A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I am going to summarize everything and all I want to know is if YOU would want to be with someone like this.My GF before she met me: Slept with 18 people, involved in group sex, cheated, had an abortion, stripped for coke, lots of one night stands, would get drugged up and let RANDOM guys fuck her, bounced from guy to guy very quickly, would also fuck women, almost gave me herpes, very much into drugs such as coke, acid, x, pills, smoked meth, huffed air duster, smoked weed, drank A LOT, you name it she probably put it in her.My GF now: Lied to me about hanging out with her x while we were together, lied to me about her past, went behind my back to keep contact with x flings, still smokes weed, drinks heavly, likes to party, but says she loves me and that I am the best person she has ever been with...Sad thing is, I love her... But I can feel myself falling out of love with her... The more I know the more disgusted I am by her... I think I need to get out of this relationship.
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female
reader, logan reeves  +, writes (11 October 2008):
personally ... give her a chance. she has changed a lot. I used to be like she was, but then I met this guy who gave me a chance, and that was 2 years ago. we are still together, and i have come off the drugs, not cheated, stoped the lieing. i used to be a prostitute at one point to feed my coke habbit, and i stopped, just because i was given a 2nd cahnce. I am a different person now. and its clear that she is starting to change, give her the chance. I would!
A
female
reader, oxxvickixxo +, writes (3 June 2008):
Hey hun,
well.. personally i think i was kinda like that before i met my boyfriend.. i had slept with 13guys and could only think of going out and getting wasted and was always pulling my girlfriends and ending up in bed with one and there boyfriend, but it was all just the company i was keeping. since i met my boyfriend i stopped all this carry on, he knows about my past and i'm not sure how he feels about it but i know i would still be like that if i hadn't met him. Now i've cut out all my old friends completely and i'm a completely diffrent person
I guess what i'm trying to say is that if she wants to change she will and it has to be her decision to do this. i'm not trying to be bad but if shes not stopped by now she probably wont until she meets someone she really wants if she does stop at all.
Anyway hunnie you deserve better chin up n cheer up!!
xxx
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Reading your reply, it seems to me you'd be better moving on from her.
The problem is partly in your head, the fact that you can't get over her past. But the signs she's showing are only feeding your feelings. It's pretty clear that she can't be trusted and might do it all over again. If you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them.
In fact, it doesn't sound "perfect" with her, it sounds like your own private version of hell. Her drinking and lying are rather major flaws that could lead to a very bad scene. There are plenty of good women out there with whom you could feel more confident and secure and enjoy something more resembling a "perfect" relationship.
I'd just like to mention my own case. My relationship with my first girlfriend, many years ago, went on for seven years. It wasn't just her past. We broke up a few times and she went out and did things with other guys. I was on the same roller coaster ride for years, unable to forgive but unwilling to leave her. In the end I settled down to a kind of numb resignation. Finally I only managed to break it off with her completely after I met another girl. I wasted so many years of her life and mine agonising over all that stuff. Don't waste your time on this emotionally ailing relationship. Cut your losses and try for something better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): GET THIS WOMAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE A.S.A.P
dude, you seriously dont want someone with that kinda past, shes obviously still attached to it and misses it, find a better girl.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): you need to leave her she says she loves you but thats just to keep you around if she really loved you she wouldnt lie to you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the replies.She did not have a fling behind my back, she was keeping in contact with men who she had flings with behind my back... Like still keeping them around, or so it felt like.I am a roller coaster here, one minute I love her, the next I am disgusted by her. I cry, I smile, I am open, I am closed. I don't know what to do, part of me says DONT LEAVE you will get over this. Part of me thinks that if I ended it I could be ruining the most perfect thing... But part of me also thinks END IT NOW because she will lie and deceive you, maybe even cheat on you, or leave you for someone else.All I want, more than anything, is to stop thinking about all of this stuff in her past, the sketchy stuff she did in the beginning and just start over, clean. Clean my mind of all this rubbish, and see her for who she is now, and not obsess over who she was before me. But why can I not do this? What is it that is stopping me? Part of me thinks that it is like some kind of internal self defense. Part of me feels that this may be me trying to find something or anything wrong to end the relationship so that i can get out of this commitment.I always do this, with my gf's... Not this same exact thing, but always I find something wrong with them that just seems to over bearing to be with... I understand its a give-take thing, but shouldnt I be happy? Or maybe its me, stopping me from being happy, and not her at all... Well, I am definitely not happy with the stupid shit she did in her past, and I hate that she did that to herself, but... Why does it matter to me?One thing I have realized though is that no rational ideas will work... Such as just stop thinking about it... Because this is emotions, and rational thoughts do not really apply to emotions...All I know is that I want to be with her more than anything, but I have to get these thoughts out of my head... Help... Please...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):
If she normally sleeps with any decent BF after being with them for three weeks, and so do you, then there is not a difference in morality. Not even if you've only had 3 partners in your life and she's had 15.
But in this case, I see a major difference in the morality about sex itself.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (15 May 2008):
Anonymous, I think we've got two issues here:
1. The old "I can't forgive her for what she did in the past" thing. Do a search of Dear Cupid on "her past" or "her history" and you'll pull up screeds and screeds of threads of guys agonising over their girlfriends' past behaviour. Sometimes it's moral disgust, often it's just a visceral "I can't stand the fact that so many dicks have been in her". Yours is a pretty extreme case, with the drugs, alcohol, and random sex -- some guys obsess about their girlfriend having played "spin the bottle" in the past! But it's all part of the same syndrome.
This is something you're going to have to learn to get over, or move on. There is lots of advice out there ("her past made her what she is now", "the past is past, what matters is the future", "past lovers don't matter, what matters is that she chose you", etc.), but it's a very basic and emotional thing and with the best will in the world it's not easy to stop feeling the pain. If you can't stop obsessing, it may be better to move on.
2. What she is now. The points you mention are warning signs. Lying about her past doesn't matter. She was afraid that the truth would drive you away. Lots of girls will be tempted to lie about their past if telling the truth means losing someone they really want.
But the fact that she kept on with her ex while going with you and had a fling with him behind your back (I assume that's what you mean) is a bad sign. It means she's not just hiding her past; she's hiding things from you in the present and may do so again in the future. That's not a good thing in a relationship.
The heavy drinking and pot-smoking are also a bit of a worry. If you don't mind it, then that's fine, but it could cause problems. What happens if she has another sexual romp when she's drunk? What happens if her drinking and smoking habits start interfering with her work and (future) family?
These are things that worry me more than past behaviour. What's past is past, just about everybody has done things that they regret. But if her present behaviour indicates that she could end up hurting you and herself, and destroying your relationship, in the future, then you need to think carefully.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Thank you for your kind words. I can now see the situation is a bit more complicated than I first took it to be. As to what your going to do, I'm going to jump to conclusions again and say I think you've already started to make a decision and for you this will be the best and right decision. The only one that I can see you living with. Good luck to you both in whatever you do. I really am in your corner, you know. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses guys. I appreciate all your feedback (even DiovanLestat). The problem however, is a little more complex than what I have been talking about. Her and I also live together, and have financial ties together. Without her I would be in a bit of a bind, with her I want to die... Its direct conflict either way... I guess its which one is more important?I do like this girl a lot, shes completely awesome, completely amazing in so many ways. I think about the pros and cons, and the pros definitely outweigh the cons by far! So what she had some sex and did some drugs, experimenting right?Well, the problem is that I have morals and that I value someones self worth, especially the person I am with. Can I imagine her being the mother of my children? No... Can I imagine her being my wife? No...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): What a load of tosh to think you can escape your past. Your past and everything youve done within it forms the person you are. Should we let all murders out the prisons, should we welcome the child molester into our home to baby sit?This girls past troubles you thats why you posed the question. Its your call no one else and call it.Whats your gut instinct, there's no guarantees in life. You may carry on with her and learn loads about yourself, turn her around and then it end. You may leave her and meet a woman that breaks your heart, you may die of a brain tumour.what you can't do is erase the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Sorry you found me rude, and your insults do not bother me. It's just that I can't see how much support you can be to this obviously damaged woman feeling like you do. If you can't stand her past, then what are you going to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): listen she has quite a bad past but you say that your current relationship with her is fine?if you love her the past really shouldnt matter all that much..after all it is in the PAST look to the future...now if she is still doing all these things that's a different story but as long as she is doing alright now i dont see the point in bringing up her past..me personally if i were in your situation
1.you love her
2.she appearntly loves you saying your the best person in her life
yes i would be with her..iv had to go through a LOT of crap but i never turned to drugs either however that is what makes us different some people have weaker willpower or a different upbringing you shouldnt really blame them for it..as long as they are doing good NOW that's what matters...i truly wish you the best of luck because if you cant forgive her for what she has done in the past then you dont truly love her...remember to error is human to forgive divine...again best of luck and best wishes
-michael
P.S
i have some experiance in situation such as these feel free to message me if you want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): She did it because she had low self esteem. As well as maybe something in her mind isn't right. But people can grow & change. I had sex with a lot of men (22) when I was young, didn't do drugs like she did, or women, but my dad was never there and I was molested. I had low self esteem too. Now I am 26 & married with 2 kids. I will never go back to being promiscuous but my husband doesn't make me feel bad about my passed, and he has only been with one other girl before me..he's 33. I understand you're upset because if it weren't for the things she's done, you think you could really love her, & I understand the hurt. You've got to be devastated that someone you want to love could have done these awful things. However it really does not sound like you can get over it, so I would advise breaking it off. Don't tell her it is because of her passed, I think that will just do damage to her and possibly make her think she can change your mind. Just tell her it isn't working out, and leave it at that. I am really sorry that this didn't work out for you, you sound like you really wish it could be different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@DiovanLestat - You obviously do not know what you are talking about because you are jumping to conclusions that do not exist, such as me wanting to feel superior? Seriously, get your head together and learn some manners please. The only person no decent man would want to touch at this point would be someone, like you, who runs her mouth at the brim of a thought.
@A female reader, anonymous - You are wrong, her father was actually very much in her life, as well as her mother. Both of them were great parents, they are well rounded, nice jobs, dont drink or do anything habitual that I can think of.
In fact her life has been rather easy going. Everything has been given to her, she was in a great college but through it all away to a life of drugs and sex. A GREAT college, one of the best colleges around. She threw it away, just like her pride and her self worth.
Some of this I knew getting into the relationship, some of it was not known until throughout. The real tie breaker though was when I found out she had been lying to me.
I think if it was one, without the other, this would be ok. But, I feel like when you add both the lies and the past together it makes for a sickening relationship. It also make me sick to think that she put all those dicks inside her, all those drugs, this girl... Who I gave myself to... Such a slut and gave herself to everyone else before me. Should I really just say, oh its in your past, its no big deal that you fucked countless random people for the fun of it.
What the fuck is wrong with her, why would she do this to herself... I feel like there is no excuse good enough. I have been through lots of hard times, but I never turned to drugs to fill the void. FUCK! I hate this world.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Yes I would want to be with her. She probably had a messed up childhood. Let me guess, her father was never around, right? And now that she has changed (for the most part) you want to abandon her too? If you love her, don't look at her passed. Don't bring it up with her. She's obviously ashamed of it. I know a lot of people that used to be like her that have changed and grown over the years. If the weed smoking & drinking bothers you, tell her to stop. If she won't stop & you can't live with it, then you know what to do. If she is truely making an effort to be good to you now, then don't leave her b/c of her passed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): By itself, the past doesn't matter.
The problem is that it usually tells you so much about that person's present & future, too.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Isn't this called train crash women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I can't see what the problem is. You don't love this girl, she disgusts you. You judge her lifestyle and do not approve of her habits, friends or activities. Your completely different people. You judge her for a past that she can do nothing about. It seems like the only reason your with her is to feel superior to someone. To you she's "a girl like that", probably someone no "decent" man would touch. You may be the best man she's ever met, but considering the type of guys she associates with I wouldn't take that as a compliment. Put yourself and her out of this misery. Tell her that you just don't suit and have different interest in life. Hopefully she'll find someone who can talk about her a little more kindly and compassionately than you have done so far.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 May 2008):
I've ready your update that you aren't bothered about what she is like now, only her past.
Personally though since you mentioned all the things she has done during your relationship I think it obviously bothers you and she has messed you about and lied about some big things. (Ex's and keeping in touch with them in secret are a big warning sign to me.)
Her past is her past and if she has changed then it shouldn't matter.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, les +, writes (14 May 2008):
Think about the statement that you're falling in love with her.
True love is loving a person for who they are and what they are. However, often are often fooled into thinking that feeling on wanting to hold onto something is a feeling of love, when really, its just that old saying, people want things that they cant have. Obviously, with her lying and cheating and doing drugs and her past, you realize that you can't have her completely, and that might make you want her even more. Its completely normal for guys, especially at your age, to chase unattainable women.
So, I think that you should really evaulate your feelings for this girl. Is it true love? Or is it just that you want to her have her?
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female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (14 May 2008):
 get rid of her! what kind of future or present for that matter can u have w/a girl like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, let me kind of revamp here. My real problem is not so much what has gone on during our relationship, but really what she was like before our relationship. She did not want to tell me some of the stuff from her past because she thought I would hold it against her, which... I seem to be doing... The things that have happened during our relationship are sketchy but, can be looked over... Its the stuff like all the drugs she used and all the guys who she let fuck her that really bothers me the most here. Im not perfect either, but, I have not gone down a path like her and I dont think I can love her like I want to because of the things I know about her...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I hate to say this, but if that isnt your sort of scene, then you probably should get out.
Im not for breaking up relationships if its possible to stay together, but what you describe is very extreme behaviour and from my experience with friends who have gone down that path, the normal is usually too boring for them. They are used to such a high level of stimulation that living without it is not possile.
I hate to say this, but I was with a guy like that and for your own safety and sanity, get out. Once she gets back into the hard drugs you may end up paying to bail her out of jail, and having to pick her up from horrible horrible places. Addicts rely on oter people and they dont realise that they are draggin the people they love into the gutter (literally!) with them.
Im sorry that this is negative but if you are having doubts then get out!! thats all I can say, from experience!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): In my opinion, you definitely need to get out of that relationship. She's lying about the things she did in the past and doesn't seem in a hurry to sort herself out. How do you know that she's still not doing all of those things?I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.Good luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2008):
 You may indeed be the best person she's ever been involved with, from the report you gave of her. But that doesn't mean you need to stay with her. I think you're right to be questioning the longterm viability of this relationship, because if she is still partying, drinking and smoking weed, she's going to wind up making stupid, awful choices. And some of these choices could be hazardous to your health.
The fact she's lying about things, well, I think that she's not likely to stop doing that. You will be worried about her and what she's doing and who she's doing it with for the rest of this relationship. This cannot be good for you or your own mental and physical health.
You're already going there, you said you're falling out of love with her and are disgusted by what she's done and what she's doing. I would give you permission to break up with her in an instant, but you don't need my permission or anyone else's either. You just need to do what you know you have to do. Break up with her as gently and firmly as you can, and don't give her any hope that you'll want her back.
Take care of yourself.
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