A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together for 4 years. We got married after two years, lived together for a year in our home state, then lived together for another year in Illinois as I attended school for my military career. My wife and I are both quiet people, but I'm introverted whereas she is outgoing and adventurous. I've been busy with school and studying this past year, and for half of the year my classes were at night. My wife has been incredibly supportive, and great at pursuing her own interests and hobbies as well, and has made many friends. She's very independent but also very nurturing and loving. I try my best to take care of her as well. We usually spend one full day together on the weekends, but I'm otherwise working or studying.I've just completed the first portion of my school which lasted a year, and I've been assigned to Florida to complete the technical part of my school for six months. After that, I'll be deployed. We always planned to be physically together. However, my wife suggested that she stay behind in Illinois for the six months, and after that she will follow me to wherever I am assigned. The reason is because she made many great friends. She's always been very popular but has not connected deeply with many people, so I understand that. She doesn't open up or trust easily because of the way she grew up and I could tell these friends mean a lot to her. However, it hurts that she seems to be choosing her friends that she just met over me. She also said that staying behind in Illinois means she can work at her current well-paying job for another six months to better support us. It makes sense. After school in Florida, I'm to be deployed for 3 years. She thinks it makes more sense to wait out the 6 months instead of moving and then moving again. I think she makes sense but it hurts me because I want her by my side. I feel very emotional over this while she is being very logical. I know she will come to Florida if i really wanted her to, but i wanted to ask everyone opinion on whether or not they think it makes sense to be separated for 6 months. It also doesn't help that I'm the jealous type. I'm aware of this and I trust her, but i can't help but feel jealous sometimes when she's with friends while i'm working for the military. But I know she needs her social life and relationships too.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 December 2019):
 I'm not going to lie, the Anon Male's (20/12) comment made me cringe. By that standard, why does the wife have to follow her husband, not the other way round? Perhaps he should quit the military and belong with her? Yuck, sexist notions.
Look, OP, you chose this career and, sadly, part of that is being away from your wife. Unlike Anon Male's outdated opinion and Anon Female's (19/12) short reply, your wife not following you immediately isn't a bad sign. She needs to enjoy her life too - your career (and following it) isn't more important than that.
As a military wife, she will likely be uprooted enough as it is, so any unnecessary ones should be avoided.
I've been in a long distance relationship before and it is not easy,so I feel for you, but you signed up for it by being in the military and that means putting her "stay put" needs before your "follow me" wants sometimes. This is one of those times. She will be putting your career first a lot in the future, so please remind yourself that it's not fair to consider this as her choosing friends over you - she's just choosing her stability before she has less of a choice.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 December 2019):
 Obviously, Anon male has not dealt with the military and that "life-style" - a WIFE doesn't "simply" BELONG to a husband. We aren't CHATTEL. We aren't a doorknob, a table, bookcase or frying pan, that goes where the husband TELLS us to. We (women/wives) SHOULD be an equal partner in a marriage.
The thing with the military, that you (anon male) may not understand is that things CONSTANTLY gets changed around. Orders for one place may not ACTUALLY be for that place until you are signed in at a unit. Schools that are supposed to take 6 week or 6 months can take longer, they might even keep you there until a spot opens up.
His wife HAS a career too. She might CHOOSE at some point to stay at home and raise the kids, she might CHOOSE to keep working. While that is for the COUPLE to work out, it certainly isn't a GIVEN that the woman MUST give up EVERYTHING every time.
She isn't JUST staying behind because of the friends, her main thing is her work. She MIGHT have spend WAY more time in college getting a degree in something she WANTS to pursue and you think because she is the wife, IT DOESN'T matter?!
If their marriage can't stand the "test" of 6 months apart, HOW are they going to deal with 3 years? With actual deployments to war-zones, or overseas?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2019): I can't imagine what made you choose the military if you can't bear to be parted from your wife.Maybe you should have chosen a 9 to 5 office job in your home town and probably you would still feel jealous of your wife.Not because you want her life!You want the excitement of military life but you also want a non military wife in a military zone.Unless you get suitably housed by the military you are not being realistic.Your wife is grounded and she has had the common sense to develop hobbies and friends around her.There is no point in ripping her away from it all in order to rip it all up again six months later.You need to keep building on what you already have.So you have a fantastic wife who has a decent job and a friendship support system.You have good qualifications and shortly will earn even more.Do I hear the patter of tiny feet here?Well, yes, it is a possibility in a reasonable situation.Do I think wife loves you?Hell yes.A baby takes nine months before it's due arrival.So you can see that in the greater scheme of things six months is a very short time.Literally less than 30 weeks.So build on what you already have.Don't destroy it for an arbitrary timescale.Just get your nose down and do your next bit and get back to see that loving wife of yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2019): Simply stated, a wife belongs with her husband! If she remains another 6mos in Illinois, she will be even more attached to these so called friends and it will become doubtful that she will move with you, to your new deployment overseas! If she is outgoing and popular, she can make good new friends anyplace! I know that you miss your wife, and surely you are getting very horny and I am fairly certain that she must be getting quite horny, herself, while apart. You two belong together, so that you can bring one another off to a mutual climax, and thus avoid any temptation to cheat! My friend, you need to put your foot down on this important issue! Thanks for your service to America and best wishes for a long and happy marriage!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 December 2019):
OP, I totally get why it hurts; I'd be hurt too. That said, not only is she being practical, but she also needs her own life too. She needs to be able to build roots sometimes and enjoy them before following your career around.
You chose a job that has this unfortunate side effect and that's okay, but it means that you also need to be okay when her life, job and friends need to come first sometimes, instead of just following your job and not settling down anywhere for long enough for her to be happy when you're away.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (19 December 2019):
It actually makes sense for her to stay in Illinois.
It seems clear that you want her with you to prevent you from being alone. You need to use the time apart to work on making friends and having a life outside her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 December 2019):
It does make WAY more sense for her to stay put of you are going to be there for 6 months, and then deploying right after.
When you say deploy for 3 years, do you mean an overseas assignment? Because I don't know of any units or MOS's that deploy for 3 years. (things might have changed a lot in the last 6 year, though) If it's an overseas assignment, is there no family accompaniment? Usually a "geographical bachelor" (overseas assignment without family) is 2 years, with family 3 years. SO I was wondering, what's up with that?
However, that IS often the reality of military life, either the NON military person of a marriage follows the active duty person around the world or, the NON military stays behind for certain periods of time, and they see each other less for certain periods of time.
We had 2 officers (in my husband's last unit) who's wives did NOT move with them because the wives had children and careers in other states that were not "transferable" (as in they couldn't easily find jobs of the same quality in our state/area) and both officers were due to deploy to Afghanistan, so the wives would be sitting in a different state with NO jobs while their husbands were deployed. All in the name of living together for a short period.
This isn't about being together all the time, this is about being practical too. You really can not expect her to give up EVERYTHING, EVERY TIME you can reassigned. I know being in the military is hard, but being a spouse of an active duty soldier is HARD too, in some ways.
A 6 months school will fly by fast and you two can still see each other during those 6 months. If you get any weekends off. Her having a job would make those visits WAY more financially possible.
And with you being away at school for 6 months you will be VERY busy those 6 months and not get to see much of her as it is. So she would be giving up everything to sit in Florida and not get to see you much, not have a job nor friends. Which is a little unfair, I think.
I think it's LOVELY that you DO want her with you, and be able to spend as much time as possible with her, I think she wants the same, but she also wants to be fulfilled with some of her other needs, like building a career, having a social network. After all YOU have the Army 24/7.
During my husband's career in the military we (the kids and I) did NOT move with him when he was off to various schools. It just wasn't practical at all. It sucked because HE missed out on so much with the kids and WE missed out on having him around. But that is military life in a nutshell for MANY people.
Also things can change after you get the schooling done, as I am sure you know. "Hurry up and wait", I'm sure you are familiar with. You might get a different set of orders than previously expected. The NEEDS of the Army supersedes your wishes at times. Which happened twice for my husband, and they BOTH fell though, once he was deployed to Iraq a months or so after finishing one school instead of us PCS'ing. The other time the was a lateral move from one unit to another, because he got hand picked to temporarily head up part of Rear D.
So, in short, I think your wife IS being practical. And I think she is doing it for the RIGHT reason.
You guys have been together for 4 years and made it work, so KEEP that up. You can do this. Both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): When you get married you spouse should always come before your friends. I really do not think she will even move with you after those six months.I am sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): I think you're being extremely selfish. Your wife has moved for you once alreaady. She built a new life for herself and she's going to have to do it all over again when you're deployed. But you don't want to let her keep that life for six months.
When you go to florida you'll be training. What will she be doing? In a city with no friends, no job? Just sit at home and wait for you? She won't be able to build new relationships in that time, and what would be the point cos she's going to have to leave those people behind too.
Stop thinking about yourself so much and give her situation a bit of consideration.
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