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Why don't I get approached by normal guys?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 August 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 4 March 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm a young woman, and let's just say that I am very inexperienced with dating/guys/etc. I do have male friends but I've never gone on a date or had a boyfriend. I don't get out much nor do I meet many new people, but every single time I get hit on or asked out, it's always by a creepy man on the street, and I'm talking about the ones who smell like drugs/liquor, are extremely socially awkward, and/or are extremely disrespectful and overly sexual. I've been propositioned for sex a couple of times, touched/had my personal space invaded, had photos taken of me without my knowledge (my brother saw a man take photos of me), and followed by strange men. I don't dress in revealing clothing, in fact my friends complain that I dress too conservatively; I don't hang out late or do anything to direct attention to myself. I'm 5'5", not skinny nor fat but slightly curvy, big eyes and big lips, I wouldn't say I'm pretty like most girls but I'm not too bad in the looks department, my big expressive eyes kind of make me stand out though.

It's kind of disheartening sometimes because I've never had a seemingly normal man approach me in a respectful manner to ask me out on a date or to compliment me. I'm not talking just about attractive or perfect guys, I just mean guys who are nice and polite, good people. Makes me think that I'm just not very attractive and that I'll only attract these losers. I unfortunately don't have the confidence to approach guys that I would like; I almost never encounter guys that interest me anyway. Why don't I get approached by normal guys?

View related questions: confidence, drugs

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A female reader, Pixiebreath76 United States +, writes (4 March 2015):

Pixiebreath76 agony auntI don't think it's you who are to blame for this. I think the reason this happens to you is because the nice guys are polite and respctful and won't approach you like that. There may be several guys who like you, but are afraid to approach you. So all you notice are the ones who are obnoxious and have no manners!

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntMaybe you need to give off a different vibe as I don't see it just as hanging round the wrong places. For sure many areas are now hot spots for weirdos and trouble, but in the kindest possible sense the common denominator is yourself in theses situations you describe. It does sound like you may be doing, or not doing, something that is giving the green light to these tossers to approach you.

It may well be that your conservative dress, your lack of confidence both generally and in terms of flirting and the fact you possible come across as not wanting to engage too much with others when you are out and about, makes you a target for dodgy blokes.

If you look like you lack confidence then weird men for some reason see that as a sign you wont either create a scene, tell them to eff off or get cocky and arrogant if they try it on. As a result they see you as someone who is too "quite" if that's the right term to give any agro back.

Im not saying you should parade around looking like you are keen for a fight or think your gods gift, but if you are conservatively dressed and give off a vibe of perhaps (and I mean this kindly) wanting to just go about your business without bothering people and keeping your head down, then you will get weirdos after you.

Many men lack social skills and social maturity. Some men have very warped ideas about how to approach women and cannot see that they way they go about it is both scary and intimidating. Yet they quickly realize confident outgoing women wont stand for it and kick up a fuss if they try it on, so instead they look for the quiet, "looking slightly lost" type of woman. They know that the quite, out on her own, conservatively dressed women are usually too unwilling to tell them to go and do something to themselves and put up with a lot of crap which the weird men ironically mistake for actually getting somewhere!

Avoid eye contact with men who look like the kind you want to avoid and learn to present a confident, independent vibe socially. If you look at weirdos nervously and act timid around them they take it that you wont put up much resistance if they give you an ear full of bullshit.

You sound very attractive but to attract nice, decent men you need to go out and dress less conservatively. You need to learn to give the green light to the men you want to attract and the red light to arse holes, freaks and wankers.

You need to play your part ion attracting a man - simply hoping a decent guy will walk up to you in the street and

ask you out isn't going to happen. You need to go to places where you could meet someone nice, perhaps increase your social circle.

Mark

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (31 August 2014):

Danielepew agony auntI think everyone has made a good contribution so far. A summary could perhaps help: Maybe you attract those guys because of the places you hang around. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you. So, either ask your friends to set you up with someone better than the people you've met so far, or go to places where you might meet nice people and befriend them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2014):

Just get a friend to set you up with someone nice.

I have to say though, OP, "socially awkward" being in your list of guys who aren't "normal" makes you sound picky and snobby.

Have you tried to chatting up someone you find very attractive? It's not easy.

Will all due respect, OP, I find it hilarious when women moan about the kind of guys they attract and that it means they're somehow not attractive and will be alone forever. Newsflash: Guys like to be approached too and we're generally open to being chatted up. In other words if you're not happy with the situation the solution is incredibly simple, you do the work.

See a guy you like, go over and say "hello" and boom! there you go, male attention of the type you want. How hard is that?

Or you can just moan about how unfair it is, wait and hope but I'll be honest with you, girls with your attitude are never pretty no matter how beautiful they are.

Who wants a defeatist with a sense of entitlement that's not willing to take the first step to getting what she wants and expects guys to do all that for her?

It takes a lot more than looking good to attract "normal" men, OP, the ones that care only about that are the ones you are attracting now.

Next time you're at a bar and end up standing next to a guy who is kind of cute, say "hello", break the ice.

Moan, feel sad, feel lonely and ugly, or do it yourself. Pretty simple choice if you ask me.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 August 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntI would hazard a guess that it is not you per se. The world has become a very course and rude place in the last few years. I see it all the time in younger men, they don't have respect

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada + , writes (30 August 2014):

Intrigued3000 agony auntI know exactly what you mean. I've attracted the weirdest men on the planet. For me it was a confidence issue. I think an emotionally healthy man is attracted to confidence in a woman. I found that the more my self-esteem improved, the better the man I attracted. I still attract the weirdos, but I've learned to tune them out and focus on the nicer guys.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2014):

You are obviously very beautiful especially with your big lips so you make the guys around you go a bit feral. There's nothing you can do about it really, but you may have to go after the type of guy you want rather than the other way around.

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