A
female
age
41-50,
*aritalabonita
writes:I've been very contemplative about this question. I have so many questions in my head all the time that all I do is just think about them. A part of me says that I do want to know EVERYTHING (times, places, who they were with, who knew, what it felt like, what positions they did it, where they did it, etc.... and etc.....) These are things that are constantly in my head. I've sorta decided to reconcile our marriage for 2 reason; the fact of the matter is is that I do love the SOB and he's the father of my children. But I'm afraid that if I find out all the answers to ALL these questions, it just might make things worse and then I might not consider that reconciliation after all. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm afraid to know the truth of all these questions but if I don't get the truth then I'll always wonder and it just might eat me up inside. I've given him an ultimatum, I told him either he tells me the truth AND I MEAN THE REAL TRUTH or I'll just "nicely" get in contact with the whore and ask her to talk to me one on one. He's agreed to answer all my questions this weekend so I'm super nervous.Please please give me your honest opinion on this.ThanksSarah
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female
reader, yourwifey +, writes (22 June 2008):
i think you'll believe that you want to know but when you find out its all you will think about and you'll torture yourself i think it sounds like a bad idea but if it happened to me id probably ask knowing all of this :/
A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (21 June 2008):
 If you feel that you need to ask, to get all these questions off your head, then go ahead, you're entitled to ask as many questions as you want.
But it seems to me like you're only going to torture yourself with the details. You already know everything you need to know : He had an affair with another woman and he hurt you.
Don't ask anything if you think it's going to make it harder for you. However, if you think it will help you to let go? Go right on ahead.
Take care. I hope you and your husband work things out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): I have empathy with you; you are in a very difficult situation; I have seen and dealt with so many women in similar situations; there is no Golden Rule; every situation is different as you and him, your personalities are unique to you thus your relationship is unique; there are no two poeple who handles things the same way; however, this is not a easy road ahead of you; you and only you can decide if you want to know the truth,and all the detail or not;
However, I suggest you ask as much detail as you need to know, ask every little thing that is in your mind and that you need to know; all the questions and give him time to answer;
I believe only once you know all the detail; then you will be able to decide; can you continue or not;
BUT if you don't ask the questions and get the answers, it will fester inside you and haunt you forever; you will always keep wondering; yes, you might be able to suppress it short term; but our minds never allow us to suppress unresolved issues permannetly.
I know it will be very difficult hearing all the detail; but you have to; in mmy opinion that is the only way you can heal and mvoe forward.
Be strong and try and stay calm try and not get to emotional when asking the questions; if you are calm and in control, you will get more answers and details;
do not make any hasty decisions once you have the answers; give yourself time to absorb; work through it; then decide if you can forgive and move forward together or if you cannot.
My thoughts are with you.
Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (21 June 2008):
 Im not even going to read what the other aunties have said I am just going to say, absolutely yes you need ALL the answers to all your questions and dont be surprised if new questions arise from the answers you receive.
Some may say stay in the dark and move on but I know you cannot move on until every detail is lodged firmly in your head, as much as it hurts. It provides closure in some ways but does open up a can of worms in others. You still may feel the need to contact 'her' to check that he has told the truth simply because the trust has gone and will take a while to return.
If however you think that it will destroy the relationship further then steer clear from the absolute truth as it does lengthen the healing process and if you have decided to forgive then you just need to take one day at a time and accept that you will/may slip backwards from time to time.
I wish you luck and happiness and if I can help further then feel free to contact me privately x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): this is obviously a hard decision for you, however if you have decided to take him back and give him another chance then you obviously want to forgive him and the only way to do that is to get everything out in the open so that you can lay your mind to rest. Its not going to be nice but your aware of that. whatever the decision you are going to feel upset an sick in the stomach. im sure that if he does tell you the details and they were not what you expected then he would understand if oyu changed your mind, its you in the driving seat. goodluck x
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (21 June 2008):
 I think it's right to know somethings... otherwise you'll just wonder about it forever, or you'd just draw things out.
You should probably take his position in the conversation and not exploit his offer for honesty. Don't grill him on every single detail, but I think some questions would be appropriate. Try to remain more vauge in the questions and wait for him to elaborate in the answers.
Asking for a replay of everytime they had sex wouldn't be a good idea. I think saying something more like "When you were together, was it physically different from when we had sex, or was it emotionally different?" would be better. He's also probably expecting the questions like "Would you ever think about me or the children when you were around her?" and "How long did you know each other before you realized you were physically attracted?", so you might as well ask about things like that. His answers will probably be thought out already, so it'd be easier on him to stick with more standard questions.
I think you'd get more honest answers from him if you laid off the third degree tactics, you know what I mean? If you just remain calm and ask non-threatening, non-explict questions, you two could have more of a heart-to-heart, which is probably more constructive for your relationship at the moment.... Also ask him if he has any questions for you about what you're going through after he's answered all of yours. Keep the lines of conversation open between you.
...Hopefully that helped. Best of luck in your talk. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk more about what to say...
Take care- Nicole.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Hi Love
If you are thinking and thinking of every possibility that could have happened and its driving you crazy not knowing. What happens if the possibilitys you are thinking about are right then what. Or if you want to work on getting back together what if you feel that after he has told you and now you really no for sure its not going to eat you up even more? Personally I couldnt do it I didnt wish to no the positions my husband got into with the girl in the bush not that it could have been a comfortable one, But sod it he did it even if it did only last 5 bloody minutes he did it so NO!!! I gave him a chance to come clean and then and only then we may have talked but he was to scared, So he took the high road...Belive me hunny if you do feel you can move forward from this whatever your mind is telling you once you know it wont be any different as it will only be telling you the facts and sweetheart you will still be asking yourself WHY! And has he told me everything. If you truely feel you can move forward you have to give this time to heal. Uncle sneaker is right in what he says, Finding out all the details will eat you up even more..
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
http://www.helium.com/items/550149-how-to-deal-with-a-cheating-spouse
Here are a few links that I hope will help you love you are very vunerable at this moment and need all the support you can get I hope they help in some small way TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (20 June 2008):
 You probably don't want a man's view on this do you? Anyway, from what you say, you've already made up your mind.
Well, I think the details will make it worse. I think you need to know that it's not going to happen again, and you need to know WHY it's not going to happen again. You need only enough detail to be absolutely certain of that.
Then, you take that assurance and you decide whether you believe it, and whether it's enough to let you continue and rebuild your relationship.
I reckon the details will do more to "eat you up inside" than not knowing them. If it were me, I reckon I would want to put it behind me and move on one way or another either with or without my partner. Moving on is key. Having the details swirling around your mind makes moving on more difficult.
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