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2 year relationship just ended. How to move on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 November 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 29 November 2016)
A male United States age 22-25, *he unstable entrepenour writes:

I remember that it hurt. Hearing the words hurt - and at the same time, it felt like something out of a movie, like it wasn't happening. After all, how could it? It had been merely a week since our second anniversary, and as an anniversary gift she had given me a card that said, "I promise to be with you for all the years to come."

I couldn't even begin to process it. "How do you feel," she asks me, trying to decifer my off smile and my wondering eyes. I only smile because I don't know what to say, what to feel. I don't fight it, I merely say allright, shed a couple tears, and drop her off at her house. It took me a couple days for my emotions to catch up with me - and oh boy, did they come in force. Like a thousand crashing waves, every single negative emotion in the book comes, all at once, all clamoring for my attention in a sea of deprecating voices: "you weren't enough," "she got tired of you," "you aren't good enough for anyone" ; and as I struggle to get them in check, I was still left wondering: why exactly did it happen?

I never got a straight answer to that question; at least, none that I understood. She mentioned that she wanted to try being with a girl (she's bi, but not in practice yet), that I had been insensitive about one fight that we had more than a year ago, that I was too unstable in my life for her to think about settling down with me. "If my ex had asked me to move in with him, I would've done it in an instant" she said. Surprisingly enough, her life wasn't in any way better than mine: a education major working as a cashier at one of the lowest paying grocery shops in the area, with no car telling me, a computer engineering major with a car, and a delivery job earning 2.5x more per hour as her.

While I could see how she was right, since I had been thinking about dropping out of school, and I had changed my major more than three times in the last six months, I just didn't understand why that was an issue now, all of a sudden. The only answer I can come up with is that perhaps the spark, that magical, elusive feeling that binds people together just died over time for her, while mine grew stronger and stronger. While she was thinking about how to break the news to me, I was thinking what would be the best date to travel to Disneyland with her, since she had told me not too long before, that she'd like me to propose to her at the Cinderella Castle.

I write this now, two months later, even thought it feels like a lifetime ago. My speculating and unstableness paid off after all; because I was willing to take risks, I dropped out of school, and started working in Real Estate. In the first month, I rose from Intern to District Manager at a local firm, and when some shady situations came to light regarding the owners, I left the firm, and opened my own. I'm earning four times what I was before, and it'll only grow from here. Even so, I still look back and wonder what could've been. When she ended things, it felt like someone had taken a hammer to the glass sculpture that was my future with her; and even though I'm not crying over it anymore, I have yet to pick up the pieces, and start again.

I guess all of that is backdrop for the question of: How to move on from here? I'm a 19 year old guy, dropped out of college with no friends (started my relationship when I moved to the country, so she was the first person I started talking to and I never looked past her) and a business of my own. I can't just conveniently find friends/dates at college/work; and Tinder/OkCupid haven't gotten me any matches... Just out of loneliness and because I have no one to talk to, I've tried talking to her again under the whole "let's try to be friends" thing. It hasn't really worked, our chemistry is completely gone, and half of the time I do it, I feel bad for even needing to talk to her at all

View related questions: anniversary, move on, my ex, spark

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (29 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntOkay first off stop trying to be friends with her, at the moment you are doing well and you are only going to take a huge step backwards if you begin talking to her, even as a friend. I understand that you are lonely but you need to have her off limits. End all contact. Block all methods and wish her luck with her life.

Well done on your success, that cannot just be something to not mention as it is a huge deal for a 19 year old to own half a business. So already you have done more than a lot your age has. Yes you may have dropped out off college but you have a business to focus on, so well done. Remember how far you have become and be proud off yourself.

Now it can be tricky having the career and the lifestyle without having anyone to share it with. But honestly what is the rush? You are only single two months, and you where with her since am guessing about 17. So why the need to meet someone now? Why not enjoy life being single and when the right time comes a woman will surely walk in to your life?

If it was me I would be concentrating on work, but I would also be making an effort to see friends, do sports, do any hobbies you enjoy. Meet new people. Go to the movies. Live your life and be the happiest you can be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016):

Hi there,

Sorry to hear of your heartbreak.

Its 2 weeks into my breakup after 6 years and its going to hurt for a long time. The way you described it is exactly how I feel.

Give yourself time to heal, mourn what could have been, grieve the loss and in time you will know when you're really ready.

Don't contact her again, that's going backwards. She chose to move on.

Meet people through your business and sport/hobbies and you will eventually make friends and date again.

Good luck and be happy.

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A male reader, The unstable entrepenour United States +, writes (26 November 2016):

The unstable entrepenour is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks guys! and @Andie's Thoughts, I thought it wasn't possible either, it took me by surprise when I realized it was happening. I have an older business partner (50/50 owners) and investment capital so that's how we got it funded. To be honest I don't miss her anymore, which is how I know I've started to move on. However, I do miss spending time with someone, and I'm having trouble connecting with other people. The US is funny like that. From 18-21 you're in limbo and all your friends/dates have to come from college because you're not old enough to get into clubs/bars/events where alcohol may be present.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (26 November 2016):

N91 agony auntDo you feel like you're fully over it now? If not then I wouldn't worry about trying to go on dates and stuff yet as if you're not ready then nothing good is going to come out of it.

Do you have no friends at all in your area? It may be worth looking into clubs and social events where you could start to meet new people. I'm sure there's plenty of events in your area that you could go to and meet like minded people.

And block her number man, it's over and there's no point going back to it.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (26 November 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDon't try to be friends.

Should this all be true (most 19 year olds wouldn't have the money or resources to jumpstart a business in a month), here's my advice:

Focus on your business and getting out to meet new people. Don't think about dating because you're really young and don't "need" to think about settling down for another 6+ years. Make friends and work on yourself. Worry about romantic relationships later.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (26 November 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntTwo months is no time at all to get over a relationship, especially one you viewed as "the one". You are no longer crying so you have already made progress, so from that you can see that you WILL move on and survive. It does take time though. You don't just get over it in a few weeks.

Rushing into another relationship is probably not a good idea. It is not fair on you and it is not fair on the other person in the relationship. Give yourself time to find your equilibrium.

Your ex needed to move on. In fairness, few relationships started at your age last a lifetime. Given her sexual orientation (confusion?), she was more likely than most to actually need to try other relationships before settling down. Yes, her "reasons" were probably "excuses", but the bottom line was the same - she needed out of the relationship.

I think contacting her is just prolonging your healing process. Going cold turkey without any contact is far more likely to help you. Until you are in a better place mentally, try focusing all your energies on your business.

Good luck.

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