I think sex is disgusting. Can I still find a proper relationship?
Q. Hi I'm 16. I think that sex is disgusting and I'm not to keen on kissing either. Am I the only one and is there any chance of me finding a proper relationship? help and thanks...
A. 6 September 2005: You're going to have a difficult time having a "proper" relationship if by that you mean a romantic relationship with someone who is expecting some kind of sexual intimacy.
If you're worried that you're not yet turned on by the idea of sexual i... (read in full...)
Is my sexual obsession with my sister-in-law healthy... Or not?!
Q. Dear Cupid, I really need to know if I am "normal" and if this problem I have is common among married men. Cut the story short, I have been having sexual fantasies about my wife's older sister for almost a year now. I'm so afraid its getting u...
A. 5 September 2005: Fantasies are pretty normal, and if you can get over the creepy factor, it makes sense that a married man deeply in love with his wife would have fantasies about the woman who was most like his beloved.
Still, it sounds like you've crossed ... (read in full...)
Has my interest in romantic movies ruined my chances of a happy relationship!?
Q. Dear Cupid, There is this weird thought that makes me constantly question the relationship between a guy and a girl. I am an adult guy who has had a few flings but that's all. I never sustained a relationship with a girl for the fear of getting ...
A. 5 September 2005: Even the people who make the movies don't live the lives you see in the movies. If you think about it, it makes sense: it takes hundreds of people months and months to create those two perfect hours on the screen; most people don't walk around with ... (read in full...)
What did he mean? "Too attached"?
Q. Hi, I really like this guy, we spent 3 months together hanging out. We decided that we were going to be friends with benefits. Things were going really well, he was getting really affectionate, and it looked like we had a lot in common. ...
A. 5 September 2005: It's hard to say whether he became too attached but it does sound to me like you wanted to be more than just Friends With Benefits, and that you were becoming too attached.
If you weren't attached, for example, it shouldn't bother you that you... (read in full...)
She's attractive, persistant...and married!
Q. I am a single male of 55 and recently left a place of work where I had a friendship with a lady who is married. She is 40 and asked me out several times, and although I was polite and declined, she was persistent and I have met her a couple o...
A. 5 September 2005: She's a wild card, my friend. Maybe you'd be able to have a great, sex-only relationship with no strings attached, but maybe one of you would become attached to the other and muck things up nicely.
Aside from that, personally, I would want to ... (read in full...)
I want to know if my male friend is just being chatty, or if he might be interested in me...
Q. I have a male friend who I meet up with once every month/2 months for a drink amongst friends. However over the last 6 months I have noticed when he feels no-one is looking he winks at me and when we went out last week, after he had winked at me ...
A. 5 September 2005: I have no way of knowing if this guy is into you or not, but I kind of doubt it. In my experience, when guys are really into someone, they make an effort to be around the object of their interest more than once a month or so. You know—they get an ... (read in full...)
My girl can't make her mind up whether to choose the other lad or me!
Q. hi I have just had a big uproar with my girl. It all started cos she said that she had feelings for another lad, but she does not want to lose me. I still love her and now she is trying to make her mind up. How can I help her choose me? ...
A. 5 September 2005: There's no helping anyone choose anyone. Really. Trust me. I'm an old broad, I've been around.
Because seriously, even if you make a great ploy by taking off and playing hard to get, you're not going to want the situation you're setting up for y... (read in full...)
Should my baby and I go home to my boyfriend?
Q. My boyfriend and i have been together for 19 months. We have a new baby which he didn't really want. As a result of this, after leaving hospital I returned home to my parents' house. I am now at their house, but want to return home, however there ...
A. 5 September 2005: Looking over the situation as you lay it out, I honestly can't see any advantages in you getting back together with your boyfriend. In addition to there being a lack of trust between you, you'd be returning to someone who's got a bad track record ... (read in full...)
To reduce the hurt, is it better to just cut off all contact with my ex?
Q. My ex and I split up in July. We had an upsetting break up when she dumped me for a friend of hers. We went on a break. I suggested it and she was heartbroken. I really upset her. In the break, she got over me and didn't want to risk getting hurt ...
A. 5 September 2005: She'll probably have some kind of reaction to the severing of contact, but it's anyone's guess—and largely irrelevant—as to what that will be.
Regarding relationships (unless they're parent-child, and you're the parent), I believe one should t... (read in full...)
Dad keeps trying to run my life!
Q. I have a dad who is always telling me what to do and what to wear and how to take care of my son. I am 20 years old and I told him I am not a little girl any more and I don't live with him, but he said he don't care. I tried every thing to get thro...
A. 13 August 2005: It sounds from your note like you've already taken the first step to quell the one-way stream of unsolicited advice, which is to move out on your own. That can't have been easy to do at the tender age of 20, and with a child to boot, and it clearly ... (read in full...)
This is more than attachment to my therapist... I love her!
Q. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year now and I have fancied her for most of that time. I know that it is normal to gain some kind of attachment or interest in them due to the intimacy of the relationship. However this love is probably the ...
A. 13 August 2005: As you mention, your experience of developing love or romantic feelings for your therapist is a fairly common on in the client-therapist relationship, and usually (if the therapist is adhering to ethical guidelines) doesn't progress beyond one-sided ... (read in full...)
We're totally different people, but I really love him. Can we work through our differences?
Q. I'm gay and so is the guy I've been trying to make it work out with. He was deployed by Nat'l Guard for a year to my home state after I met him in his home state where I go to school. He has since returned home and im still here, about an hour ...
A. 13 August 2005: From your note, it sounds like the only page you guys are on together is the gay one. And sexual orientation alone—even when the two parties are very attracted to one another or "love" one another—does not a relationship make. Not a good one anyway, ... (read in full...)
Except for the lying and the cheating, our relationship would be perfect...
Q. I found out a week ago that my boyfriend of almost three years cheated on me for the second time. I literally had to force the answer out of him even though I had asked him many times before. He has been lying to me for months. We are still to...
A. 7 August 2005: Lying and cheating are not small things; they're an attack on the foundation of trust and honesty that all good relationships are built upon. It may seem that since the lying and cheating has "only" happened twice (that you know of) in three years, ... (read in full...)
How do I let him know that I know when he's lying?
Q. How do I let my boyfriend know, (without blowing up) that when he lies to me, I know better, and I don't believe him and I am not stupid, and for him not to treat me as if I am? Why can't he understand "honesty is the best policy"?...
A. 7 August 2005: There seem to be three separate issues on the table, so let's address them in turn.
First, I think the best way to let your boyfriend to know you know he's not telling the truth is to do, in order, just what you said. Let's review:
BOYFRIE... (read in full...)
I don't feel the same about my girlfriend any more. How do I break up gently?
Q. I am a 20 year old male who has been seeing the same girl for 3 years now. Things have been going OK and we haven't had many major arguments. However, I think the time has come for me to end this relationship because I don't have any feelings for ...
A. 24 July 2005: There's no easy way to tell the truth. There's only telling it fully, with lovingkindness (to cop a Buddhist term) in your heart.
Think through what you want to say to her. Maybe imagine what you'd want said to you, were the circumstances reversed... (read in full...)
I like to think my cousin and I are smart, pretty and sweet, so how come we can't attract guys?
Q. Is it just me or am I repulsive? I have the worst time with guys. Like my cuz, both of us only attract losers or no guys at all and we are both pretty, smart and we are nice and sweet but we - me especially - never get noticed by guys. What's wr...
A. 24 July 2005: Hmmm...you don't say how old you are, but something tells me you're under 30. WAY under 30.
Welcome to the great injustice of it all. While the guys are all busy complaining about how all the girls want is guys who treat them badly, girls in that ... (read in full...)
I don't think I can stand my partner's drinking binges and disappearances any more.
Q. High School Sweethearts. I came in the military and decided that my boyfriend, at the time, was my one and only. Once in the military, we kept a long distance relationship, and after school got engaged. Drinking became a problem, better yet, an ...
A. 22 July 2005: His childhood may explain the way he's acting, but it doesn't excuse it. The behavior is harmful to you and to your children, in more ways than one. As you mentioned, in addition to the psychic harm this is doing to everyone, he's threatening your ... (read in full...)
She's thrown me out, but I always cave in and go back to her. Now I want to guarantee we stay together...
Q. Can anyone help me? I have been seeing my g/f on and off 4 3 and half years. I love her more than anything, but my relationship is causing so much tension. We have a very passionate relationship, and in the past, my g/f has thrown me out of the ho...
A. 22 July 2005: Wow. If you ask me, "passionate" doesn't begin to describe the relationship you've laid out here. I think "combustive" might get a little closer to the truth.
Okay.
First off, there are no guarantees in life—period. There are things you can d... (read in full...)
Why does he continue to call me when he's in a new relationship now?
Q. About 5 years ago my boyfriend moved in with me and we have 2 children together (1&2). Aout a year and half ago we were not getting along and he said he was leaving so I locked the door behind him and didn't let him back in. He went to his sister's...
A. 21 July 2005: I don't know what your troubles with your boyfriend were, but they must have been egregious if you had the strength to lock him out when there were two small children involved. Based on that move alone, I'd say keep him out of your life...but of ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend won't make time to be with me, or show the same affection, even though she says she loves me!
Q. My girlfriend doesn't seem to make the effort that she used to, to talk to me or be with me I mean, and when we are together we aren't usually alone, by design or accident I don't know. On top of that she isn't as affectionate as she used to be... ...
A. 21 July 2005: You don't mention how long you've been seeing each other, but one strong possibility is that the first blush of romance has faded and along with it, that heady bonding period where all either of you wants to do is stare into each other's eyes and ... (read in full...)
What advice should I give my friend, to help her through the break up?
Q. Dear Cupid I have a friend who I know her for 6 years butI don't contact her since we study in the university. Now she gave me a call because she has just broken it off with her boyfriend and she want me to give advice. I encouraged her and told her...
A. 19 July 2005: You've been friends with someone for six years whom you never talk to? And then out of the blue, she calls you up to ask for advice? That's an interesting sort of friendship. Unless you're perhaps moonlighting as an agony aunt.
Since the details ... (read in full...)
We met, we kissed, I can't stop thinking of him...
Q. Last weekend I met my mother's best friend's son! He's really cute and we got on really well. He asked for my number so I gave it to him and he kissed me. Ever since I haven't stopped thinking about this boy! I'm crazy over him. I've tried ringing ...
A. 19 July 2005: Um, no—it's not possible to fall in love after one night. At least, not as I define the word "love", which I think has more to do with actions than feelings.
It is very possible to be head-over-heels in lust with someone after two seconds,... (read in full...)
Is there more than "friendship" going on with her boyfriend?
Q. My friend has a problem with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend have a close friend and that girl fell in love with him. s My friend doesn't trust her boyfriend because she thinks the relationship between them is more than friends. Her boyfriend says that...
A. 19 July 2005: It's a tough spot you're in, watching your friend go through this.
Unfortunately, this is her thing to go through right now, and there's really not anything you can do to help her other than to be a friend: listen to her as she sorts this out alou... (read in full...)
How can I tell her what I feel for her without risking our friendship?
Q. I have known my friend for just over 2 years now and ever since I can remember I have seriously been crazy about her. I tried the subtle route of hinting and was so desperate at one point I had a friend ask her for me, which I know was stupid a...
A. 19 July 2005: I think it would be helpful to clearly identify your desired outcomes, in ascending order, before you talk to your friend. Obviously, the home run goes something like this:
1. You confess your love for her.
2. She throws her arms around your... (read in full...)
Two dates, each followed by a breakup. Should I try a third time?
Q. Dear agony aunt, I went out with the same guy twice. We broke up twice. I broke it off twice because we never seen each other because he understandably had "family problems". We've recently been flirting again and I'm besotted by him again. He ju...
A. 25 June 2005: I love that word: "besotted". I wish we used it more in the States. It's so evocative, so perfectly descriptive of that situation where one is intoxicated with self-generated feelings for and fixated on externally-applied attributes of the object of ... (read in full...)
What started out as a harmless crush is really starting to develop... much to my chagrin!
Q. I have been working with this guy for nearly 3 years already. I've always had a crush on him but the first time we met, he was in the process of a divorce (he's 28 and I'm 24 at present) and he was my boss at that time. I also had my own problems in ...
A. 25 June 2005: Three years? Baby, that's not a crush—that's a full-blown obsession!
On the bright side, you seem to have a pretty clear-headed view of things, understanding that your crush is inappropriate for a variety of reasons. And yet, in the face of all t... (read in full...)
My last bf sort of discouraged me from performing fellatio on him, now I think I'll be terrible at it...
Q. Im having an issue with fellatio. I'm in a new relationship and i know pretty soon he's going to wonder why i havent performed oral sex on him since he's been doing so on me. My issue is that im really insecure about this. I've been told by ...
A. 25 June 2005: Listen to Bev--she's telling you straight up what works. The more enthusiasm you feel, the better, so if you can try to put aside your fears and just focus on him, how much you're into him, and how much you're into performing fellatio on him. If a ... (read in full...)
A flirtation with a co-worker made me realise that I'm no longer in love with my partner...
Q. Hi there, I've been in a relationship for nearly 10 yrs now(since school). We have 2 children. Although I love my partner, I am no longer in love with him. I have met someone who I have totally fallen for and we have kissed on 2 occasions (through...
A. 24 June 2005: There may be something missing from your current relationship, but I've a feeling it's more along the lines of "passion" or "mystery" or "romance"—or even "connection"—than it is love.
You've been dealing with day-to-day realities (kids, money, c... (read in full...)
I'm sick of his goatee, but he wants to keep it. Am I insane for missing his smooth face?
Q. Tell me if I'm insane. My husband has a goatee and I'm sick of it...I really miss his smooth face. I've asked him to shave but he becomes mad and refuses. It's been 9 months and now every time I look at him I just see this mean person who doesn't ...
A. 24 June 2005:
You're not insane for preferring a smooth-shaven face, but unless you went into this with a no-facial-hair rider to the marriage contract, I don't think it's fair to nag him about it. More importantly, it's not smart: are you getting the reac... (read in full...)
Having second thoughts about getting married to my fiance! Help!
Q. I am engaged and I am having second thoughts. I love him with all of my heart but I dont know if he is the one. How do I tell him?...
A. 24 June 2005: It depends on what you're looking to do by telling him. Are you overwhelmed by your confusion and looking for him to make a decision, lifting the burden from your shoulders? Or are you looking for more time—to stay together until such a time as the ... (read in full...)
Secrets and lies and five kids that he's told me about! What should I do?
Q. I have be in a relationship with a 32 year old men for about 7 months. He is has already been married twice and just told me about 2 months ago about the 1st marriage. Also kids (5) just keep on popping out that he has out of nowhere. He told me ...
A. 22 June 2005: I have no idea what he means by "secured" but that's really not the issue here. The issue is that this guy has lied to you repeatedly, treated you unfairly and continues to take advantage of you. Believe me, he's no friend. Tell him to stop call... (read in full...)
He didn't return my call, even after he gave me his phone number. But then he gave me a meal for free...
Q. Dear Cupid, I go to this restaurant all the time and noticed a very attractive waiter there. I decided after seeing him there a few times to tell him that he is very attractive on one of my visits there and I also asked if he had a girlfrie...
A. 21 June 2005: Let's review: --YOU approached him first --YOU asked HIM for HIS number --when you called him, he did NOT call you back And you're asking if calling him AGAIN is GOING to make you look desperate? Trust me, honey--he already knows y... (read in full...)
Things with my current bf are getting dull. Should I leave or try to make it work?
Q. I am only 18 and I have been with the same guy for 2 years. Things are now getting boring, we have nothing in common and our sex life is non exsistant. I really like another guy and want to get to know him better. Do I try and make things work with ...
A. 21 June 2005: It sounds like there's not much holding you to your current relationship except a sense of obligation, which isn't a great reason to be in a relationship ever, much less at the tender age of 18. Look--you're young. You're supposed to want a lot of... (read in full...)
She seduced me... and now we keep having sex!
Q. Hi , Me and another lad are the only 15 year olds around our area and the girls are all 12-13. So we only see them. We both fell in love with the same 13 year old but she goes out with my mate. But now her best mate (12) wanted to date him and keep...
A. 18 June 2005: Here's what you can do: stop. Right now. Just stop. You think you can't, but believe me, you can. No, it's not easy, but it's simple: you are young enough yourself, but she is a child—a very precocious child, but a child, nevertheless. She's playing ... (read in full...)
The guy I like can't seem to move past the trauma of 2 years ago...
Q. I really like this guy at work and he likes me too but there is a problem: 2 years ago his fiancee died in a car crash and he can't seem to move on with his life. He tells me when the time is right we can be together but when is the time right? I ...
A. 18 June 2005: Yow.
I'm terribly sorry for your friend's loss. As you no doubt understand, it's a devastation that's difficult to get over both because of the abruptness and violence of the loss and because when a relationship is cut off at that romantic... (read in full...)
I asked him to stop online chatting and porn, but he did it behind my back!
Q. My b/f 35 and I'm 33. At one time he was talking with girls on line and he was even calling them up and he also looked at porn all the time. He told me would stop and I thought he did but I found out he has been chatting with them again,and still lo...
A. 18 June 2005: Look, I've got nothing against porn. I don't have anything against people who like porn any more than I do people who don't like porn. I think people can be in healthy relationships where everyone, one person or no one looks at porn.
What I don't ... (read in full...)
Been thinking about catching up with an ex-boyfriend, but is it a good idea?
Q. Hi! I think I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend, even though we broke up about a year ago. We have been friends for the past 6 months or so, but now he is moving at the end of the summer. I want to call him and ask him to do something so we ...
A. 18 June 2005: What do you imagine coming out of this potential meetup? A surprise mutual declaration of the secret love you've each been holding? A mad, passionate last-minute reconciliation, followed by the resumption of your love affair, either locally (with ... (read in full...)
Is my online "relationship" ok?
Q. I am 28, single and have been emailing a guy in the USA who I "met" through an internet chat room a few months ago. We don't talk sexually at all, we talk intelligently about all kinds of things, but mainly about life, our thoughts and feelings ...
A. 18 June 2005: In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with two adults doing whatever they like, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. So if you two really groove on the emails and it makes you happy to just be grooving on the emails and he feels the same way, by all ... (read in full...)
After she told me that we have sex "wrong", I was at a total loss...
Q. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. Recently though, she has told me that I have sex wrong. Maybe not "wrong" but that it's just sex to me. I love the girl to death. To be honest, I feel I love her more than she me, but this is ...
A. 18 June 2005: You say you "love the girl to death" but I'm wondering: if you've been going out for two years and she doesn't feel like you two are connecting during sex while you think the sex is awesome, how exactly is this profound love manifesting itself?
... (read in full...)
My girl's dad found out some of my history as a stupid kid, and now he won't let me see his daughter!
Q. Guys or Girls, I really need your help on this one because my life depends on it. You may ask well how can a problem with your girlfriend effect your life? Well it's because my girlfriend is my life ya see. Before her I was a lonely "boy". I didn't...
A. 18 June 2005: Congratulations on having met a lovely girl who sees the real you. Finding someone who truly loves you is the most wonderful feeling in the world.
Now...
Without knowing the age of the players and what nefarious deeds you perpetrated in y... (read in full...)
Sex will get boring if we don't try new things, he says. But what new things?
Q. I think I'll never be good in bed.My boyfriend says to me that I have to make new things and If I don't it will be boring but I don't know what to do.what new can i make.something sexy?I get really confused every time that we have sex,his words ...
A. 16 June 2005: Well, your boyfriend is right--over the long haul especially, variety keeps things interesting.
Since it sounds like your difficulty isn't that you're not game, just inexperienced, why not put the ball back in his court? As in, "Gee, honey! T... (read in full...)
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