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Why does my girlfriend get jealous over nothing?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 December 2011)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

What is wrong with my girlfriend?

She gets way too jealous over absolutely nothing. If I'm with one of my girl friends(Friends who are girls) then she gets jealous when all they are is friends. She has a ton of guy friends but I don't get jealous of her. She wants to go somewhere with a guy friend then I'm fine with it because I know it's just a friend. I never once ask myself if she's cheating on me or anything.

She has broken up with me and then gone out with other guys. Her being with another guy and kissing and holding hands hurts. I have never found someone else since I met her. My feelings for her are too strong to just go and find someone else. She tells me that she loves me and I'm the best boyfriend she has ever had but then goes and gets with other guys real quick after we break up. It never seems to me like she had feelings for those guys because of the way she acted but the point is that she was with other guys and it hurt. Still, I let things slide where she doesn't

Sometimes when we are together and all the time when she breaks up with me she talks about how "hot" and "sexy" other guys are. Mostly celebs but celeb or a local, it still hurts. I never say any of those things.

Yes she is always jealous of me if i even talk to another girl.

Though she felt sad when we were talking about the subject, she openly admitted that even if she had a boyfriend she would be very mad and jealous if she were to see me so much as talk to another girl. She could be with that guy and having sex and everything but if I even talk to another girl, she gets jealous.

Don't get me wrong, she is wonderful and makes me very happy. Happier than I've ever been but what in the world is wrong with her? Why is she always so jealous of other girls?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She was previously abused by many boyfriends and cheated on a lot. She says I'm the best boyfriend she has ever had, but considering how bad those other guys were to her that isn't saying much. Maybe she tells all guys that they are the best boyfriend she has had. All I know is that I don't cheat on her and she knows that. I'm not even the kind of guy who goes checking every girl out or anything. She knows she is the only girl I've had real feelings for, yet she is still so jealous.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 November 2011):

Anonymous 123 agony auntShe's insecure of you leaving her but she doesn't think twice about waltzing off with some guy.

She thinks of herself as a "catch" and somewhere deep down she looks down upon you. You are not an equal in the relationship, she treats you as the inferior one...kind of along the lines of the reacher and settler theory. She feels you are dating someone out of your league while she has settled for you. And because she is out of your league and you should feel blessed to have her in your life, how dare you even talk to another girl?!

You have given her way too much importance and made yourself far too available for her. For a relationship to work, it has to be between two people who are equal and fair to one another. There's no room for any game or the "I'm better than you" situation. Once that comes in, its pretty much downhill.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2011):

Miamine agony auntImagine a kicked dog, who is used to rejection, pain and hurt. When a new owner comes along and tries to love it and treat it nicely, it bites the owners hand and pisses on his leg. Now when the owner goes to pat another dog, our hurt abused dog get jealous and angry and wants to kick and bite again. It's not that the dog doesn't like the owner, but it's frightened to trust again, and it's frightened that some other dog will take the good owner away.

Now a good dog owner, knows how to handle this. It tells the dog gently, no biting, it tells the dog over and over again not to piss in the wrong place, and not to bite or snap. The owner spend lots of time talking gently and being kind.. and eventually the dog learns that the owner is good. The dog settles down and isn't worried or frightened that the owner may one day leave.

This sounds like your girl. She dumps you, but then runs back, because she's only hurting herself, she runs because she is frightened of love and being hurt again. She doesn't care about them other guys, she just wants to show you, herself and the world, that she doesn't need anyone, no one is important to her. But she is lying to herself, and that's why she comes back.

Often abused women (and men) act like this. Maybe some guy cheated on her, maybe she has bad parents, maybe there is some form of sexual abuse.. who knows.

Nope she's not a dog, but she's an animal, a human animal, and human animals all act similar when they've been hurt and are in emotional pain.

Hard to love and deal with such a woman, but if you can, remember the dog owner.. firm and fair, (don't let her hurt you, or disrespect you like she's doing, because then she'll have no respect for you and she will start to look down on you) Be loving and kind, and lots of reassurance that she's important in your life, and your not the type of person to give out pain.

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (30 November 2011):

Abella agony auntIt's not "nothing" to her, sadly.

Gee I am soooo glad I was never born with the Jealousy gene. I know people who are never at peace because they have the jealously gene. Thankfully it is not universal.

But your girlfriend has it bad.

And if she cannot get control of it then it will ruin aspects of her life year after year. Be it who her guy speaks to, be it what brand of car the neighbors now drive (ie, better than her car) or what holidays her relartives take (further afield than her)

Jealousy out of control is an absolute pain.

But she is young to aready be so consumed with jealousy. Once she learns to develop more trust and empathy she may be able to lessen her level of jealousy.

Sit her down for a talk (again!) and explain how strong are your feelings for her.

But also let her know that her jealousy has the potential to drive you away.

Her Jealousy has become a patterned habit.

She thinks it is normal.

In fact she may even think acting in a jealous way is her way to demonstrate her love for you.

Tell her there are better ways to show her love.

Maybe even consider some counselling, though bide your time before you suggest it.

Because her jealousy is CONTROLLING behavior to keep you in check. And it may get worse before it gets better if she does not eventually agree to counselling.

Keep reminding her over and over of your loyalty and your love.

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A female reader, fi_the_tree United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2011):

fi_the_tree agony auntShe's a control freak. She's probably had a string of boyfriends who have gone out and cheated on her purely because she kicks off at them for talking to another female!!!

Wow, this girl is damaged, she won't let you speak to another girl, yet dumps you for the first guy that appears! I mean, are you seriously willing to put up with this????

If you are then i suggest you get this girl some professional help quickly! Otherwise it will just get worse and she will end up telling you that you can't go out anywhere without her.

The biggest thing about this is finding out if she actually likes the way she treats you, nothing will change unless she actually wants to change. I suggest you find this out first, if she doesn't feel she needs to change then i wouldn't waste your time and effort on her...

Good luck!

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