A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just need some advice on a situation I am overwhelmed by.im not sure how common this situation is , I don't want to be judged I just need some help.so the situation is this. I have been with my boyfriend for four years, our relationship has troubles like every ones and we are far from the perfect couple. In this four years I have gotten to know his friends and they are all wonderful people but there is one that really sets a fire in my heart and that is his best friend.he knows me so well, we have so much in common , we laugh at the same things, he makes references to my personality and we have conversation on topics we love and we can talk for hours about one subject. he just gets me. I love his eyes and his smile and his laugh and today I realised I have very strong feelings for him, almost like that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you first realise how much you really love someone.its scared me. I realised even more so when I last decided to hang with my boyfriend and his best friend ,I love the way his best friend speaks . I think im falling in love with him and its a really scary prospect.sorry if this is TMI but I get these erotic moments when I see him where I can see me and him having the most passionate slow sex and his hands all over my body. its so bad that I ache for him. I have pleasured myself to the thought of him and it was so satisfying, sorry again if TMI but I need you to know how complex the situation is for me, after I had pleasured myself thinking of him, I didn't feel guilty at all. I try not to let it show when im around him all the devious thoughts and the feelings of love.what can I do? why is this happening to me? is it common? im confused and curious and id love to just try him on to see if we fit that way, I want that connection everyday.I don't feel as satisfied with the conversations I have with my boyfriend as I do with his best friend , my boyfriends conversation doesn't really inspire me like his best friends does.help. thank you
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female
reader, amotherslove  +, writes (1 August 2019):
 Hello hun. My guess is since this is an old question you have done what needs doing, but just in case you haven't, I shall add my 2 cents. The key is what you said here:
"I have pleasured myself to the thought of him and it was so satisfying, sorry again if TMI but I need you to know how complex the situation is for me, after I had pleasured myself thinking of him, I didn't feel guilty at all."
This is anything BUT "TMI"; indeed, it is a critical admission & unlocks your problem quite neatly. You want this guy. Plain & simple: you want him. Nothing wrong with that. I won't judge you for that (hell, least of all me, you have NO idea!). So your choices, should you wish to be happy, boil down to 2:
1) Break up with your current boyfriend & pursue his best friend with full gusto. It's not ideal, obviously, because not only do they know each other but are best friends, so that is a complicating factor (if you let it be); or
2) Maintain your current boyfriend & pursue his best friend secretly, on the side as it were. This ALSO has its obvious downside, & I'm not necessarily recommending cheating, but it IS an option if you want to keep your current boyfriend (which it sounds to me like you really don't, see below) & you can't bring yourself to break it off with him or tell him how you really feel.
Before you do anything rash I would recommend finding out if his best friend likes you in the way you like him, romantically. My guess is he doesn't, but it's only a guess; he probably sees you as his best buddy's girlfriend & only as that. It is possible, though, he does have romantic feelings for you. You should ascertain that before you go & "jump ship" only to find out the lifeboat you (erroneously) thought was there is, in fact, not! Being honest about your feelings & communicating that is usually best.
And as I said above with "see below," it sounds like your current relationship may just have run its course. It's sad, naturally, but it's nothing unusual or anything to get really broken up over for years, it just happens, you grow apart, etc., whatever. He just may not be "the one" for you. His best friend might be; you won't know till you try him on (assuming he is willing & has romantic inclinations toward you).
You also need to think about, if his best friend does harbor romantic feelings for you, how that will impact relations with his best friend, your now ex-boyfriend. Are you prepared to handle that? Do you have a plan to deal with that? If not, a possible 3rd option presents itself in which case being around his best friend is torturous (e.g. he doesn't have romantic feelings for you) & perhaps your current boyfriend isn't a good relationship for you anymore, well, maybe you need to distance yourself from BOTH of them.
It's radical, but may be for the best if you're not mentally & emotionally equipped to handle the other choices. There's no shame in admitting that to yourself; actually, it would be smart to do so if that is the case. Self-deception is incredibly common, & incredibly harmful.
Me personally? If his bestie liked me the way I like him I wouldn't worry at all about my current (soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend. He'd just have to deal with it, with the new reality, & move over for the "better man" (in my eyes)& be mature about the whole thing. If he can't, too bad. Tough titty, as they say. Now, some (I'm sure) would say this is me being a selfish bitch; to them I reply: life is too damn short to spend it with your panties always bunched over how other people feel about your relationships (I'm closing on 60, so take that into account). It's YOUR life. YOU need to be happy in it, not them.
Please note I am NOT recommending you go balls-out like that here: I'm just telling you that's how I would handle it, me personally (I'm not very much with the "namby-pamby, subtle, beat around the bush type of stuff). You need to figure out what your heart is telling you to do, then do that. Best is just to be honest about it all, with both of them. When you do that, things tend to sort themselves out, in my experience. We wish you very good luck, luv.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2019): OP are you aware that your bf of 4yrs is a human being, with emotions and feelings? Why do you not break up with him, to permit him to find a loyal woman? I have to ask you, does the bff have a girlfriend? Or do you even care? OP, your cavalier attitude with these two men, is pathetic! You want to try on the bff, to see if you fit like that? These are human beings, not a pair of pants that you are going to try on, to see if they fit right, in the crotbh! If you do love your boyfriend, you need to tell him the fantasies and feelings that you are having. Then the two of you can discuss whether you want to try to get past your emotional affair, to make a go of it. Your poor bf is playing the part of the unsuspecting ignorant fool, in this drama of yours, and it is not fair of you to put him into that role! How would you like it if he placed you into that role? Just because you get a shiney new pair of shoes, that fit, it does not mean that they will be the best wearing pair ever, or the most comfortable pair!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 June 2019):
This happens to people all the time. You have two choices: Tell your boyfriend how you feel. Explain to him that it’s nothing he’s done but you have fallen for someone else. And send him on his way with your deepest apologies.
Or you can choose to work on your relationship with your boyfriend. Try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place and get back there. If it doesn’t work and you continue to have feelings for the best friend you can always go to option one.
Whichever you choose it’s time for an honest talk with your boyfriend about your relationship.
One last thing if your relationship with your boyfriend has run it’s course that is no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Every relationship runs it’s course until you find the one that doesn’t. Perhaps this one has run it’s course
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2019): Sorry!
""Drooling over your girlfriend's boyfriend..."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2019): Typo correction:
"Going out of your way to send the other guy signals to pull him in closer."
"Drooling over your girlfriend's boyfriendfriend, boyfriend's buddy, or somebody's spouse is as old as humanity itself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2019): Being already in a relationship with your boyfriend means you should direct all your concerns and energies towards deciding what you're going to do about the relationship you currently have.
All your fuzzy feelings and lust for his buddy are just what people feel just before cheating on their partners. The "TMI," as you've referred to it, tells the entire story; and exposes all the ulterior-motives behind it. Yet during all these so-called feelings; you haven't decided to give-up your boyfriend.
This is only emotional transference. You think you see everything you want in your boyfriend in his friend. For the most part, the sexual-attraction is embellishing and enhancing your whole perception of who this guy is. In other words, you're idolizing and creating an ideal image that isn't necessarily there. When you want something bad enough, you'll overlook the scratches and dents. It's once you get it that you see it for what it is. Otherwise, it's all shiny and perfect! "Ya just gotta have it!"
Crushes/infatuation is mostly fantasy. You don't want to see a blemish on someone that you idolize and place up on a pedestal. Instead, you focus only on those attributes you find favorable and alluring. Some of what you see isn't truly there! Lust and your imagination adds them for good-measure. This is the sexual-tension and temptation that builds-up before the act of cheating.
Did you actually ask us if it's common? You're over 30!!! It's so common in-fact, that it's totally cliche! Drooling over your girlfriend's friend, boyfriend's buddy, or somebody's spouse is as old as humanity itself! It's still wrong, even though it frequently happens. So you employ self-control! You activate your impulse-control! Practice fidelity or loyalty, or you have to breakup! Abort your existing relationship!
It's the overreaching sense of entitlement people have nowadays that justifies seeking whatever you want; no matter what the consequences may be, or who gets hurt in the process. The lame excuse always being: "I just can't help it!" Or..."the devil made me do it!"
You're creating a perfect guy in your boyfriend's buddy through the fantasy-imagery/rosy-glasses that the mind creates when we really covet something; or thirst for something that is forbidden.
The forbidden-fruit is always more tempting and sweeter, girlfriend!
The grass is much greener on the other side of the fence!
You're already talking out of your head; which means you're going to start slipping! Going out of you way to send the other guy signals to pull him in closer. Your boyfriend is going to start noticing your little slips and give-aways! You'll laugh too loud and long at his buddy's jokes. You will focus too much on what he says, look at him with dreamy-eyes, and you'll go out of your way to hold his attention. That's psychological-cheating already in-progress! Oh...then comes getting drunk, and blaming it on the alcohol!
The debauchery comes in the way this sort of situation creates dissension and trouble between good friends. Someone scheming in the middle; while trying to make it look innocent, but weaving a sticky little web. Dragging a friend into discourse; and creating an environment of deception, betrayal, and drama.
Back-off! If you can't resolve your issues in your existing-relationship; then end it. Don't be the trouble in the middle! Sometimes eyeing the buddy is subtle treachery meant to destroy someone's friendship out of jealousy for what works in the friendship that isn't working for you in your romance!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 June 2019):
 Nowhere have you mentioned if you feel the the best friend also fancies you and I'm sure you'd know it instinctively. So I'm guessing he doesn't and just treats you like his friend's girlfriend, maybe even like a sister, which is why he's so comfortable around you.
In the unlikely event that he does have feelings for you, then you have to keep aunty Ivyblue's point in mind. What you're feeling right now is limerence, which is that fuzzy, warm, can't-get-enough-of-him feeling. It's there in every new relationship where you think you're walking on air, you're feeling a love like no one else ever has, you're utterly and completely smitten. Bet you felt like this with the current boyfriend as well.
OP the best thing under this scenario would be to break up with your boyfriend and if the best friend still keeps in touch with you, then you tell him eventually. Keep in mind that he may not want to be friends with you once you're broken up with this guy so getting to see him might not be easy for you. Plus untangling yourself from the current boyfriend will take some time as well.
Is it really worth the drama?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2019): Maybe this was a 60's 70's thing buy my wife of 40 years went with my buddy first and we overlapped. There was never a 3 way way sex thing but she was with us both for awhile. Also 4 of my old girlfriends dated buddies, 2 of them married. We still see my wife's old bf and his wife; on friendly terms with everyone I talked about. Things were different I guess. Everyone seems to over analyze now.
"you start dating and it turns out he is NOT quite as great as you thought." -- a swing and a miss, next batter please. Move on. Don't take a year thinking about who you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 June 2019):
 You know, OP you will meet people who seem to be "just" that great person for you, sometimes they are and sometimes they are not.
IF you pursue this there are a few scenarios I can see happening.
1. He rejects the idea. (because he cares about his Best Friend)
2. He goes for it and LOSES his Best friend ( and later that will bite you in the ass)
3. you start dating and it turns out he is NOT quite as great as you thought.
4. you start dating and HE find out, that he can't trust you. (as you were pining after your BF's best friend.)
5. it works out but you BOTH lose that whole friendship group.
You have been with your BF for 4 years, so things are more routine, which is why you find the BFF intriguing. He is "new and shiny" so to speak.
And you HAVE to realize that you can't always GET what you want, and in this case... NOT without hurting OTHER people.
My advice? TAKE some time and THINK about the relationship you have with your BF. IS it something you are willing to end? (and no, not just with the thought of getting the BFF) If you are NOT fulfilled by your BF, end it. GIVE HIM the chance to find someone who WANT to be with him. And then take a GOOD 6 months (at least) off from dating. Where you take stock of what YOU want in a partner. What you want in life.
If after a longer period you still want to pursue the BFF, then maybe it's not impossible... However, you might still run into one or more of the above mentioned scenarios.
Bet before you DO all that....
CONSIDER this. HOW would you feel if your BF was LUSTING after a female BFF of yours? How would you fee about that BFF if she encouraged it?
And how well do you ACTUALLY think you could TRUST this BFF of your BF's if you started dating... maybe he just REALLY sees you as a friend or... he likes to make sport of having his friend's GF's go goo-goo over him.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 June 2019):
 Think back to four years ago, how did you first see you now bf? Did you and him just click, converse for hours, did he just get you and did you get off while thinking of him? My point for asking is most relationships start out that way, that same feeling of limerence you now have with the best friend. Of course, over time, wears off and people find themselves as you do now about your current relationship. If you are truely not happy but love your bf then why not try to get that spark back. If you love him but no longer in love the kindest thing for both of you would be to let him go. Dealing with that is enough of a blow without having to deal with you ,potentially running off with his best mate. My advice would be not to go there but my guess is human nature with intervene and you're going to follow your desire anyway BUT put some serious time between a break up and best friend hook up. Assuming this is what the best friend wants also.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2019): I would try and put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if he was fantasising about a female best friend of yours, how would you feel? Then imagine he breaks up with you and ends up with her! Leave his best friend alone. There's plenty of guys out there. If you don't like your bf anyway just leave. Most likely his best friend will not betray the friendship and if he does I would question whether he's such a great guy
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 June 2019):
 Why are you still in this relationship with your boyfriend when you write of it so dismissively? (For the record, there is no such thing as a "perfect couple".) Is it so you can see the best friend? If the relationship is not right for you, you need to finish it, cleanly and as kindly as possible. Then - and only then - can you explore whether there is anything between you and the best friend. Be aware though that, out of loyalty to his friend, he may not want to get involved with you. However, if your heart is not in your current relationship, then it is pointless staying in it.
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