasing me again?Thing is i have sent a couple of big texts prior to this telling her its up to her now I dont do second best/wont keep chasing her and i will move on if nothing changes and its up to her. The feelings havent changed for me or her but she still is with him. Thats now my bottom line.Now she has always tried to skirt the issue with her boyfriend having her cake and eating it and i have let her for a while but a line needed drawing for all our sakes as it not fair on anyone. She knows this too and goes against her word.Now i know she has been trying to end it with him but he wont let her? So I just sent a text when she was text chasing me telling her 'i was going now and i knew she understood why and to take special care of herself and to never forget me'. It hurt like hell as i love her and have offered that girl a way of her present life and i think she was seriously considering me being first choice (think i am anyway but she is a weak coward) but what other choice did i have? Let the cycle continue? Try to talk when she wont? Try to be friends when we both know it doesnt work? Feel like calling her now for a chat but i know where that leads!!! and plus i will look rather stupid after saying 'goodby'. Thing thats hurting the most is i said goodby when i didnt want to but how else will she have to address her relationship issues? i just hope she doesnt feel i have abandoned her because she did reply to my text asking me if i seriously dint want her to contact me. I never replied. I feel i carnt after the big texts i had sent prior and our phone conversation. Someone tell me she knows why i have done this and its for the best. Im hoping she will now have to step back and make some decisions. especially as she will have to spend lots of time with her boyfriend over christmas and they are rocky and new year she will have to take a look at herself. Just feel bad that im not there for her and hope she doesnt think im a bastard cutting contact abruptly as i am not. Hope shes alright but what else could i do? One things for certain I wasnt going to have a nightmare Christmas being stuck as i was although i am hurting. Do you guys think i have done the right thing??? Help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (24 December 2007):
 I think you did the right thing. Now I worry that you will be able to stand your ground and not go running back to her and end up with the same old unfullfilling relationship. You are putting yourself through an emotional roller coaster with this woman while she is as you have stated, having her cake and eating it too.
Does she understand why you did this. Of course she does. Do you? Do you really understand what this relationship is doing to you? Enough to mean it this time? Seriously, you talk about loving her, blah, blah but I worry that you love yourself enough to keep that door closed with this woman until she is completely free to only be with you.
And really, I wouldn't open that door to her again no matter what. Find a new door that leads to a healthy relationship. That is what you need. You need a fresh start with someone who is willing, ready and able to be in a relationship. Yeah, I know easy for me to say sitting here but that is what I see at this distance.
Merry Christmas to you. I am sending you a dose of self respect and hope your 2008 is fantastic.
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