A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:so i feel like a little lost puppy. i have been with my man for a little over a year now and i travelled to another country to be with him. the relationship is good. we have our ups and downs. our arguments here and there but for the most part we love each other very much. i think anyway. i know i love him but sometimes i am not so sure he loves me anymore. i know that people tend to say things they dont mean when they argue but sometimes the things he says are really mean and hurtful. anyway. we have talked about marrying before. i had gotten a divorce from my ex husband and we thought that we should get married then i can stay and live in the country and we can both work and just live a good life. well, that was the plan i thought. he has said for months that he wants to marry me. it was the plan 2 months ago. the other day we argued cause i told him it upset me that he doesnt display affection in public like hold my hand. he said he's just not like that. confused me a bit cause that is one of the reasons i fell in love with him was that he had no problem doing that. was it the arguments we have that made him no longer want my affection in public? now the other night he told me that he is more intimate with me than he has been with anyone else. made me melt when he said that cause i dont get many compliments anymore. the fieryness of our relationship has faded a bit. blame the fighting i guess. but then told me almost in the same sentence that marriage is just a piece of paper and our relationship is fine the way it is without getting married.completely broke my heart. i have spent the last couple of months looking at rings in the shop windows just gearing myself up for the day that he surprises me with extreme romance and gives me a ring and asks me to be his wife. my exhusband never did that. i had gotten money for christmas from my grandparents and got myself a ring and my ex said "we will just use that as your engagement ring" and he got me a $100 wedding ring from kmart that i picked out. no romance. never asked me to marry him, nothing. and with all the romance this relationship has had i was just so looking forward to the day so that we could rekindle the love again. i dont even know what i am really asking here. i am just so sad and depressed. i just feel lost. just any advice of what i should do for myself i guess cause i cant sit here and cry every day. i am just sinking further into depression with the thought of losing his love for me slowly. thanks
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christmas, depressed, divorce, fell in love, money, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (14 August 2008):
 You are so obsessed with the whole idea of being married to this guy that's it's taken over your life, and changed you. Can't you see it? I have a feeling he's seen it, that's why he's suddenly changed his mind.
A lost puppy? Come on...how old are you? You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life is far far too short. It's not the end of the world, for goodness sake, nobody died. Have you seen all the suffering and nastiness going on around us?
If he's looking at you moping around and sulking, he's never going to want to spend the rest of his life with you.
Do yourself a favour and change your attitude, cheer up and forget marriage, for now, because the more you pressurise him the more he's going to back away from the idea.
When he's ready he'll ask you, but until then ~ be grateful he's still with you.
Happiness for a man is a woman who's happy.
So please cheer up and let him see the happy 'you' again, the 'you' that he first met and fell for. Put your mind to it and you can be that woman again.
Good Luck.
BigSis
xXx
Now
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Hi there,
I am loathe to say it, but after what you have said to us, maybe he just isnt into you anymore and he is looking for a way to get out of the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (13 August 2008):
 o.k.. yeah sure, but read your post again, I was exaggerating perhaps, but the tone of your post suggest exactly what I said.
If you dont like the answers then I suggest you dont ask.
People take time out of their day to read your problem and give the best advice based on the little evidence you provide, if you are not happy with this.. then I'm sorry maybe you should go elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok. half the post is not about my ex husband. i only mention him in one paragraph. my ex husband used to beat me. he is deffinetly out of my head. i only mentioned him cause i was so dissapointed in the way we were married and that i was looking forward to a proposal from a man whom actually loves and adores me. so i think you are wrong collaroy. and i am not obsessing. he has been the one this whole time that has said we should marry and now has suddenly changed his mind. we did talk about this last night and he just explained that he loves me but he's just not ready. said that all his brothers had good relationships got married and not even 6 months later the relationship would go bad. so i think he is in fear of this happening but it just really bothers me that someone can give my hopes up for so long and then change his mind. i just really love the man. best man i have ever been with and i seem to be getting more and more deppressed for really no reason.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (12 August 2008):
Hi there,
i think one of the big problems here is you comparing your new man to your ex husband. In fact half the post is about your ex husband. It seems you havent really got him out of your head yet, and your current beau must be aware of this.
You come across as desperate to get married, now while your current boyfriend was keen at first, I imagine if you keep mentioning it, it will only make him more anxious.
The only reason I can see why you absolutley have to get married now is if you need to for work purposes. Then he should do it so you can at least have your independence.
But in this day and age and with one marriage already behind you, I think you are obsessing a bit much over marrying this new man. The tone of your letter suggests you want to repair all the mistakes of your old marriage with your new man, but you should never use a new relationship to mend an old one - this can get you in all sorts of trouble. And by the sounds of it, you guys are heading for trouble.
Why don't you take a step back and not mention the M word for at least a month or two.. and focus back on your relationship and what is good about it. At the moment all you are focusing on is getting married, this is not doing your relationship any good at all.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, RitzaD.  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Okay so the problem I see is that in your first marriage there really wasn't any romance, u departed and moved on, that's good.
Now in the begining of ur second relationship it sounds as if u are so happy and excited, there's romance and talking about marriage makes u happy, and ur not afraid of getting married again.
But time passes by and the hope of getting married completely fades away, he is acting different towards u, and to make it even more worse he decides that marriage is just a peice of paper, knowing how much marriage means to you. what a change of heart from the begining to now.
As I read u do sound depressed, and I doubt marrying this guy is gunna help u emotionally, if anything u don't want to get into another marriage that isn't going to work out, im not trying to bring u down, but u diserve to be happy. Not many women have the strength to move on, or be with someone else after a divorce.
So talk to him about this, and make sure ur feelings for each other are still the same or stronger. Make it clear to him that its what u wanted since the begining and that its still what u want.
Hope u can figure out what u really want. Keep us updated.
Goodluck!
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