A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having some trouble trying to process or make peace with a differing opinion on marriage between my boyfriend and me. We have been together for about 2.5 years now and the relationship has always been strong, less my self doubt with the marriage issue. We have never fought, we communicate beautifully, sex is deep and emotional. We are best friends and lovers – I feel very blessed for him in my life. But he is an easy going guy who just doesn’t think marriage is relevant. Last year about this time I realized that he wasn’t going to “pop the question.” It began to eat away at me as though there is something wrong with me. He had a relationship with a woman for over 10 years with no plans to marry (on either side), she ended it for what ever reason. We are actually good friends with her and her boyfriend. Along with other friends I have getting married (I am in my 30’s and my Bfriend is high 30’s) my bfriend and I both suspect that his ex will soon get engaged to the new boyfriend. My bfriend is so incredibly relaxed that he doesn’t really care, he is happy for her. I, on the other hand, am sad and jealous. Last year I made my feelings clear on marriage. It was a turbulent year for me, my mother was very ill and eventually died – my emotions were peaked and the marriage difference was one of the things that added to my lowered self esteem. My boyfriend is amazing. Generous, kind, respectful, thoughtful – in many ways he is a dream come true. I feel selfish for being so affected by the marriage issue. I reason it out in my head that there is no way being married is more important than being with a amazing man. He is beyond committed to me and the relationship, so it is not a matter of commitment. Our brief marriage talks are usually unproductive because I am coy about the issue. I don’t want to press it, or push him into something he really doesn’t want. But I tend to think that if his reasoning is that its “no big deal” then he should really consider just how big of a deal it is for me to feel insecure and unwanted by not being married. I plan to have a lucid, clear talk around the 3rd year anniversary. To present a sober picture of why it is a reasonable want of mine – to be married. We are not traditional people – so it isn’t about a big wedding or anything flashy. But I am very spiritual and celebratory and have always envisioned having a ceremony with my partner supported by the people we love. At the core of it, I feel like I am being left out of a process that is meaningful to most of my peers and family (and me) – like I don’t get to go through a right of passage. In march I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend. I am already struggling with feelings of jealousy and that makes me very sad. Then once the ex is engaged (and we will be a big part of the process since we are close friends) I will certainly feel left out. To me I would have thought her engagement and marriage would make him start questioning his opinions on marriage since they both used to share the same ideas (or maybe they didn’t and she never let him know..?)The bottom line for me is that my self esteem is at stake. And my diplomacy with friends who are getting married. I don’t want to feel hurt and jealous but I do. The lack of conversation or assurance of marriage with my partner makes me conjure up reasons for his hesitancy: I’m not the one, he doesn’t see us together indefinitely, deep down he thinks he can do better... This lowered sense of esteem is NOT good for our relationship.I also don’t want to offer an ultimatum. Marriage is not as important as the true commitment. People get married all the time to people who are unhealthy for them, or with little thought – or simply for the sake of making that little girls dream come true. I want to be married to THIS man because he is my hero, my lover, my best friend and the person whose hand I will hold through all the tragedies of our lives. I want to marry him because, to me, that is the symbolic nature of the already instated commitment. I don’t know how to handle this. I basically need to figure out how to help him understand that his apathy toward marriage directly impacts my feelings about our relationship and myself. I would seek advice from friends but they side with me automatically. What I really need is challenging points of view. Thanks, P
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anniversary, best friend, engaged, his ex, insecure, jealous, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. I am not in a rush to get married - it is something I want in a few years. My take on the situation is that both sides need valid and thoughtful reasons. At this point my bf just doesn't think about it at all. It isn't that he has any specific reasons. We just need to talk about it. I tend to think the first response was the most right on. It isn't actually a big deal, but it is something I want in my life. I want the legal security as well as the ceremonial side of it.
There is no rush. I don't plan to leave him over this issue. I would be insane. It is like I want to live in the mountains rather than by the ocean, where he wants to live - i just need to present my perspective and receive his in return. Aren't relationships about some level of compromise?
Thanks for your feedback. Ironically enough after I first posted this I received confirmation from him that his reasoning for thinking about marriage has nothing to do with his love for me. It has nothing to do with me at all. Its just a concept he hasn't thought about and my goal is to present it in a way that is open, honest and not black or white.
Thanks again for your feedback.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 February 2007):
 If it's that important to you, I don't understand why he won't do it. If he plans to be with yo for the rest of his life, why not get married. I think you should let hi kow in a strong way what you "NEED". Some people make it sound like some type of statement that they "don't need a piece of paper" to be together. But, you do.
In relationships we strive to make our partners happy. We're supposed to be the ones to do that. If youmean everything to him and he plans on staying, why not get married?
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (19 February 2007):
 Well, I'm a bit on both sides here. I do imagine that someday I could get married, but on the other hand I can understand your partner not wanting to get married after only 2.5 years together.
I think what you need to do is define for yourself why marriage is so important to you. Even though you know he's 100% committed to you, maybe you have some kind of underlying fear of being left and think that marriage would prevent this? Maybe you feel that your mother would have expected you to get married and that you're doing her wrong by not tieing the knot with him?
There's a lot of reasons for wanting to get married, and you should try to find out why you have this need of marriage, because if you have your reasons clear to yourself, then you can better explain it to your partner (or dismiss the idea if you think you're above your reasons).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): im sorry to say this but your hero,is leaving his options open as a commitment such as marriage,sleeping with you forever he has no intentions of you and him together forever,speak to him soon and tell him its all or nothing,its the only option left if you really want to get married,and find a new hero whom wants you and that marriage commitment
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