A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I am just trying to make sense of things. My boyfriend (together for 4 years) lost his job and came to live with me while looking for another. I paid all the bills including his child's (not my child) school for 6 months. He got another job but it was at a lower grade and he can only afford to pay his child's expenses but cannot contribute to our household. I have to attend a work weekend team excercise and I asked him if he would clean the house while I am away on Saturday because I have to go back to work on Monday but he has refused says he does other things like cooking meals not cleaning. I am so disappointed. Usually I do all the housework every week except for cooking and I pay all the bills I thought this one time he would help me.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 I think you have done enough and this incident should be an eye-opener for you because this shows you exactly how he thinks and what kind of a person he is.
Exactly what are you getting out of this relationship? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you're stuck with taking care of a kid and paying for his education when it's not even yours, you're stuck with housework, paying the bills, cooking, cleaning and all this while working hard for a living... And what does this man do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The aunts who pointed out about gender roles are absolutely right. He thinks it's not "man enough" to clean. He also thinks he's doing you a big favour by cooking because that too isn't his job but he's still doing it. Yes, he has a terribly big male ego and it's bruised but he's still being insolent. He knows you hold the reins when it comes to money and he's being an ass about it.
Do you really think it's worth putting up with this regressive, difficult man? I've seen men like this and trust me, is not worth it. It's just not.
Be slightly selfish but look at it this way. You have everything going for you while he's a single father who's struggling to make ends meet. While it's very nice and kind of you to put up with him and try to make it work, there's no reason why you should, when there's no effort from his end. Think about it.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 A relationship is a 50-50 partnership . If he can't or won't pick up after himself or earn some money or at least wash dishes once in a while. Then you don't have a relationship you have a large teenager living with you.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (6 May 2016):
Relationships are about 2 people and it seems like you've done more than your fair share in this relationship. Such is the world we live in nowadays when job losses happen often, we struggle with finances etc That's life! And your partner needs to pull his socks up and take more responsibility than he does.Housework is a no brainer. He lives there too and if you can't do the housework for whatever reason, he should have no problem doing more. Lazy and ungrateful! You have been supportive of him and a little extra house work is too much for him? You need to sit him down and make your feelings known. He needs to start pulling his weight and do more to sort his life out. Until then, housework won't kill him! Years ago when I started university I dated an older man with money (that's not what I was after though), he was generous with his money e.g took me out to dinner, away on trips etc but I put my foot down when he tried to give me money. I appreciated all he did for me but felt guilty that I couldn't do the same for him being a poor student. As a mature student I had worked before so always paid my share when it came to dating. But I couldn't as a student who was always broke. So to show him how much I loved and appreciated him and all the nice things he did, I used to invite him over for a home cooked meal almost every evening, offer to do his washing/laundry (no big deal as I was doing mine too) and I used to give him massages which he loved. I even cooked him and his kids Sunday roast dinner a few times which made him really happy. He even joked that he felt like a King being treated so well. These were small inexpensive gestures that he appreciated. That way he didn't feel taken for granted and I felt like I'd contributed in some way to the relationship. Your partner needs to do more. By sitting down with him hopefully you can come to a solution. He definitely needs to changes how things are.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 This guy sounds like someone straight out of the 1950's with his ideas on gender roles . . . personally I hate guys who imply that cleaning etc is a woman's work. What the hell right?! Why is it too much for the guy to put a vacuum to the place or make sure its neat and tidy (you didn't ask him to rearrange furniture in the process). If I were in your shoes I'd also be well annoyed because in this day and age life is supposed to be shared meaning even stuff like cleaning shouldn't just be left to just one partner. After all you've done for him over the period of time when he really needed help, he just turned around and flat out refused to put a hand towards the household chores?! My word! I get that I'm rambling on but this is just such a touchy subject with me. He should help you. He really should be helping you. It's not like he even offered, you did ask . . . in a polite manner as I'd imagine. I think you need to speak to him about this in a calm way. Just lay out your concerns and ask him to pitch in. If he can't even do that (something that is so simple to do that will prevent losing the relationship you two have which isn't even worth losing a relationship over on his part) then I'm afraid he may not be the guy for you in the long run.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 First off if he cannot afford his child to be in private school then he should remove them in to a state school not depend on you. You where kind to him supporting him and his child and that makes you a good person, but he was not kind to return the favor. He simply did not want to clean the house, don't allow him to walk all over you. If you are not happy footing all the bills while he lives their then ask him to move out, if he cannot help with the house work while you are out working then I would refuse to have him live with me. If he thinks it is unmanly to clean the house, then he needs to realize he cannot smooch off you and keep his ego along with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 May 2016):
 Yikes and you continue to live with this guy?
One thing is if you two were married, but you are NOT. YOU are left to hold ALL the bills and do all the cleaning - and he can't even for ONE week-end be bothered to clean?
I do think Denizen has a point, as to why your BF is refusing. He thinks it's emasculating to clean. It's ... "woman's work", he already feel like the weak link in the relationship - and HE is the weak link.So his MALE pride is more important than helping out ONE week-end. My guess is he might think that if he does it once, you will expect him to do it again and again. (which let's face it would be fair enough, to SHARE the chores).
I think I would sit him down and talk it over. I don't really think he is in ANY position to say no. Sorry, I don't. If ALL him money goes to his child's school, then he NEEDS to pull him out of the school OBVIOUSLY because where would he be if he wasn't (sorry) mooching of you?
This would be a total no-go for me.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 May 2016):
 This is a personal matter for you to thrash out with him. You say he claims to do other things around the home. He has refused to clean on this occasion. He cooks you tell us. But you are upset he won't clean.
Is the problem that he can't pay his full share atm. It sounds from you as if his child is in a fee-paying school. He will need to withdraw him at the end of the school year and let him start state school if his salary is still falling short.
Sharing work in the home doesn't necessarily mean covering the same jobs. However I think this time he might have acceded to you wishes. It may be a bruised male ego that has drawn the line here. You are the potent financial force and he can no longer hold his end up.
You need to have an adult conversation about school and the future. When you are both in the money again you can hire a cleaner.
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