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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I ticked male as my gender because there was no option to ignore and it said gender not sex, however I appear female and was born with female sex organs.So, basically I am "female" and refer to myself as a girl in most contexts, but deep down I feel as though I might be very uncomfortable with that identity. When I was younger I was a "tomboy" and my friends were only ever boys, however for a lot of my childhood I took that one step further and used a male name, cut my hair off with scissors myself and wore male underwear and clothes. I remember being very distressed when my body starting developing and my mother told me I was required to wear a bra.Despite this, by the time I was a teenager I was presenting as female only with long hair, makeup etc.My sexual preferences are fairly unclear, however I am not in any way attracted to straight masculine men, I only like men who look feminine or like "twinks".I have never actually considered I might be transgender since my childhood, but recently I have been thinking about it more and realised how uncomfortable I feel being a woman and having a female body. I am considered attractive by conventional female standards (I'm 163cm, slim with large boobs and a feminine facial structure) however I don't see my body as my own, rather just a generic female body and I find myself extremely envious of those who are taller and more masculine in appearance. If I encounter men who appear tough and muscular I feel jealous and imsecure and view them as competion and I feel very upset if they comment on my apparent feminity or weakness. In terms of my sexual preferences, I have never had penis-in-vagina sex and I feel uncomfortable with the idea, however I am a sexual person. That said, I can only enjoy sexual situations (I've done most other things) if I am in a traditionally masculine role, on top and am the one "doing things" to the other person as opposed to receiving. I consider myself a sexual dominant, however I have more in common with the typical male dom than female in terms of the type of dom I am and what I enjoy. Although this is possibly irrelevant, I have stereotypically male interests such as video games and science fiction, no vision from the sides and a very logical brain (I'm Asperger's though which possibly accounts for some of this). I have no interest in shopping or anything similar. However of course, you can be a woman without being "girly". I suppose the reason I feel confused is because there is a distinction in that I feel genuinely uncomfortable with being perceived as female and don't feel comfortable engaging in sex as a female.I'm not really seeking any "answer" because the truth is I don't think I would seek gender reassignment or even present as a man (at the moment I use an androgynous nickname and tend to wear t-shirts and jeans with boots, however I have long blonde hair and wear makeup if I'm actually bothering with my appearance). The reason I wouldn't change my presentation or have surgery is simply because I don't want to be perceived as unattractive and inferior and as a short transgender male I would lose my "conventionally attractive" status and I would never be able to be the type of man I wanted (I would like to look like Christian Grey in the film or a similar type, 6ft slightly muscular clean-shaven but masculine and dominant guy). However at the same time when people find my female body attractive, I feel very uncomfortable being called cute, pretty, feminine or anything similar unless I have just detached myself.I'm not sure what my exact question is. I guess, do my feelings indicate actual gender identity issues?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): The question was factual, I wasn't seeking help. There are plenty of other greater issues at this moment for me than my lack of clear sexual identity. I'm just confused why people automatically assumed I lacked a romantic partner and/or was searching.As for accepting compliments, it is difficult to enjoy a compliment that pinpoints an insecurity and is at odds with you self-perception and desired identity. I don't care that much though. I think my body is fine, just grotesquely unsuited to me and I do find women attractive but prefer feminine men.Plenty of tomboys with short hair are comfortable to identify as women. I myself regarded myself as a "he" with a male name during the time I spoke about, but it's all rather irrelevant.I'm not bothered about people's perceptions of me in that regard and I am familiar with having therapy. I don't wish to now though. I just wanted to gauge people's perceptions of the mindset I described and the consensus seems to be this new term "genderqueer". Good answer, Honeypie. Most accurate response/10. You saw through me rather than offering random abstract advice.On a side note, I don't label myself or desire to and I agree that cute can be a descriptor for a person of any gender. I myself use it as such. However my fundamental objection with that word is probably more to the perceived implication of weakness than anything gender-related.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Where in my post did I specify whether I had or was searching for a romantic partner?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (18 January 2016):
I find it peculiar that you don't state whether your sexual encounters are with men or women.Have you heard of the term 'genderqueer'? Take a look at the following web site that explains this term, may shed some light on your own situation, and provide links to other sources...https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GenderqueerAlso, visit Jizlee.com. To answer your question, yes, you are having gender identity issues. But you are far from being alone in this. You are smart to consider the drawbacks of going thru the process of becoming a transgender man.It sounds as though you don't have a romantic partner, possibly because you haven't exactly figured out who you are or how you want to live. Dating a variety of people will help you definite yourself and figure out how you want to live and in what kind of partnership.The right partner would help you come to these decisions and make you more comfortable with yourself.Research is really the important thing to do at this point. Seeing a therapist experienced with these situations would be an enormous help. Again, look on the web. You also don't say what kind of a town you live in. If you are in a small town where folks are judgmental, I'd think about moving to a more liberal place, with San Francisco being at the top of the list. Good luck with settling into the best and most comfortable person you can be!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 January 2016):
 I don't see it as being an issue. You are what is called gender fluid. Though that in itself can be a bit confusing.
Definition:
Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities.
Having been a "tomboy" as a kid is not the reason, not is having short hair. It might back then have made you feel more comfortable than a more "feminine" version of yourself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/17/ruby-rose-gender-fluid-video-interview_n_7603186.html
You are definitely not the only one out there who doesn't identify with ONLY one gender, so as far as that goes maybe that will makes it easier for you to accept yourself as you are.
As for people giving you compliments.. take them as they are. They are not given to make you feel uncomfortable or to make you feel less of a person. Yes, sure, it would be nice if you got compliments for your personality or your brains, but... that is rarely how it goes. And whether you identify (for now) as a guy or a girl you can STILL be cute. Guys are cute too, you know?
I do think the Aspergers play a part in this, but I'm not expert on either gender fluid nor Asperger. So maybe? consider talking to a therapist (one who specialize in either Aspergars or transgender ).
And maybe join a LGBT group? Find a LGBT/transgender online forum and talk to others who are in the same boat.
As for your sexuality - you could be slightly on the asexual side. While you find "twinks" - feminine men attractive, you might not want the actual sexual act (penis in vagina type).
But just like GENDER can be fluid for some, so can sexuality. Maybe you focus on feminine men, because you see yourself as a masculine woman - the "man" in a relationship but you don't feel attracted to women, perhaps because you don't like (or don't feel comfortable) about your own body.
So there are a LOT of things going on in your post and I think it's not an easy one. Specially not for "us" uncles and aunties who don't walk in your shoes or deal with it on a daily basis. Hence... the therapist.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 January 2016):
 You like what you like. You don't have to label yourself as having an issue. You will have no problems finding your other half. I've seen many pairs of masculine women and feminine men together. I still like to refer you as a girl though, whether you like it or not, sorry.
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