A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm scared I'm being too needy with my boyfriend but I feel he is trying to make me insecure. The other day he told me he thinks his ex girlfriend is 'fit' and I don't know what to think about that. He said he's not gonna think she's ugly as he went out with her but I didn't really need to hear that, did I?I am an insecure person anyway and I think he is too and maybe he's just trying to make me more insecure like him. How can I stop him talking about his ex's as it makes me really mad and upset?! Thanks
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (14 March 2006):
 I would simply tell him that you understand he has exes and you don't have a problem with that but you don't really like to hear about them. Tell him that it makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable and that you don't talk about your exes to him.
Once you have told him this and he continues, he is playing games and trying to make you jealous and in that case, don't fall for it. Either tell him to stop playing games or hit the road or alternatively fight fire with fire and tell him about that handsome ex of yours.
Basically, people play games for power. He probably likes having the upper hand and seeing you get jealous. If that is what he is up to, he needs to grow up and learn that you don't play with the minds of people you care about and respect their feelings.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Is this a one-off or something he does regularly?
If it's a single incident, then blow it off. Some guys can be a little bit thick about understanding women's emotions. He may just have tossed off a remark without running it through his mental "emotional content scanner", and therefore, he hurt your feelings unintentionally.
If he does this sort of thing often, then you'll want to point it out to him, in an adult and non-accusatory way. You also need to mention it straight after the fact, not wait until days later.
Say something like "I'm sure you don't mean to be hurtful, but I can't help wondering why you mention her so often. I feel like you still have feelings for her and that bothers me."
If the behaviour continues, you need to decide how much you're willing to endure. Maybe your boyfriend is a bit unconscious about his comments and can learn not to be so insensitive. Or maybe you just want to cut your losses, since you're already insecure. As always, the choice of what to do is yours.
In short, give him a chance to understand that this is a problem for you, and to amend his comments. If he can't, then you decide whether to continue to accept it (let them bounce off you), or walk.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Sounds like this guy is a control freak and gets off on making you upset and angry. He obviously likes your reaction when he says this sort of stuff, so whilst you cannot stop his behaviour, you can control your reaction to it. Dont give him the satisfaction.x
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A
male
reader, d4u04 +, writes (13 March 2006):
 darling this is going to sound really cliche, but just talk to him about it, I agree that you did not need to hear that and him justifying saying it with the 'i went out with her' remark will understandably make your mind wonder, but it seems most likely that he doesn't realise it's getting to you, as men, I'm ashamed to say, aren't very pereceptive. And obviously your insecurities won't just go away over night but comminication is the key.
good luck x
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