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How do I live with the man and woman who were in a relationship behind my back?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, *ove_novice writes:

About a month ago the guy I was seeing broke it off with me. We had been friends for around six months before finally getting together and currently live together in the accomodation at our university. We were very happy and very close. He was also very friendly with another girl in our accommodation but he insisted that it was purely platonic and he thought it was very cute that I was a little jealous. It wasn't that I was threatened by her (she is not particularly beautiful) in fact my boyfriend and I often joked about her appearance and how she clearly had feelings for my boyfriend. But he still insisted she was more like a sister.

Over the Christmas break my boyfriend and I got really close and we were very happy but we decided not to tell this girl. She saw us kissing in a nightclub and started to cry. Next day I recieve a message from my be saying we are hurting too many people. I get a little upset but reluctantly agree. We see each other again at new year and nothing has changed. We spend a few romantic days together and all is forgotten . I take time away to study for exams at home while he and this other girl (along with others) stay at university. I come back excited to see my man who seems to be avoiding me. He then tells me he doesn't want anything serious and I agree. Then he accuses me of using him out of the blue, he tells me I'm sexually frustrated and that I was only ever with him because it was convenient. He also says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

Two weeks later I find out he is in a relationship with this other girl and he has in fact been seeing her since the previous November. I got very angry with him and had to sleep over at my friends house as I couldn't even be in the same house as him.

What I want to know is how to move on from this. I have Slept with two guys since but I can't get him out of my head. How do I live with the man and woman who were in a relationship behind my back? I feel so uncomfortable being around them, especially since they are serious and have just booked a holiday for the summer. How can I live with them?

View related questions: christmas, jealous, kissing, move on, sexually frustrated, university

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI too would find a new place to live.

and I'd make sure that the GF knows he lied to you about being with her. Not that I normally would say that but he's a piece of work who thinks he can get away with murder.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

1. We're now in April - 2 months before you finish this year. Stay where you are and move during summer holidays. For now, you have plenty of coursework and studying to keep you occupied. Join socieities, meet new people. Study in the library. You don't have to see them that much.

2. Don't be bitchy -'she is not particularly beautiful'. It's uncalled for and rather unbecoming of a self respecting young woman. Heaven forbid you're in an accident and people dismissed what you have to offer the world because you're not particularly beautiful. 'my boyfriend and I often joked about her appearance and how she clearly had feelings for my boyfriend' They are probably doing the same to you now and it doesn't feel good when the shoe is on the other foot does it? Be gracious and carry yourself with some dignity. They probably won't last because he sounds like an immature twat and she must be quite desperate to date someone who was obviously two timing her.

Forget about them and focus on your future. He hurt you, he lied etc. Be angry, be disgusted, disappointed or whatever else you want but be HAPPY that you didn't waste years with him. He is not good boyfriend material!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

Ah, the little s**t.

Sorry, there is no better word for him. He might (in time) mature and start to act more decent (though I doubt it), however for now he wants his cake... Or two pieces of it.

Tell you what, do you know the saying : "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"?

I'd normally never advise revenge but this was just meant for it,man.

You are in a position to and you can do it. I don't mean horrible things, no,no,no, BUT they (or actually HE) are making life living hell for you.

Why not return the favour?

Say he said mean things about his now gf and mocked her appearance (I bet you anything he treats her badly too! he made her cry and he did not care!) SO if you have any TEXTS where he says that why don't you show them to said girl? So that she can get rid of his sorry ass too.

I'd love to think you can then team up on him and make HIS life so miserable that HE HAS TO LEAVE the house,not you.

Think of ways in which you can achieve that.

Yes,it's not right,but it is satisfying plus as long as you don't do anything physical I do NOT see why you should not make his life UNCOMFORTABLE. He needs to learn sometime,somewhere that he can't treat people like shit and expect NO CONSEQUENCES.

Make him feel guilty non-stop, throw in little remarks here and there, using his own words against him.

HE SHOULD feel guilty (though obviously he hasn't shown a morsel of consciousness so far,but hey,hope dies last).

ps: Please do NOT judge people only based on looks. It's incredibly shallow. How would you like it if someone did that to YOU? Guys don't cheat based on attractiveness levels. They cheat coz they want to. Anyone willing will do.

Plus, who knows what type of horses**t he actually told her?Maybe she thought she was his gf too (and probably was)??? Maybe she is a nice girl and he said lots of bad things about you to her (to throw HER of HIS tracks)???

Oh,and stop sleeping with the other guys-my hunch is your ego and self-esteem has been hurt by this idiot (of him choosing somebody LESS attractive than you in your own estimation) and now you're seeking other men's approval just to prove to yourself "you've still got it".

Don't worry, you do. If you want a relationship though, seek that. (coz it does sound like you're jealous that he is "serious" with her) Don't be. What "prize" has she won??

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWow.... First thing I'd do? FIND a new place to live. YOU DO NOT have to stay there, I'm sure there are ways to get out of THAT arrangement. And then CUT the contact with this guy.

Funny how he says YOU were just using him for sex.... when in fact HE was the one using you (and the other girl no doubt) for sex. I BET you JUST like he told YOU not to say anything about your "relationship" he told HER the same. He probably made YOU out to be the villain in all this and the other girl is naive enough to believe him.

And then FOCUS on your studies, you are at UNI to study anyways, MAKE the best of that. DON'T LET some sleazy dude make you either drop out of fail exams/projects. HE isn't worth it.

My advice? Don't go sleep with other guys to try and make yourself feel better, it's not going to work. Throw yourself into your studies, making new friend, see the sights or whatever to keep you out of the place till you can move out.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

Well, now you know you've been played. Who's idea was it not to tell the other girl about what was going on between you and the guy? Let me guess. Was it his? Why wouldn't you tell her if he was your boyfriend? Somehow I don't think he was official. I think you're calling him your boyfriend, but it was a lot more casual than you're letting on.

In fact, the guy played you both. Now find new living accommodations; or just deal with the fact they're a couple until it is convenient for you to move. I don't understand why it was necessary for you two to hide what you were doing behind her back.

Well, the whole plan backfired.

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (31 March 2015):

I couldn't tolerate this either. I'd have gone to pieces if it happened to me.

I would either move accommodation - even if that meant having to shell out more money. Or I'd speak to my tutor about taking the rest of the year off from my studies for personal reasons.

Any reason why you can't move out?? Have you been in touch with the University Health Service for some counselling and possibly some practical advice too?

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