A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 8 years and she has never giving me a proper blowjob, and by proper I mean that she has never gotten me off while doing it. She rarely goes down on me, and I mean rarely, I'm taking once every year or two. And as sad it that may be, this is no exaggeration. I can't remember the last time I had one, it was too long ago. And when she does go down on me it never lasts very long, she always stops or makes up a reason to stop. I never force her to keep going. I've done everything for her, and I go to extraordinarily lengths to please her. It feels like I've done everything that I can to desire one, not that they should be acts of reward of course. I know she loves me, but I can't understand why she doesn't want to express that orally, or want to please me for that matter. And when I try to talk to her about blowjobs, she gets defensive, tries to change the subject, or makes me feel shit for wanting them. I've never cheated and I love her too much to even contemplate leaving her because of this, so why do I crave her oral love so much! I'm constantly thinking about blowjobs. Why? What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Perhaps it's HOW you are talking to her about them. Perhaps the way you want them and they way you see them, feels, or is degrading to her. Men can get pretty crass and inappropriate about oral sex and perhaps it makes her feel very uncomfortable and it's far from a loving intimate act between the two of you (coming from my perspective only).
The only one who can answer the questions you are asking is your girlfriend.
You have been with her for a long time and I whole heartedly disagree with the people who are saying you should leave her. Solid loving relationships are very hard to come by and when you are committed to someone you deal with the good and the bad. Not having oral sex will not be the end of the world for you or any man/women. And if basing a relationship make or break on THAT? These people have some serious issues.
I am coming from a place where it took the right man and a whole lot of trust to get over my "fear" of giving a man oral sex. I grew up with the belief that only nasty slutty girls did it, and men forcing their penises in my face, the never ending deep throat and gaging in porn which is so incredibly degrading to women, it's not remotely hot or exciting, the immature "they swallow" when refering to sports teams, etc....seriously, guys in general can really kill the act the way all that crass ignorance is spewed out there...not everybody has a thick skin, and I was one of them, though I hid it well and avoided the act in relationships as often as possible.
My fiance now had a lot of patience, lead me, but never insisted, or forced. He let me lead and figure out what was comfortable for me and in time, I got over all of it. One time, he bumped his penis on my face, and I froze. It was a minor set back...visions of more degrading porn reared it's ugly head. I know where he is coming from and he knows where I am coming from. He knows my boundaries and I know what he likes...it's an intimate trusting bond and I am more than happy to please him when the moment arises (no pun intended ha ha).
Maybe this much work and effort is not something either of you want, but it was worth it to me, and most definitely worth it for him. Everyone got what they wanted and it brought us closer together, that's for sure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Well unfortunately by not taking no for am answer and continuing to pester her for it, you have now given her mental and emotional baggage surrounding the entire topic. You are making her hate it even mire than she initially did.
Just learn to live without it or break up and find a new partner who enjoys doing it. You can't make someone stop hating something that they find disgusting and which you have already made into this huge contentious issue. If your goal is for her to do it for you despite hating it well that's not a very healthy goal for a relationship. It will make her hate it more and over time it will become more and more difficult for her to force herself to do it but you will by then be accustomed to disregarding her feelings
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (21 March 2013):
I'm going to guess that she's one of the only women you've been with so you haven't learned by now that just about every woman who gives enthusiastic blow jobs does it for a living.
That's my experience and of many of my friends as well (except one who I'm jealous of).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Leave her then. She obviously doesn't want to give you blowjobs, for whatever reason. It isn't your fault, but some people dislike oral sex. Either way, it's an issue SHE has, and not something you did. The reasons she "makes up" might very well be the actual reasons for why she doesn't like it. But either way, when she gets defensive about it, and when she makes you feel guilty for wanting oral sex, she's crossing the line. This is bad behaviour and demeaning. She's basically putting you down and making you feel bad for a completely natural thing to want.
I mean if she didn't like it you deserve to be treated with respect, and she should talk to you about this and explain things and you should have a mature conversation about it. But instead she puts you down and gets defensive, which is not acceptable for a grown up. That's what children do, and you're in an adult relationship.
So, I think you might be better of leaving her. Not necessarily because she wont give blow jobs, but because of the lack of respect she has for you, and the lack of maturity she shows.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): There could be any number of reasons OP but the simple fact is she doesn't like them and is not willing to go beyond her comfort zone to pleasure you.
There's nothing you can do if she won't talk about it, talking is the only way of resolving this and she's closed that door.
You're not going to leave her, she's not going to give them and not going to talk it out so you'll never know why and you'll get another really shitty unsatisfying one next time she bothers.
I'd leave to be honest. I'm 7 years with my fiancée she knew getting into this relationship that I need them to be happy with my sex life and she loves giving them so we work well. I would not stay in a relationship with a woman who doesn't give them, I would be sexually incompatible with such a woman and would be very frustrated and depressed with such a woman.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I just saw my ex husband last week… we were talking about things we miss about each other (it was a very odd divorce) and he said he missed being able to orgasm from a blow job. Apparently I was the only partner he ever had that could get him to that point. (EGO STROKE FOR ME!) His poor wife now, just can’t do it and it drives her nuts. So I guess that even if his wife gives him head for an hour every week he’s not getting a “proper” blow job.
Maybe she rarely goes down on you because she hates doing it? Have you ever given a blow job? If not, I’m not sure how you can understand what it’s like… maybe put a cucumber in your mouth and do to it what you want done to you and see if you like doing it…..
Men that like getting blow jobs need to be with women that like giving them. Plain and simple.
You never force her to keep going but I bet you ASK for one on a regular basis…. Or hint or beg or plead or whine? Do you do those things?
“I’ve done everything for her and I go to extraordinary lengths to please her” WHY? Do you do everything for her and go to the lengths to please her for the sake of pleasing her or are you doing it in hopes of getting a blow job? I give blow jobs regularly and I'm not getting any oral love in return. Ever. JUST NOT HAPPENING.
You can’t understand why she does not want to give you blow jobs… BECAUSE IT’S HER CHOICE NOT TO LIKE THEM. AND that’s OK.
You crave it and miss it because you don’t have it. It may be a deal breaker for you. It would be for my husband. He loves his blow jobs…thankfully I love giving them.
I’m in your boat only worse… at least your gf tries to give you bjs now and then.. my husband will not perform oral sex at all. NOT HAPPENING… I miss it. I miss it so very very much… but I knew this going in and I accept it…
you say you won't leave her over it...
well then YOU NEED TO LET IT GO AND NOT ASK FOR IT or talk about it... take note that blow jobs are off the list for you as long as you are with her.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 The bottom line is she doesn't like blowjobs and never will. No amount of persuading will change how she feels.
Can you live with that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Maybe she feels inadequate and that she can't satisfy you that way, try to make it a lighthearted game, and give her tips along the way, be kind and reassuring and who knows, it might be fun for both of you!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Maybe she just hates doing it? It sounds like you're just going to have to accept that you are not with someone who wants to do it. Maybe it tastes bad, maybe it makes her gag, maybe she just doesn't like being pressured into it, but it sounds like this is just something that won't be a regular part of your sex life.
Why not talk to her in a way that you are trying to understand rather than trying to talk her into it? Just ask what it is that bothers her and see if it's something you can work around. Like maybe it's just the ending she hates and maybe she can get you close and you can finish another way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2013):
 Do you take a LONG time to get off when you are getting a blow-job? I swear my husband can keep an erection for a good 35 minutes during a blow-job and as much fun as it is, it KILLS my jaws. So this is not a every day thing for us. However, it does happen quite often because I LIKE to do it to him.
My guess is that she isn't loving it or it doesn't get her going at all, or simply it takes to much work to get you off.
And JUST because she doesn't give you head as much as you want doesn't mean she doesn't LOVE you.
You need to talk to her without making her feel defensive. Who knows you might find out WHY she doesn't like it or doesn't do it.
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