A
female
age
36-40,
*ose26
writes:Hi everyone, I have a question regarding my boyfriend's taste in porn. We have been together for over three years, and ever since the beginning of the relationship I knew he watched porn, and I didn't have a problem with it whatsoever. He was honest about it, and we didn't see each other anymore than twice a week due to travelling etc, so it was inevitable. Things did start to concern me a little though when he showed me a video one day of what he said was beautiful and his favourite video - showed a girl performing deepthroat to the point where she was gagging. I thought, a little extreme, but ok well each to their own. However, I noticed that his porn usage was becoming more and more frequent and extreme - searching for things like 'gagging' 'crying' (because he liked the way a girls mascara ran when she was doing deepthroat), 'choking' (again to do with deepthroat), and watching girls being sick because they were choking so much, and BDSM videos. I expressed my concerns, and asked him if he could cut down a bit and maybe not watch so much hardcore. Part of the reason for this was also because he struggled to get a full erection a lot of the time ever since the beginning of our relationship. He said he would, but of course he hadn't and was still watching the same after promising three times he wouldn't. In the end, I said to him I was leaving him because i couldn't take the lies or the fact that he used to make a joke out of my worries - playing on the fact that I felt it was degrading. When I threatened to leave, he said he would stop porn completely, as he agreed that it was a bit extreme, but liked it because the girl was up for doing anything for the man's pleasure. Anyway, as you can probably guess I found out he was watching it again, but also other things like drunk girls, a rape scene (not real, acted), latex, all sorts really, as well as just normal run of the mill porn. We spoke about it again, I felt hurt that he had lied about it. Somehow we managed to sort it out and he said he felt restricted not being able to watch it at all. I loved him, we reached a compromise that he would watch porn, but none of the rubbish he was looking at before, and that I could look at what he had viewed at anytime. I don't even know why I thought that he would stick to this given the past, but I was willing to give it a try. I had no intention really of checking up on him, as I firmly believed that knowing I could at anytime would deter him from going back to old habits. However, about 7 months down the line I just had this instinct that something wasn't right and I asked if I could go on and he refused saying he had a right to privacy. I let it go, but noticed that whenever he went on the laptop whilst I was there he history was deleted - again, I just thought he wants his privacy, and if I ever asked what he was looking at he would say I don't even watch it that much I'm so tired these days from work, which was true. However, a few weeks ago we were with his mate and he went to mention a porn site to him then realised I was there and immediately stopped and seemed all scatty. I questioned him about it, and he got angry with me. I knew from his reaction he was hiding something from me, eventually he told me the site but said I was being paranoid it was just normal things, and sarcastically said oh I'm watching rough and painful porn, i like it when the guy just shoves it in. After a massive argument about it, he admitted that he had watched a bit of rough porn but only a bit, and it was just like normal porn anyway. The next week when I went to his house, I did look at his history and what I found shocked me. He had been looking at loads of rough porn, painful sex with girls crying, prostitutes, pregnant women, gangbangs, grandpa, grandma etc as well as again normal things like secretary's, milfs etc. He is saying that these girls choose to do porn and do these videos, which is true in some cases, but that doesn't concern me - why he is looking at women acting or actually being in pain is so worrying. He says he would never do that to me, and his excuse is that it's just porn, however sex does seem to be a lot about him and him getting off, and he does get a bit aggressive with me sometimes. I feel really betrayed, because we had reached what I thought was a fair compromise, he has lied again and it seems like he never had any intention of stopping. I have said I am leaving for good now, to which he said that he wants to go and see a therapist with me - I agreed, now couple of days later he is saying he wants to see if he can stop first. He doesn't seem to get that what he watches isn't normal, and he doesn't understand why I'm upset because he's not hurting me. Does my boyfriend have a porn problem or is he just that way inclined. I am so confused, and starting to feel like it's me who is close minded and over reacting. Sorry that it's such a long question, I just thought I would spend the rest of my life with this guy, I would really appreciate some outside thoughts. Please help!
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female
reader, Roxalicious  +, writes (28 March 2013):
Hi, sorry this is affecting you negatively. As a woman with a similar problem to your boyfriend's, I need to put my 2 cents in:Firstly, not all women find rough sex degrading. Not all women dislike deep throat. Personally nothing gets me off more than feeling as though all my senses and my whole body is being taken over by his 'member' deep in my throat. It turns me on so much that this act alone makes me orgasm over and over again. My eyes do water but that is a natural bodily reaction. I also like when the mascara runs and it gets really messy, it just means you are both completely into what you are doing and to hell with appearances. I also like to watch rough porn. I think it is something about feeling afraid at first but then realizing you love it and becoming a willing participant. It is a very common fantasy amongst healthy women I hear. I'm in a loving relationship. My bf and I were worried when we first fell into this kind of play, but we both feel good. Psychologically we likely do both have issues from our past relating to sex. But in a way this kind of play is almost like changing the outcome of a bad experience and making it beautiful. We don’t spend much time kissing during sex but we kiss and hug a lot afterwards. We have discussed the fact that we probably have some kind of sex addiction and should always make sure to do lots on non- sexual things together too. We are also aware that 'where do we go from here' can happen to us. What if we get bored of this, then what? Will we progress to cheating and orgies to get the same thrill after this wears off? Time will tell. We are seeking therapy but I can honestly say that once you develop a taste for something sexually it is very difficult to regress. Some describe sexual sado-masochists as having a sexual orientation just like gay people, that they cannot change. There is also the school of thought that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help to stop your brain associating pleasure (=orgasm) with specific acts. This is because our brains are instantly taken back to the sensation we felt when we watched or experienced something before. I also agree with some of the other posters here. There is such a thing as porn addiction and sex addiction. Your boyfriend does have an issue with this to a degree, and addictions cannot just be ‘controlled’, you can’t. The more he stops doing it (to please you) the more he will be thinking about it and if he really stops he will binge with it later. The only way to stop doing it would be with specialist help like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and possibly also understanding if any events of his past have led him this way. But if sexual orientation is something you can’t govern just like being gay, then this would be torturous for him.The other option is to consider trying some of the things he likes to watch and compromising. If you can share some of these things together it will draw you much closer. Take it very slowly and lovingly and it is not painful. And, if you feel loved and secure in yourself and your relationship, you will know his intention isn’t to humiliate you or make you feel bad. Men love to feel powerful and in control, and you can see it as a game. An explosion of the senses, a game with a hint of danger (that is thrilling) but in the arms of the man who loves you and believe me if you learnt and liked something like deep throat he will love you forever and treat you like a queen, as my boyfriend does with me. All the best X
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (28 July 2012):
I'm very open and understanding when it comes to porn, but there's a line. Like others pointed out, the fact he gets off watching girls who are obviously NOT enjoying themselves is a red flag. Him downplaying the worries you have is bad too.
Also, this: "he liked it because the girl was up for doing anything for the man's pleasure," is a huge red flag.
OP, everything points to this guy being very selfish and more than a little disturbing. My rule of the thumb with porn is that the people in it need to look of age and both look like they're enjoying what they're doing.
There's a lot of disturbing stuff out there, which will only be found if you look for it. Your bf is looking for it, which means that somewhere deep down he thinks it's okay to like it.
Add to that the lies he's been feeding you, I think it's time to end this relationship. He will never quit, OP. He's proven that he won't. Don't be so understanding and accepting. A relationship is about compromise. Seems to me like he's only looking out for himself. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): Hello i've read your problem and I'm sorry :( but sometimes guys will be guys.If you love him try and do an intervention my boyfriend is into such things gore, etc and I'm working with him it's hard and he even said it is that he hates that he likes things like that and that he wants to change. It's an addiction it's NOT his fault love try and help him get over it best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): The trouble with porn... "oh it's nothing" YEAH RIGHT.
The more they watch the more sick and twisted they become and the more gross and demented things they "need" to watch in order to "get off".
Vomiting? Really? That's a turn on?
YOU NEED TO DUMP HIS SICK ASS AND MOVE ON.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I'm a guy and think it does matter what type of content someone watches. Many will say it's just an individual's personal taste and it's fantasy, so as long as they're not acting it out it doesn't matter at all. Sorry but if you can only get off on watching others suffer or be violated and degraded, there is something wrong.Is someone seriously comparing violent porn to "murder" shows like CSI? The message of those shows is not that murder is ok, and they don't present murder as something to be enjoyed. Murder is shown in its proper context, as a terrible crime that society must guard against. The murderers are usually brought to justice. The porn equivalent of that would just show killing in slow, brutal detail, without message or context. It would focus on gore and suffering with no repercussions for the murderer.If the fact that something is fantasy makes it not matter, then where do you draw the line? Might as well allow simulated child porn, beastiality, torture, and everything else you can think of. It's delusional to think that watching stuff like that day after day, year after year will have no effect on the psyche.Watching rape videos won't make you a rapist. But they will make you a person who enjoys watching others being raped. To me that's bad enough.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 February 2012):
 OP - you have to do what feels right for you.
I am not a fan of porn either. I do NOT believe it's harmless fun or to be compared to a good book.
Go with your gut.
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A
female
reader, Rose26 +, writes (29 February 2012):
Rose26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReader anon, unfortunately relationships aren't all about what the one person wants. You are never going to find a person who completely shares your views and likes on everything - i was honest enough to say that I didn't like it, and I am entitled to dislike it if i choose. chose to leave him to begin with as I could see it was part of his character, and he was the one who promised to change. He is the one being selfish, expecting me to change my beliefs to accommodate his. As part of the compromise, I agreed to try a few things with him as he said he felt that it was just curiosity. As for saying the actresses choose to do this porn, this is not true. Yes some do I agree, but other are forced into it for varying reasons. If you had read my question properly, I DID choose to stay with him when it was just about the deepthroat, but watching a girl in act or actually be in pain is a different story altogether. As I mentioned, recently he seems to ave changed his behaviour, and knows I am uncomfortable with it but rubs it in my face.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Think of it like this, he is ok with you reading books but decides your interests are too extreme for him. So he asks you to stop reading the books you are reading and threatens to leave you if you dont because he feels they are distasteful and disturbing. How would you feel? Yes porn is about sex, which is very intimate but still its the same principle. Porn is a great way to enjoy fantasies that would never be realistic to enjoy in real life. He likes mascara running down a girls throat and deep throat? So what? BDSM can be a bit strange but again, the people doing it are getting paid and ok with it, no one is getting hurt and those girls clearly dont mind being degraded. He isn't trying to force you into doing that stuff yourself but simply watching it on a screen in his personal time. There is nothing wrong with that. It doesnt mean he is a bad person. For perspective, I enjoy that type of stuff myself occasionally. I work a good job, spend a lot of time with my little brothers and family, and go out of my way to do nice things for people whenever I can. I am a good person and just because I like to watch kinky porn, much like your boyfriend, does not imply more about his character like you are afraid it might. You say he is a loving caring person, so understand he is a multifaceted individual who may have varying interests that dont necessarily mean anything.You should take a step back and make up your mind to let him watch whatever kind of porn he likes and if it bothers you, dont look into it. You are being extremely unfair asking him to change what he personally enjoys when he was honest enough to share it with you. It is VERY hard to convince a guy to share his intimate side because women like you cant handle when a guy likes rough sex on the tv screen. Does watching CSI or other murder shows make you a bad person, no. Same thing. Your ultimatums are only hurting your relationship. He should NOT lie but you are not giving him much choice. He clearly wants to keep you and you are making him feel ashamed of something private that he was clearly better off to not share. If he is a good person then why cant you be one too and get off his back?You are putting him through hell for no reason and I don't think he should try to "fix" himself for there is nothing wrong with him. YOU need to become more accepting or find a different guy. You cant change what he likes and if you cant accept it and he stays with you, he will live fighting with himself and feeling dirty and ashamed. He doesnt deserve that. Let it go or let him go.I am sorry to be so harsh but I have had partners similar to you in this regard. His taste in porn is no different than many, many, MANY men out there. Most men dont beat women or rape them or force rough sex on them so dont treat him like a bad person. Be the better person yourself.
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A
female
reader, Rose26 +, writes (28 February 2012):
Rose26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you everyone for your replies. It is such a hard decision to make, especially when he is generally a loving, caring person. However, it worries me as to what extreme lengths he will go to next, and I have started to notice a change in his behaviour towards me and towards sex. I have spoken to him again and expressed that judging the fact that he has always gone back to it, I can't just accept his word that he will "try to sort it out himself first". He may be telling the truth this time, however it's like the boy who cried wolf. I have said that he perhaps needs some help, and that I cannot stay with him if he doesn't. He is saying that I've got to have it all my way, and that I am the one who is throwing it all away, not him. I don't know why he even bothered to suggest that he go to a therapist if he had no intention to. I feel like I've got no choice but to finish it now, it is heart breaking, but the lies and disrespect are just as bad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): you strike me as being reasonable.you state you have no problem with him watching porn and this has been understood since you began your relationship.at some point you have had concerns about the quantity and nature of what he is watching and have discussed it with him and together you reached a compromise.from what you have written it appears that he is unwilling to compromise even though it has previously jeopodized the relationship.you write that he has recently been justifying his behaviour by belittling your concerns and generally claiming you are infringing his rights. that's all well and good, but it's not just about him, you are a couple and as such you did the right thing and communicated with each other and reached a compromise/agreement, but he does not want to change his behaviour.personally i do believe he can change his behaviour but only if he feels that you are worth more to him than the endless search for more and more extreme material to masturbate to. you know that you have to consider yourself worthy of a partner who can do that for you. after all you have agreed that he is free to watch porn of a less offensive nature to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 February 2012):
 HE doesn't have a "porn problem"... but YOU DO!!!!
YOUR "porn problem" is that the porn which your "B/F" watches gives you a glimpse of what is really going on in his head..... AND, you find that (what's going on) to be offensive (not to mention that it is totally myoganistic!!)...
SOOOOooo, now you've had a "preview" of what things might be like spending time with this "B/F".... since he's "tipped his hand" about things that he likes.... AND how he values (or DOESN'T value) women....
What more information do you need to determine that this is not the guy for you?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Leave him. He's had several chances to reform and he failed every one. Given what he watches, he is so far away from being able to quit porn completely, and so far removed from a healthy and loving sexuality. How about a trial separation, at the very least? That might make him wake up and realize his porn habits truly are jeopardizing his relationship. If you spend the rest of your life with him, chances are his violent, degrading smut will be with you for the rest of your life too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 He has an erection problem and he wants to find a thing that works because he thinks he is too young to take viagara. If sex is still not satisfying, it means that rough porn didn't work for him. But porn has become a habit and a distraction to his real life problem. It's good that he agreed to see a therapist. Let's see if he follows through. You could discover some psychological blocks, or an actual health problem which could be improved through diet.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 February 2012):
Sounds like he has a porn addiction. The fact that the porn went from soft core to hardcore degrading stuff, might be WHY he has problems getting it up/keeping it up. Because he thinks that what he sees in porn is "real" and how it "should" be with you.
Personally, I would end it. He is not going to stop watching it or stop lying about it.
Porn is not "just" porn and many of the women doing them are not at all enjoying a darn thing you see. For some it's all they thing they "can".
Your BF view of women (porn stars or not) is rather disturbing.
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