A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 months now and our relationship is in a really bad place. i am recently graduated from college and she is in her final year. we met over the summer and fell in love and now that she is back in school two hours away we have broken up 3 times. most the fights are due to her lack of comunication which leads me to become controlling and wonder alot. we have always been different but thats what attracted us, i am more of a stay in and watch a movie and really just do anything i can with her i dont need much more. she likes to drink and party and all of her friends are the same, i guess this is due to the age difference i am 23 and she is 21 which seems little but at this age i have realized it huge. I call and her text and let her know how my day is or if i do go out with friends which is rare make sure she feels really good about it versus when she goes out which is 3 or 4 times a week my texts are normally ignored for 45 min to a hr and half assed responses. i do not trust her friends and how they party and cant help but to sit around and worry all night everytime she goes out. its just hard knowing what college is like being as i graduated a year ago but i am in a different point in my life now where drinking excessivley and going out all the time isnt important anymore. with all that said we are currently back together and she seems to be trying to make a better effort but its just clear that its really hard for her to make the effort its work not natural which makes me feel needy and pathetic really and leads to more fights. im sick of feeling this way but i do want to make it work i love her very much but maybe im in love with the relationship we had over the summer. i am clearly not happy and dont know what to do to feel better about her partying in college with out me and this feeling of jealously and neglect. she says my controlling behavior makes her want to block me out even more which then makes me even more upset. you see the trend here? i just want a simple phone call before she goes out to let me know whats going on and her plans and to maybe just maybe actually ask what i have going on and seem the least bit interested in anything besides herself and going out. i have pointed out all the negatives and the answer seems clear that i should move on but when it is just me and her and no one else no distractions i am the happiest i have ever been. i want that and to be happy with her. how do i get back to that? will she ever give me what i want and is what i want right? i do deserve better treatment than this? to finally break up for good or advice on how to make this work? i am willing to and want to make this work for good.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): I think should give a little back round info on myself. my father died as an alcholic and the drinking thing to me is viewed very differently than most. when i was 15 he passed with out seeing me grow up and go through high school and college and marry etc.. ever sense then i promised myself i would never get out of hand and became i controlling person from there i guess. I do not sit around by myself on a friday or saturday night texting and calling her i just would like to feel somewhat a part of her life and what she has going on that night and feel like she is interested in my life we are long distance so i think that it necessary. i keep myself busy with work, and i coach football, involved in all sorts of althetics and socialize with my guy friends. getting plastered in a college town where hooking up is the norm isnt what i do and if it was i would try to communicate even more with my partner. and in the beggining of this relationship she was the one smothering me and only wanting to spend time with me and would make me lie to my friends and make up some lame excuse why i couldnt hang out so that i could see her. i got so accustomed to that, that now i am in a atate of shock and cant understand why its so different. i guess the surroundings of college and that whole scene has changed her views.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
 The difference between 21 and 23 is not great. What's GREAT is that you have different styles.
LDRs are hard in general
LDRS when you are in college... I'm sorry I think they should be outlawed.
" my texts are normally ignored for 45 min to a hr and half"
honey TEXTING is not the way to have a relationship. MY texts are ignored 100% they are just a way to transmit info "home safe" afer a long car ride is acceptable. "how are you" is NOT a good text.. that's a phone call....
YOu want something she does not. YOU are happy with her... clearly she needs more...
rethink if you are really happy... rethink what she offers you... rethink what are the good points in the relationship vs the bad points... and make a choice there.
ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): this is about compatibility of personality and interests. Opposites may attract initially, but rarely do they last. Accept that this is what's happened here - you're opposites, you attracted initially, but it's not surprising if it doesn't last.
It's not wrong to want what you want, but it is wrong to try to make someone else change who they are to suit you. this could just as easily have gone the other way: your gf could be the one writing in here complaining "my bf is such a boring guy, I want him to become more into socializing and drinking and partying and less focused all on me, is it wrong to want that?" Then the replies to her would be the same: she should choose as her bf someone who likes to go out and party as much as she does, not to try to change you into who you are not.
bottom line is you both want very different things from a relationship and from a relationship partner. it isn't wrong for you to want what you want, but it isn't wrong for her to want to be the way she is either. People have the right to be who they are and want what they want. So it's better for you to break up for good and find new people who are more compatible, than trying to change each other into who you're not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Broke up 3 times in 5 months and you want to make it work for good ? Good luck.
You are just incompatible . I personally am a very moderate drinker and I can't see where's the fun in getting plastered day in and day out , and at 21 too !, but, I have to admit, the girl just wants to have some good times, not to rob a bank or kidnap a baby ,- if this is her idea of fun, she is entitled to have it , it's not her fault if you are a quiet , withdrawn homebody- get yourself a homebodette, rather than tryng to change your gf into something she is not ready to be.
And, drinks or no drinks, you ARE needy. " She waits 45 minutes to answer my text "? And why are you texting her if you know she's out with other people ? Don't you know it's very rude to be texting or calling /taking calls - unless is something important of course - when you are out socially ? Her attention must be on the people you are out with. Now, I think that if your gf does not answer is not because she want to stick to an unreproachable etiquette , but just because she does not feel like it, yet - she's right, you are bothering her, you should not be so invasive. If you need to be in constant contact with your partner, choose one who stays home at night.
Sorry but this does not sound like a good match, you should stop clinging to the idea of how everything would be perfect if only your Gf were always as she is when you two are alone. She can't, because that's only a part of her, then there 's another big part, the social butterfly and party girl, it's still her ( at least for now ) it's still what she is. And if you can't handle it, that's not her problem.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 October 2011):
You've only been together 5 months and already you've broken up 3 times? I'm sorry but that sounds like this relationship isn't meant to be.
I think you're in love with a false idea of what the relationship was. at the start of relationships, both people are on their best behavior and thus seem more ideal. Then as the relationship progresses, each person's "true nature" comes out, flaws and all. If you two are pretty similar in positive ways to begin with, then it's not a big deal when your true natures show and it brings you closer together. If you're both dissimilar or have opposite values and preferences, then there's more likely to be friction and conflict. This is where communciation skills and relationship skills (which includes skills in controlling yourself when you're in a relationship) become even more important than if you two were more compatible and thus fewer conflicts requiring resolution.
to begin to change your behavior to be less controlling, you need to learn to be less dependent on this relationship. People become controlling when they feel that their relationship is threatened, that loss of the partner is imminent. This is an anxiety. So to become less controlling, you have to learn to reduce your feelings of anxiety on your own - such as by changing your thought patterns or beliefs about yourself or about relationships.
But in your case, not only do you both have opposing values and ideas of what people in relationships should and shouldn't do, but there also aren't a lot of well-developed communication skills because she's uncommunicative, and you're controlling which further drives her away.
If you want to try to work on this relationship, I think you should start by letting go of what you want her to do and focus on changing your attitudes and behaviors (your controllingness and clinginess) so that you can be more OK with her the way she is. when people try to change their partner to be what they want, it usually drives their partner away rather than bringing the relationship closer.
Start changing your behavior consistently, without expecting anything from her for awhile. Make sure you're not being a roadblock to her being able to make the changes you want - for example you can't expect her to want to communicate more with you, if you're often making her feel upset by being controlling or clingy. then after you've changed your behavior consistently for some time, ask her again to change her behavior and see what happens.
it could also be that you two are just not compatible (at least not at this point in time, maybe in a few years you will be) and that your level of relationship-anxiety would be much lower overall if you were with someone else who was more similar to you and not such a party animal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Wow I have the same damn problem and still no answer just make sure not to keep it bottled up inside try making done new friends do things you don't usually do together. Best of luck man and if you find anything how to fix this problem then by all means post it so I can see what I can do with my girlfriend
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