A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 35 year old woman married for the last 6 years and have a 2 year old child. My husband is a genuinely good person who dotes on the baby and me. The problem is that he dotes on me a little too much. Despite being married for 6 years and knowing each other for 2 years before that, he still cannot get enough of me and it is extremely irritating. I know many of you will be thinking, what the hell is this woman complaining about, this is a dream scenario! It is not, trust me.I have a Latin American figure and while I have gained some weight around the middle, I am more or less very curvy. He is constantly grabbing my boobs or my butt. Everytime my daughter is sleeping, he wants to have sex. He is obsessed with my butt and constantly asks for anal sex. Just yesterday my daughter was distracted with a toy and he came and sat next to me and started squeezing my butt. Not only do I find it extremely annoying, it's strange how he behaves. If we go out for a walk, he constantly tells me men are staring at you. He thinks that every man that I have met or am meeting is sexually interested in me. If a man talks to me politely, he "jokes" that the man wants more. What's the strangest thing is that on the outside, my husband is the most unassuming, quiet man you will ever meet. He is a senior official, very learned in his field and absolutely no nonsense with everyone. I don't get it. What is his obsession with me? And I'm not the mistress, I'm his wife! When he is away from me, he will spend hours on the phone talking about my body, how I "entice" other men and what he wants to do to me... And I go along with it because I don't know what else to do. His latest thing now is that he feels my daughter's pediatrician is "after" me. Why? Because the man is polite and shows that extra bit of interest in us. It could just be his thing, that could just be the way he is with everyone, I mean not ever man we come across wants to sleep with me! I am so sick and tired of the "jokey" accusations that I entice men, of having him grope me all day long, of constantly being told how hot my body is. Trust me, it is not amusing. I wish I could sit with him and have an intellectual conversation but no matter how hard I try, it eventually leads to sexual talk.Is there something wrong with my husband? Are most men like this? Or is it just him? How do I deal with him?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2020): I might be wrong, but I think a cuckold would want to hear about your exes and sex with them and wouldn't get mad!
I enjoy touching my wife, but I understand that most of the time that is not what she wants. I have the feeling that your husband would listen to authority, right? If so, maybe if you go with him and talk to a therapist or psychologist the third person can use their authority to get the message through to him that it is NOT good to constantly grope you!
As for him thinking every man you interact with is sexually attracted to you, I think that is the way some guys are wired. He is overly jealous/worried about losing you. At least be glad that he isn't one of these guys who starts fistfights with lots of random men!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2020):
 I think perhaps you need to stop "playing along" all the time. If this makes you uncomfortable you NEED to use your words and tell him.
He he brings up how other men look at you, you tell him, :"look babe, I don't care. I CARE that you enjoy looking at me and being with me, but I AM a person, not a possession or a blow up doll. If they look it means nothing to me."
USE your words her, in your post you ELOQUENTLY put it:
"I am so sick and tired of the "jokey" accusations that I entice men, of having him grope me all day long, of constantly being told how hot my body is. " TELL him JUST that.
When he is away and call, if he KEEPS talking "sexy talk" tell him:" why don't we save that for when you are home, I'd rather hear about your day and tell you about mine."
Honestly? I think HE believes he is complimenting you and that he is proud of having a hot wife. It just get over the top with him because HE thinks you actually like it since you have never told him, ENOUGH.
I think he THINKS it will make you FEEL sexy and thus WANT to have more sex with him.
When he does GROPE you, move his hand. If he asks why or give you a "funny look" tell him;" you make feel like a piece of meat and I don't like it." SHOW him what you DO like. Like, a hug a kiss on the cheek, nose, rub on the back etc. If he doesn't get it - TRY and grope him when he is doing something.
I would also suggest that you SHOW him what you would like in bed. That sex isn't just for him.
First and foremost, TALK to him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (9 May 2020):
 Ignore previous post. Just realized this is the correct post. Losing the plot. Soz.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 May 2020):
Huge apologies. I have just realized my answer is on the wrong post! Doh!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): After I got married my husband kept encouraging me to wear shorter skirts tighter shirts tiny swim suits etc. This was only a year into marriage. Then he began making comments on how other men including his buddies were eyeing me up and how they wanted to bed me. One day I told him that I believe that he wanted to watch me have sex with his best friend and at that point my husband confessed his desire to be made into a cuckold husband. He was very specific that he wanted me to go out and meet men who were better endowed than him, have sex then return home and tell him the details. The remarks that your husband is making to you, sound very much like my husbands. I agreed to do what I was asked to do by my husband. The frequency and quality of our marital sex life and bedtime fantasy talk was much higher. I did have sex with two of his friends, seperately perhaps a dozen times total. It was very satisfying as both were much thicker than my husband which greatly pleased my hubby because of my stronger orgasms!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): This is the op. Thank you all for your answers.To the anonymous lady who answered, I think you may be on to something. Cuckold is something I never even thought about.
He does like to take dirty during sex and often says he thinks I could do with more than one man. I always find this very weird but just I have learnt to dismiss this as one of those things that people say in bed in the heat of the moment but don't mean. The bizarre thing is, he's very possessive about me and goes up in flames everytime there is so much as a mention of an ex boyfriend.
You are also right when you say he is not abusive. Not in the least. He is the most loving, caring husband and father. He has never even raised his voice at me. He also does not accuse me of sleeping with any of these men; he says they want to sleep with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): [EDIT]
Typo correction:
"He may be a lot more understanding than you might think."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): Use your words. You've been talking and expressing yourself since you were a toddler.
Humans communicate using speech. We use words that form sentences. We are all taught a language from childhood; so we may verbalize our thoughts, and express ourselves to others. We cannot read each-others minds; although sometimes we are intuitive. Intuition and guessing often misses the mark; therefore, we use our words!
You're husband and wife. If you don't like something he does, tell him! If he insists on doing it, insist that he stops! At least tone it down!!! For the most part, your husband has his own way of showing his fondness and affections for you. That doesn't mean that you can't modify the behavior to be enjoyable for both of you. If you sit there wincing and squirming in discomfort; while he is annoying the heck out of you. That is only because you won't insist that it isn't pleasant "all the time!" Sometimes it is just too much, and downright annoying!
Will he get upset if you reject his groping? Yes, it may hurt his feelings. He goes too far, because there are no boundaries. He has turned his sweet-affections into aggressive groping and fondling. You are allowed to have boundaries! As I am as certain as the sun rises and sets; he will not hesitate to let you know when you're out of line. He wouldn't be much of an official; if he wasn't a man who knows how to enforce the rules and establish boundaries. He is not entitled to have his way 100% of the time. Too much unbridled power and authority corrupts, and the ego gets out of hand. You are his mate, the one who reminds him when to tone it down. You keep him grounded and stable. He will treat you like one of his prized possessions, rather than his wife; if you fail to remind him to respect you as his wife! Perhaps you are his trophy-wife, and that isn't a bad thing. You just have to keep things in a reasonable perspective.
He is the man you married and exchanged vows with. He is the closest man you will ever have in your life. Why can't you be straight and honest with him? What does his position of authority in politics have to do with the man he is in your home? His professional-life and his home-life are two entirely different things; although at times the two may touch. He may be a little too suggestive or raunchy; but you can adjust his comments to suit your classiness and dignity. Husbands are allowed to be sexy and naughty; not bawdy and disgusting! Not if you're not that kind of lady!
When he starts to grope you, smile and take his hand and wrap it around your shoulders. If he pulls-away and starts to insist on grabbing, get-up and walk entirely out of the room. You don't always have to submit to every annoying move your husband makes on you. You can gently refuse; when it isn't the right moment for you. If he gets angry or belligerent; then tell him exactly why you refused. It is annoying to be pawed and groped constantly. What if you were clinging to him like a lint day-in or day-out, whining like a child for attention? He'd tire of it, and he'd demand you behave yourself. We don't want to refuse the affections of our mates, we aim to please them. It has to be pleasurable for us both! As for the comments about men lusting for you. Stop him dead in his tracks. Firmly say, that isn't true; and it is an insult to hear that all the time. It makes you feel he is accusing you of flirting with or enticing random men. Tell him you absolutely hate when he says that, and it really make you feel bad. Call it for what it is, it is disrespectful to say those things to your wife! Stop being a prissy-missy about it. Speak-up!
Until you tell your husband that these things annoy or upset you, they will continue. It will not stop all of a sudden. It will require you to reinforce your boundaries several times in order to modify the behavior. Reward him with hugs or kisses. Give him smiles, random affection, and reassurance. Promise him that you'll make it up to him. You will miss it terribly if it stops! You just want it in reasonable doses!
Overkill is too much!
Discontinue his subtle-accusations of men lusting after you altogether. That's not flattery, it's not a compliment, it's an accusation in disguise. It might even be an subtle-suggestion that he wants you to; and that's why you should shut it down completely!
When you act like a wife with dignity and strong principles, and set reasonable boundaries; he will respect you more than ever. He is demeaning your authority as his wife and partner; because you are female. He has relegated you to the status of a possession, like his property; and he's objectifying you. Maybe not intentionally; but it has to be somewhat brought under control. It will get progressively worse, only because he can getaway with it. It is a form of passive-aggression. Insults that come at you sideways, or sugarcoated to seem like a compliment. He is almost treating you like a whore. Please pardon the choice of words; but that's what you find so offensive. It makes you feel cheap and unclean. That's why it should stop!
He truly adores you. He just has to learn how to express it in ways that you enjoy receiving it; as much as he enjoys giving it to you. If you are not in the mood, you should ask him to save it for later. Be sure to give him hugs and kisses when he is sweet to you; but when he starts pawing and groping you in a way that displeases you, sweetheart, you must let him know. He may be a lot more understanding then you might think. Even if he isn't, you have to shift things a bit; or you will grow to despise him for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): Sounds to me as if he is into the idea of being a cuckold. I think he wants to watch while another man has sex with you. I think that is why he is constantly commenting on other men wanting you. I think he might be wanting you to reply that you fancy the other man too. I might be wrong obviously, but I had a partner once who was into this and he loved me to sunbathe around other men with not a lot on. I thought it strange at the time as I had just come out of a relationship where my boyfriend made sure I was totally covered up!
I don't think he's abusive and I'm constantly on the lookout for that in these columns. Does he accuse you of sleeping with these men ever? If not, then I think all these comments are because he wants to watch you having sex with another man.
How you get him to stop grabbing you is difficult as you don't seem to want to tell him, forcefully, NO! Have you explained to him properly how you feel?
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (8 May 2020):
 Honestly youre best thing in his life and he knows it. He's a pervert but to his wife. I would try sit him down and try fix this, but that hasn't seem work. You can try therapy. Or reverse psychology . By acting pervy back, it will eventually freak him out and he will suddenly start no nonsense attitude with you. You can either be TOO receptive which actually scares men or you can perve on him see how that makes him feel.
Therapy will be mature route tho.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 May 2020):
I suspect that, at least in part, this is about the universal difference between most men and most women: women need to feel loved to want sex but men need to have sex to feel loved. (I do say "most" as it is by no means everyone.)
I know this is not funny because I was in a similar situation many years ago. I remember feeling like I was just a form of sexual release for him. Regardless of how I felt, he wanted sex and would try to grope me. It wasn't even like he tried to do something "nice" to get me in the mood, despite knowing my "weaknesses". Like your husband, he would just go straight for the boobs or the bum. Yeah, big turn on for most women. Not.
I'm sorry, I really don't know what to suggest. I ended up calling it a day and walking away but I was not married, we had no children to consider and this was just one of the aspects of our relationship which made me unhappy.
He obviously gets some sort of kick out of believing most men find you desirable and want to bed you. Hopefully this will not eventually develop into him actually wanting it to happen. Such a fantasy is completely different to reality.
Can you suggest marriage therapy? Even if he won't agree to go, perhaps just knowing you have considered it will help to shock him into realizing you are not happy with how things are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): Be careful.I am worried about you being safe.I knew a girl whose husband beat her terribly.He broke ribs...her arm...her leg and her wrist.The reason I bring this up is in the start of all this horrific abuse he was acting just like your husband was.Overly attentive of her like jealous of every man she spoke to...even her kids teacher she went to confrences...He would assume she slept with the teacher or if she went to the store she slept with the cashier....then he started to hit her...a slap at first....then some broken bones.Thirty years later she is stupidly still with him..I know he will eventually kill her.It all started the same way your problems did.He also cheats on her all the time..that is why he acuses her.I say get out while you can because this will get worse and by then you might be brainwashed like my friend and be stuck forever in abuse.Just leave..Do not even go to marriage counseling he will manipulate the consuler like he has you.Please escape while you can.
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