A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Basically ever since I was younger I've always had this preconception of guys as hard and unfeeling and only wanting sex.So when I picked a boyfriend, I picked one who wouldn't be emotional or sensitive or want me to open myself up, nor one that looked "hard", strong, attractive, and into sex. I acted just like I thought a typical man would want. Not being clingy, not talking about emotions, initating sex, not getting jealous when they go out with friends, not saying I love you, not telling them how I feel, acting a little cold (only sometimes) to make them feel like they're still on a chase, not talking about a future. Basically, I tried to be the "perfect" girlfriend.Yet after 5 months he broke up with me, the reason being because I did all of those things listed above.I didn't feel sad at all in truth, because though I was beginning to really like and trust him, all I was truly in love with was the idea of having a bad boy; and I didn't open myself up enough to get hurt. However, I do not understand why he ended it, provided I acted like the type of girl a man wants?I have met someone new and I do not want it to end because my idea of men is all wrong?What is it men want and what am I doing wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): Ask yourself where your preconceptions came from? Did you see these things happening in relationships around you, and take experience from people you have met in life? Or were your conceptions crafted by things you have seen on TV and in movies?Maybe the types of relationships they portray appeal to some, but I couldn't imagine them being what I'd want. Whatever you've been basing your conceptions of relationships on has made you insecure about being yourself, and finding the type of guy that makes you happy.I certainly don't like to be constantly clung to or wooed on, but hearing "I love you" now and then makes me feel loved, and talking about feelings makes me feel on equal footing in the relationship. I like it when my GF initiates sex, but I enjoy seducing her as well.You sound like you are very collected and in control of yourself. You can do what you want, and act how you please. You go into a relationship as a woman on a mission. More power to you, because I'm sure you'll go far in life. For your relationships, though, take some time to figure out what that mission is. What do you want out of the relationship, not just what will be 'perfect' for him? If you're acting out some script that isn't yours, either you're gonna get burned out, or its going to feel contrived and weird to him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie.
WHY ACT? DO NOT ACT BE YOURSELF.
if you are totally 100% true to yourself and do what you think is right based on how you feel (not what you read) then the man you end up with will be right for you.
ACTING is phony.... you present what you think men want and while you may find one that is happy with what you present...in the long run YOU will be miserable and eventually the act will fade and then he will accuse you of snaring him under false pretenses.
better to be yourself 24/7 and find a guy that likes you for you... not some fantasy you concocted based on BS you read in a magazine or a book.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 February 2013):
 Honey you got it all backwards....
You wrote (and I quote)
I acted just like I thought a typical man would want.
Don't ACT around people you care for. BE you. Let people get to know and love YOU for YOU, not some "created persona" that you THINK they may like.
There is no such thing as a perfect person. That is the charm. We love people DESPITE or BECAUSE of their imperfections.
So he was with your for 5 months as all he got was a fictitious character, never the real you.
Being someone's girlfriend isn't a ROLE you play it is YOU they want to be with, so BE you. Sometimes though people just don't click long term, not because there is something "wrong" with either of the people, just because they weren't a match.
Learn from this, and next time just BE you!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 February 2013):
Hi there. It is best to relax and be yourself, and don't hold back from just being you.
In many ways being friends with a guy is similar to being friends with a girl.
In the beginning, you need to be friends and get to know each other, to see if you actually like the guy in the first place.
And also, to see if you have some things in common.
And then over time, you will see if there is any chemistry there between you.
You need to show emotions sometimes, which shows you have personal warmth, and that you care - a quality which draws all people to you, like a magnet.
Whenever you act kind of cold and unfeeling, the message that often sends to others, is that you DON'T care about anything.
And it ends up pushing people right away from you.
And that is not what you want.
Men do like a challenge when it comes to winning a woman's heart, but they don't want it to come too easy.
Not TOO hard either, though. Somewhere in between.
And they like to be kept on their toes, which means a little bit of unpredictability - from time to time.
And when a woman is in a relationship, it's really important that she still keeps her friends and the life she lived before meeting her new man.
Which equates to, actually seeing her friends perhaps once or twice a week, and continuing to do any sports, hobbies and interests - as she did, before she met her new man.
This helps her to keep her individuality, which makes her unique to him.
Keeping in mind, this is the woman he fell in love with in the first place, so he wouldn't like that to change.
And it's fair to say, that a man should also keep all his friends, and see them at least once or twice a week, and keep in touch.
And also, continue on with any sports he did before he met his new lady, and also to keep his hobbies and interests current, so he has other things in his life, as well as the relationship.
This is equally important to both the man and the woman.
Life does not stop just because you have met someone.
You are both entitled to live the life you want to live, and still have a relationship.
And without a life outside of the relationship, life can become rather one dimensional, and somewhat boring.
Just so long as all yours and his hobbies, sports, and seeing friends, doesn't interfere with the relationship in a negative way.
But that just comes down to compromise - on both sides.
Men really do like a woman who is independent, knows who she is and what she wants from life, and won't be pushed around or disrespected by anyone, anytime.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 Men want to be rewarded for their effort. When all you give them is sex they won't be thrilled because sex is everywhere and valueless. Men have a built in desire to protect and nurture, not just spread their seeds. Even a bad boy wants a woman to fall in love, because that's the main challenge. The key is to love enough to inspire, but not too much they feel smothered. The flaws that you talked about, being jealous of them hanging out with friends, being over sensitive and clingy, talking about the future too soon etc. These are how little girls love. A mature woman loves totally and vulnerably, but only to a guy who deserves it. The only time a woman should have "man skills" is to decisively eliminate poor choices, such as bad boys (the abusive, dangerous ones), insecure wimps, and attached married men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): This was trouble from the outset. You acted like a man - he wanted a GIRL friend.
Not all men act this way, so try to remove this misguided preconception and get to know a guy instead of prejudging him. Put it down to experience, and next time be yourself - you're the perfect girlfriend for someone out there just the way you are, no change necessary!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 February 2013):
 Yes your idea of men is wrong, they aren't some kind of other species, men have feelings too. They don't want to date an emotionless robot who refuses to show affection or open up emotionally. You don't want to be clingy, but you don't want to be completely cold. Just be yourself, don't try to be "the perfect girlfriend." There is no such thing. There is just you, or pretend you. Pretend you sucks, just be yourself.
What you want from a boyfriend? That's about what he probably wants from a girlfriend.
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