A
male
age
41-50,
*eykis101
writes:Need some advice from the aunts, I hate these problems that you have to try and squeeze into a box, cause there's so much more to it, but I couldn't possibly address it in its entirety but leaving anything out u may not get the whole gist of it, so I'm going to do my best, while keeping it somewhat short so I don't lose your attention. So I'll say I have battled a heroin addiction tooth and nail since I was 20, I'm now 39, I was with my daughter's mom for 10years,till 2009, I was a stay at home dad,and I spent the good majority of my daughter's first 8 years with her, her mom made a lot of money, and asked me to stay with our daughter. so when our relationship hit the skids, I literally had a melt down, I lost my mind, I'd never dealt with pain or loss or betrayal of that magnitude in my life, and mix that with the chemicals, needless to say I did not handle things well at all,not to mention, I had unintentionally came to depend on her way more then I'd realized or intended, I always worked, and had my own cars and stuff, but that being said, when I say I didn't handle our split well, it was also in part due to the fact I really had nothing of my own when we split, I had no job, no car, no house, no money, no friends, u get.the picture, I was high and dry, and I hit the drugs as hard as I could, the fact I got so out there over our split, I did a lot of immature stuff,the split was not Forseen, I was beyond crushed, and if u can relate, u know what I'm trying to emphasize here, by all categories, my life at that point had been completely taken away from me. And on top of that, I had nothing, plus I was an addict, getting lost in this miserable part of my life, was the fact I had a little girl I was now not going to be a dad to, i mean sorry if I'm cynical about it, but I'm a product of a rental parent situation, that's where my dad paid monthly child support, to have access to me every other weekend for 2 days, he rented me, I went hard off the deep end, from 2009 until about 2013, I was a shit show, I was about as fckd off as a person could be, just in the capacity that I had no clue about anything, and I just compounded that problem using more and more trying to make the hurt go away, I could not get over or handle the pain, and nothing in my generally logical mind would ease up at all, I would call my daughter, and talk on the phone, she was 8 yrs old at that time, but I really had no direction, or life, and was using large amounts, so my life was clueless, and as far as I could feel it was over, cause it technically was,so during these years I kept my daughter at arms length, mostly because I never wanted her to see her dad in the shape he was in, I didn't have money, a car, my addiction was out of control, and I knew this while it was happening, but I had no clue how to stop it, I just figured it was going to kill me, I loved and love my daughter more then anyone in life, I just lost it and it took me until 2014 to start getting my shit together, her mom conveniently kept her so busy slot.of the time that when I would try to make arrangements to go do stuff with her, it was almost impossible, cause shed bave soccer or choir, or snowboarding or whatever it might be, well now she's 15, I'm sober, and very confused, in sept on my birthday, she went to dinner with me, we had a fun time, and I dropped her off, she was talking about going to do stuff, she has never responded, called me or associated with me since that day, she unfriended me on Facebook, and completely ignores any attempt I make at talking to her, I've even gone to the point of contacting her mother, who her and I are estranged, and who basically did the exact same thing to me, by completely ignoring me so I would go away, her mom makes it out to sound like all I ever did was disapoint my daughter, and what happened was one time when I had planned to pick her up to hang out, my water pump was shot, so I had to cancel, her mom who never was a middle man on anything, made me go directly to my daughter for everything, which I didn't believe was right, but she talks like I would leave my daughter hanging time after time, that just wasn't the case, so ber mom text me back and tells me there's nothing she can do,if my daughter doesn't want to talk to me she won't make her, and tells me she can't get it out of her what the problem is, other then she has abandonment issues, to wrap this up, u can imagine people with kids, how much this already had done to me, now she's totally shut me out without knowing a single reason why, the stress from this really has about done me in, I just was diagnosed with kidney disease,and drs r telling me stress can mess me up as bad as anything, I want to get angry and just forget about her, I feel so much guilt not being a role model dad, but never once in 7 years since we broke up had I ever received even a phone call from my daughter, to say hi. To ask me for something, I'm just so confused and I don't have drugs to deal with the pain now, and I don't know what to do or what to think, there was never a fight, or harsh words, so I essentially am being punished by my daughter for something and I have no idea why, I love her more then life itself, and I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant this kind of a punishment, and I'm not sure how much longer I can go on enduring it, it's cowardly to ignore people,after good and bad, I've never left her life, I've gone out of my way to stay in it however I could, and u guys r really my last line of defense, u have no ties to it, or opinion on me one way or another, I just hope I've given a good enough picture for u to understand, and not rambled to much, if there is something I haven't made clear, just ask, it's getting serious for me, as this isn't normal, shes my daughter,shes only 15 she shouldnt just be writing me off, and if she wants to, I should at least no why, thank u guys.
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male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (6 March 2018):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello everyone, I had a little time and thought I'd jump on here, yes I'm still sober,yes still going to a shrink,the intense guilt has seemed to subside, something I wasn't able to touch on or make clear in this whole situation, and I'd like a few aunt's to maybe weigh in on this, when my daughter's mom and I split,it was because she was messing around with her boss, well I lost my mind, and I didn't handle it well at all, I did a bunch of shit, let's just say immature, cause that's basically what it was, but this is the reason she holds a grudge, after that she would never speak to me again, and it isn't necessarily over how bad it was, the true reason is cause I embarrassed her and that's something she just can't handle, it's on me how u get caught cheating and somehow the one u cheated on is on the hook forever,but cause of this, I had no line into my daughter's life outside of directly to my daughter, and there was certain shit you just can't put on a 7 year old girl, but her mom insisted, well I would ask my daughter if she wanted to go do things, she'd always have to ask her mom, then I'd never hear another word from her,this got so extremely frustrating that I kind of just thought what's the use, it got to be a pattern, well now her mom throws in my face that I would make promises to my daughter, then leave her hanging, folks I can tell u with an honest conscience, this was never the case, even as an addict, I kept 1 job, paid my bills, my support, and my word, so the fact that she won't speak to me, leaves me with little to go on, but it's very troubling wondering what the hostility from both of them is about, yet neither will tell me, it's not right, now my daughter picked up the exact same train as her mom, not to get a problem out on the table and deal with it, but to instead, completely run and hide,and proceed going to great avenues to ignore me, and so this in my heart just doesn't seem right, and anyone who's going to defend this, don't bother responding, cause I'm seeking productive measures at going about this, no matter how anyone wants to try and spin this, or defend them because I was an addict, I am smart and big enough of a human being socially to know, this is not an acceptable method of handling serious and sensitive issues, and if u are going to defend it, first you start off by explaining to me exactly how ignoring and hiding is effective in dealing with complex situations, and how it ultimately works in coming to a positive outcome, thanks again aunt's,I don't like your responses, which is exactly how I know I'm getting the truth and correct guidance, thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2017): She has relatives and others who might inform her on what you used to be like. It doesn't have to be her mother in particular. Who I still say has a right to be honest with your daughter.
Teenagers need parental-guidance and education on drug-abuse. A predisposition to addiction can be passed on. How can the facts be withheld when it runs in the family?
You would be surprised at what a five year-old can recall and understand. They are inquisitive and they can see things with their own eyes. They may not always know how to articulate what they've seen and heard; but as they grow older they can. Teenagers are experts at holding their cards close to their chests. They spring things on you when they need something you've done; to use in their own defense, when they're in trouble. You've done it, I've done it, and everyone who is reading this has done it.
Children will inevitably ask why one of their parents isn't present. Do they not deserve the whole truth? A fifteen year-old is quite astute; and many have even given advice right here on this site. If she hasn't harshly judged you, and she still opens her heart to you; it means her love surpasses anything bad that can be said about you. That is, until you break her trust.
As long as you remain sober and on the road to recovery; and maintain abstinence from drug-abuse, it's all in the past. She loves you for who you are, not who you were. Children are forgivers to a fault.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 A 15 year old is old enough to know why her father has been so unreliable. Heck, a 13 year old deserves to know. You wanted to keep it from her until she's older, but she isn't stupid or too young to notice.
Her mother has a very good reason to hold a grudge against a recovering drug addict, plus any alcohol problems she has and you're both toxic - you're just trying to recover now.
15 year olds are trying to figure out who they are. Most are more interested in their friends than their family, especially their parents.
Keep going to therapy, keep recovering and give her time/space.
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A
male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (10 May 2017):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand, believe me,I don't understand why it would be her mother's responsibility to inform her of my history of battling substance abuse? Perhaps when she's older and inquires into it, but then I'd figure she would probably just ask me, as I have always been direct and open about anything she has ever came to me with, I wouldn't ever dream of a reason I'd just up and out her mother for being an alcoholic, 15year olds dont need to have that unloaded on them, her mom's been a terrific mother, outside of I don't believe it's healthy that she has a problem holding grudges,I truly believe her anger after our breakup and her Continued inability to forgive and move on couldn't be healthy, as far as everything I read, children pick up on parents who hate each other,but I've never pressed it, it is what it is, and I feel sorry after almost 8 years she cannot shrug it off, and move on, I have, and it wasn't easy, I have btw been in therapy now for going on 18 months, it's extremely expensive, and I sometimes wonder if it works, but I think from everything I'm told by everyone, including my therapist, 15 year old girls are in a world of their own, strange I swear I just read that somewhere,but I'm having a hard time adjusting to that it seems, because her and I have always been so close, so I guess my question base will now change to some of u aunt's from the 1st question, into what do 15 year old girls think? What changes, I don't remember being 15 cause I was always rebellious and never had a good open relationship with either parent, do parents embarrass her? R we not cool,maybe if I understand that, I won't be so quick to take shit personally,thanks again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2017): Sir, I beg to differ about what you say about addicts. Never once have I ever told anyone on this site they were shit; but every addict ruins their lives and the lives of others. It is not until they've done a significant amount of damage do they come to the realization that they need help. I commend you that you did.
I suggested in my response that teenagers will be teenagers; but don't you think for one minute she is unaware of your issue with drugs. Her mother has the obligation to inform the child of who you are and what to expect from you. Your guilt-ridden post explained everything going on, and my response was based on what you revealed about yourself.
If she came to you regarding her broken-heart, that's good. Just remember, kids usually remember they are kids and seek refuge under their parents only when trouble hits. Once the trouble subsides, they become teenagers again. She has no reason to hate her own father, but your past speaks for itself. Our opinions and judgement don't really matter; because we don't know you. Just don't underestimate your daughter and what she knows.
Continue taking care of her and yourself.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 April 2017):
My comment didn't poke at you for being an addict, but I think you're naive or in denial if you think you managed to keep your daughter away from it all. You may not have directly put her in harm's way, but she isn't unaware.
It's her choice to cut you out and she's allowed to. That's why you need to seek therapy to come to terms with it and work out the best way forward with the aim to keep you involved a little, but not pushing her into it.
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A
male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (25 April 2017):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI knew this wouldn't come across properly, so I have more then excepted my part of being a shit show, that's just it, her and I regardless of what we went through stayed thick as a rock, we had lots of good times and fun, and it was never at a place of anything terrible, it's only been the last going on a year this has started,I never let on to her about my addiction, I never took her anywhere or did anything with her high, I'd never put her in harm's way is what I meant keeping g her at arm's length, I did not want her to see that, think in any way it was acceptable, I began working and got my shit together, it more or less came down to did I want her to know I had a problem, ironically she texted me out of the blue tonight, and I got it out of her, she started talking to a boy that was in high school and knew I'd flip out if I found out, well she got her heartbroken, and all of the sudden I guess I'm worth calling again, all of this over her seeing g s boy, I never saw that one coming, but thanks for all your pointed shots at the addiction not every addict is a piece of shit, sometimes our guilt gets the better of us and we read way more into this GS then was ever really the case.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 You wanna know why your daughter has written you off? You wrote us a lengthy explanation yourself. Because you are unstable. That's why she wrote you off. You are trying to excuse your behavior as if you were a child, and you have been treating your daughter as if she was your mother. With excuses upon excuses. Don't think she didn't see how you feel of the rail or how you "lost it" and how you fell into drugs again etc etc etc. She saw it all. And she was a kid, for you to protect, take care of, be strong for. And you failed her. You cared only for yourself. You acted like a child, and thus forced your daughter to be the adult.
This is what happens when parents don't act like parents, their kids no longer want to play the cute part of "kid".
There is not one simple incident that caused this, not one simple event or argument or happening. This is 15 years worth of shit that has accumulated. And she's tired of it, and she needs to get on with her life, live a little, perhaps try to salvage what is remaining of her childhood and heal from all the wounds that have been inflicted.
Just because you fathered a child, does not give you rights to demand affection and attention from your child. Especially not when you didn't do your part as a father. It DOESN'T MATTER if you are sober now, because I still see from your post that you take absolutely no responsibility for your actions and you are in deep denial over your own actions. Your daughter sees this is as clearly as I do. And she is done with it.
People do not keep toxic people in their lives, and you have been a toxic person in her life for too long. That is why she wants nothing to do with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Remember birthdays, send a gift and a card. Send lovely cards and notes that only tell her how much you love her. Keep your self-pity to yourself, don't plead your case. All she needs and wants from you is love. Even if it has to be long-distance for the moment. Kids grow and change. That's to your benefit. So waste no time on your self-improvement. It apparently isn't good enough for them at the moment.
If she kicked you off Facebook, that's because she wants only her friends online. You don't see much about parents on a teenager's FB page. She's not a little girl anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Your daughter is a teenager! Not only will she write you off; but there will be times she'll do the same to her mother. Mothers and daughters eventually clash!
Now some tough love before I go any further.
Please don't try to pull the wool over our eyes and make it seem as though some single incident caused your daughter's disappointment. Sir, a recovering-addict is very unreliable. Your credibility has been shot for several years; and all your excuses make no difference to a child. "I was in pain, I was hurt, I got lost...etc!!!" Kids don't expect that from adults! They expect us to protect them and set the best examples for them. So never give-up trying.
All those godforsaken excuses mean nothing to a child who loves you and can't understand what's going on. She's now old enough to be a little independent. She wants to date, hangout with her friends, and feel somewhat like an adult.
Your history reminds her of bad times. Being a kid, she will also feel some shame around her friends if you haven't totally cleaned-up your act. However; being a teenager, you can be the CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation, and she'll be ashamed of you. That's teenagers!
I suggest that you step-back. You've done a lot of damage over the years and it will take that amount of time to redeem yourself and repair the destruction. Don't blame her mother for protecting your child. You broke both their hearts. You're working to pull it back together; so focus on that. Nothing will make them happier than to see the new and improved version of yourself. You will be a recovering-addict for the rest of your life. They know that.
Kids will be kids, and she will be going through her normal phases. You now have to show responsibility and patience. They had to put-up with a lot out of you, and now you want to pretend it all never happened. I'm sorry for your pain; but without feeling your karma, nothing will motivate you to do better. Hopefully this will push you to do everything you can to repair the bridges you've burned. She's only 15, she's got many years ahead of her. You're only in your 30's!
Hopefully you'll live long enough to see the day! More motivation, wouldn't you say?!!
As they say: "Once you hit bottom, there's no way but up!"
She will come around in her own time, and you can do nothing to force her to. Searching for blame will all lead back to your drug-addiction. So that is where you focus your time and attention; that and finding suitable employment. That's proof you've pulled your life together and you're on the right track.
Her behavior is quite typical when the father of a teenager is a former heroin-addict. She's older now, and she understands more about things than she used to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Heroin addiction seems to have played a large part in your life and I feel you may link that to being a rental child.However, dads never rent!They pay money so that the child never goes without and impart their wisdom when they see the children at various weekends.You feel your daughter has abandoned you by not communicating but I assume you know from her mum where she is and that she is safe and well, otherwise if she disappears off the map entirely and you neither have any idea where your minor is then it would be a police matter.I think counselling would help you to sort out your feelings and express yourself so that you feel appropriately about yourself.There is little that can be said in the normal course of life because you are in a double bereavement state, due to lack of contact with her and her mother so I would strongly urge you to seek out counselling help as they will take you through it step by step and suggest ways you can cope!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 April 2017):
First off, good on you for getting sober.
Secondly, she is old enough to decide if she wants contact with you or not.
Lastly, I really think you should see a therapist to discuss this at length and find out if there's anything else you can try. Don't bother her or her mother, just focus on talking through your problems with a professional, then see what they suggest as to how to go about trying to reconnect.
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