A
female
age
51-59,
*hannimac
writes:I've been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years. Have 5 kids so it isn't easy to leave. I had been starting to seriously think about divorcing while I am still relatively young and could find true love/happiness when something happened that made things even more difficult. I was on a trip without my husband and after a few cocktails ended up in bed with a man I have been attracted to for the past few years. He is divorced and the father of my daughter's friend. The chemistry is the best I have ever had with anybody. He is everything I want. If he asked me to leave my husband I would do it in a second. The problem is, this "relationship" is all about (extremely good) sex. He has been up front about telling me he is dating others, which crushes me, but I know I have no right to expect otherwise. I get very insecure and unhappy when I don't hear from him for a few days. I told him I would like us to actually go out and talk. He had me meet him at a restaurant where he was dining with 3 of his closest friends. This gave me (possibly artificial) hope that maybe he was thinking this could blossom into something else. Afterwards we went back to his house for the most amazing night ever. We are meeting again this week at a hotel in the afternoon, which means obviously just sex. His 18 year old son lives with him so most of the time we have to meet at a hotel. Is there a way I can find out if this is only about sex with him or if he might consider something more serious if I divorce? He tells me this is hard on him because he wants to be with me but I'm married, yet when I told him I had been thinking about leaving my husband, he said he did not want to be the reason I get a divorce. He is also very emphatic that I be extremely careful and that no one find out about us (his friends didnn't know I am married). Yet, he left 2 large hickeys on my neck which my husband could have easily spotted. He does not want to be seen as a "bad person" by friends and especially his daughter and other children. I am in a Catch 22 because I can't have a meaningful relationship with someone while I am married, but if I get a divorce, I could end up all alone and even more unhappy.HELP!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 August 2010):
This guy is most definitely using you for sex. You need to end this affair and either put effort into your marriage, or take a chance and end it. You might well end up alone, but that is the change taken. And it's better than your husband finding out and dumping you, then telling your kids and friends what you've been up to. Because if that happens, you will be in huge trouble. Make your choice. Either you're in your marriage making it work, or you're divorced. But end this affair. The man knows you're married and unhappy, and he's using it against you.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Yup well isn't life tough!!
Welcome to the world of extra marital affairs and men just using you for sex!!...it's a real bitch!!
The first thing you need to do is remove the rose tinted spectacles your wearing. However you imagine this relationship will develop, I can tell you it's not going to happen. You had sex with the guy right off the bat. It doesn't matter if you are 16 or 60...once a man who barely knows you, has sex with you, he will be off like a shot!!
YOUR MARRIED!!!...this gives him the perfect excuse to screw you without having to commit...win/win for him. The second you walk from your marriage...he's going to run!
Wise up and get rid of him!
If your unhappy in your marriage then try marriage guidance or get a divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Friend, I assume you know how wrong cheating is and so I won't waste time preaching at you. But there's a very important thing you need to change about your thinking. You simply MUST separate these two decisions: first, whether you want a divorce, and second, whether you can have a relationship with this other man. 1) If you really want to leave your husband, you should do it because you absolutely cannot stand to continue living with him. Since you have children, their happiness should of course be your primary consideration. You're the only one who can answer the question of which is worse for them: living with unhappily married parents, or splitting their time between divorced parents. This really depends on how bad things are between you and your husband. If you think you might be able to salvage your relationship with him, you should try. If not, you should divorce him. This other man should not weigh in your decision, because you should only leave your husband if you would rather be alone than be with him. I would strongly recommend not continuing your affair while you are still with your husband.2) IF you decide to leave your husband, and AFTER you have done so, you should sit this other man down and ask him if he would be willing to date you exclusively. That is the first step. If he says yes, you should try to date him for a significant period of time - at least a month - WITHOUT sex or anything close to it. If you both still enjoy your relationship without its physical component, you can pursue that relationship in the hopes of it leading to marriage. However, you should keep several things in mind: 1) he is dating several women and therefore might not be a very loyal partner, 2) he might have chosen you because you're married and therefore won't tie him down, and 3) you should be very careful about how this relationship affects your children, especially your daughter and her friend. For a kid, their parents' love life is weird enough without it involving their friend's parents too, so just be careful.Good luck! I hope you make the right decisions.
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