A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Back in June I met a man at a convention while on a business trip, although it was just friendly. We exchanged email addresses to be in contact about work-related questions. At the time I was engaged to be married (I have been with him for 3 years) and the other guy has currently been married for 10 years. He has no children and neither do I. Since we met, we started emailing about work stuff, but that progressed to chatting online and calling each other just to talk. First I was talking to him a lot about my wedding and then it expanded to other topics as we learned we have a lot in common. I got married in August, but my husband and I have not been sleeping together at all. We have not been intimate since we got engaged in July 2008. We never consummated the marriage because he doesn't seem to like to have sex with me, and never has (even before I met someone else). I confronted him about it and we are in counseling (for the second time since we stopped sleeping together). At first I thought that our sexual problems were because of wedding stress, but the therapist thinks something is wrong with my husband. The problem is that now I have not been intimate with him in so long I am no longer attracted to him anymore. I am finding that I feel a deep connection to the man I met at the convention. I truly believe I am in love with this other man and that he is in love with me. We have not even seen each other since the convention, and have never been physically intimate, but I feel like I should have married him instead. I live in Pennsylvania and this other man lives in Texas, so we can't see each other without one or both of us flying to each other and so far we have not committed to doing so out of fear of hurting our spouses. But, I think the time has come for us to see each other to determine if the feelings are real or not. But, I am very confused because I am not sure if I can leave my husband of only a few months without causing a lot of emotional damage to him. Although I don't feel like he and I should be married, I do care about him and don't want to hurt him that much. I am also not sure that the love I feel for this other man is real or if it is just because we can't see each other and we are just in love with who we think each other are. Finally, I am even more worried that we will see each other and it will be perfect in every way but then he won't leave his wife. This other man did tell me he wants to marry me and start a family. But then he says that he cares for his wife and doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But then he also says he is more in love with me. But he isn't sure he can leave her.Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Will a married man ever leave his wife if he doesn't have any children? I know I was stupid to get married in the first place, but how do I break it off with my husband and still keep him as a friend because I do care about him. I don't think it is fair to him for us to stay married if I am not emotionally invested at all and he is not able to be physical with me. Finally, I know it is wrong of me to be with a man who is married to someone else, but if we are truly soul mates as I feel we are at this time, do you think I should keep in contact with him while he figures out if he will leave his wife or not? I never thought I would be in this situation, please help me figure this out.
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engaged, married man, no longer attracted, soul mates, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 Unconsumated marriage... get an annulment as soon as possible.. you are not properly married at all. You don't have to leave your husband, but it will make things easier if you get that sorted out. That is not a marriage, your just room mates. Sorry if your husband is hurt, but he had no business marrying you if he dosen't like sexual intercourse. Explain this to him, it will never get better, he dosen't sound like he likes sex.
Your attracted to this guy because you feel unwanted at home. If this guy loved you and you loved him, there would be no problem. Both of you would already be sorting out your divorces and running off to be happy together. Your unhappily married, and after 10years he is probably bored. If he wanted to be with you he would, but he won't, he loves his wife and will not leave her to be with you.
Leave your husband, and find someone who is properly available to love you as you deserve. You are wasting your life with men who are unavailable to love you properly, before you know it you will be old, so stop wasting time, and start a fresh new life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): It looks like you didn't probe enough who your husband was and now you are seeking a possible relationship with a fellow who is married and could have a myriad of skeletons in his closet. Don't make the same mistake twice. Stop jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Figure out what is the matter with your husband and why you married him since you knew about his problem a long time before you married anyway.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (27 November 2009):
 I think that -- above all other considerations -- you need to re-evaluate everything in priorities. You need to (irregardless of your convention-guy) work out the issues in your immediate circle with the marriage/relationship with your husband. In my opinion, this has a higher priority than questioning if this other guy might or might not leave his wife.
In your case, yes -- not marrying somebody that doesn't fulfill your emotional/sexual needs -- is a problem that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible. If you two had some kind of sexual relationship before the engagement that has completely disappeared after the engagement and is still absent from your marriage, then you need to address it. If you're interested in saving your marriage, then you two need to have a frank, direct conversation on why this has happened... and that possibly might include involving some kind of professional...
Of course, if you're sure that this situation isn't for you and there's nothing to save, then I recommend that you move quickly toward a divorce (or in your case, I think an annulment would work).
Back to your convention-guy... there's no telling if he would ever leave his wife; the variables are far too numerous to guess an outcome. But, some of those variables might be the length of time that he's been married... his personal happiness in his marriage... the strength of your bond between you (as in, is it stronger than his marriage)... like I said, the list is long... but I really think that you need to clean house in your own place before thinking about this guy. You need to create your own happiness with your current partner, and if it's not giving you satisfaction, then do something about it without the thought of the new guy in your mind (act as if he's not a motivator here because he shouldn't be).
One last item -- not having children is a possible motivator for him to vacate his marriage, but all that is dependent on the circumstances -- are they childless by choice or possibly for medical reasons? ...and either answer might weigh on your possible future together, right?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 November 2009):
 I think the problems within your marriage are contributing to your feelings for this other, married man.
Why not leave the other man out of the equasion while you sort out your own life, or are you afraid that if you leave your (unfulfilling) marraige you will be on your own?
It would be far better for all concerned if you sorted out your problems and got your life back on track without adding to them by having an affair or contributing to the breakup of somebody else's marriage.
Quite frankly, your marriage sounds rather toxic, I know sex isnt the be all and end all of a relationship, but why on earth did you get married at all?
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