A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I recently went out with a girl whom we share mutual friends. I kissed her goodnight and later on she texted me what a pleasant time she had. The next day I texted her something about wanting to kiss her again before some party we were both invited to. And she texted me back 2 Days Later saying"Hey how's it going.Sorry I think stuff like that makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I'm just not sure how I feel but I def enjoy hanging out with you and would like to be friends for sure I'm just never sure about more than that right away"No I'm busy that day and see the preview for the text message and don't really feel as though it deserves an immediate response. She then proceeded to text me random things at various intervals throughout the day. Such as "hmmmm ok" and " I hope u weren't intentionally Ignoring me but oh well if you are"So I decided to text her back just so that she shuts up and I say "I don't have any reason to ignore you. If I don't text you back immediately it doesn't mean I'm ignoring you. Just that I'm busy. The last 24 hrs have been very demanding. Now as for your messages, I not only appreciate and empathize with your sentiments, but concur wholeheartedly."She then replies, "Aw thank u! I felt bad if I had upset u with my delay at first" and proceeds to make small talk about the grilled octopus that I ate the night before. (something she spied from my Instagram) Long story short, the above conversation happened on Wednesday and we were both supposed to go to a party on Friday. I decided to blow it off and go out of town instead. Now our mutual friend at the party told me that she was making out with some guy and that the next day she went out with him and had sex with him, she even gave her the details on his dick size. And how do we know all of this because she loves to talk and had no problems telling this to my friend which she probably didn't imagine would tell me. The same friend told me that she told her boyfriend how many guys she's dating and how badly she wants a boyfriend.Now yesterday evening banging some guy she texts me, "I thought u were gonna come to the party last weekend! It was awesome" she then proceeds to make small talk about my trip asking me if I drove or flew and who I was visiting, most likely because she saw a picture of a very attractive female friend on my Instagram.Now my question is why exactly is she texting me? Am I next in the queue? Honestly I was perfectly content to never talk to her again, now I'm curious to ask you all what you think her deal is because I'm pretty sure she'll hit me up again and I have no idea why.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2016):
 She might think she is a "Pokemon Master" and the game is to "collect" male admirers or male attention, but she ought to know that it might also BE the reason SHE is still single.
However, why she is doing it, who knows. I wouldn't waste another minute on her. I would block HER and let HER be the one to wonder.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): Why don't you "ghost" her. Block her and ignore her messages. Seems simple enough.
You don't want to be one of a set-her motivation for texting(if she wants to make you an addition her Pokemon collection)-shouldn't really matter!
Unless you like the drama...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 May 2016):
 People with drug and alcohol addictions function as two people, literally day and night. They are functional during the day because they have to work. Then at night time they go into another world and forget everything. The guys that she picks are also from two worlds. Ones that care about her emotionally, and others who are destructive, and exploitative. If she's high on cocaine, she can't really consent to sex. The guys who fuck her do not care about her or can give her the attention that you can.
I don't think she's playing you with malicious intent. More like, she has some dark side, and knows that she can't offer you the love you need.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (8 May 2016):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I feel like I need to throw some more information out about this woman and how I decided to you and go out with her in the first place as well as other activities he partook in at this party.Now, the first time we went out it was a quick little date just to get to know each other. I personally don't really enjoy dating and for weeks never really asked her out because I was busy with work and find it annoying, but eventually conceded that I should go out with her at least once. We did, it was nice. She texted me immediately after saying what a great time she had and how nice I am and excetera excetera. Now for the next few weeks after our first date she would text me all the time asking how I am and what I was doing later in an attempt to go out again. Like I said before I find dating tedious and annoying so it wasn't very high on my priorities list. Eventually though she hit me up on a free Sunday and I decided to go to the movies with her her suggestion by the way.We went have a nice time I took her home just to get by and the rest youre all pretty much aware of.What you are however not aware of because it is it was not relevant is that at this party I was informed by my friend that she did a large amount of cocaine is apparently a big fan of it and said something about bringing the "party favors" next time. Now the way it was told to me this was not some drug fuled Bender, but a low-key house party with our friends band... someone happened to bring some and she did the Lion's Share.She then "disappeared" for the remainder of the night, which she later told our friends she was making out with some guy, whom she went out with the next day and proceeded to fuck.All her prerogative. Whether or not it was appropriate for her to do was never the question or the issue my question was why be so gung-ho about us going out and texting me all the time? Let me be honest in telling you that she was very persistent in pursuing me. Asking me to the movies, texting first, etcIf she wasn't feeling it she really could have just left me alone especially as I wasn't running full steam ahead toward her. So after this lovely weekend of alcohol cocaine sex... she hits me up a week later and asks why I wasn't at the party, because apparently it was Sooooo much fun? My issue is if you're fucking or dating however many dudes at once, which she seems proud since she freely divulged this info to our friends, why do you feel the need to pander for my attention? If you want to "friend zone" me just go ghost and go away. Call up any of your others or the dude from the party you fucked. We were never friends before and our relationship has only ever been potentially romantic.So there's very little tying us together. I rarely go to the parties I'm invited to anyway so there's very little chance of her running into me.I think she just wants attention and is collecting male admirers like Pokémon. However I don't care to be one of a set.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 May 2016):
I meant how hard it is to find a good guy as a boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 May 2016):
After your update, I think she's not romantically interested in you. I am not sure what pleasant time means, but it sounds more like a mellow, friendly term. It's friendzone, not dead zone. While some people say "let's be friends" to soften the blow, but actually they just don't want to talk again, there are other that like to string people along for ego stroking purposes. You can be there to emotionally support her when she needs it. You can open the car door for her, listen to her sexcapades (yikes) and dick sizes, and how awful it is to find a good guy as a boyfriend.
Well, if you knew how she really is, you wouldn't have wanted to kiss her. When she said uncomfortable, maybe she meant she's nervous to show you her real self because you won't like it.
Just stop talking to her. You know, this is another story how finding a date amongst mutual friends does not work. I know even if you don't find out stories from your friends, the truth is there and you are bound to find it. Still, I rarely hear dates set up like these end up well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 Oh jeez, don't go all "mr nice guy" on us. It's not like she owed you anything just because you opened the car door for her. You weren't exclusive, she was free to date and have sex with whomever she wanted. The "fault" here is that you didn't state your intentions from the get-go, not that you opened her door.
Btw, who wants to be treated like they are made of gold? I can't think of anyone who would have liked that, let alone from a practical stranger. It seems iffy. Treat people as people. But, I guess that was just your figure of speech. You respected her, and feel that she disrespected you by... dating/sleeping with others. But you and her barely knew each other and had made no promises. On the contrary she told you point blank in a message that she wasn't thinking of you romantically yet. Just friends. Which says it all.
I thought you had blown off your date with her since you wrote you decided to "blow it" and that she asked why you didn't show up. Clearly she was expecting to see you. So my guess is, you weren't there, and she made due with another bloke who was there! No big mystery really. And no, she and that other guy are NOT an item. She blabbered about him to her friend the very next day, so she obviously didn't have plans to date this guy.
I am a firm believer in ditching the stereotypes and double standards. Women get to sleep with who they want because they want SEX, not because they are "desperate" for a boyfriend. Women have sexual needs too. She slept with him because she wanted sex, not because she was desperate to make him her boyfriend... This is a grown woman we are talking about here, not some whimsy teenager.
Anyway, if this isn't the type of woman you are interested in, just be happy you found out so soon and write to her that you only date exclusively, and therefor don't believe you and her are a good match. Next time, get that whole "exclusive dating" out in the open from the get-go. We're in the ages of online dating, where people DO date multiple people at the same time, just in order to figure out of they have anything in common or not. It's different if you were romantically interested and then began to date. When you don't know someone already, you start from scratch, and it's acceptable to date several at the same time UNTIL it becomes romantic. And you need to state your preferences from the beginning. If you only date one at a time, you need to say so. If you want exclusivity, you need to ask for it or demand it, not just believe that people will read your mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 May 2016):
Exactly.
People can "seem" great on "paper" or through the rose tinted glasses of friends.
My guess is those mutual friends were over simplifying things. She was looking of a BF (supposedly) and you were looking for a GF so win/win in their book. Now that might have worked if you were both 10. You are both adults so you both have a bunch more preferences, likes, dislikes and in her case, I think insecurities. Something that isn't always obvious at a first glance of even the first few meetings.
My advice? Go slow, but IF a woman says I rather be friends, CUT it off. Because it means she isn't into you, but doesn't have the ovaries to be honest either.
Her loss.
And really, you want to date someone who brags penis size with her friends? I mean my female friends and I talked about that in our EARLY 20's. 30's? We were pretty much over that.
I think Soli, that you dodged a bullet.
While I DO agree that people can sleep with whomever they like when they are single and not exclusive - I do find it a huge turn off when people do. Because to me it just shows how little they actually care for the dating/courting process and the other people involved.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (7 May 2016):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, and I get that. Honestly it's like GI Joe used to say "Now you know and knowing is half the battle" clearly I didn't know about these personality traits beforehand, but I'm aware now. You can only act with the information that you possess on hand.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 May 2016):
Honestly, Soli.
I don't thin you made any mistakes (except in asking THIS particular woman out). Having and showing manners isn't a bad thing. And telling he after the second date how you were attracted to her, not a bad thing either. In short... YOU were wasted on a women like her.
I guess it comes down to HOW you want to be perceived.
I say be who you are. Be genuine. Don't play games.
Dating is hit and miss. She was a miss. Chalk it up to a mistake.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (7 May 2016):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, let me clarify something. We weren't supposed to go to this party "together" we were just BOTH invited. I made no promises to attend to her or our mutual friends who threw it. Merely acknowledge that I received an invitation and was considering it, even more so now due to her attendance. I recall her saying it would be cool if I was there so she'd know someone else, but I see she apparently kept herself well entertained that night regardless of my presence. I suppose the fault is my own, calling her instead of texting, opening her car door like a gentleman and generally treating her as if she were made out of gold. Guess all those lessons in chivalry and manners taught to me my whole life by the intelligent southern women who raised me with old school sensibilities to treat women as I would them were completely wrong. Guess it's a good thing I didn't buy her flowers like I normally do. Does any of that fall into the category of showing a woman what you want?Well, if not Lesson learned. I'll totally go to the next party, do the complete opposite and report back.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 May 2016):
Her deal? Youre not stupid, you know the deal. She dates multiple men at the same time, has a need for sex, and if you ask me, that would have been you sleeping with her if you hadnt decided to blow her off. But what about you, what is your deal? At least she is up front and honest. While you are all over her one day waiting kisses, and the next you blow her off and coulndt care less. Decide what you want, before you try to figure out what she wants
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): I'm going to offer you a different perspective. Perhaps she keeps texting you because she IS interested, but doesn't want to move too fast. YES, that is a thing. There are some people who will have sex because they need that basic need fulfilled. Look, you're both grown adults who do adult things. You were not exclusive and hadn't set any ground rules for your dating, therefore don't worry about her sleeping with someone else. Take that out of the equasion. Once you do, all we're left with is someone who won't stop texting you. When someone does this, they're interested and want your attention. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? That's up to you to decide.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (7 May 2016):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm 31 And She's 34.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (7 May 2016):
 I hadn't noticed your age when I read this so I assumed this woman was late teens/early twenties.
If she's the same age as you she is socially and emotionally under developed. She likes attention but doesn't want to be tied down to one person.
She's flakey, immature, and indiscrete. Don't waste any more time trying to figure her out, because there is really nothing there. She's boring and unremarkable.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 May 2016):
She was attempting to take it slow, and be unpredictable in hopes that it would excite you, because she's now a challenge and then you would go pursue her. Didn't work for you since I think you prefer a straight forward approach. Waiting 2 days to text you was to make sure you don't see her as desperate. You probably thought she friendzoned you so you blew off the party. She felt rejected too so she had sex with a guy there.
I still think she is not worth your time because she has no patience and resorts to game playing. She probably is someone who goes to one extreme to the other when it comes to dating men.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 She is not interested in you, she is interested in the attention she might get from you, but she has no romantic feelings. I guess she is playing the field until she meets someone she wants to be with. Best thing you can do is leave her to it.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 I'd say that she must not be very into you if she came up with some story as to why she's uncomfortable kissing you then not long after, she gets with some guy . . . it just seems like she's playing at something, something which if I were you, I wouldn't get myself deep into. Ex, next and pretend you never met :) That's my honest advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 May 2016):
She is not into you, that is for sure. And she knew, but didn't tell you after the first date, as she LOVES to go out on "dates". THAT is my guess.
I think she feels if she dates LOADS of guys she's still got "it". That is why she IS still single and doesn't HAVE a BF.
I'm also wondering why she would have sex at some party she KNEW you might be at. My guess? Again? She had sex with the guy because she wanted attention and YOU weren't there to give that to her. Not that she isn't free to have sex with whomever she wants.. it just reeks of desperation.
Honestly? I'd just block her number and move on. She is a waste of your time. While making new friends is great, that wasn't why you asked her out on a date. Now if you don't want to "rock the boat" and block her, just slowly stop being available over text/phone/Instagram.
And really if she is your age and acting this "desperate" I'd skip her all together.
It does have a silver lining, Solidus. You now know a bit more of what kind of woman she is, and that she really isn't interested in dating you. And that was after ONLY 2 dates... Imagine having dated her for 5-6 months?
You can do a WHOLE lot better.
Chin up, her loss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Shes a player
Players only love you when your playing....
You dont play.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Make sure there is never a third date with her again! She knows what she's doing. She made it clear here in her text:
"I'm just not sure how I feel but I def enjoy hanging out with you and would like to be friends for sure I'm just never sure about more than that right away"
You were dating her in hopes of starting a relationship with her. She is not interested in that with you. What she's interested in is your attention and your affection because it boosts her ego. She is immature. You asked "what does she want?" This is what she wants.
Just because she sees an attractive girl on your instagram and gets territorial doesn't mean she has any feelings for you. Don't read into it.
End your interest in her. She's a game player, and she's not interested in you. Find a girl who doesn't have sex while dating others, because what you want is a girl who saves that for when she's not dating multiple guys.
Even if the guy she slept with is a casual FWB to HER doesn't mean that YOU have to adhere to her "no strings attached" fling with him. In fact, that should and must be a dealbreaker to you.
There are many girls who don't use guys for attention. There are those who if you treat right will treat you like gold. Have patience and hold out for the future "her".
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 May 2016):
 She does not know what she wants, but it is for sure that she does not want you because had she, she wouldn't do what she did but would be excited to get another date with you. If this was me, I would go no contact with her because she is not datable material. I'm assuming you are looking for a stable, committed GF, and if so, she is isn't the one. Move on.
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