A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with the same man for 9 years, married 5yrs. I had fallen in love with the man of my dreams. Very supportive, great father and all around good husband (that's just what I thought).3 months ago, out of the blue, he confessed he had been having an affair with his co-worker. During the affair, I was pregnant with our second child. The guilt was killing him... I was devastated... even more after he confessed that she wasnt the only woman! He cheated on my 3 times in our 5yr span.... and who knows how many times while we were dating.Not only did he confess to me, but he also apologized to both our families, confessed his horrible sin to our priest and is now in the process of repentance. We are currently participating in a program on order to rebuild our marriage. I have not forgiven him, but Im working towards that. But theres another issue. During the early weeks of knowing of his betrayal, I had so many mixed emotions. There were days where I was so heartbroken, I couldnt even eat. Other days, I would simply stop feeling sorry for myself and become furious with the thought. I found comfort and distraction from a friend/coworker, who knew of his wrong doing. To make a long story short, out of anger and resentment, I ended up stooping down to my husbands level. I thought if I caused my husband the same pain, I would be able to move on... but that was not the case at all. I still feel the pain from his betrayal... I simply feel stuck and unable to move foward. I dont see the same man I fell in love with. To make things worse, I dont feel guilty for what I did, Im so angry that he brought all this upon us. I was so good to him and I would have never imagined us being where were at.Im still hanging in there for my kids, but I still feel like im on a roller coaster of emotions. He is aware of the close relationship I built with this fiend and my reasons behind it, but he doesnt know that I followed through with my threats.I feel like a hypocrite if I dont tell my husband what Ive done, but I feel like its going to bring even more pain into our marriage if I do.After all the hurt he has caused my family, should I confess my infidelity now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): Both you and your husband are screwing around on each other. Your hurt and pain doesn't justify yiur adultery. Can you see your life unfolding: husband in the dog box for cheating on you. Both families are involved and know of his cheating. You act the hurt wife, devastated with all this cheating. And then you go Fing around as well. Very unhealthy. You need to tell him that you also decided to try some on the side. Ask him how he feels now knowing that you are sampling others as well. You both have made a mockery of your lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): sure, tell him. let it be known his behavior won't be tolerated any longer and you are not one for sitting around waiting until he finishes doing 'his thing' and come back home with his wife and kids.
and as far as staying in a loveless marriage for the kids' sake comes... i don't think that's healthy at all. things happen for a reason. maybe it wasn't meant to be for you two. find a more respectful and loving husband. good luck!
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 There are moments in time, when we all make decisions, or do very small things that change our lives for ever.
Your husbands decision to cheat then come clean has changed everything. Your reaction out of anger has compounded the situation.
What do you hope to gain from telling him that you were also unfaithful? An amount of personal satisfaction? You want him to feel the same anger that you do? This is an understandable emotion, but will it help to bring you closer, or tighten the family unit? I don't think it will.
It all boils down to what you want for your life from now on. You know what your husband is like, so you know how he would re-act to your confession. Would he hug you and smile with an understanding nod? Would he hit the roof? Would he walk out?
For me, your key statements are 'I don't see the man I fell in love with', and 'I don't feel guilty for what I did'.
I think that all the advice in the world will not stop you from telling your husband, because when he involved the other members of both families, that made you more angry than anything else. If you are truly trying to rebuild this marriage, ask yourself if another massive body blow will help it, or destroy it completely. And if you try to keep your secret hidden, what will happen if it comes out?
So I would honestly tell him. I would tell him why you cheated. I would tell him EXACTLY what you wrote, (why not print your question, and show him). I would make him aware of your angry state of mind. But only if you feel you have the strength and desire to fight for your marriage after the dust settles.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): Telling him about what you did is not going to make anyone feel better. It is best to wait until your relationship is a bit more stable again (if that will happen)before you mention the fling. There is no right or wrong answer to staying with him either. If you can put up with all his other habits try to stay with him for as long as possible for the kids benefit as lousy as the friction between you might be kids need a mum and dad. At least he is around as a father figure if he still lives with you. There are not many perfect relationships around so try to focus on anything good in the relationship and if it is that bad, then move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): You need counseling, personally as well as perhaps marriage counseling, but definitely personally.
Not with a priest more likely than not. Nothing against priests.
Don't try to do this alone. Don't make major life/relationship decisions while you are in the emotional state you are in.
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A
male
reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Absolutely. Especially if the two of you are attempting to reconcile. The only real start to a healing process is exposing everything so the wound can be cleaned.
There's really little consolation that can be offered in a situation like this. That anger is something that you will hold onto for a really long time. The truth is your relationship will never be the same.
You can view this in two ways. You could see this as a dark end in your history as a couple, or you can view it as an opportunity to spark a resurrection from the two of you. If he's sincerely wanting to make the effort to change his perspective and repent for his mistakes, then there's still hope for the two of you to find the couple you were 9 years ago, only stronger and closer. But if that's what you want, you'll have to forgive him, and you'll have to be honest about your mistake as well.
And, as a side thought, you both have to want it for you. As noble as it seems to keep it together for the children, it normally reflects poorly to have parents who stay in a loveless marriage.
I hope, in any case, it all turns out for the best.
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