A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now. After several weeks of dating she left for winter break. At some point over the break she told me she had a confession - she was a smoker but was trying to quit. I am staunchly opposed to smoking and will not put up with it in a relationship and I told her as much; that is was a deal breaker for me. She said she was done with it for good. Yay! On New Year's she went to a party, got drunk, and smoked. I found out that she was smoking by seeing a picture of her on facebook. She never mentioned a word to me about it. I confronted her about it and made it exactly clear that I would not tolerate smoking in a relationship. She said she was done for good for real this time.Also, over break she went on a family trip to the Caribbean. We talked a lot online while she was there and I couldn't wait to see her. Fast forward about two months to my birthday night... After our private celebration I was looking at the pictures from the evening on her camera. The last pictures before my birthday pictures were from the Caribbean and I started to look through them because I hadn't seen them before. Guess who came along on that trip? Her ex boyfriend. She never mentioned that to me before. I confronted her about this and she told me her parents invited him as a Christmas present (he is one of only a few employees of her dad) and that it was really annoying to have him around. Ok, fine, I just wish you had told me so I wouldn't find out from pictures and have to draw my own conclusions.After we finished that discussion I asked her if there was anything else that I should be made aware of? She said she had another confession. Her ex boyfriend still lives at her parents house with no plans of moving out (where she goes when not at school... all breaks, all summer, etc..). I thought this was strange, but I won't bore you with the details of the ensuing conversation.Just a couple more details -Fast forward a few more months, we are at a house party (rare for us)and as we are leaving people are smoking on the porch and she gets all excited - ooh free cigarettes!!! She didn't smoke one, but I am betting she would if I wasn't there!Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, we were out celebrating her birthday, having a few drinks and she asks if she can ask a question. Sure..? Can I smoke a cigarette? Me: Go ahead. Her: Really? But, I don't have one. Me: Yeah, go ahead. Her: You won't be mad? Me: You can do whatever you'd like. I can't stop you. If you want to smoke, smoke. I think that guy over there has some cigarettes. Her: Oh, you are already mad.Anyway, we had it out.. it was the worst fight we have ever had and I nearly broke up with her over it. I gave her the ultimatum, cigarettes, or me. She chose me. I can't help but wonder if it will just be like the other times though? She only "smokes when she is drunk", but apparently not being drunk is not an option either. Will she resent me for it? Will she do it behind my back? She has not had a cigarette for 9 months. Shouldn't the "addiction" be gone? Is this something that I am going to have to keep dealing with? She tries to protect people by not telling them the truth or at least the whole truth. For example, she still has not told her ex that she is dating someone else and asked me to hide when I was at her parents house and he was walking through the door. She said she didn't want it to be awkward for any of us. Can I trust her not to smoke when I am not around? I love her, but if it came down to the choice of her + cigarettes, or being single... I would be single. What should I do? I think I have trust issues from early in the relationship. It is easy to break, and very slow to regain. Again, what should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 I have to say that I hate cigarettes and make my in-laws smoke outside whatever the weather. Having mentioned that, I should add that I smoked in my teens and I know how hard it can be to stop. I also smoked 'socially' (i.e. beer in hand at the bar) until my early 30's...not a great deal - just the odd one here and there. My point is that smoking is as much a habit as an addiction to nicotine. It can be easy to fall off the non-smoking wagon when there are other smokers around who are encouraging you to smoke. So much easier to not smoke now that the Government have banned it in public places here in the UK!!!
I personally think I would reject a smoking partner nowadays and my neighbour is dying of lung cancer at the moment so that is a great advert not to smoke for anyone! I think that instead of demanding your girlfriend does not smoke, perhaps the supportive approach might work better. At the end of the day, what she does with her body when she is not around you (i.e. smoke) is up to her. Some might say that your demands are a bit too controlling, although I understand why you are anti-smoking. I think there are more problems in your relationship than the cigarettes...you are not sure about the ex for a start. You need to think hard about where this relationship is going because you seem to have doubts and seem to be willing to give her up for your health principles (that isn't all bad, but it shows that you are not exactly besotted with the girl).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Seriously dude will you cop on to yourself.
Be reasonable or if you are determind to be stubborn then do this girl a favour and break up with her. You do realise that you havent noticed this whilst you have been with her. So she smokes a little bit shes human, take a look around you she wasnt wrapped around some other guy.
Reality check.
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (13 August 2009):
 you made it clear you would not tolerate....? what is she a child? ok mr police man, you apparently love this Woman, yes? she was smoking before you got together, yes? so why in hell should it matter if she smokes or not? you want her to change who she was when you fell for her?.. why?? it shouldnt make any difference whatso ever! just because you dont like it doesnt make it rite for you to dictate to her. shes her own person with her own choices to make. You wouldnt appricate her taking away your rite to wipe your arse after a dump would you. sorry but grr. thats one of my pet hates!
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