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female
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*onest&devoted
writes: I found out a week ago that my boyfriend of almost three years cheated on me for the second time. I literally had to force the answer out of him even though I had asked him many times before. He has been lying to me for months. We are still together but I cannot get images of him and that girl out of my mind.I am 21 and have never cheated on him. I have devoted so much to our relationship. I do not understand how he could cheat on me a second time.I sometimes feel like I need to start all over by myself but apart from this , we seem to have an almost perfect relationship. We study together and our families are thrilled to know that we are together. What do you think? I need your objective and honest response. I don't think I am seeing things clearly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Yeah she is right. Just keep your head up and stay strong girl. That happened to me before and i didnt know what to do but i just left him and everything was alright after that. I didnt wanna leave him but that what was right for me, and i believe you should do the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Trufully, if you're still with him after him cheating on you then you need your head checked. From my experence once a cheater always a cheater. All I know is if my boyfriend cheated on me once his butt would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Yes, I'm also like you and i couldn't picture life with out him but I wouldn't to be hurt again. And I am going to give you some advice, follow your heart and don't stray from what you think is right.
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A
female
reader, soontobesingle +, writes (2 September 2006):
I am in a LTR, and at the end of the line. I don't think i can take any more of the lying, cheating, missing money, and parental sabotage. It seems now that he must know the end is near, and he is tying now to buy my kids love. The money is flying out of his wallet at record speed- anything the kids ask for is theirs, with me being the "bad" guy trying to restain the endless, unnecessary, and over the top spending. He is no longer married, and has not been for quite some time. Not financially, not emotionally; and not sexually. I have been ignorned when big decisions need be made for my teens, and my opinion matters none.He keeps telling me that it is my fault, and that after all these years, how can I break up our happy family?I need to leave this controller, and cheater, so that my daughter doesn't grow up thinking it's OK for her husband to cheat, lie, and do basically anything he wants, without consequence. My kids will be sad, yes. But I know in the end they will know that I had no choice. Nobody should have to put up with this. It's abuse, and kids need to see that it's not OK.
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A
female
reader, soontobesingle +, writes (2 September 2006):
I am in a LTR, and at the end of the line. I don't think i can take any more of the lying, cheating, missing money, and parental sabotage. It seems now that he must know the end is near, and he is tying now to buy my kids love. The money is flying out of his wallet at record speed- anything the kids ask for is theirs, with me being the "bad" guy trying to restain the endless, unnecessary, and over the top spending. He is no longer married, and has not been for quite some time. Not financially, not emotionally; and not sexually. I have been ignorned when big decisions need be made for my teens, and my opinion matters none.He keeps telling me that it is my fault, and that after all these years, how can I break up our happy family?I need to leave this controller, and cheater, so that my daughter doesn't grow up thinking it's OK for her husband to cheat, lie, and do basically anything he wants, without consequence. My kids will be sad, yes. But I know in the end they will know that I had no choice. Nobody should have to put up with this. It's abuse, and kids need to see that it's not OK.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2005): Well thank you all for your responses. It is now Novemeber. I stayed with him but guess what he cheated again.
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A
female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
Assuming your b/f is the same age, you have been in a commited relationship since your teens. MAybe you both need time to grow and find out who you both are. Your partner may feel like he has grown up too soon and is rebelling by cheating.
I feel that maybe you need some time apart to assess your feelings. Go out and have some fun, then decide if you are ready for such a serious relationship at this stage of your lives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2005): While I feel sorry for what you are going through, I have to be blunt with you. Three questions to you are: 1) Why do you want a steady diet of this? 2) Why do you keep going back for more? 3) What more does he have to do before you get the message that all you're in for is long term pain? You likely are claiming you put up with this because you really love him. What's there to love? Really, if he's blatantly cheating and lying to you..what's there to love?
The entire time you've been involved with him romantically you've likely played it straight with him. You've been honest, up front, caring, and giving. You've given him everything he wanted. You haven't lied to him or cheated on him. So why, does he not do the same for you? Really, ask yourself that. Do you really believe his behavior will change? Just because you want him to? Just because, by your value system, he's supposed to?
What is a healthy, successful realtionship based on? Mutual respect, honesty, communication and trust. Without all four of those ingredients a relationships can not last. And he didn't strike out in one area, he struck out in all four. He is a classic Taker. He's selfish and self centered. He lies and cheats. Yet you keep going back for more and tolerating it. Changing him into what you want, making him love you and play by your value system is what you really want from him. Let me set your mind at ease. And let me tell this to you as gently as I can: it's impossible, hun. You likely will say you're in love with this man. What, specifically, are you in love with? The way he treats you? The way he lies to you? And by staying involved with him, this is what you're asking for in a long term relationship with him. You can moan and complain to him about his behavior all you want. The bottom line is YOU are putting up with it.
Whether you realize it or not, he's really doing you a favor because he is giving you a taste of what to expect in the long run. And if you think this pain is bad, it's just the beginning. The real nightmare will begin after you get married to him or live with him in a committed relationship (on your part, not his). Then you'll be forced to wake up and look at reality. It won't be pretty. At what point will you give up? That depends on how much pain you have to go through before you decide to learn the lesson.
Based on his behavior, your boyfriend's philosophy is that women are to be used and strung along until there's nothing left to take, then dropped. Is this the part you're in love with? I don't think so. Rather, you're in love with the emotional stroking he gives you when he wants something, if he even does that?!
His attitude and behavior will not change.The only two things that will change are it will hurt more because you're playing by the rules and he isn't. What puzzles me is why you still want a steady diet of this. And you must want it because you keep tolerating it. (he's cheated TWICE and he likely will do it again)
Take away the great sex and the emotional pleasure and what's there to love? How can you respect him? and respect yourself? The bottom line in any relationship is respect. If you don't have mutual respect there is no relationship, only varying degrees of abuse. So what do you do? You have a choice to make. If you want you can continue with a steady diet of this abuse indefinitely. Or.... you can reclaim your self respect, walk away with your integrity intact, and find someone who can appreciate what you have to offer. Life is too short to settle for this kind of abuse. Please choose wisely.
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A
female
reader, purpleflyingmonkey +, writes (7 August 2005):
Listen girl if he cheated on you hes not worth your time or tears. If cheated on you once more then likely he'll do it again. Just end it with him and move on with your life. It might be hard at first but I know you can do it. It sounds like you have a good heart. Do not I repeat Do not fall for that "I'm sorry. I won't do it again" act. He will do it again and your heart will be the one paying for it. Good Luck and remember don't always use your heart use your head some times.
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A
female
reader, bigsister +, writes (7 August 2005):
Lying and cheating are never good things for a relationship. I'll bet you will soon find a guy who is worth your love and devotion after taking a little time for yourself. I wouldn't start dating right away, maybe just hanging out with friends for awhile. You deserve better than this.
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A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (7 August 2005):
 Lying and cheating are not small things; they're an attack on the foundation of trust and honesty that all good relationships are built upon. It may seem that since the lying and cheating has "only" happened twice (that you know of) in three years, it's a small thing; it's not. Try replacing "except for the lying and cheating" with "except for the way he beats me" or "except for the way he drinks 'til he passes out every night" or "except for the way he makes me feel like a piece of human garbage" and you'll get the idea. (And as for the families being so into it, I doubt they'd be as thrilled if they knew about the cheating!)
It's nice that you get along in other ways, but that's just not enough—at least, not for you. If you were the kind of person who didn't mind being in an open relationship, maybe it would be, but you're not. You're a one-person person. That's fine. That's excellent. That's what YOU want, but not, apparently, what he wants. So, despite some external signs to the contrary, he's probably not really the guy for you.
The good news is, you're young and more resilient than you know. It's actually a good thing to get a little more experience under your belt before you settle down.
Leave him, spend some time by yourself and figure out exactly what it is you want in a partner and a relationship. You'll stand a much better chance of finding them both.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (7 August 2005):
 Okay let us examine the facts. Not the first time he has cheated, he lied to you several times before you dragged it out of him....and you never cheated on him before. Exactly what are you missing. Honey , once is a mistake, twice ....you are making a habit out of it..three strikes you are out. Save yourself the trauma for the third time and give him an early dismissal. I know you love him and all the time and effort and everything you have put in this relationship...but he is not doing that for you. Relationships are never perfect....don't forget that. And when they are going well...there is no need to cheat cause no one is lacking anything. Don't let him do this to you a third time ok sweetie. You deserve so much more than this as a woman who is honest and kind. Take care of you and show him what he is losing...smile....take care...ana
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