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writes: Hi there, I have a very unusual problem with my partner of 7 years. He will never use my name, not my first name of even a pet name. If he wants me and I'm not in the room, he will shout 'are you there'. I mentioned this to him early on in our relationship (7 years ago) and he said he didn't think there was any need to use names when there are only the 2 of us in the house. But even when we are in company he will avoid using my name and I find it really upsetting as our names are part of our identity. The only time he has used my name was when we were going through a very difficult time and he texted me, he started off the text message with my name. I would be very interested if anyone has any theories on this as it's gone on so long now I think it would feel strange to hear him say my name. Also I find I have stopped using his name so it must be catching!!
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male
reader, Cupid's7inchArrow  +, writes (13 October 2010):
This is very much an intimacy problem and I have been the perpetrator of this kind of behavior. It is a way of keeping your distance. Using proper names can be a deeply personal thing. It is very similar to not wanting to look directly into your partner's eyes during sex, and I've had that problem too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure how to respond to individual replys so I would like to thank everyone who has taken the trouble to read my problem and give their advice. I do know for certain that it is nothing to do with my actual name - it would be the same whatever name I had. I also know it is a problem with intimacy. When I first met my partner (D) I found him very difficult to be with. His manner was bordering on ignorant and rude especially with my friends and family. I read an article about aspergers syndrome and I thought D suffered with that but only to a degree. He was certainly very very shy and a bit of a social phobic. I could see why D got to 53 without any lasting relationship - he was such hard work. But, being a sucker for the 'underdog', I perservered and gradually he began opening up to me, letting little signs of affection slip in. Now 7 years on I look back and realise how much he has changed. I wonder how ever I put up with him in the early stages - he was so rude and arrogant, not making any attempt to even talk to my family/friends. I hope one day he will open up even more and tell me about his past. I know he has never been in a lasting relationship but I tell myself he was waiting for me to come into his life.
Thank you all again for your replys. The saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved' is certainly true.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 This is odd, indeed, but I'm not sure there's anything behind it. What if he's like good ol' Clint Eastwood and rarely speaks?
Did you ever hear the story about the man who told his wife that he loved her, but he did it only once? The wife had a friend ask him whether he "verbalized his feelings for his wife", and the man said, "Well, twenty years ago I told her I loved her. I also told her I would let her know if I changed my mind".
My half cent.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 October 2010):
 maybe he doesnt like your name.
when i didnt like my exes name,i always used pet names or made up a name for him
however when i liked a guys name i kept saying it and worrying about not saying it too MUCH.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Hearing the one you love call you by name (and not just during sex) can be just about as powerful as hearing "I love you".
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I am glad to hear that he is intimate in his own way. I do think that there are walls that he has up for whatever reason. Only you can know if these are walls that really matter.
Sometimes we build walls to keep out pain, and to keep people from being able to hurt us. What we sadly do not realize much of the time, is that in doing so, we lock ourselves in.
These walls of his may be to protect himself. Make sure that in doing so he is not locking you out. If he is able in his own way to be intimate with you, that is a very good thing. On some level he does feel safe with you. Try talking about this with him.
I will say that I have a small amount of expertise in this area. My hubby has a very difficult time expressing any vulnerability. It has been difficult and caused us some problems at times. You have to decide if this is really important to you. In my own life, I am finally seeing that the love and need he has for me, tho not verbally expressed well, is none the less, very strong.
I think possibly you will find the same. We are not all the same. We do not express things the same. It is difficult for someone who is very verbal to comprehend that others just simply cannot verbalize their feelings.
Think about the things that he does do to show his love to you. He feels safer with you and closer to you than he does anyone else. Talk to him, be patient, show him this thread...and be patient.
And do stick by your guns. He is not too old to change. He CAN learn to call you something. A nickname, your given name, or an endearment. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I think its due to lack of acknowledgment, acceptance and intimacy. My partner was the same and wouldnt call me by my name for 3 years. Only after i started ignoring him did he change. He now calls me by my name. A friend is experiencing the same problem with her partner. Theyve been together for 2 years but he still refuses to call her by her name unless hes angry. Both of our partners are middle aged and had previous long term relationships that ended when their partners cheated and left them. That may have something to do with their reluctance to 'invest'. Try ignoring your partner when he doesnt refer to you properly. And stress to him how bad mannered you find him refusal to use your name. It worked for me.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I remember watching John Tucker Must Die and the trick was that John called all the girls pet names so that he wouldn't mix them up and confuse himself. Probably not your case, but that's what it made me think of.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I agree that it is a sort of lack of intimacy in the relationship. It could also be that he has gotten out of the habit of using names because perhaps he called a woman by the wrong name once. My ex (due to lack of intimacy) called me by a former wife's name very early on in our relationship. He fixed this by never saying my name again and calling me by some pet name. I thought it was cute until I heard him calling his 3rd wife by the SAME pet name.
So, I don't know what's worse, "hey you" or "honey". But I do think you should try to get to the bottom of why he wont call you by your name. I would try always trying to say his name and also use the advice of not answering to "hey you."
If it's lack of intimacy I am sure it comes out in other areas of the relationship. Intimacy is created by sharing new experiences (and not just sexual) so maybe try sharing some new experiences. Zest up the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replys. I guessed it was an intimancy issue as he also never holds my hand or links my arm in public and has never never said ILY. He has texted me 'love you to bits' but it is not the same is it? I must add though that when we are alone he is very affectionate in a tactile sort of way. I will definitley take the advice of YouWish and ignore him next time I hear 'are you there'. Actually, now I think of it, I have done this in the past and he has gone back out only to try again later. I will persevere though.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (10 October 2010):
Great answer by Youwish. (Actually the second one that I read of hers so far today.)
I too believe it to be a sign of intimacy. I think that in some way he is holding back a piece of his heart. I dont know if that is because he has been terribly hurt at sometime in his life?
I personally would hate this. I would feel emotionally estranged on some level. I think that the suggestion by Youwish is a good one. Try it, and dont give in. :) good luck
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 October 2010):
Using someone you love's name is a mark of intimacy. It sounds like he has intimacy problems. You can fix this by not responding to "are you there" or "hey you". Train him to call your name!
If he starts calling for you without using your name, ignore him until he comes into the room saying "Didn't you hear me???" Respond by saying.."No, I didn't hear you calling my name."
He'll get the clue.
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