A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 16 years, four kids, financially stable...I have never cheated. I don't think she has ever cheated. This has been building for some time now: when I look at her, there is just no sexual spark. It's gotten to the point where I would rather satisfy myself with porn than be intimate with her. I feel no pull to kiss or cuddle her. It feels like we are roommates. I know she has noticed and misses our intimacy. We still have sex, but it's not as frequent and is somewhat mechanical. I just feel very little attraction and no spark. She has gained weight. She is still pretty to be sure, but could definitely lose some weight. Other than that, not much has changed, except something inside me I can't seem to control. Does anyone have some advice on how to regain that attraction, that spark? I want to want her...I just don't. I also very much value our marriage, family, etc and don't want to give that all up just to chase some excitement with another person. I am a monogomous person by nature and would not cheat, would instead opt to end the marriage - something I really don't want to do. If I were to tell her all this it would hurt her very, very deeply - something I never want to do...Is there anyway to regain attraction? I do not have the ability to force her to change. But, can I really force myself to regain a spark that had gone out? Feeling very lost and sad...
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Shedule a vacation just for the two of you, go to some island paradise somewhere. Forget the cost. You can't put a metary value on regaining that spark(and it will return..you just need to be alone). Good luck!
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (19 September 2014):
 That spark can return, but it may take time. I recommend doing things which help you focus on each other--IE, focusing on each other in a romantic sense rather than a routine hubby/wife sense. Try to go on dates once a week--REAL dates, like a dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by dancing...Treat her special. Let her treat you special. Maybe go away together, even if it's just for a weekend to some place romantic and tropical. Now here is the important part: Focus on HER. Focus on the things that still make her beautiful, in some sense. There's a reason why you fell in love with her, and that love evidently still exists within your heart. That desire, that passion just needs to rise to the surface rather than getting buried by day-to-day life, and focusing on her changed appearance. We all grow older...whether we go through things like weight gain, gray hair, and wrinkles...Don't focus on those things. None of us are perfect...The spark can come back, but you have to give it a chance. I hope this helps, and good luck to you and your lovely wife. :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2014):
 OP your follow up (which BTW thank you) may get lost as it's not marked as a follow up.
I get your comment and I didn't pick up that her weight gain was the issue.
"Familiarity breeds contempt" is an old statement that I think applies here. You love your wife but you are bored.
after being together 2 decades (i'm including dating) things no matter how much you are in love get stale and boring. You want that NEW back....
first thing: talk to your wife about it... "I love you but i'm bored" is not an attack on her at all... "let's figure out how to fix this together" is a plan.
You may need to have some joint counseling with a marriage counselor that specializes in the issues you have.
do you DATE your wife? if not, that's my first suggestion. think back to how you felt in the beginning... and remember the things you did.
COURT YOUR WIFE AGAIN... dinner, long walks.... maybe a romantic weekend away....
I want to suggest a movie for you to watch "hope springs" with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones..... came out I think in 2012 and should be available to rent. it's about a married couple who lives together but does not love together.... it may be painful to watch and push a lot of buttons (it's a dark comedy about middle age and long term marriage issues) but it may resonate.
what you describe is what happens often... you still love her and find her attractive but just like a dance partner doing the same dance over and over you are bored.
maybe some role play... ship her off in cute little black dress to a local classy bar in a nice hotel... let her sit at the bar smiling... you come in and pretend you don't know her and try to pick her up at the bar..... if she lets you... you can take this "stranger" up to a room and have anonymous wild hotel sex, then go home... let her stay in the hotel overnight and have room service then come home to you with a smile pretending YOU were not her handsome stranger....
blessings and good luck to you... i think your wife is very lucky to have you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): I have some thoughts on this but firstly would like to ask how old your children are? Also if it is only the weight that is affecting your attraction to your wife and you say she is pretty , is there anything about her that you find physically attractive at all
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): You need to lay your cards on the table and be completely honest with your wife . Sure it will hurt her , but what is happening now is already hurting her. She had a right to know how you feel and make her own choices accordingly . This is not all about your choices and your attraction to her . She may want to find a man who both loves and is attracted to her and whilst you keep silent on this you are eating into valuable years of her life where she could be in a relationship where she is both loved and desired exactly as she is.It perhaps the two of you will find alternative approaches such as counselling to save your marriage . Either way , the truth and total honesty IS the only way Also on a side note , the porn is really unfair to her and no doubt contributing to an already strained situation. How do youPossibly expect the body of a mother of four to compare to thousands of porn stars. Just stop and think for a minute how you might feel if it were you who had to go through the huge changes to bring four children into the world for your wife only to find out she were getting off to men who clearly hadn't been through that sacrifice and then she felt no longer attracted to you?Just some food for thought Talk to her !!!!! It risk losing her and trust me , it won't be long after youLose her till you realise just how incredibly beautiful she is and how much more attractive than those porn stars.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 I think you are freaking out over something that eventually happens to us from time to time, which is normal. I don't think your wife gained 30 pounds over night, it's rather gradual. Even women with an average built the spark still can be lost but because your wife is overweight you found a convenient reason to escape from this reality and turn to porn instead.
Having maintenance sex no matter what, is sometimes good advice but another good advice is to cleanse yourself from having sexual thoughts. That includes porn too, or everything that conditions you to think what you need to feel sexual. Be committed to each other's happiness in non sexual ways. I find that having the 'talk' to be too much in your face. There are subtler ways that are effective and you don't have to worry about hurting the other's feelings. She knows she is fat there is no need to state the obvious.
If you have good faith and trust each other, be abstinent for a while. Our sexual minds sometimes need a break and it will feel refreshing when you do have sex again. A sexless marriage sounds like a doom and gloom thing all to be avoided. Some people tolerated it and just kind of accepted it as fate. For you it can be different because you are using temporary chastity as a tool to miss sex. You welcome open communication and you are not afraid of the topic of sex. Similar to fasting or becoming vegan for a while, the taste of meat will taste wonderful again. When the sexual gets stale go spiritual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): Marriage is a sacred thing, it isn't just two people living together to have only the good times. I know your marriage means a lot to you, so you can do something about it. It's great that you view your marriage and wife as very valuable. This is a marriage, so talk to her. Of course, don't tell her you think she's put on weight so she's less attractive to you now, just tell her that there's been less intimacy and you are aware of that, but it hasn't been something in your control. Let her know she's still important to you, that you think she's beautiful (you did say she's still pretty), that your marriage is important to you as well. I think once you have that talk, you won't feel like you're going through this alone. Tell her let's do stuff together, like going on walks (beneficial for the both of you ;) ), playing a sport, anything active. Include non-sport things too. Once you start doing things together, she won't be "just a wife/mother", she'll be a friend. I really do want this to work out for you because you sound like a good man.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): I am sorry to read of your predicament, and I can tell you I was in exactly the same situation, also 16 years married and totally lost the spark. I don't have any words of wisdom except be careful, you could be on thin ice. I would recommend a counsellor for the two of you, someone to help you find each other again. I wish this had happened in my marriage, but my wife ended up cheating and wanting a divorce. Now in the end I am better off and happier without her, but I appreciate that is an end of the spectrum you probably don't want to visit. If you wife loves you she will be willing to work with you to find a way for the two of you to find your ways back to each other again. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): WiseOwl. Thanks for responding, but your answer is so defensive it makes me wonder if you even read my question ( and what happened to you to cause such anger)...
I am not asking how to make my wife lose weight. I am not even blaming her weight on what I described as MY issue. My wife is still pretty. She still garners make attention that is not the issue. I noted the weight gain because that is the only CHANGE of which I am aware, and I am struggling to understand the CHANGE in MY impulses.
It is very hard to control that spark, to make that spark happen. You speak of loving thoughts, which is exactly what I have for my wife. I love her very much. I just don't feel that attraction. I am not sure why, but I desperately want to get it back...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): I have to agree with what WiseOwlE said, although I wouldn't have been so frank. But being that you're both men, maybe that's what you needed to hear. I read a book on marriage and relationships where the author described something called a "love bank." Unless regular deposits are made in this love bank (such as love making, shared interests, complimenting each other, etc) the relationship suffers. Withdrawals from the love bank will soon bankrupt the marriage. This includes turning to porn instead of seeking intimacy with your partner, spending more time pleasing one's self instead of seeking to include her in pleasurable activities, etc. You may need to ask yourself what you have you brought to the relationship table recently. My husband loves me, and we are both getting older and fatter. But he remembers the woman he fell in love with, and does not mind a few extra pounds. I am sure he would feel better to lose a few pounds, but I love him the way he is. We have not obligation to be perfect for each other, but we are obligated by our marriage vows to be there for each other, through thick and thin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): You know, a lot of men come to this site and mention the physical changes in their mates that lowers their physical attraction for them. It leaves one to wonder. Does he go to the gym regularly? Is he still as virile and sexy as he's always been? Point one finger, and three point back!
Perhaps you just prefer porn, and you've over-indulged yourself. Until you now selfishly prefer satisfying yourself in a matter of minutes, to actually helping someone else to reach climax. That might just take a little too much work.
Heaven only knows, you're in a hurry to get to sleep after you've gotten off! You've concentrated too much on yourself. You're finding fault in her imperfections to rationalize, and excuse yourself for over-dosing on masturbation.
In all fairness, you do want your wife or partner to stay healthy and firm. That just isn't so easy with aging, kids, a job; and/or just trying to maintain a home, and keep up with the needs and well-being of everybody else. It doesn't leave you a lot of time to take care of yourself. Nor the energy! Yet she looks at you lovingly, without a clue of the unkind crap going on in your mind. She stretched her body out of proportion four times before 40, and she's fighting gravity and aging on a daily basis. News flash! Love is supposed to make that all mean something, and make you desire her even more. I grew older with someone after 28 years. We found ways to have a lot fun in bed! Dude, you're not even there yet! Why is it her weight? Her fault?
I'm going to give it to you straight. Women don't like to be told they're unattractive for what nature and gravity has done to them. Yes, there are women who maintain and keep up their bodies by diet and exercise. I don't like their excuses for being lazy; then thinking an extra flabby layer is sexy. It's unhealthy as hell. Bad for the heart, causes varicose veins, raises blood-pressure, lowers your energy-level, shortens your life-span,and ages you faster. If they saw it that way, most would seek and maintain a healthier lifestyle. For health's sake!
But then again, why should they? When he sits on his flat butt, sucking up beer and gorging on fatty foods. The only exercise he gets is bending his elbow, to raise a fork or a beer can to his mouth. His gut hangs over his belt, he can't see his own dick, has hair in disgusting places; and he never dresses or does a damn thing to look sexy. That's because that is considered less than manly. He used to, when they were just dating!!!
He can let himself go. Why the hell would she feel the need to sweat and bust her ass to stay pretty, for a beer-gutted aging middle-aged guy; who can't even see his own dick? Who looks at other women or jerks off to porn the minute her back is turned?!! No matter how hard she tries, no matter what she does to please him? They feel they are always in competition with some virtual image on a device, or some young female who looks no better than she does (or worse); but still gets her man's attention. Why? Only because she's a different piece of ass! Or, she struts around looking like she should have a discount price-tag to display how cheap she is, and how low her self-respect has dived.
Even when they loose pounds and do all the right things. They come to this site and still have the same problem with husbands or boyfriends, who just lose sexual-attraction for them. Often it is because they've found alternative sexual outlets. Either cheating, fantasizing about the hot young chic at work, flirting with some random skank, and suddenly all attention melts away from the one they've committed to.
Porn is a supplement, not a substitute. It can also be a marital-aid, or add a little spice. Provided it isn't too raunchy; or she doesn't object to it altogether.
There is a nice way to get your wife to lose a few pounds.
Tell her you want to start a new diet and exercise regimen and think you both could be each others motivator and workout partners. Take one of those popular zumba classes or get exercise DVD's that you both work-out to. Take her out for long brisk walks, or bicycle rides. Dancing or bowling. Play tennis. Get a cookbook for healthy cooking and cook for her and your family.
Instead of thinking of ways she can change for you, how about ways you can change and improve for each other? I know the benefits of exercise, and practice what I preach.
I would never expect anything from my sex-partner I'm not willing to ask of myself.
Age and experience should have brought you a lot of wisdom by the time you reach your late 30's,40's, and upward. Use your imagination to make it better. Use it for something more than getting yourself off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): Can you start a hobby of some sort together? Take a martial arts class, or cooking class. Maybe ballroom dancing? (can be very intimate & sexy!) If you have something else in common, it will be something more to talk about & relate to each other with on a daily basis. Also your attraction & respect may grow if you see her become more proficient in an activity or sport, as will hers for you.
Make sure you talk with her about how you are feeling too. Don't say you want her to lose weight & that you aren't attracted, just say you think you are starting to miss that spark and want to try some things to rekindle the romance. She may be just as ready as you to do something fun together! See if she has any ideas about what she would like to learn, do, or see with you.
I applaude you for working on your marriage instead of taking the easy way out & trolling for easy pickings online, at work, or wherever.
Best of luck, I know you can have a great marriage if you want it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): If you think your loss of attraction is definitely linked to her weight gain, you could tell her you want to start working out more, and ask if she'd like to join. This way you'll find out where she stands with her body. If she'd be happy to join, then it shows she wants to do something about her weight. If not, then she is either comfortable with her body or is too lazy to change it. Also, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but give the porn a rest. That's only going to lessen your attraction for her, constantly looking at surgically enhanced women who have spent hours in the makeup chair, and getting their hair done before going on camera. Even if you're watching what you think is amateur, if you're watching women much younger than her, how can you expect your wife to not come up short? You have an imagination, so use it. Give up the porn, trust me.
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