A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had been starting to feel so much better about this, but today was hit with a ton of bricks and I'm not even sure why it bothers me.I started "seeing" a guy I had met on vacation to a new school I was going to the next year. "Seeing" is in quotes because when I met him, he had a girlfriend. He never mentioned it, but I found out when I saw his facebook after he friended me when I got back home. He then preceded to toe to the line with me until it became obvious that he wanted to sleep with me. We had phone sex a couple of times, but I told him it had to stop because he was in a relationship. He would agree, then come right back and we'd fall into the same trap until finally he broke things off with his girlfriend.Over the next few months, I talked to him on Skype for 4+ hours a day, visited him about 4 times and we had a lot of sex and Skype sex. He would talk about "When we're together we'll do xyz" and I made it clear that I wanted to get to know him outside of Skype and small visits because you need to get to know someone in person before committing. Plus, I had a nagging feeling not to trust him as he had left his girlfriend before the one he was with when he met me for his next girlfriend. Pattern much? We parted ways for the summer agreeing to see other people and then see how things were going in September and pick it up from there. I went back to the school for one final visit to move my things over for the summer and planned to see him. But before I could see him, I was told he already had a girlfriend. I confronted him about it and he told me it was casual and that she and him would likely just break up in September when I got there and I was being a hypocrite. However, she approached me and it didn't seem that she thought it was casual. I had it out with him and he said "Oh you misunderstood me. I want to be with her and not you. I never meant that she and I would break up."During this time, I also found out I was pregnant and miscarried, which is something that still bothers me to this day. I got very ill and it took me almost 6 months to get back to my original health. I finally told him in September and he wanted to "hang out" although I said I didn't think it would be a good idea. I had started dating another guy and he was still with this girl. He blocked me on Facebook until the other guy and I broke up, the he magically unblocked me upon seeing that I was single (well he friended me, but blocked me from seeing any information until I broke up with my next bf). He then told me he wanted to hang out "as friends" and we hung out a couple times and it was fine. Then we hung out again and started talking about the miscarriage and our relationship. AGAIN he told me he hadn't meant to be with his current girlfriend this long, that he had meant to be with me, that I was so gorgeous, that the sex we had was amazing, etc., etc. and then the kicker--"I think of our relationship like a question mark. I am not sure where it's going and I still have feelings for you." I sort of didn't say anything...then we had an email exchange in which the whole thing was blamed on me, ie "I would be engaged to the other girl if I hadn't met you." "If you had wanted to be with me this wouldn't be like this."Basically I told him to do one, but I was constantly plagued by his new girlfriend. She and I had been acquaintances, but not friends. He and I are both from middle-class families and highly educated....not that that makes anyone better than anyone else, but just so people understand where I'm coming from. She is also from a middle class family, but has failed out of uni twice, used to do cocaine, was once engaged to her coke dealer, used to sleep with a guy for rent and has repeatedly had sex with her guy friends who have girlfriends. She also often gets so wasted that she doesn't know where she is and he has to come rescue her. Thinking about this has made me feel like I must be an awful person if THIS person is his first choice.At any rate, she has paid for his tuition out of her student loan money and pays for him to live in a house alone away from her (whilst he invites ME over to it...which he has in the past). She will bend over backwards for him...literally. He had expressed interest to me in having a threesome and I said I wasn't interested in that at this point in our relationship (to me that's something I MIGHT do if we had been married 20 years, etc.) and then I found out she had not only had a threesome with him but she watched him have sex with another girl. I have no idea why, but this makes me feel seriously ill. I was feeling so much better about the situation until I heard this and it's ruined my night. I don't even know why I care so much.She's expressed interest in being friends with me, but I have no desire to get involved with either of them. However, I found out I will have to see her in the next few days. He says she knows about losing the baby, but he said she knew about other things as well when they first started seeing each other that I mentioned and she had no idea (such as that he had cheated on his ex with me). I deleted her on facebook and she told him she was super upset about it and didn't understand. What do I do? Why is this making me mental?And please don't tell me "Just forget him." I am working on it...but a miscarriage makes everything 100 x worse. I was feeling so much better in the past couple of months and hardly thought about it...but then this news makes me feel like shit.
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broke up, engaged, facebook, his ex, money, no desire, phone sex, sex with another, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not letting him around...I told him to leave me alone 3 months ago, and he mostly has...except for showing up at mine once to which I didn't answer the door. No contact with him has made things better but hearing this really bugged.
I know it's "time I move on," which I had been doing...but sometimes these things set us back don't they?
A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 When you see her be polite, smiley & play dumb. Keep it short and get out of her presence. It's really time you move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. You're likely right. I know it's no who's better than whom and I shouldn't care because he's said as much that he would rather be with me...but as I don't want to be with him, it doesn't matter. I guess it just enrages me that he can do whatever he wants to people and people like her still adore him. Like she does all this stuff for him, but he is still trying to get in my pants? That is disgusting.
And I'm in no way deluding myself to think that if I had taken him back that he wouldn't have found another girl as well...and since they live apart most of the time, he likely is if not cheating, at least having HEAVY flirtations with female acquaintances that live near him.
No I don't want to clarify anything further (through all of this, we were together about a year before I drew a firm line) with him, but I do have to see her at an event. I don't have a desire to speak to her. I don't dislike her, but I don't see what advantage there is to being friends with her or even acquaintances. She and I were acquaintances before and now after all of this, there's no real reason to continue to pursue a relationship. It's not like she was my best friend prior.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (29 June 2013):
Okay separate the miscarriage from any emotions you have for him. You would have ended up a cheated on girlfriend/wife or dealing with a deadbeat sperm donor. It was traumatic, but what is most traumatic is what you are doing to yourself.
You're educated and middle class, he may be of the same standing, however he is pure trash. You do know this yes? Threesomes, lies, cheating...wow he sounds like an amazing catch doesn't he.
You need to cut all ties with this loser. Let the other woman have him. Let him go off and try to fool the next girl. I'd like to think that you have enough self-respect, confidence and brains to see that he is bad news and you deserve to have a much better love interest around.
I think you've let this go long enough and need a counselor to talk to - about the miscarriage and why you let this loser into your life all the time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 It may be hard to forget him but one thing you must do is stop comparing you and the other woman. He is with her because she pays for her college and housing. She is misusing her sexuality to get ahead in life and squandering money on people who are not worth it. She also lets him indulge with sexual fantasies and threesomes. He knows that she's wild and doesn't care if she is wife material. She suits his needs at the moment. Independence from his parents and free sex. She is some crazy character here although money doesn't come easy and out of guilt he stays with her. How often can you come across a person who just make your tuition and rent go away? I mean she is not a bad person. She tried to befriend you, never showing any kind of jealousy or hatred. It's like she has no concept or understanding why there will be awkwardness between you two.
You are feeling very emotional so you are not at a time you can feel compassion towards this woman. She is on drugs, under the influence and letting men violate her. Everyone handles miscarriage differently. It is important that you talk to someone who can relate to you, help you get back on track. Trying to find out why your ex picked her is definitely not going to make you happier. Hope my answer let you realize there is nothing wrong with you. I don't want to sound unsympathetic towards you losing the baby, but I honestly do think that this woman's life is far worse than yours. I must sound strange to you that I feel sorry for her.
Okay, don't forget him but there is no need to clarify things with him anymore. I would understand it if you two had been dating for long, then you broke up and he chose another. In your situation there is no who's better than who, it's clearly that he is a user in every way. A real man doesn't take things for free from a woman.
You feel mental because there is a primal rage amongst women who lose in this fierce competition of gaining an alpha male. It's a survival instinct deep in you.
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