A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:6 months ago I accepted a promotion at my current workplace. There was this man who came to my team quite often. I realized all of a sudden I was seeing him a lot even though we do not work together much. I would bump into him in the kitchen, in the hallway, at reception, in the garage etc. He would check me out up and down, look me straight in the eye and give me a big smile. Sometimes it felt like I would run into him 3-4 times a day. Then he would disappear for like 2 weeks. He travels a lot for his work and I do not know his schedule. Lately he found out where I park my car so he's been parking in the parking spot next to me or behind me and I have bumped into him a few times. Mind you he doesn't do this every day but it bothered me because it was a bit too much. I felt he invaded my personal space. We mostly exchange hi and how are you but that is as far as he goes. I now park my car in random spots to minimize this occurrence. When we speak face to face he is all nervous and fidgeting and stuttering. Mind you he is quite senior in the company, I believe he is 9 years older than me so I was taken back to see his nervousness. It was as if he was scared of making mistakes around me. If I contact him for any reason, by email or instant messaging, he responds quite quickly, even when he is out of office. He was the first to congratulate me at 10:40PM on my promotion. The notice went out to the company at 10:30PM.I have observed that he is quite loud when talking to other colleagues and I know someone in his status must be very confident in front of people and groups of people, but when he is face to face with me he is very much reserved, laid back, on guard and his tone is all quiet and shy. I know that he went through a divorce a few years back and has a child with his ex-wife. The rumour in the office is that he is a ladies man and for the life of me I cannot picture this happening! He is possibly the shyest man I know.My questions are:1. Does he like me?2. If he does, why hasn't he asked me out? 3. Is it because we work at the same company?Thanks everyone for your input.
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acne, co-worker, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, shy, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 hi
You are wise and smart. I wish you well in the future and hope it all works out well to ensure your future happiness and job success as well
Regards
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mishmash and Abella. Your insights are very much appreciated. I think it's in my best interest to back off and focus on my work. I am very skeptical on dating a co-worker. I can't seem to accept this risk despite that I am really interested. I am looking outside the company to further my career. If things happen between us in the future so be it, but the efforts would have to come from him and I would have to work for a different company.Until then it's best to dedicate my time and effort to furthering my career.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mishmash and Abella. Your insights are very much appreciated. I think it's in my best interest to back off and focus on my work. I am very skeptical on dating a co-worker. I am looking outside the company to further my career. If things happen between us in the future so be it, but the efforts would have to come from him and I would have to work for a different company.Until then it's best to dedicate my time and effort to furthering my career.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 December 2011):
I am not saying you do not interest him, you do interest him. And you are very interested in him. Otherwise you would never have asked this question.
For fellow employees to dare to say about a senior Manager that he's a "ladies man" is something no one would dare say unless there was a grain of truth to the remark. Or unless they were trying to protect you from becoming the next girl in a long line of previous "ladies" enjoyed by this man. There is smoke rising there and I would take notice of it.
I cannot think of any employee who would dare to allege something untrue about a senior manager. If it was not true and he heard about the rumor the spreader of this rumor would be in serious trouble.
He has not yet progressed your meetings into a full blown connection. But once he does? Then for how long after that will you interest him?
You will probably never meet one of his former conquests in YOUR work place.
Because IF he really is a "ladies man," or a major flirt, or a player or a womaniser, then all his previous ladies have probably left the company. Or she was ever so tactfully squeezed out of the company, once the relationship deteriorated and had run it's course.
His superiors may have even told him to be less of a "ladies man" to avoid attracting a Sexual Harassment claim.
After you have observed him for another three months you choose from your own observations which category he might fit into.
You have mentioned that he holds a senior position in the in the company. He didn't get there by being too shy to "sell" his worth and his skills several times to panels of selection staff on more than one occasions.
He is senior enough to be sent away regularly. That suggests that he has skills and the confidence to achieve certain aims. Maybe he has sellings skills? That certainly requires a high confidence level, not a shy man. He sounds like a very motivated Go-getter of a man. Highly capable and highly successful.
You mentioned that he boldly shifted his car to be closer to where you part your car, to the point where it made you feel your personal space was being invaded. That was a strategic confident strategic move on his part. He had a plan, it had now backfired and you have made it clear you are no pushover.
That was a good move on your part.
And it is not an accident that he is now regularly bumping into you. He is a busy man with much to do. But he is now making time to ensure that he is able to deliberately bump into you.
He is doing that to guage your reaction and create the right conditions for a connection. His actions are premeditated and deliberate. Because this is a style of doing things that he thinks are "subtle" and the strategies are ones that he knows will work. To slowly draw the woman in, as she considers whether he likes her or not.
You mentioned that "he is quite loud when talking to other colleagues". That indicates his own confidence and his willingness to jockey for the power position in interactions with his peers. That is not a shy man.
He IS keeping and eye on you, hence the email sent immediately when you gained the position that you applied for previouly. If he was really truly shy he would have agonised , seriously seriously agonised about even daring to do this.
He is NOT shy in imho.
But instead is effecting an appearance of "shyness" in your presence. He's found it is very useful device to achieve his aims in what he sees as a safe strategy to protect himself from major scrutiny as he positions himself to facilitate a situation to his advantage.
And he's well aware of his position and standing in the organisation.
He does not need to ask you out yet. He can see that you are already interested.
If you can, Back off a little and let him make any move on you. Don't make it easy for him. Then you decide if you want to accept his offer immediatey, or if he needs to work a little harder to interest you.
And please protect your heart to ensure that you are not "reading more positive traits" into who he is, and who he MIGHT BE ABLE TO BECOME to you.
Instead get on with your life and meet your needs for harmony and happiness. Spend time with your friends. Be dedicated to your work at work.
In your own time look after yourself well.
Dress well and professionally at work. Be punctual and well organised.
would you rather be noticed for your professional skills at work, or for the fact that you and the senior Manager are an "ïtem"?
Beyond a certain point in your career you will begin to see that "cute" at work does not work anymore. And becoming emotionally involved with a senior manager will do even less for your career.
But excellent professional skills and being reliable at work will take you far.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): I wouldn't pay too much attention to people's assessment's of his character unless they have substantial information or a personal history with him to back it up.
Men might be called a "ladies man" for no other reason than they attract a lot of female attention....they are handsome or charismatic and so people apply this label to them without knowing anything specific. These men might be shy or might have trouble trusting women, but they get labelled this way because of the stereotype.
Similarly, an attractive women who is charismatic or flirts with men without actually doing anything with them might be called a "slut" even though she's nothing to deserve the label. Meanwhile, no one pays attention to a plain looking girl who quietly enjoys with every other guy she can find. It's a sad, but true fact about how stereotypes work.
I think you already know he's interested in you on some level...and perhaps his awkwardness stems from the fact that you don't make it easy for him. This isn't a bad thing. He might genuinely be intrigued with you and feel awkward because you don't react the same way most women react to him...or because he doesn't feel sure of himself around women. Like I said before, you can be in your 30s, 40s, or 50s and still feel like a teenager at times. I suppose that's why I suggest you analyze your own feelings about it, rather than his. From my point of view, your feelings are more important than his.
If I were literally in your shoes, I'd probably avoid getting close in a romantic way since e we share a professional space (that's a personal preference of mine), but I'd definitely get to know him and chat him up and see how I feel about him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, I posted this because I am interested in him but my head is so clouded with where this relationship will go because (1) we work at the same place (2) he's got baggage from his marriage (3) his rep as a ladies man. I will not be throwing myself at him or any guy.
I really like him but have been advised by close friends that I can do so much better, which is why I am now at a stand still and very much indecisive. I don't want to do anything I will regret.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): "Does he like you?"
He doesn't seem to know you (though he seems to attempt to)...so no one over the internet can really say.
"Why hasn't he asked you out?"
Why should he have to?
"Is it because we work at same company?"
Perhaps.
My question to you is "why do you care?"
You've said much about his behavior, but nothing about your feelings or impressions of him beyond observing his anxiety and fumblings.
If you're attracted to him or even curious about him, chat him up, find him out more about him, or point blank ask him out. Older people aren't invulnerable to insecurities or self doubt...and if you're interested, then at least meet him half-way since he's obviously been trying.
If he interests you only because you're entertained by his attention, then enjoy the flattery and don't think about it so hard.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 December 2011):
You think he is shy, but others are saying he is a ladies man. Don't be fooled. IF he is a ladies man he has already honed his technique to interest the ladies.
And if he is loud in the office he may have far more inner confidence than you realise.
I think he is using a tried and true practised technique to lull you into thinking he is shy and no threat to you. Work romances so often end badly - with the High Status individual getting a fairer deal than the 'newbie'. And often the newbie is a female and she loses her job when the company decides which employee they cannot do without.
He may already have partner that the office is unaware of.
As you are already in your mid 20s that does not seem such a big gap. It would be a big gap if you were considerably younger.
Yes he may be a player, yet if he is a player i would expect him to have already asked you out.
If he is considerably senior to you he may be concerned with it being seen as 'sexual harassment' if he does ask you out.
He may also have experienced a negative outcome last time he did ask a younger girl out in the office and so he is more cautious this time.
Yes I think he is interested and curious about you
However if he is a serious player he may be so experienced and confident, and may already be getting his satisfaction from one or more sources elsewhere and therefore he is waiting until you throw yourself at him (please don't do that) so that he can blame you for approaching him in the first place, if things go pear-shape.
Players learn every trick to maintain their average.
My recommendation would be to be polite and professional but be very very relieved if he makes no approach in the first place.
Instead go out to lunch and get to know someone in another workplace nearby.
Your own professional career in your workplace is worth more to your long term reputation than a work romance with an individual known as a 'ladies' man.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 From what you wrote the signs are all there that he does like you!
There could be a number of reasons why he hasn't asked you out.
I do think that from what you wrote he sounds shy and that subconciously he may feel he stands no chance with you which might explain his stuttering whenever he talks to you!
The work issue could also be another factor.
If your interested in him then maybe you should invite him out, outside of work, inviting some other work colleagues, so you can get to know him better.
Good luck!
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