A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for almost 15 years and we have had good days and rough patches. My husband suffers from anxiety and extreme bouts of moodiness in which is rationale for things seem altered or out of context. My husband is nonetheless a good hearted man who is extremely faithful to me. In recent months though, I no longer recognize him. He has shaved his beautiful hair off going from GQ to looking like a gangster. He's grown a mustache and is unrecognizable to me. To make matters worse he wants to have tattoos done all over his body and tells me he feels like he has been putting up an act for people all his life. He now wants to go ''back to his roots''. The thing is, he left his rocky past over 15 years ago before he met me, and now he wants to go back to that lifestyle! He is a married man in his early forties with 2 young children. He refuses to go to work saying he is ''retired'' while I take care of finances and educating our children.There is a serious disconnect and he says he is preparing for ''Plan B'' which is in case we split up, he would live a completely different life. It almost feels like he is setting the stage up for it to happen and an emotional bomb could go off at any time. At one point I did want to leave him because he could get verbally abusive and it shocked him and made our relationship even more rocky because he feels insecure now more than ever. But he puts up a tough boy image all the time now and says that I am selfish and he wants to put himself first. I do everything in the house however, and I also take care of all the finances, yet he feels like I don't do enough to show my affection. It feels like a vicious circle and I don't know what has happened to my husband. He is unrecognizable, even to others we know well. He says his whole life has been a lie and that he got married and lived a conventional life for his parents and me. I do not feel that this is fair to me and I do love him but I no longer understand what is going on in his head! This almost feels like someone who is transgender and is coming out of their shell. His sense of self-identity is changing but it is straining our marriage. We are opposites in every way and the only thing connecting us is our love and devotion for each each other. I would like to know how to handle this situation. I even asked him what was holding him back from going for plan B now instead of a hypothetical later, if he is so unhappy in his life...I didn't get much of an answer. He always seems like the victim, and he makes me feel like I am the one who makes him feel bad, although I am so respectful and kind to him. Is he trying to find excuses to get out of our relationship which he no longer identifies with anymore? He spends most of his time away from me in the house and when I ask him to come and sit with me so we can spend time together he always has excuses.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 My first thought is to seriously consider divorce - you've already said he used to be (still is?) verbally abusive and now he's talking as though he's planning to leave you and blaming you for the way his life has turned out. It sounds a bit like (unintentional) emotional abuse, OP, because he just isn't thinking or doesn't care about how his words are affecting you. He may want this lifestyle and you shouldn't try to change that, but you either want to be with him with his lifestyle being that, or you don't. You shouldn't have to fund him, so I'd probably leave him if he won't get a job, even if his words and lifestyle didn't bother me enough to leave. He's putting all adult responsibilities on to you and you're letting him - don't, or you'll be dragged down with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): He certainly is fantasizing about leaving the marriage and is pushing you too hard. I can't tell of course whether or not he will ever act on his fantasy, but I'd bet that the most convenient thing would be for you to leave him.He's going through a crisis. He was damaged to begin with (sorry can't find a better word) and you have put up with his anxiety and moodiness. Now he's changed gears and is testing your limits.Even though he left his past behind, there's some part of him that still clings to it. It must me so much more appealing that the responsibility he has as a married man and more importantly a father.I wonder why you stayed given the fact that he has become abusive. That and the fact that you are taking care of EVERYTHING (finances included) is what worries me most. It's not a good sign.It seems as if he had chosen you along with the "right kind of life". So, your comparison to a man coming out is not far from the truth. The only one to blame is himself. Nobody forced him to live a life he has chosen. Nobody forced him to marry you and have children.If I were you (in a way I am) I'd get ready to leave him. It sounds as a good solution for you and the kids.I am married to a man who suffers from social and general anxiety, occasional depression, has issues with anger and is very verbally abusive (all of which came to light AFTER we got married some 3 years into our relationship). I decided to NEVER have children with him as i firmly believe that he is incapable of being a good parent and that he would hurt them emotionally. I really loved and cared for him (still do). But, I can't pretend anymore that I don't suffer from all that negativity and that I don't miss the way I was before we got married. If we had kids, I would have divorced him years ago to PROTECT THEM. Stupidly, protecting myself was never my priority.You don't mention that he was/is seeing a therapist. My only conclusion is that he doesn't believe that he needs one. I won't go into labeling him as selfish, lazy... he has been your priority for years, now you have kids. Do what's best for them and yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 June 2016):
 What is holding him back from plan B is that it is just a fantasy. Reality needs a back up from a solid financial plan. If he is retired, then where is he going to get that money. I am sure you would use your money on your children, and not to fund his gangster wannabe lifestyle. He is going through mid life crisis and reflecting on his life. It can be a drop of testosterone that he making him a little depressed.
Your children are still young, they deserve a father who prioritizes them. If they are over 18 then your husband will be emancipated but until then, he has the responsibility.
He's just dreaming. Maybe he just needs an indulgence in the dream and then he wakes up, realizing that family is the thing he cherishes the most. His identity change is not unusual for a married man his age. It can be found in movies like Bruce Almighty, and the Change Up. Your husband is not going anywhere. He just wants to verbalize it, to process his dream, to feel he has the right to live an exciting or private life.
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