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Why does he need to text other women?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 September 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 24 September 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been married to my Hubby for 5 years, I met him when he was married but he left his wife, before the relationship became sexual.. He is everything a women could want and we have the best time and life together, we have now Bern blessed with a baby girl, the trouble us he can't stop texting other women, one month he text a women 1000 times, I have soft ware on my pc and I was able to read most of them and they certainly not sexual or flirty but when I asked him about them (he didn't know I had seen them) he told me a bare face lie about not hearing from this women in over a year?

He goes through stages where he becomes obbsessed about a girl and he will constanly text them, they ether think he is weird and ignore him or he becomes bored and starts texting someone new, in all his text I have read it's never flirty, he meets these girls through work mainly and too my knowlege he has never cheated?? But why does he constantly lie and hide phone bills? I did confront him once and he just got annoyed because he thought I had looked through his phone and then of all turn on me? Why can't I be enough for him?

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A male reader, msad Australia +, writes (24 September 2009):

I know exactly how you feel.

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with my partner. We have been on and off for the last 6 months because we broke up. During this time and even during the relationship he has been texting and even calling or wanting to meet up with a guy who he was sleeping casually with before me. I know he is still texting this guy and I will never know if they are meeting because I cannot be with him 24/7 and I shouldn't have to be.

How do we know that this isn't a by-product of selfish behaviour? In my opinion, a solid relationship offers a lot, security, love, a life and happiness but something on the side offers something that a relationship obviously does not. I think some people are more than happy not to say anything and continue doing what they do because they are too selfish to understand that another's feelings are being effected. They are too afraid to say anything because they know that once that happens, everything else is gone. They don't want to loose out so they say nothing.

So bottom line is, you need to decide, based on his personality whether or not honesty will prevail. If he has nasty streak of selfishness then I'd consider it. If you were to do what he was doing, the relationship would break down quite quickly. It is unstable behaviour for a loving relationship. We are all human, but to what extent can we use this to justify the bad bahviour of others. If you're in a relationship you consider the feelings of your partner. If this is making you upset and if he is denying it then he needs to stop and consider your feelings. if he doesn't he is being extremely selfish and clearly does not understand the two way momentum of give-take relationship.

Understand too that he has left another woman before and started to see you. It is not yet a pattern but something worth considering. At the end of the day, you need to put yourself first every now and then and if he is constantly putting himself before you in this respect then offer him a choice. There is an extreme difference between a couple of texts and continuous texting.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, friends, family and especially intimate relationships. If he cannot inspire trust in you then he is not worth staying with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009):

I am going through the exact same thing.

My live-in boyfriend is addicted to emailing/texting/happy hours other women.

He has hid the last three phone bills from me.

I think CaringGuy is right, and we need to dump these people right away. I've learned that children are not a good reason to put up with a liar. No I think I've got to put my money where my mouth is and kick him out.

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A male reader, Confuzzled012 United States +, writes (23 September 2009):

Confuzzled012 agony auntI'm sure his exwife wonders the same thing. Why wasn't she enough for him? Nobody is because he can't stay in one place. That's why he cheated on his wife and that's why he's sneaking around mingeling with other women. One is not enough for him. I'm not sure what made you think you were really going to change him into a moral man, loyal as a dog, but you can't chagne people. They have to change themselves and only if they really want to. By the sounds of it, he doesn't want to. Don't take it personally, just make a better decision with the next one.

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A female reader, samurai girl United States +, writes (23 September 2009):

samurai girl agony auntI have to agree with every single word k_c100 typed. He did it with you, so he'll do it to you. If he won't go to counseling, you either live like this until he leaves you, or leave now.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Roadster73 United Kingdom +, writes (23 September 2009):

Roadster73 agony auntsweetheart, come on..?Once a cheat always a cheat?? Maybe he is not ur classic cheater, cause he won't have a sexual relationship before his one is over but I think he's putting the "feelers" out? He sound like he needs constant attention from women? I bet he doesn't text male collegues that much? Sorry to say he sounds like a sleazy slime ball & a slight stalker? I would say run as fast as u can, before u r replaced, because some day some "lady" will take this stalking as attention & before u now it u will part of the ex wife club?? If u think I am wrong?? Just ask yourself did your relationship start in the same way? I bet it did???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009):

hello,

i know im quite young and you would maybe want advice from someone abit older, but what i think is that if these texts arent flirty or rude then maybe he just generally enjoys being friends with women rather than men.

I have been in a relationship for nearly a year now and my boyfriend recently started asking questions about my college friends. The reason is because they are all male, but its not because im attracted to any of them or them attracted to me, i just generally prefer to talk to men more than women i just enjoy the company other than my boyfriend.

And maybe its the same with your hubby. Keep a close eye on the texts he is sending and recieving and if they are just friendly texts then give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Also without him knowing, watch his body language and facial expressions while hes texting these women that will give away a slight bit of emotion on how he feels about them.

I hope i helped you in any sort of way. And i wish you, your husband and your baby girl the best.

xxx

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (23 September 2009):

k_c100 agony auntWell I hate to say this but once a cheater, always a cheater! You met him when he was married and he left his wife for you - so the chances are he will do the exact same thing to you. If a man (or indeed a woman) is happy to leave a marriage for someone else, then clearly they do not value the vows they made to their partner and marriage to them means nothing. Often these people crave the attention of other people and they need that new and exciting feeling they get with new relationships. Thats why he will of left his wife for you - she will have become boring, he will have decided that he is "not in love with her anymore" and you provided the perfect exciting distraction from his marriage.

And now here you are in the exact same situation! I'm sorry but if you are happy to split up a marriage then you should expect someone else to come along and do the same to you. Men like him dont like to commit - simple. And you are very naieve if you think that he has changed since he did that to his ex-wife, if a relationship starts off in such a way then it is bound to have the same ending for you.

No woman will ever be enough for this man, not you, not his ex-wife, and not his next wife. It is up to you where you go from here - but I am surprised that you didnt see this coming with the way your relationship started.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (23 September 2009):

Snooping isn't always the best idea. However, it sounds seriously like your husband is hiding something. This might sound a bit stupid, but he's not suddenly going through a midlife crisis or anything? Men can do really stupid things from about 35 onwards. And he really shouldn't be texting women from work over 1000 times a month. He's got to open up to you, because he's also lying.

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A male reader, called Steve United Kingdom +, writes (23 September 2009):

called Steve agony auntWithout actually knowing your husband, it sounds like he is in need of feeling desired. Not necessarily wanting sex or even friendship, simply just knowing someone fancies him would be enough. Maybe this is an area of your marriage which is lacking? Do you reassure him of your feelings still, have your feelings changed towards him. Does he ever mention that you no longer tell him you lust after him etc...

All this add's up to something that sooner or later he will cheat, whether he has or not is irrelivant for now, the fact is it sounds like he will. You need to talk with im and ask him to be brutally honest and answer WHY he does this...

Without facts you can do nothing, armed with facts you can try anything... if you want to that is!

Steve

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A female reader, Miami Ad-Vice United Kingdom +, writes (23 September 2009):

He probably just like's the attention and the naughty thrill of getting to know other women. But it sounds like he's just waiting until one of the girls he texts wants to cheat with him. Sometimes, you have to lose something to understand how to appreciate it. Maybe, you should leave him and he'll realise how much he needs you and only you.

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