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female
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writes:I'm hoping for someone to enlighten me on why my ex fiancé would dump me and marry someone who resembles his ex wife. My ex was married to an alcoholic like himself for 14 yrs. It was a very abusive marriage to say the least. When we met he was just out of that marriage and according to him the split with her had been a long time coming. He always claimed that she was the one who was abusive to him and his family confirmed everything he had told me about their marriage. When we started dating he told me that I was a dream come true, that I was everything he ever wanted in a woman. He professed his undying love for me and swept me off my feet. He showered me with expensive gifts, told me he loved me numerous times a day and life with him was good for a very long time. His family embraced me almost immediately. They repeatedly told me how happy they were that he had finally found someone who was a decent, kind and loving person, unlike his wife. The relationship moved very quickly from dating to us living together, to becoming engaged. We spent the next 7 yrs. together and although, I loved him life was not always easy with him. Yes, I knew he was an alcoholic with no intentions of giving that up but, I naively thought I could get him to stop drinking if I only loved him enough and showed him that we could have a good life together. As time went on I realized that although he was loving and affectionate towards me life really was all about him. We got along as long as everything went his way. Sex and being emotionally intimate declined after the first couple yrs. which became very frustrating but, when ever he felt me pulling away he would promise to slow down on the drinking and shower me with flowers and gifts... he would tell me that he didn't want to loose me and just wanted to make me happy. Like a fool I believed that he really wanted to make it work with us. Life would be good for short periods of time and then he would revert back to his old ways. Towards the end we fought constantly and I could sense that he was being secretive about things. I continued to question him and he would always tell me I was just imagining things and that he loved me. We started to make plans to marry and then one mth. before tying the knot he blows my mind by dumping me and informs me that he had been unhappy for a while. Come to find out he was cheating on me as I had suspected although, he continued to deny anything had been going on. He basically tried to make me believe that I had driven him to do what he did. His family was disgusted with him and what he had done to me- they remained in contact unsolicited by me in hopes that he would come to his senses and realize what he was giving up. I never stopped loving him even though, I was devastated. Needless to say, the relationship with this other woman lasted less than a yr with her being the one that ended it. During the entire time with her he continued to drive by my house checking on me and sending me random texts which I ignored. If he ran into me though, in public he would ignore me and act as if I didn't exist which hurt me but, I learned to deal with my emotions in private. His sister would hint around to me to get in touch with him but, I ignored that also. I felt that if he wanted me back then he needed to make the effort to show me how he felt but, he never did.A few mths. later I get word that he had met someone else and was planning on marrying her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...how could he throw me out like a piece of garbage after 7 yrs, move in with someone else immediately and then when that ended become quickly engaged to another and marry her after only dating for 2 mths. His sister told me she was as dumbfounded as I was and that this one was even worse than the one he had left me for. As hurt by this as I was I knew I had to find a way to move past this and somehow get over my feelings for him which I have worked very hard to achieve. It has not been easy! Although, he still continues to drive by my house and even though his sister has told me that she is a drinker like him, acts a lot like his exwife and that she is sure the marriage will not last she knows that I deserve better!Now, here's the thing...a few days ago after not seeing him for about a yr since they married we end up at a graduation. This is the first time I have seen her and to say the least I was beside myself by the sight of them. Besides the fact that they both acted like they were wasted she is the most God awful beastly looking thing I have ever seen. As shallow as that may sound I couldn't believe what I was looking at. They were both a mess! He looked like he had aged about 10 yrs. although, it has only been a little over 2 yrs since we were together. When he caught a glimpse of me he stood there glarring at me as if he were embarrassed or maybe afraid I might start something..not sure. I stopped dead in my tracks and time seemed to stand still for a moment. I looked him in the eye, shook my head in disbelief and then went on my way. I have since then not been able to get this whole scenario out of my head...how could someone who professed his undying love to me for 7 yrs. throw me away for that. I apologize for the length of this but, needed to get things off my chest. This isn't about wanting him back or not being able to move on...believe me that ship has sailed- I just need to understand why a person would want that kind of life for themselves. Your insight would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I want to thank all of you for responding to my questions..I know that I need to accept what is & that there is nothing I can do to change that. Deep down I know his decisions as insane as they may be really weren't about me..it never was!
The day he ended our relationship & after saying he was unhappy for a very long time he also, said something that at the time didn't make very much sense- something that now makes all the sense in the world. When I told him fighting back tears that I loved him with all my heart thinking that would make a difference he said "You don't love ME, you love the IDEA of me"! That was probably the most honest thing he had said to me in 7 yrs. I never accepted the person he really was..an alcoholic. I loved what I saw as potential, what I imagined he could be if he only stopped drinking. I'm sure he saw that too even when I couldn't. You are right Tisha-1, as sad as it is I couldn't save him!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2013):
 I agree with Tisha... you were not co-dependent enough for him. You did not feed his addiction.
I know I am married to an active alcoholic who I married knowing he had this issue. I do not drink much and he tries so hard to get me to indulge with him...
I don't think my love and acceptance will help him quit. I know that he has to hit rock bottom for himself before he will quit... I just hope it's before he kills himself.
consider yourself lucky you were not enough of a basket case for this guy to stay with you and forgive yourself. NOT that you need forgiveness as you have done nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2013):
 He's an active alcoholic looking for someone to drink with, you weren't enough of an enabler for him, so he found someone who doesn't give him a hard time about his alcohol abuse.
If he's been an alcoholic for many years, then some of his cognitive function may be deteriorating and he's not able to make healthy or wise choices for his health and well-being.
Don't take it personally; I know that sounds odd as you experienced a breakup with him, but this has so little to do with you and how wonderful a person you could be for him. This has everything to do with his addiction and the pickling of his brain and his liver.
He's not well. He's not making good decisions for his long-term health and well-being.
You can't save him.
I know tragically how this can end. I lost my best friend to alcohol. She basically drank herself to death, despite a loving husband and lots and lots of friends who did everything they could to save her from her disease. Short of taking her physically to a rehab center and throwing her inside, which on reflection may not have saved her after she go out, there isn't anything we could do to make her want to get well.
It's so difficult.
I got some insight and support by going to Al-Anon, which is for family and friends of alcoholics. It helped to see that I was not the only one going through stress because of someone else's alcohol abuse. I think that would be a sensible thing for you to check out.
Why would a person want that kind of life for themselves? Because their thinking is warped and unhealthy and they have no tools or coping mechanisms to get them out of it. Their wiring is defective.
Good luck to you. The good news is that you won't have to be there when the inevitable alcohol-induced medical crisis takes his health or his life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): I’m sorry you had to go through such a painful time…Why would your ex fiancé dump you and marry someone who resembles his ex wife? It could be because he felt he didn’t deserve you or anyone better – that he stuck with what he knew? He was married for 14 yrs to another alcoholic, so perhaps it’s what he is used to, and what he feels comfortable around? It doesn’t make sense even to someone with an objective point of view.He found someone who was a “dream come true” and even his family could see the positive change and yet, it’s as if he wanted to return to the nightmares of his past. He may have unresolved issues from the past, he may have self esteem issues, and whatever is causing him to drink, is all tied in together probably.Perhaps he tried to change for a bit but a leopard can’t change it’s spots and he returned to character. Picking someone like his ex seems to substantiate this.It looks like despite the positives, he was selfish as you said life revolved around him. Intimacy and closeness declined and left and he would try once in a while to revive what he knew he should do but couldn’t keep it up. Perhaps with these abusive, alcoholic women he doesn’t need to make any effort at all. For some reason, he wasn’t willing to work on it permanently – could be the alcohol’s fault, and everything else surrounding it. He also became a liar and a cheat. Worse, a month before you get married he says he has been unhappy for a while? Not so nice timing, to say the least. Not considerate or thoughtful or even caring for that matter. It was only you rowing the boat.It’s very obvious it’s not you or anything you said or didn’t say, anything you did or didn’t do. First of all, he is someone with a substance abuse which means he is weak and not in control of himself or life. He needs professional help to stop the alcohol abuse, and counseling/therapy to discover himself, his past and his actions. Without that, he will just continue the cycle he has perpetuated so far.He has gotten married much too soon, to someone who by the sounds of it is a replica of his ex wife, so in time he will want out like before. The fact he looks worse for wear proves he is on a downward spiral which is sad really – the man you loved and who appeared to love you, is no longer.You do deserve better – much better! You were patient and accepting of his weakness, however it wasn’t enough. He has chosen the path he is on, and one can only hope he finds his way, somehow. As for you, here’s hoping you find someone deserving of you, who will be true and an equal partner in the relationship whom you don’t have to parent in any way. Someone who is your equal in every way, who you can share everything with, and feel safe with – on all levels: their commitment and loyalty to you, their word having value, their investment in the relationship, and their feelings being true.How could he throw you away after 7 yrs for “this”? It doesn’t have to make sense, and he doesn’t have to have a reason – it’s very clear though that it’s a big mistake but if he doesn’t see it now, he will one day. By then, you have long gone and hopefully will be much happier with someone else. You did love him, so one can only hope he finds his way, for his own sake.Good luck.G's Girl
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