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Would a single man of 45 who has never settled down give up his 'freedom' now?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hello and Thank you for reading. My question is about men/a man and I'd appreciate hearing from the male perspective as well as females.

If a man is single at age 45 and has never felt ready to settle down but is now kind of shifting in that direction but not quite there and he meets a woman he really likes, would he give up his freedom for 'the one' or still hang onto it?

There seem to be many theories around. Some say yep he will give up his freedom for the one, others say no not necessarily but he will keep her as friends etc until he is ready and that in any case it depends on the individual?

I really like a man who is 45 and still not quite ready to settle down and we are kind of on-off but he said he has a beautiful time with me, enjoys talking to me and he obviously is very physically attracted to me and he wants to keep in touch and see each other but is not actually making a commitment. Ii have also pushed him a bit and he responded by backing off somewhat but still wants to be in touch regularly and see each other as and when we can. We live about 3 hours travel apart if that helps.

Any thoughts would be welcomed! Thanks Beth.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (2 April 2015):

Dear OP,

I believe all sorts of people exist, so of course there are men who would be ready to finally settle down at 45.

But, I agree with Cindycares, this one doesn't sound as if he's ready to settle down with you.

If someone says things should develop naturally.. yes, I agree. But most of the time that's just a euphemism for "this is not going anywhere anytime soon". My experience is that when a man is in love with you, he doesn't want "natural" development of things, he doesn't want to take it slow. He wants you and will show it.

My advice would be not to push any further, if you want to have the slightest chance with him, rather pull back. Maybe, if he realises that he misses you when you're less available, he will realise that he wants you in his life.

Of course, this also means that you will travel less often to him, have less sex with him, call and text less. He needs to CRAVE you.

When a man feels pressure to commit, that provokes him to resist and break free. When a man painfully misses company, your company, when he realises how much better his life is when you're around, then that might awake the wish to commit. But also, maybe not.

Still, NOT pushing is your biggest chance at a relationship, if you ask me. Be as cool and independent as possible, so he doesn't feel the least bit "trapped".

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 April 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt I've got male relatives who got married later in life, so it's not necessarily true that if a man has not settled down by 35 ,he'll never ever do it.

But, that's the thing wth older gentlemen, in general- they moment they do decide, they moment they do feel ready to settle ... they 'll show it and say it very clearly. There's no holding them back- wild horses would not drag them away from their determination. Probably it's because they know that obviously they have less year at their disposal than a 30 y.o. guy, to live in domestic bliss, or because they fear their pool of choices is shrinking if they let the intended get away.. or for whatever reason, if they mean to commit ( and of they mean to commit to YOU ) you do not have to wonder and guess and wait, in fact you mght have to try and pull the brakes on them .

It sounds to me that this guy , although he may not be totally adverse to settling down with " the one " ( who knows ... ), is adverse to settling down with you, or, in other words, he does not see you as " the one ". He sees you as good company, and an attractive and sexy lady , etc. but, I think that he likes what he has now and he is not looking forward to make changes .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

Thanks for the answers. He says our relationship should develop naturally and he doesn't want to lose me. He says pushing/rushing it will cause tension. We've both been hurt before and are both a bit wary. I just worry that he will meet someone else but I suppose that's my insecurity. Thank you .

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony aunthe's happy where it is now... he's made that clear.

so will THIS guy change at 45 probably not.

Do men at 45 or so change from bachelor to happily married man... sure

i know of three stories

one guy bachelor till 45.. met a girl married her within the year

another guy... met his now wife 4 years ago or so and married her 2 years ago is going to be 55 this year... they live 2 hours apart and when he retires in August he's moving down to be with her.

he is blissful

my husband met me at age 37... married me at age 39. we were LDR the first year.

yes it happens.

do I think it's happening here... depends on how long you have been together and what he does to keep you around. if over a year probably not.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes being single isn't a choice. I think he just likes what you share just as it is.

Judging by sexist-opinions; single-men in their 40's should be placed in a category of unscrupulous carefree over-aged adolescents. The question you're asking is usually based on very negative sexist attitudes towards men.

He has his own reasons, his own degree of interest in you, and he may very well be ready to settle-down; but perhaps not with you.

Most men are ready to settle-down by their 30's. We're just speaking in averages. It isn't fair to form negative opinions about men who don't; because male or female, each individual has a right to decide what age they'd like to settle-down. Life may not have presented their opportunity to make that choice within the time-lines acceptable to society. They may have difficulty finding the right mate; so remaining single is the wise thing to do.

Some guys are very picky. Some have set career goals that may not allow them all the time they'd like to pursue a mate; so they stick to what makes them happy otherwise.

Some guys are simply not cut-out for marriage, and would be doing women a favor by remaining single. Judging by a series of failed relationships in his life-time; he may be hesitant to impose himself on some woman who deserves better.

You're in the 21st century now; so you don't stereotype men based on archaic standards, ridiculous notions, and old-fashioned values.

The answer to your question should come from the man you are referring to in your post.

If you feel he's wasting your time or leading you on; it's your option to send him walking.

If you want to know if he "should" be ready to settle-down? That is a matter of opinion. To over-generalize would be as insulting and presumptuous as to believe a woman should be married by 25, and she should have children before she's 30.

If only life was so cut and dry.

He's an individual, and pretty much has to speak for himself.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think he is QUITE happy with status quo. Which is... he can STILL do as he pleases but also see you when he FEELS like it.

Honestly, reading your post I see NO indications that he is interested in more then what you two have now.

Will he give up his "freedom" who knows. It MIGHT be that he will for someone, but he isn't going to do it for you.

My guess? If this guy got sick or had a scare (now I don't mean to say that you need to make him sick or anything!! FAR from it) But this is really the only scenario I can see he could decide NOT to want to be alone, but other then that? THIS guy is HAPPY JUST the way things are.

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