A
female
age
41-50,
*ophie45
writes:when we were living together , he acted generous, he paid whenever we went out to eat, but now that we're married and have a baby, he's been bickering with me that I should be the one working while he stays at home and watch the baby; he said women have to step up now this is the 21st century.. this is not the situation that I was expecting for when I married him.. I thought that I was going to be with a man who didn't mind me staying at home and watching the baby.. I fell out of love for him.. he's telling me that if I decide to leave him he's going to fight for custody. This is not the man that I thought he was. I just feel very unhappy. I have a 7 month old baby. If I didn't have the baby I would've walked out the door. I just feel miserable. I feel depressed. Now I try to work on the weekends I want to save the money in case he leaves me.but now he's pressuring me to have a joint account with him . and he wants to know every penny that I'm making. and wants to see all my paycheck. I just feel very miserable.. I can't live like this any longer.. I just feel unhappy with this man..I feel that I made a mistake in marrying this man.. when I could've been with someone else.. I'm an attractive girl and Im only 35 years old
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (12 December 2011):
You should not stay in the marriage. Your child will grow up knowing mommy and daddy don't love each other and will think this sort of thing is normal.
You need to get out.
You need to do it safely and as soon as possible.
If you are writing to us from a computer in your home, you may even want to clear out your browser's history, and cache so he can't read what you are writing online.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 December 2011):
 This is a frightening situation while you are subject to being undermined and belittled and verbally abused on a daily basis.
Never never ever threaten to leave him. You can make quiet plans to do so. But never never ever warn him of any such intentions to leave, as his abuse will escalate. Make sure you also have your Passport in YOUR possession, never in his locked up safe (if he has one)
An Attorney earns good money. What Attorney in his right mind would give that up? Most of them Love their work so much they willingly put in very long hours because the work is interesting and rewarding.
And rather than you being accused of being not yet in the 21st century your guy is still a Neanderthal in terms of his "Cave-Man" approach to domestic relations.
Also when you visit the Doctor please ask the Doctor to discuss Post Natal Depression as your depression may well be due to the hormones that affect some women after giving birth to a baby. This is treatable, but very distressing at the time.
In years to come you do not want your child to witness Domestic Abuse. A child having to live in the eye of the storm every week of the child's life is a form of ABUSE against the child.
Staying in a marriage just for the sake of saying you are Mrs .... And married to a Attorney is not success if you have to endure Domestic Violence every day and your child has to witness this Abuse on a daily basis.
The sooner you can Access some support the better. Candid Cally offered good advice - of course you do need to access some support to cope with this. Auntie5 gave similarly good advice on this.
Please find some links that may help. The first one refers to the period in the ABUSE cycle when the abuser acts nicely just before the ABUSER goes on to become much worse. So the Lull before the storm is called the Honeymoon period in the Abuse cycle.
Advice if you are in the middle of an abusive relationship, especially if you are planning to leave
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
Domestic Violence:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Depression
http://www.helpguide.org/topics/depression.htm
Abuse
http://helpguide.org/topics/abuse.htm
relationships
http://helpguide.org/topics/relationships.htm
Domestic Violence Shelters and agencies that can offer you help
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DVSheltersUS.pdf
http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion – how an abuser does it
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
Outcomes as a result of Domestic Violence
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm
Post Natal Depression
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94
Improving mind body and spirit
http://helpguide.org/topics/mind_body.htm
Moving Victims of violence from crisis to confidence
http://www.safehorizon.org/
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 December 2011):
this is not a good situation at all. First of all look after you and see the Doctor about your depression.
And Do NOT tell him you are seeing the Doctor.
Please contact a Women's shelter when he is out for advice. If he is an Attorney then do not let him scare you. His abusive nasty controlling behavior will count against him.
Do NOT tell him you have contacted a Women's shelter.
Believe in you.
You ARE the best person to look after your child
Your abusive partner is trying to wear you down. For goodness sake, you are in the first year after having a baby. It is an important nurturing time for both the father and the mother of the new addition to the family. However it is you who carried the baby for 9 months, you who went through the birth, and you who deserve far more chivalry, support and consideration from your guy.
Resist his demands but make sure he has many opportunities to parent.
However beware of him ever taking the child on a 'holiday' without you. Because he sounds so potentially abusive and controlling it is the mindset that sets off alarm bells if I hear any parent of any gender being so demanding and lacking in empathy.
Totally resist the 'joint' bank account push. Due to his abusiveness you could find he is trying to maximise what you spend and minimise what he spends on essential household expenditure.
But a joint bank account with him?
No way!
If you have a joint account you could come home one day to find there is zero in your joint bank account.
Though eventually you may need to leave, NEVER threaten to leave him. More about that in my next post.
He is bullying you. Probably because he is just plain inadequate. Most bullies never change, they just lay low if they are trying to put on a good 'front' - usually early in the relationship.
But bullies can't keep up the lie forever - the truth comes out eventually.
But the worse thing?
Bullies usually escalate their bullying more and more.
Quietly find out where the nearest women's shelters are, you may need one of them.
But please see the Doctor asap about your depression. Yes I realise your partner is probably the source.
But you need to address your depression asap so that you can best look after your baby
And so that you can make clear decisions to protect you and your baby with clear good decisionmakimg on your part.
Take care
Abella
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A
female
reader, sophie45 +, writes (11 December 2011):
sophie45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't love him .. every day I've been feeling depressed about my situation.. I can't sleep. I can't eat.. I am very unhappy and I don't love him..I lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy.. I can't even read a book because I can't focus.. can't concentrate.... should I stay in my marriage even though I'm unhappy for the sake of my child?I can only imagine how hard it is for me to be by myself.. I just feel trapped and miserable.. I don't love my husband I fell out of love after I saw how he acts.. should I live my life like this forever?every day is a struggle.. I just feel unhappy...
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 December 2011):
 He sounds like a classic case of a controller.
There are really no easy answers here. If you want to try and fix this situation, I highly recommend that you sit him down, explain to him what you are feeling and how you want to work as a couple (even if you currently don't feel that way). Explain to him that you want to see your child raised by the two of you, together and that you want things to return to the way things were. Recall, with him, some of those fond memories and ask yourselves how can you get back there and what happened to make you lose site of each other. If you find that you cannot talk with him, simply write a kind, non-accusatory letter expressing your willingness and your conviction to your couplehood.
While it does sound smarmy, the only other alternative is divorce, ugly child custody hearings and living as a single parent. You really owe it to yourself and to your child to make EVERY attempt at staying together.
Nobody said marriage was easy and unfortunately, it sounds like life dealt you a hard hand. Look for ways to compromise, after all he may be right some of the time.
Ultimately, only you can decide if things are never going to work out and if that's the case, I suggest contacting an attorney and figuring out how and who you can enlist to help you transition to a new way of life. You may also want to enlist the help of a personal therapist so that you can sort out for yourself what you are experiencing. They can give you the strength to find solutions to what you are going through.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (10 December 2011):
He is not telling you the truth. He knows that you are not an attorney and would not know certain things.
You need to talk to a lawyer. While he may be able to represent himself (although that will not be a great idea for him if he himself does not specialize in family law) a good divorce lawyer can petition the court to make HIM pay YOUR attorney fees because he is the primary income earner in your household.
He made you quit your job. You have a child together. A good lawyer can ensure that your husband is responsible for child support, attorney fees, and possibly alimony.
You need to do a few web searches. You need to find a women's shelter or program for your area and you need to contact them and see what they can help you with as far as getting away from this man. Some of these shelters can even offer assistance with job searches and child care.
Next, if you are concerned about just contacting any lawyer, do a web search for legal aid in your state. Your county or parish (if you are in certain states that have parishes instead of counties) may even have a legal aid program available for you to contact. Legal aid is a program where good lawyers VOLUNTEER their time and services at no cost to an individual who has limited or no income.
While not having a car can be an issue if you live in a very rural area, most cities and suburbs have some kind of public transit system (like busses). Do a web search and see if your city or county/parish has a bus system and familiarize yourself with how it works and what routes to take to get to anyplace you may need to go.
Finally, if you have family and they love and care about you, try to contact them and see if they would mind if you moved in with them or close to them if it becomes necessary to leave. I could live thousands of miles away and have nothing, but if I were in an unsafe marriage with no money to my name my parents would scrape together the funds to get me and my baby to them and out of harms way.
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A
female
reader, sophie45 +, writes (10 December 2011):
sophie45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think when I married him I was scared of being alone because I was pregnant.. and I didn't have insurance.. I realize that I don't love him.. I have been feeling very depressed.. because I don't really love him.. but now I feel trapped because I have a 7 month old baby with him.. I don't know what to do.. I feel unhappy because I don't love him..
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry that you are living this way. I don't understand why your husband is so bitter towards you? I mean, you just had a baby? It's only fair that you stayed home taking care of the baby, specially the first few months is so important as you are breast feeding your baby?
You don't know how to drive? So how does he expect you to find a job? You mentioned you live with him before, and you didn't have money problems. What made him change? There must be a reason? When did he start being so controlling in regards to money? I am confused, because you are his wife now, more so you are the mother of his child? He should love you, cherish you, respect you, treat you like a queen. If he did treat you well while dating, now that you are officially married he should treat you better...
No wonder you feel trapped... This is not your fault, because he's the one who changed... Are you guys having financial problems? Do you think he's just stress at work? Whatever the reasons are, you need to talk to him. Ask him to stop being so aggressive and angry. Ask him what's bothering him and making him so unhappy?
If he needs financial help, ask him to help you learn how to drive. Tell him that you need a car to find a job. Tell him you will find a trustworthy babysitter and get a job, if that's what he wants. Tell him that he needs to communicate with you... Being abusive won't solve any problems. Tell him that you need time to get a job, he cannot just pressure overnight.
I am sorry that you are in an unhappy marriage, specially when you haven't done anything wrong. My advice is to try to talk to your husband and find out what's bothering him. A married couple are supposed to communicate honestly, openly, and help each other. Sorry, I wish I could help you more.... Take care, hope you can solve this in a peaceful matter, and take care of your baby, and congratulations on your new baby...
Good luck/best wishes..
Happy holidays
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (10 December 2011):
Your husband's threats about custody of your baby are just another way to try to control you. In the US it's very unusual for a father to have sole custody of children after divorce, unless the mother is a drug addict or alcoholic, is mentally ill and refuses treatment, or is negligent or abusive to the child. And if your husband tries to tell a judge that you're a bad mother he will have to have proof. Don't believe him if he tries to tell you otherwise. Remember, he's trying to control you; he wants you to feel that you can't leave him. There's a saying in the legal profession: "A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client." Your husband may say that he will argue his own case, but chances are that when push comes to shove he will find someone else to represent him. Again, he's trying to make you feel hopeless so he can control you.Candid has some good suggestions. Find the location of the nearest women's shelter and call them. The staff there will be experienced in dealing with situations like yours and they will be able to give you good advice on leaving your husband and starting your new life without him. They may also be able to refer you to an attorney, and possibly even arrange transportation to the shelter. Make a plan to leave, and then follow through with it.And don't tell your husband ahead of time--that will give him the opportunity to sabotage your plan.Don't let your husband bully you any longer--you and your child deserve much better. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start a new life. Best wishes, and keep us posted on how things are going.
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A
female
reader, sophie45 +, writes (10 December 2011):
sophie45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear candid, thanks for your reply.. i have no family here in the us to help me.. I don't know who to turn to for help..he has not been physically abusive towards me.. but he's been verbally abusive and controlling. I am afraid.. I fear for my safety and my child's.. he's an attorney and he said he can represent himself in court, while me I have to spend money on attorney fees and he said he is going to fight in court for custody. I don't drive I don't have a regular job.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (10 December 2011):
You need to talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can begin to take the necessary steps for you and your infant to move forward in life.
You may want to consider locating a shelter for women. In another one of your posts, you mentioned your husband became violent towards you. Because he is controlling, wants your money, and demands that you do what he wants, you need a safe place you can go with people who understand and can provide you with the assistance and resources necessary to prevent you from suffering further at your husbands hands.
You need to contact a domestic abuse counselor, a women's shelter, and/or the lawyer immediately.
The longer you stay, the harder it will be to get away.
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