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Married and have feelings for another man

Tagged as: Faded love, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 January 2011) 21 Answers - (Newest, 4 January 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a married woman. I have been married to the same man for almost 20 years. He loves me with all his heart. He is loyal, a good father to our kids, and he does everything for me. He puts up with me even when I am not nice to him. Any woman would be lucky to have a husband like him.

But I have a huge problem. I am having very strong feelings and chemistry for another man. I see him almost everyday. He is also married. I think he feels the same way about me but we have never crossed the line. I am trying as hard as I can to fight these feelings and forget about them because we are in an impossible situation. We are both married with families. But it is tearing me apart. I am having a hard time dealing with all of my emotions.

I feel like I want to be with this other man. I don't seem to feel the same way about my husband. But it is very hard on me trying to pretend these feelings don't exist. They are there no matter what I do. And it really hurts that I cannot be with this other man. I have values and morals. I know that getting involved with him is wrong on many levels and I am staying strong not to do it. But how can I manage to let it all go without it hurting so much? My husband knows that something is up with me. He can tell something is different. I continue to deny it. I also feel so guilty that I have let myself get in this deep. I never thought in a million years that something like this would ever happen to me.

I would only consider a relationship if we both left our spouses first but I don't know what to do. Should I ask the other man how he feels? Should I just be miserable? Honestly, I will always love my husband because he is a good person and so good to me but is that enough reason to stay with him?

Any advice would really help me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2016):

I am also in the same situation. I've been married 15 years. I know hubby loves me. But my marriage has had some shaky times. It has never been about another man or woman. It was always our own issues and have always been worked out.

I've met someone and we've become friends. He is divorced. It was a sexual attraction at first for me. My hubby works long hours plus the stresses of life has affected our intimacy. I hit on this guy and being a Christian man, he did not take the bait. However, with his strong faith in God, as well as my own, he has helped me become a stronger person. That is our real connection. He knows my marriage has been shaky and has encouraged me to work it out. We are still very good friends, talk and text each other. I don't hit on him anymore, but do have stronger feelings than I'd like. His strength and character has helped me communicate with my hubby better and things are improving. But it is also his strength and character that attracts me to him more. Yes I think about him all the time, even when I'm intimate with my husband. I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass, but it has been 8 months. I find myself asking God to help guide me to the right decision. I also feel that God has brought us together for a reason. I don't know what it is. But if me and this other man are meant to be together, eventually it will work itself out. If God intended to test me with the temptation to work things out with hubby, than it will. Only time will tell

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011):

You seem like a mature, empathetic, and rational person, but you also seems like you're a bit lonely in your marriage.

You may refuse to believe you have anything but the perfect marriage though... and so you are distracted by the fantasy of this guy.

Please don't leave your husband. I would suggest telling him about these feelings that you haven't acted on and suggest to him you want couples counseling. It might also help address why you are disatisfied with the marriage.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

lack of physical attraction in a marriage can be a marriage-killer. I'm sorry many people would disagree or say it's shallow wrong for this to be so, but it's the truth. otherwise, it's saying that physical relations are completely unimportant in a marriage.

People have needs for physical connection, it is biological in nature and wishing these needs away doesn't make them go away. Not having these needs met can be very difficult mentally and emotionally. This is one reason why marriage exists, to allow people to legally and safely have this need met with the approval of society.

Once you are married, you have no other ethical ways to get your physical needs met other than through your spouse.

therefore I do consider lack of physical attraction to be a deal breaker in a marriage because living in a marriage without that element, and marriage is supposed to be forever, can be very distressing to both parties to the point of leading to total relationship disintegration and clinical depression (the one who feels rejected suffers intense self esteem erosion, and both parties suffer from lack of intimacy). Maybe you are at that point now which is why you're writing in!

no wonder you feel such intense attraction to another man. When needs go unmet, they get more urgent and pressing, not less.

this has nothing to do with the new guy you've just met. It could be any halfway decent guy, really.

try to solve that problem in your marriage first, try to figure out why you don't have attraction to your husband anymore and try to bring it back into existence. Like they say, marriage is commitment. Be committed to trying to bring this back into your marriage.

Being completely unattracted to your husband is not hurting just you but him too. it's devastating for men to be rejected by their wives on this level. It cuts to the core of their manhood and self esteem. It could lead to him having an affair too!!

therefore if you really really dont' have that with your husband anymore no matter what you do (and I don't believe it can be conjured up with just anyone on demand), then being honest and leaving him is not wrong. By doing so you will be upholding the standards for marriage by no longer being an example of a hollow marriage for others to follow.

marriage should not be an entrapment in a situation of lifelong deprivation, for either of you.

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (26 January 2011):

OP, don't compare the other guy with your husband to decide who you should be with.

Put the other guy aside first and examine your marriage, on its own grounds, without anyone else being available as an alternative.

If you would be OK staying married if you didn't have any other alternative man, would you?? If yes, then you're not ready to leave your marriage. If you left for the other guy,and it doesn't work out with the other guy a few years down the road, you may be regretting your decision to leave your husband.

but if you can honestly say your marriage is so awful that you can't stand to be with your husband anymore and would rather be completely alone, than to be married to him, then you're ready to divorce and it wouldn't matter how things worked out with the other man or not. If things didn't work out with the other man you wouldn't be regretting having left your husband.

Comparing the other man with your husband is like comparing apples to oranges because you dont' know the new man as well as you know your husband, you haven't shared responsibilities and difficult times with the new man you don't know if he has 'deal breaker' traits in him or not because you haven't been in such situations with him that can bring out the worst in him, as you have with your husband. You haven't seen him in unflattering situations like you have your husband. And he hasn't had these experiences with you either the way your husband had. For all you know, the new man could dump you once he really got to know you and seen you in unflattering situations.

so, don't compare your husband with the other guy. Just compare your husband with the possibility of being alone and unmarried without anyone else around.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

I have had a similar situation in my life. I had been married to my husband for 15 years when he took a job pretty far away. At the time our kids were young teenagers. I was left to take care of the kids, work, etc. At time it was overwhelming, but I did it because we were all making sacrifices to get the family on track financially. That was quite a while ago. My husband is still working away from home. My children are now grown and have left the house.

A couple of years ago I was contacted by the person I was with before I married my husband. Like you, there had been few men in my life. I was very vulnerable to this man's advances because I was pretty lonely in my marriage. The physical distance had made my heart grow distant as well. This man was persistent and eventually I caved in. I believed what he told me. How he had always loved me, etc.

He was very romantic and I guess time with him filled the void in my marriage. He was fun and easy to talk to. I was blinded by this infatuation and so it took some time to find out the real story with him. Eventually, I became aware that he had lied about a lot of things. The bottom line is that he is a man of weak character. I do feel that he saw I was vulnerable and took advantage of that. Now I feel foolish for falling for any of his lines.

My husband never found out about any of this. I count myself lucky with that. I am now trying to repair the damage that was done. If I were to compare the two men, there would be no comparison. My husband is a man of strong character. He is a good man. I do regret what I have done and feel very guilty about it.

Try to bridge the distance in your marriage. Look for ways to fall in love with your husband again. You were in love with him once. If you feel there are problems, tell him what those problems are. He has a right to know. I know it can be difficult to tell someone that you are no longer physically attracted to them. Perhaps he has let himself go. There might be some way you could gently tell him how you feel. Your husband has shown he is a good man through his actions.

The attraction you feel to this other man has not stood the test of time, as your marriage has. You may lose everything for a little bit of excitement. I came awfully close to doing that myself and now I can't believe I almost ruined my life, and the lives of my children and family for something so superficial.

Please think things through.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

Thank you for all the advice everyone.

I may have given the impression that I am happily married. I don't know if this is really the case if I am very honest with myself. I have been with my husband for a long time. I have only been with three men in my life including my husband and I got married young. We have many pressures facing our marriage. I won't get into them but they are making things much harder on our relationship. We have two children. One is 10 and we adopted another one three years ago so we still have a young child at home with us. My husband works in another state and is only home on weekends so I don't see him a lot and I am left to manage on my own with my own job and the kids.

I find that I am not attracted to my husband anymore physically. I don't know if it is because of all the problems we are facing or because I am bored or don't see him everyday. All I know is the thought of having to sleep with this man for the rest of my life makes me feel like I am missing out on something. It makes me feel like I am settling and sticking it out because that is the right thing to do but my heart is not completely there. I am ashamed to admit to this but I think about the other man when I am intimate with my husband. I know for sure I would get the spark back with the other guy because there is an undeniable chemistry between us but would it be real, would it last and at what cost?

I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about the other guy and I am feeling so guilty and torn that I care so much for him and not as much for my husband. I don't know why I am feeling so overwhelmed like this. I am having a really hard time. My gut feeling says I should get over it and believe me I have been trying. I guess I will have to keep strong and hope that all the feelings just die somehow, someday.

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (26 January 2011):

However, OP, despite the fact that I think it's not wrong for you to ask the other man if he shares your feelings, I still stand by my first post which is that since you have stated that there's nothing "wrong" with your marriage, that therefore you should honor your commitment to the marriage. Therefore whether you ask the other man if he shares your feelings or not, is moot.

In other words, I don't think it's wrong to ask him if he shares your feelings. You're just asking him for information, you do not have to act on that information you receive. Hopefully he will say NO. But realize that if he says yes, this is just going to make it harder for you to stay committed to your marriage and you might give him the impression that you're going to leave your marriage and that can backfire.

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (26 January 2011):

I don't think it's wrong for the OP to ask the other man if he shares her feelings. She's clear that she will not get into an affair and that if they are to start a relationship they would have to first leave their spouses. She just wants to know what the probability is that he is on the same page as her.

the very act of ASKING, does not mean anything is going to happen. It's just a question, just seeking information. If the other guy's marriage is sound, if he wishes to stay married and faithful to his wife, he will simply say NO to the OP.

And if by chance something were to happen as a result of the OP just asking, if it somehow puts the seed of a thought in the other man's mind and this results in him seriously thinking about leaving his wife, well that means that a huge crack in the other guy's marriage has been uncovered, if just the mere fact of the OP asking him is enough for him to leave his wife. And if so, even if she did not ask, doesn't mean this huge flaw in his marriage goes away, it just means no one knows about it and they can continue to bury their heads in the sand.

if the course of history will be altered just by the mere fact of the OP asking the other man if he will leave his marriage - well doesn't that say something about the strength and quality about both their marriages to begin with??? Isn't it better to confront the truth and face it head on rather than to avoid sitautions that may bring out the truth. if the other guy's marriage is strong, nothing will happen from the OP asking him. If his marriage is shaky, well then whether she asks him or not doesn't change the fact that his marriage is shaky. Sometimes it takes a crisis to bring a marriage back from a difficult place. Other times it exposes the hard truth that maybe the everyone has just been pretending all this time and the marriage should end. if a marriage continues for years not because it's actually strong but simply because it's never been allowed to meet a real test, is this to be celebrated?

if anything it could lead to one or both of them seriously examining their marriages and deciding to work on their marriages to improve them as a result.

I agree the OP should communicate with her husband too. If she's seriously thinking about leaving him, he has the right to know. But I don't see why it would be bad for her to ask the other guy if he shares her feelings too.

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A female reader, TEM United States +, writes (26 January 2011):

TEM agony aunt20 years happily married vs an infatuation you've had for how long? Several months maybe? Which one do you feel carries more weight? Which is of more worth? Which is real? Where does real love lie?

It's easy to be attracted to a man that is not part of your real life. He is seen in the best light. You see him when he is well put together, when he is dressed nicely, when he is smiling and putting his best foot forward. Your conversations are fun. They're not weighed down by the everyday problems of real life. But who is it that has helped you and stood by you through thick and thin?

You are attracted to this man because something is missing in your marriage. You need to figure out what that is. You need to solve that problem rather than running away from it by escaping into a fantasy world. The man is a fantasy. Your husband is the real deal.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

Is it not possible that two people can fall in love with each other while married?

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A male reader, Kilcardy United States +, writes (25 January 2011):

Nobody is blaming the woman here. It just so happens she is the one who sought advice, so the advice is directed at her. And, we really don't know what the guy has done here. All we know is that the person seeking our advice "thinks" the other guy feels the same way as she does. That's a huge assumption to make. Be that as it may, there's no blame only advice as to what not to do with this married man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

I would like to know why everybody is blaming the woman here who is married like she is the one who would be destroying the other man's marriage if she acts on her feelings. Don't you get that both of them are to blame for starting this emotional affair together? Takes two to tango. It doesn't sound like she wants to leave her husband or break up the other guy's marriage. She knows it is wrong and has said so. Looks like she is just having a hard time handling the fact she has made the RIGHT decision. I am sure in time they will both get over it if they decide to cut contact with each other.

What about the other guy? Is he not devoting a lot of his emotional energy outside his marriage to continue an attraction with this woman? Of course he is! He is also placing his family at risk because of his behaviour. Let's not forget it takes two people to have an affair, not just one.

It is clear to me that both of these people have some problems/are bored in their marriages and have seeked each other out. It happens and is perfectly understandable. But as some of you have said, there is a big difference between having these feelings and acting on them.

Honestly, I would say both of these people, if they were in stable and happy marriages, would not be having such feelings. They should be working on their own marriages instead of looking outside of them.

I feel horribly for this woman because it is not an easy position to be in. Obviously she is crying out for help because she is feeling overwhelmed.

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A male reader, Kilcardy United States +, writes (25 January 2011):

I'm sorry, but I think female anonymous is dead wrong advising you to tell the married guy how you feel. That's how affairs start. You should be talking to your husband for crying out loud, not some married man! Talking to the married man is putting your head in the sand, not the other way around. You move the ball forward zero inches talking to this guy about your "feelings" and you are going to make things a hell of a lot worse for yourself and your family. Don't do it.

And that female anonymous thinks it's ok for other females to ask married men if they will leave their wives for them is simply unbelievable. She actually refers to this married guy as "your other man". HE'S NOT YOURS!!!! God help society if people think that this is appropriate adult behavior. You have no right to ask this man that question. He's not yours, no matter what your raging hormones, emotions, or feelings are telling you. The advice that you should actually ask this man that question is the first step in ultimately destroying two families and inflicting horrible pain on yourself. At the very least it would constitute an unwarranted interference by you in someone else's marriage. What a selfish and stupid move this would be under these circumstances.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

I assume if you discuss with your other man about leaving your spouses to be together, that you will both consider it with the utmost seriousness and be prepared that just cos you are discussing such possibility doesn't mean you should actually do it in the end.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the mere fact of discussing this with your other man. This is how you work through the real issues in your heart to uncover the TRUTH. Hiding from the truth , trying to bury your head in the sand, just delays the inevitable.

but just because you discuss leaving your spouses, doesn't mean that in the end it will be the right thing to do or that you should do it. But how will you know, unless you have that discussion. At the very least it will clear the air between you and maybe put an end to things one way or another which is always better than this limbo you're in.

It's not easy to break up two families even if you both decided to do it. Breaking the news to your spouses, dealing with their traumatized reactions, breaking the news to your kids and dealing with their traumatized reactions, filing for divorce, going to lawyers, selling the house, dividing up property.....this is the reality of leaving a marriage. It is not easy even when you are sure you want to do it for the right reasons, let alone for iffy reasons that you're not even sure of...and the consequences are long-lasting so the stakes are high.... if you decide to leave your spouses it won't be an easy decision. Thus I don't think there's any danger - like some people here seem to think - that just discussing the possibility means your heading down a path of destruction of two perfectly well-functioning happy families. Discussing is how problems get worked out. How can problems get solved with silence and hidden agendas (even if you are hiding from yourself)??

But go into such a discussion with a clear agenda so that you don't settle for ambiguous outcomes that leave you continuing in this state of limbo or worsening it.

Don't pressure him to leave his wife. If he leaves his wife it has to be because he chooses to do it on his own for his own personal reasons. If he leaves due to you pressuring him, it means he wasn't actually ready to leave so he'll likely regret it in future and try to go back to her. Then you will be responsible for wrecking another woman's and family's life and you will end up with your heart broken too when he tries to go back. So ask him about leaving his wife, by all means, and if he chooses to do so for his own personal reasons you're not responsible for tearing apart another family. But if he says no just accept it and don't try to pressure him.

But I want to ask you. Why would you even consider leaving your husband when you love him so much and he's such a great husband???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

"Should I ask the other man how he feels? "

What difference does it make how he feels? Let's say you ask him how he feels. If he says no I don't feel the same way, then what - you will stay with your husband? If he says yes I feel the exact same way as you, then what??

So before you ask him how he feels - IF you plan on doing it - prepare in advance what you expect to do in response to his answers. Why are you even going to ask him how he feels?

"Should I just be miserable?"

If the misery is temporary, then just endure it until it goes away!

I guess you should examine why you are miserable, what does it take to make the misery go away? And really try to get to the root of the issue and not just stop at the obvious but possibly misleading conclusion. You think right now that the only way to make the misery go away is to somehow make your husband (and the other guy's wife) disappear and you two can be together? Really try to imagine and dissect it from all angles. Are you sure this is really what would make you not-miserable anymore? If so, would it be for real or long lasting? Could you just find yourself back in this same situation in the future anyway?

" Honestly, I will always love my husband because he is a good person and so good to me but is that enough reason to stay with him?"

Well - you say you love your husband and he's good to you. So, um, YES this means you should stay with him. Because that's what marriage means!! Marriage doesn't mean just staying together just until you don't feel like it anymore. That's why marriage is commitment. Commitment means doing something even when you don't always feel like doing it, but because you swore you would do it and the other person is trusting you and counting on you to keep your word. Because they would do the same for you if it were them....If you didn't intend to be committed to him, then why did you marry him?? Marriage means sticking together through thick and thin, through trials and tribulations. This is one such trial and tribulation that a marriage faces. Are you going to jump ship on your husband just like that, your husband who loves you so much, who is so good to you, and whom you love, the minute the going gets tough?? Or will you ride out the storm together until it has passed?

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (25 January 2011):

Since you state that you love your husband, you are satisfied with your marriage, there's nothing "wrong" with your marriage, then I would say that you should cut this other man out of your life so you can stay faithful to your marriage.

well my own opinion (for what it's worth) is that once you are married, you are committed to your spouse. You took vows. Since you yourself said there's nothing "wrong" with your marriage, don't throw it all away for superficial and temporary feelings of infatuation for another man. It's normal and OK to feel these feelings since you're human, but it's wrong to act on them when you're still married.

But it's painful when you want to act on them though, right? So, do a favor to yourself and do everything in your power to minimize these feelings of infatuation , i.e. to remove yourself from the source of the temptation which would entail cutting off contact with this other man. It's easier to get rid of the temptation, than to surround yourself with the temptation and try to hold yourself back from acting on it.

Now, if the marriage relationship was "bad" and making you miserable, if your marriage is unhealthy, certainly if your husband was abusive,or if you plain don't love your spouse anymore, then I don't consider marriage vows to be more sacred than your mental and emotional health. If you were really miserable in your marriage, if your marriage has deteriorated and become harmful or hurtful without any third party involved, if you could honestly say you would be better off un-married, then I would say that you should probably leave your husband whether or not there's a new man in the picture. And if you happened to fall for a new man at this time, perhaps the timing was a coincidence and it could truly be healthier to end your marriage and pursue a relationship with a new person.

But that's the case if your marriage already has been going downhill since before you ever met this other man. If actually your marriage was fine until you started having feelings for a new man, and your feelings for this other man are making your marriage go downhill, then that's totally different scenario and IMHO is unethical and a betrayal to your marriage vows.

in your situation, since you say you have no complaints about your marriage, your marriage is not harmful or damaging to you, not making your life miserable, then I think that you should honor your commitment to your marriage vows above your (most likely superficial) feelings for a new man.

Yes it's undeniable that you have these feelings for the new man, but that's because you've only just got to know him so you're feeling infatuated. It's normal to feel this way because you're human. When in infatuation, the brain releases dopamine which makes you feel good and is addictive so you want more and can't stop thinking about him. But feelings of infatuation usually wear off after a few months. In a normal open relationship these feelisg are meant to get people initially paired up, then after a few months these temporary infatuation feelings would (hopefully) give way to a deeper lasting more mature love that sustains such a pairing to marriage and beyond.

But you should not be developing any such kind of relationship with this new man because you're both married, so once your infatuation wears off there will be nothing left and rightly so, as that is the way it should be, since you are both married. Try to remind yourself of that.

It would be a lot easier on yourself if you cut off all contact with this new man. As long as you continue to see him, it will make the temptation that much stronger and will take longer for the feelings to subside.

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A male reader, Kilcardy United States +, writes (25 January 2011):

I don't mean this in a mean way, but when I read the type of things you wrote I feel it is my duty as an Agony Aunt to lay it on the line. You are being selfish and self-absorbed. All of a sudden your "feelings" constitute the center of the known universe to the exclusion of everything and everyone else that is decent and worthwhile.

You're an adult. You have responsibilities. You took vows with your husband. You have children together whose well being you and your husband are responsible for. Look at what you wrote. You essentially have a great husband, children, a home...things that a lot of people on this earth desperately crave.'re bored. The magic is gone. You're solution is to ruin two families in order to make yourself instantly happy? I can tell you that if you continue down this path, you will rue the day you ever laid eyes on the other man. You will destroy your life as you know it and you will become a shell of your former self. And, chances are pretty damned good that your "friend" will never in a million years leave his wife for you. And, if he ever did, what will you do once the New Energy Relationship runs out there? New man? Lay waste to your life once again? This is no way to live.

So what do you do? You work on your marriage. You work on staying with the great husband you have. You honor your vows and in doing so you honor yourself, your husband, and your children. You work on yourself and try to find out what it is that is making you feel this way. Invest in your relationship. You have to understand that these "emotions" that are now the center of your existence are the result of chemicals in your head that get triggered whenever we meet someone new and exciting. You get addicted to that feeling, which is really based in fantasy and not in the reality that you need to operate in on a daily basis. You need to get off this drug. How? You cut contact with this guy. That means all contact. No texts. No emails. No lovey-dovey lunches. No alone time. Nothing. The emotional energy you are wasting on him is being taken from your marriage. No wonder you don't feel the same way about your husband. Cut the married guy out of your life and invest your energy in your husband and your outlook will improve greatly. When those deceptive "feelings" pop up, just sit with them. Do not act on them. They'll pass.

I truly hate to see people do this to themselves. There are so many bad things that are awaiting you if you don't put a stop to this now. Think about all of the wonderful things laid upon your table that you will lose if you keep on down this treacherous road. Please seriously think about all of this. Read and re-read the replies to your post. Good luck.

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A female reader, Cielito United Kingdom +, writes (24 January 2011):

Cielito agony auntyou have no guarentees what this attraction means for you. maybe its a sign that you are bored or that you need to change things in your life and marriage and has nothing to do with this other man although he has become the object of your need. or maybe you will live very happily with this man for the rest of your lives. everything comes to one thing, you.

what do you need? and what do the people you care about need? can you find the things you want for your life while caring for those around you, and in some cases compromise. sorry this is a little vague. i don't want to say what you shouldn't do but simply ask questions that might let you find this out for your self. the best and most profound answer will come from you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011):

What you are feeling for this another man is lust not love.

You've been married a while and this new man is exciting and different. BUT when you are an adult you realise that just because we want something doesn't mean we should just go ahead and do it.

You love your husband, and that means everything. The idea's you have about this new man is pure fantasy.

It's time do start moving away from this man, either by avoiding him more or changing jobs. Is it really worth throwing your marriage away on some fling? Because that's what it will be.

What makes you think this man would be willing to cheat on his wife? If he is, is that the type of guy you would want to be with anyway?

Distance yourself from this guy and concentrate on your marriage.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011):

The first thing that struck me as I read your post is when you said I would only consider a relationship, if we both left our spouses. Let me tell you even if you did both leave your spouses one of you will probably go back to your wife or husband.

Should I ask him how he feels?

No that is just going to open the whole thing up, and probably the way to an affair.

Should I just be miserable?

No, if that is truly the way you feel then either do something about it or leave.

I will always love my husband because he is a good person and so good to me,is that enough of a reason to stay with him?

No, it's not, are you sure you are not in love with your husband? Have you got bored with married life and looking for some excitement? These are questions you need to ask yourself before you decide what to do next, There are lots of ways you can work on your marriage, in your words you have a good man don't throw that away lightly.

Stay away from the other guy and put your energy into your marriage.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (24 January 2011):


All right, so there is chemistry between you and this other man. Do you know what that means? Nothing. Nothing at all. It just means that if something was to happen, for a year maybe you'd be blissful, then the chemistry would run out and you'd realize that you threw away a good husband for nothing. Seriously, you'd be made to throw a good man that you love away for the sake of some feeling that won't last.

Most feelings like those you are feeling are a con. How many people have cheated/left spouses only to realize after a year that they've screwed up BIG time. A lot. You know that 89% of relationships that start as affairs totally fail? The figure for second relationships failing that start after both spouses have left without thinking is about 70-80%.

In other words, one way or another, that chemistry you're feeling would lead you to being miserable.

I would strongly suggest that you refresh this marriage of yours and avoid this other married man. There is only one thing that it will lead to - your husband moving on to find another woman. You will wind up alone and miserable because you'll have jumped into something that is just some fantasy, and not real life.

You are in a rare position that you have a good husband who you do love. So explore that love with your husband, because if it goes wrong, it'll be you crying as your husband smiles at another woman and moves on whilst you realize you've made a huge mistake.

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