A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I am 20 and I have been seeing this man (35) for two years. I know I care for him and though I realize that something like marriage cannot happen right now (I want to finish school and be settled in my career first) I wanted to at least know that it might be possible in the future. Well tonight, I got a true answer-he finds marriage too complicated. I know marriage does not guarantee happiness but to me, it signifies trust and a promises to build a life together as partners recognized by society, family-the world. I know myself, I would never be happy being a girlfriend forever. Maybe it's because of my culture...I don't know. Well now, I feel like I should leave him and save myself from the disappointment and heartbreak to find someone who has similar aspirations...But then, am I being too impatient? Taking his answer too seriously? I was very infatuated with him at first and now, it feels like deep love is just around the corner. Should I run away from him anyway? I'm scared of being one of those women who wait and wait and finally, the man dumps them to marry the "right" one who they felt ready to marry. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Bearer of bad news here…. I agree that men when they meet “the one” know within a year or so if they want to marry her. Men that say “I don’t want to get married” or “I find marriage complicated” are saying “I don’t want to marry YOU” …. Sad but true.
I don’t have a problem with age gap relationships at all… I’m nearly 52 and my fiancé is 38 a year ago we were just starting a relationship and his words “I don’t believe in marriage” and “I’ll never get married” were FINE with me. I did not want to get married or be serious with him… well guess who wants to get married???? Yep…. It’s just proven to me that when you know something is right it’s right.
After 2 years if he does not think about getting married to you it’s highly likely he never will.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): "I know marriage does not guarantee happiness but to me, it signifies trust and a promises to build a life together as partners recognized by society, family-the world. I know myself, I would never be happy being a girlfriend forever. . ."
As a guy I can tell you I share your sentiments exactly, and as I guy I can tell you right now any 35-year-old who "finds marriage too complicated" is not the guy for you and never will be.
You have no future together. "Deep love" is not "around the corner," it doesn't exist, never has and never will. At 20 you are still growing and changing and evolving as a person, suspect once you're done with school and settled in your career you will realize you are much better off without him.
Pure speculation and apologies if I'm wrong, but I suspect you grew up without a father or strong male role model in your life. You might be sub-consciously seeking to replace your absent father with an older boyfriend, and your waffling about leaving him suggests fears of abandonment and loneliness are clouding your good judgement.
Always suspicious of older guys taking up with teenage girls, you don't say much about him but I'm very suspicious of his motives, usually means mature women want nothing to do with him (always for very good reasons) and so turn to impressional teenage girls who equate age with maturity.
If your school has a counseling office, I suggest stopping by just to talk to a trained neutral third-party about your relationship in detail, hopefully my concerns are unfounded but your question "Will I have to wait around all my life?" and your fear "I'm scared of being one of those women who wait and wait and finally, the man dumps them to marry the "right" one who they felt ready to marry" again suggests to me something from your childhood
may be affecting/influencing you in ways you may not realize because you haven't made the connection.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (23 January 2012):
 u havent even finished school,its normal that he hasnt really thought about it. most men in the western culture put off marriage for some yrs. has he been married before? perhaps he wanted to date u at first cuz u were younger and wouldnt want to be married as opposed to women his age? do not bring an ultimatum now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): A 35 yr old man should know what he wants in a partner and it doesn't take him 2 years to figure it out. If he says marriage is too complicated, that's not positive and I'd take that as a sign marrying you is nowhere on his agenda.
My fiance is 40 and was in a relationship of 6 yrs before he met me and he said he never married her because something didn't feel right to him yet they lived together for 5 years. It took him 9 months to propose to me. There were no deadlines, no putting my foot down or trying to convince him.
Before we got engaged he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and wanted us to live together. I let him know I wouldn't move in until I was engaged or married. The ring came a month later.
I've been told by many guys they just know within the first year and anything longer than that, the odds of proposing go down. If they are young like in their 20's and still in school, it can take longer understandably.
Truth is, most guys end up marrying, only a small percentage don't. If a guy over 30 is telling you anything but how open to marriage he is, he doesn't think you are right for him. The best thing you can do is walk away and if he doesn't chase after you and propose, you spare yourself years of wasted time with the guy.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 I think you need to talk to him, but be prepared to walk away.
You need to explain to him how you feel about marriage, and that you dont want to get married any time soon but you do want it in the future. See what he has to say, see if he says he will think about it or whether it is a 100% definite NO to marriage.
If it is no and he is never going to change his mind, well you have to leave him. There is no point in staying with someone who wants different things in life, if you want marriage and he doesnt well you are not compatible for a long term relationship. Neither of you will be happy compromising on this issue, so you need to leave and find someone who wants the same things from the future as you do.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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