A
female
age
51-59,
*oody1
writes:I posted an issue on the site a few days ago. The link is provided. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-are-soulmates-but-now-hes-ignoring-me.htmlIf you are unable to access it through the link it is under the archive of August 19th and is titled "We are soulmates but now he is ignoring me"I'm wondering why "no contact" is even an option for most men. I am saying men because this is what I'm dealing with in my situation. Are men so out of touch with their emotions that they think its ok to just walk away from a relationship without a word? Leaving the woman they "love" to wonder what happened and where she goes now?I still have not heard anything from this man that I thought was my "soul mate" and a man that wanted to marry me. I sent one last email this past Sunday, apologizing yet again and telling him that I would give him space. I am going to stick to the promise of not bothering him and hopefully he can find it in his heart to contact me again and tell me what is going on. I don't even know if he got the message I sent on Sunday or anything else for that matter. But how long do I wait??We've had a close relationship. I would hear from him every day. We've both been very happy with each other. Granted he does have a lot on his plate right now. He has a demanding job, a nasty ex-wife, kids, finances, anxiety and depression, but through all of this I still love him for the man that he is.My question is why do men feel the need, especially in my situation, to just go "no contact"? Is he under so much stress and is so overwhelmed that he has put me on the back burner? If that's the case, why can't he just tell me he needs that? I am a very forgiving and understanding person and would respect his needs. But with what he is doing right now I question it all.Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 Hi OP. It's not just a man thing. I recently did something similar and I'm not a man. After getting to know the ex better and realising I was getting into a toxic relationship, I walked away. I went silent. Not without huge amounts of guilt attached, I should add. It was self preservation.
There were strong feelings, a very strong connection that felt like "soulmates" at first, but was actually the signs of a codependent relationship. Certain issues came to light and were discussed - he also had a very demanding job, an ex he described as a "bitch", was in large amounts of debt, and he was a heavy drinker - these were too much for me and after discussing them I just had to flee for my own well being.
Perhaps this guy realised his problems are too much, that he can't involve anyone else in his messed up life. I'd trust and respect that decision and gracefully let him go. Some things are not meant to be, as sad as that is to accept.
I'd advise that you protect yourself, put yourself first, redirect that natural forgiving and understanding nature of yours away from him and on to yourself. I'd advise that you accept it's over and mentally flush him. It's not easy, but I think if you make that decision, that it's over - even if he does reappear from his cave - and stop trying to contact him, you will start to see things in a new light.
If he does reappear, please think long and hard about what your future with this man will be like, and whether or not that's what you really want in life.
I hope this helps explain why people can "disappear". I'm not excusing him, just saying that I had to do it and it wasn't easy (it was torture), it was quite possibly very selfish, but sometimes people have to be selfish for their own reasons e.g. self preservation.
All the best x
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 August 2013):
 I don’t think it’s ALL men. I think in your case, that he’s not doing the CAVE thing he’s doing the A-hole thing.
STOP apologizing to this man. HE owes YOU an apology for his BAD behavior. When my husband (before we were married) had life crisis stuff going on… he did not WITHDRAW from me, in fact, he became way more dependent on me for support..
THIS GUY… this man you call your soulmate… is NOT that. STOP being so forgiving and understanding. IF you let him come back after this BAD behavior he will KNOW he can treat you like dirt forever. You will just be back here in a year asking us how to get out of the relationship and it will be even harder.
AT this point.. he’s gone. Delete his info. BLOCK HIM on social media and your phone and email so he can’t worm his way back to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 Personally , I don't believe the whole " men withdraw in their cave when they are stressed " thing- oh yes, some do, but not because they are men,- because they are selfish ,rude, inconsiderate , " all about me " people.
It's a JERK thing, not a male thing.
It's like saying " women are gold diggers who will lead men on just to mooch dinners off them ". Yes ,some do- and guess what, they are not QUALITY women and any sensible guy would not want anything to do with them.
Same as any sensible woman would cut loose a guy who is insensitive and unpolite enough to just go AWOL for unforeseen lengths of time on his ( supposed ) significant other , with zero concern for that SO's feelings.. and the rules of civil communication.
Do not contact him again. Colour him gone. And reconsider this whole soulmate business. I don't know you, but I can bet that YOUR soul needs and deserves a more emotionally mature and less self involved kind of mate.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 Don't contact him again. He is ignoring you and is a coward for not clearing things up with you. He is best forgotten and move on to someone that can love and appreciate you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Men realize how futile it is to deal with an emotional or angry woman; once she makes up her mind that he's wrong.
We will also give up, when we repeatedly attempt to reassure her, and she remains insecure. What's the use?
He also knows once he reaches the top of his temper; it is best to retreat and just cool off.
If you've said your piece; but no one is listening, you might as well shut-up.
Women tend to hear us when we're silent.
Silence shouts to the rafters, that we've had enough of the nonsense; and you win.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): well it wouldn't be called a man cave if we announced everyone about it. if we wanted visitors we wouldn't go there in the first place.
sometimes i walk away without a word too. it happens when i can not reason with my partner and her mind is locked on her own reasoning, with no sign of logic nearby. we don't fight back in these situations because it will lead us to a slow and painful death. we just walk away and try to keep sane.
(I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about myself)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Still no contact?? I think u need to accept its over and be glad it is!!! Do u want to spend ur life feeling like this because he can't handle a bit of stress. Don't contact him again x
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