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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, this is my first time doing this, im also using my wifes account!! im really confused, the other day my wife asked me if i fancied any one and i didnt think i did, but after thinking about it all night i realised i do fancy atleast 10 people, i told her and also told her if i had the chance that i would sleep with them, i think 8 out of the 10 were her close frieds. which we see everyday. now shes acting really weird and going out alot getting drunk, im not happy with her doing this.and worried about her getting hurt. she hardly talks to me now. any help please, what have i done wrong!!
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reader, Rainee  +, writes (9 June 2006):
 Take a bit of advice from someone who's come from a messed up family: Almost all cheaters will cheat again (and with his "I would sleep with them if I got the chance" he certainly will) and those that don't have damaged their relationship irrevocably anyways. Clearly you two should never have married at all. Divorce should be your option of choice right now. The man should not be commended for his honesty - it is a very dishonest and terrible man to marry a woman when he does not completely love her, so that he would lay with another woman (or man if that's how it goes) and then tell the woman he has no respect for her, (which is what he said, even if those weren't his exact words) ESPECIALLY when she's in the delicate state right before birth. He has hurt his wife when she most needs support from her man. I don't see much chance for happiness here. No amount of talking, therapist or otherwise, will fix this (People will tell you it will - but it won't. It will only help you come to terms with the matter, not fix him from being a horrible person). You can't erase your memories of what is going on, and what is happening will be ever-present in your relationship. With children involved, it is best to end the marriage as soon as possible, so they might have a better future set for them by the time their memories solidify. If you try the path of reconciliation, it could take years and years to get past this (if you ever do) and until then, no matter the happy act you may try to put on for the children, children can and do notice when things are bad, and it can and will damage them. And as for the drinking (which may or may not be true considering the man stated it) IF IT IS TRUE, it wasnt that wise. Have you not heard of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? Drinking, especially to the point of being drunk, is dangerous to a baby at any stage in womb. I would strongly advise against this and think of your baby. This all sounds very harsh, I know, but the moral of this story seems to be that the truth can really hurt.
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (9 June 2006):
 I was just about to say the fact that the wife is giving birth next week explains more than amply why she asked the question. And I was going to add how unforgiving a man to be so brutally honest and hurtful during this time especiallyNow i have just read the wife's comment and my heart goes out to her. Sadly we hear about this happening a lot, but what a two-faced brute to come here and pretend like he hadn't done anything. Liar cheat and unfit to be a father in my opinion. Sorry.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (9 June 2006):
 I see so he didnt tell us the big part in all of this then!! Im not sure the way you want to go, I for one didnt think you were being unfair, its what us woman do ask silly questions and i have tried to help him to stop being so dumb, but that was of course before i realised he had cheated! Okay it was a drunken night, so maybe that didnt help matters, but you gotta ask yourself as you know him more then we do, is this out of character, i mean would he have ordinarily done something like this ? Was it the drink that gave him the courage to do it ? Okay so you have not heard it from him yet ? Well im guessing he can maybe read this so maybe already knows that you now know! But what i cant believe is that he knew he has already cheated so why then make himself look more stupid and answer your questions saying he fancies them!! Its clear that he does, but you do need to get his side of things, confront him. If he showed remorse and was sorry for what he done surely the right time to have come clean was when you asked him the questions ? he could have begged for forgiveness, told you it was a mistake, told you he wasnt sure what he was doing, but he did none of that, so hes not even sorry by the sound of it or he would have tried to at least be honest with you. you need to ask him why as im sure you want to know! The thing is right now your pregnant so anything you do hear from him might not be clear in your head, so I dont know if you need to bide your time a bit and see how you truly feel about what he has done. Decide whether you want to put it down to a one off drunken mistake and that you can move on, or whether you think hes likely to do it again given the chance. Only you can know this, but you need him to tell you his side before you can decide. If hes not showing any remorse then i suggest you really need to re think your position. Cheating is one thing, but to do it when you are pregnant is out and out shite! and to then not confess when he had the opportunity, how weak is he!! hes not even tried to make you feel better, or shower you with more affection than normal, so maybe its guilt, but hes got a long way to go i feel! I know you must be feeling really down, but you gotta think in your heart do you want to carry on with this or has he now done too much damage. Remember you have your baby to consider, whatever the outcome, you will have your baby and show it all the love it needs, with or without him.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you can work things out.
Take care and good luck with your baby. xx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 June 2006):
 Ah ha! I knew that guy was a loser! All suspicions confirmed! To the wife: As soon as you can after you have your baby, get a lawyer and file for divorce, making sure that you get every single cent that's coming to you and your children. You will never have a moments peace with this insensitive slob. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi im the wife. ive only just noticed my husband as written on this, and on my account. many of you said i wasnt fare that i asked him this question if i wasnt going to handle what ever the result would be, well there is a reason i did ask these questions, one of my close friends (ones that he fancies) came to my house last week, she burst into tears saying her and my husband had sex on a drunk night out. i wasnt out with them being so pregnant. i was trying to get the truth out of him from a different angle. so before you hate me for trying to trick him to tell me the truth.i was just trying to handle it in my own way. if you have any advise i would love to know it. thankyou!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): WOW you really stuffed up big time.if you were telling the truth i suggest you really take a moment to ask yourself if you really want to be in that relationship and if you are really in love with your wife because why would you want to sleep with 10 other people if you were really in love with your wife? like its ok to maybe find someone attractive but you stating that if you could sleep with them you would ,thats way more involved and if you really cared for your wife you would not have said such a hurtful thing.
my bf told me once that if he could he would sleep with one of his female friends,i didnt talk to him for over 3 months and i totally fell out of love with him, so i can tell you straight away what your wife is thinking, 1) she has no self esteem left because you totally destroyed it 2)she now has no trust in you because you just admitted that you would cheat 3)she probably feels like she does not know you anymore.
i can tell you from my experience aswell that i did stay with my bf but only becase of financial problems and unable to get out of the relationship, i now have a job so im slowly saving my money but that incident happen over 1 year ago and trust me i think about what he said EVERY DAY, and i dont trust him at all, so no offence but i can totally understand why she would not want you at the birth of the second child, i would totally do the same.
I think she was out of line asking you such a stupid question, a quesiton on which she new if not answered with the answer she wanted then everything would go down hill but she was probably asking you that for re asserance, hoping that the response would be " no darling your the only one i fancy" but instead she got a major unexpected wake up call.
P.S just so you know i didnt ask my bf if he liked anyone or wanted to sleep with anyone else, he just out of the blue told me he wanted to sleep with that other girl.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (5 June 2006):
Dear oh dear.... Did you not learn a single thing from the first error!? You should have thought through what you were going to tell her! Then apologised... When a woman asks you what is it you like about these other woman, you do not under no uncertain terms tell them that the other women are curvier, thiner or dress better!! I didnt realise she was pregnant, when you mentioned she had gone out and got drunk and wasnt talking to you,assumed she was trying to get noticed and make you aware she was annoyed, so to be pregnant go out and get drunk you must have really upset her. Given that she is pregnant she is likely to take more things to heart than usual, afterall she is probably feeling a bit on the fat side (even though to be expected when pregnant) hormonal, generally tearful and a bit unattractive. I think she will calm down when she eventually goes into labour, will need you, so go anyway, if only to have to sit outside, you gotta show your support and your gonna have to simply apologise in the meantime, and tell her that it came out the wrong way... What you should have said was something along the lines off " i just think they are attractive articulate women, who carry themselves well, and there is no need for you to be anything like them darling as you are wonderful and attactive as you are and I love you!" I fell for you because you are ... and list the things that made you attacted to her, and go on to let her know how much you love her and fancy her and find her attractive! Now i dont know how you are gonna get outta the mess, but your gonna have to grovel, and hope she calms down, the best thing aswell is that as soon as shes had the baby that you pamper her tell her how special she is and how great she looks! even if she doesnt, you gotta boost her confidence and tell her that shes the most important thing to you and that you think shes got a great glow being a mum again! something like that, your gonna have to work on the compliments and things, and never mention other women again!! if you get into any awkward situations like this again, dont say the first thing that comes into you head, put yourself in the womans place and think what would she like to hear, in the main we like to hear that we are the best there is and that you love us warts and all! never ever compare her to anyone else, and always make her feel the special one and thats she got what others havent got, think about her special qualities and enhance them and tell her what makes her so great! Just remember if your stuck in a situation, just tell her you love her and thats she really special!
Take care, and try not to go putting your size 9's in! think before you speak!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 June 2006):
You did the world a huge dis-service by reproducing, shame on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiononly me!! i told my wife last night i was really sorry, and that i was just being honest. she said tell me how i can change to be more like them, what is it about them all, didnt think things could get worse so i told her that i like there thin curvy figures and the cloths they wear!! shes now told me that she doesnt want me to be at the birth of our second child next week!! really worried our marriage is over and that i wont be able to see my children for a while, please help!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): Man are you A DUMBASS
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): Man I hope my future wife won't give me bullshit tests like that if she can't handle the truth. For me I wouldn't have lied, but I also wouldn't have told her anything, smile and give her a kiss good night.
What you can do is visit her at the bar she's drinking at one night, and take her somewhere quiet for a chat. I wouldn't say that you didn't mean it when you said those things, because she will question your integrity (possibly). Instead, you can just apologize, reassure your love for her (not all women like flowers), etc.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 Did you really mean it when you said you would sleep with them if you had the chance? If thats true then you have to ask yourself if you should be married?
If it wasn't true, then you can go back to your wife, apologize profusely, and tell her that you didn't mean it.
Acknowledging that you think someone is attractive is one thing. Saying that you would sleep with them if you got the chance is something else altogether! It's rather like the question: 'does my bum look big in this?', to which there is always and will always be only one answer.
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (2 June 2006):
You KNOW what you've done wrong. You failed her test but shame on her for posing it. Why do women ask questions that they don't really want to know the answer to? Whilst thinking you are a little mad to have told her, I am not sure who's dafter, her for asking or you for answering truthfully. I'm sure all men and women look at other people and perhaps sometimes an involunaty reaction shows us that we are attracted, but this question/answer went too far. My ex fancied Kelly Brook (sure he still does) and I work in the entertainment industry. He couldn't understand why it bothered me that for him to fancy a pin up seemed like a real attainable person to me. It wasn't until we were at a 'do' and so was she that he realized that talking about other women, no matter who they are, isn't nice to hear. But seriously, mean fancying them (and her friends too) is one thing, but telling her you'd sleep with them? Man, you have some grovelling to do!
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male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (2 June 2006):
 Man are you insane. You never tell a woman you fancy another woman. I would have answered this way, "What? I didn't know GOD made anything more beautiful than you." "and if he did I'm sure he kept it for himself." Sometimes the truth isn't ALWAYS the best way. Buy flowers and candy and beg and grovle for a couple of days. Good Luck.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (2 June 2006):
Speaking from a womans point of view, whilst I agree with Eyeswideopen, sometimes to be lenient with the truth is best. But we should in this day and age be able to speak openly and honestly about anything and everything to our partners. We shouldnt have to worry that they are gonna get all paranoid or sulky, but well at least you know now to be a bit more diplomatic with the truth. It will take a while to make it up to her. Your going to have to make her feel really special, more special than ever before, shes feeling unattractive because you told her you fancy half her friends for god sake!!!! One you probably coulda got away with... but to tell her there was 8 out of 10 you would probly sleep with if given the chance! No wonder shes sulking!!! You really gotta suck up to her and make her feel like number one, and the most attractive woman in the world! Right now shes thinkig at any given moment your gonna latch on to one of her friends cos they are more attractive than she is. You have got to tell her that your sorry for saying it in the way you did but you were trying to be honest, but just because you said they were attractive doesnt mean anything and that she is far prettier than they are and you love her with all your heart! But you gotta say it like you mean it, flowers in hand would be good, tell her your real sorry and didnt mean to upset her and ask how you can make it up to her. She will calm down, but you gotta get in there first with an apology, if you ask her whats up and you act like you dont know then you will be in even more trouble! take it easy and I wish you luck!
take care
x
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2006):
Man, you sure don't know anything about women do you!? First off, the correct answer to her question was "NO, I don't fancy anybody but you, sweetheart." Doesn't matter if it's not entirely true,that's the only answer to that particular question. Now you'll have to make it up to her and I mean big time, flowers, hugs and kisses, compliments. She'll get over it in time, and remember, you are dealing with the woman you love. Don't forget to think before you answer any more tricky questions. Good luck
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