| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: This isn't a question about a specific scenario but rather a general question in regards to romantic relationships.Because I have seen this happening to me and to some male friends often (and it is a recurrent topic here in DearCupid.com). A guy starts dating a girl and it all begins well and exciting but something "changes" along the line and the girl very subtly starts to display a lack of interest which only seems to increase over time until it's completely over.Some of the "symptoms" of this turn of events are: her not taking iniciative anymore (i.e. not making any contact unless contacted), taking 2 hours to reply to a text message instead of the 2 minutes that originally took her to, claiming she's too busy with study/work or some other lame excuse to hang out, cancelling dates, etc.Of course, one should take the hint and assume the relationship ended. But my question remains, what causes this? I've thought of some reasons likeher somehow losing physical attraction to the guythe guy being too clingy/pushy and available to be interestingthe girl not actually wanting a relationship but rather an ego-boost or an interest display from a male and once it's fed she no longer needs himthe guy taking too long to engage sexually with herWhat other reasons might I be overlooking?Disclaimer: This can totally go the other way around (boy loses interest in girl), but I think it happens less often. Maybe I'm wrong.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, woodlandpirate  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I had a similar experience recently.
Maybe it´s just that the fantasy about how it should be, doesn´t match reality...or the other person overestimated their capability of getting close again emotionally...
Next time, you should ask your self what you want and need out of this and express it.
That´s what I will do...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): I agree with Honeypie and the female anon mostly, guys around your age group or the 18-21 group (which is my group) mostly look for sex/fwb/NSA situations much more often than a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship for a long time because I meet those types more often. I also meet quite a few nice guys but they come on really strong, I met a guy who already saw a future with me before he even talked me (we had a class together) I found that very weird and creepy. I used to take the letting guys down slowly approach. But when I met that one who envisioned our life together I told him straight away that he needed to back all the way off.
Anyway that's just my experience with things.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 January 2014):
 It happens for both gender, this is definitely not a gender specific issue.
HOWEVER, I do think MEN are more apt to TELL a woman that he doesn't think there is a spark whereas women tend NOT to want to hurt a guys pride (or feelings) by telling him that they really don't feel THAT connection they wee hoping for.
I have to say, I don't think MOST women are turned off by a guy who is "slow" to take her to bed. Maybe if he shows NO interest/lust yes, she might lose interest because she thinks he isn't into her.
And I DO think the MAJORITY of females want a partner/BF - not a NSA f-buddy or FWB but many of them SETTLE for those because they think it will LEAD to that relationship they want. And there is the rub. It's socially accepted for a guy to do FWB and NOT wanting to date a chick, because why "buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Right? But when a female does it, she has questionable morals. DOUBLE stand about sexuality still rules supreme.
I think WiseOwlE gave you a great and very detailed answer.
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 In my case the woman had a fear of getting close due to her past. She became distant nearly instantly because of our intensity n feelings surfacing. You gotta feel things out and that comes with experience. Stay up.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 January 2014):
 it doesn't happen less frequently the other way around. it's equal. dating is just a hit or miss. it's a trial run to find your most suited partner. and they may start off hot at first because it's brand new and the person seems like a great match. but as time goes on, even after a couple of weeks, you start to get to know each other, and realize if that person is what you're looking for or not. and this is what makes men and women go cold.
if i can tell in the first few weeks that the person is not what i'm looking for, what's the point in staying? men are this way, too. it's just the nature of dating.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): Sometimes I wonder if the same people write posts pretending to be the opposite sex. I just responded to a post that was your question in reverse. Strangest coincidence! Extraordinary to say the least!
People form commitments too soon. They think they have chemistry; and immediately decide they are boyfriend and girlfriend. They share some hormonal surges, over-dose on dopamine; and immediately assume they're in-love.
They exchange a chain of text messages. Then formulate some far-out notion; this is a measure of a person's emotional interest in them. "If he/she cares, they will keep me updated around the clock." They will constantly reassure my insecurities, non-stop; or the deal is off. Dude, it's just a case of text-message fever. Not love.
Like spoiled brats, folks go berserk over the fact they don't get immediate responses. Like people sit by the phone with nothing better to do; but play text message ping pong all day and night. Miss a few, or get writer's block; that's a deal-breaker.
Seriously!?
Neither gender will allow real love to grow and properly develop. Some just aren't prepared to deal with complication,s and time it takes to fully set in. We often have distorted notions of what it is.
When it doesn't look, or feel like the fantasy they've created; many ladies become disenchanted and confused.
Many have lost touch with reality. They falsely believe, if he doesn't act like the guy in her romance novel; or the way they said he should on her favorite talk-show, he's falling short of what she's looking for. They've settled for the wrong type so long; they fail to recognize the right guy when he comes along. He suffers for the other guy's sins.
They often think they're a prize to be won. Never mind their emotional insecurities, body dismorphic disorder, and a plethora of other media-induced attacks on her self-esteem.
That, and a large dose of male-bashing lessons from disillusioned female psychopaths. Who drove men out of their lives; and are on a mission to turn every budding young female within the range of her voice, into a male-hating shrew.
You're not the "Mr. Right" they've prototyped in their imagination. They have a grocery list of perfect traits and characteristics they think will offer them a happily ever-after. They immediately shoot down the fellows that don't make the grade out of sheer foolishness. No one will ever live up to that imaginary image. Ha ha...they're bad!
Sometimes they come down off the dopamine high in a few weeks, sometimes a few months. They expect the relationship to always feel like a rush. Like any addict, they get used to the potency a drug or alcohol; and develop a tolerance.
The fix doesn't seem to be strong enough anymore. So they need more and more to reach that original level of high. They get disappointed when it isn't the same as it was the first few weeks, or months. It feels too normal.
People have a need for immediate gratification. We're spoiled. We expect to feel good and be excited for extended periods of time. That translates into everything we experience. Including dating, love, and marriage.
We have a short attention span and; because we're spoiled, we bore easily. We watch too much TV, feed on social media, and lose a reasonable grip on reality.
Relationships have ups and downs. It isn't always fun and excitement. There are lulls. However; getting back to my original point, you can't always be the highlight of her day. You have things to do. Places to go. A life!
You get used to each other and come down off the feel-good brain chemicals. It takes more to keep her excited, and you run out of tricks. You grow up and adulthood sets in; then you have to be creative. If she's needy, you never really get close enough; or make her feel safe and secure enough.
Women often go into relationships looking forward into the future. Men tend to move slowing and think in the present.
While you're thinking about how you're going to score on the next date; she's wondering if you're marriage material.
Often you enter relationships enjoying the moment. Some people want to know how long it's going to last. Women often seek some sign that a guy is commitment-oriented.
Whether he sees her as his chosen mate, once and for all.
If they don't see it right off the bat, you're tossed in the rubbish pile.
Women looking for commitment wonder if it's worth their time and trouble. If you don't seem to be going anywhere or your goals seem few; women may lose interest in you. Quickly.
If you're too boyish, don't know how to have an adult discussion about your feelings; and you don't really listen to what she has to say. She bores trying to get through your thick skull to your brain.
If the only thing you seem to have in common is the bedroom; she'll catch on, and realize the relationship has no future. If you act like a tool and don't know when you've said or you've done something wrong; that even a six year-old could call you out. She will throw up her hands in disgust. Your things are packed in assorted boxes and garbage bags, and left on the porch.
Some blindly follow their hearts; but her mother, or her female support-system, will open her eyes. They will help her to realize shortly thereafter, she's heading for a train-wreck. You're instantly placed on a catapult; and shot into oblivion.
Yet some simply have a low threshold of tolerance; if they've been weather-beaten by a long history of losers.
Some are too nice. They let you linger, and slowly slide off like water off a duck's back. They already have your replacement eagerly waiting. Some just let you stay on for the ride; only as long as they can stand you. They make it worth their trouble, by raiding your bank account.
The real lady-prizes give you a 90-day trial/probationary period. They run you through a series of tests and experiments. They make their analysis. They give you everything a good man could ever want and deserve.
They have brains, looks, personality, and strength. They can cook, and drive you wild in the bedroom. Even bring home the bacon.
So when she dumps you; you feel the sting, and realize what you've lost. She saw through you, you didn't fool her. You gave her your best game; but she still penetrated your facade. She completely makes an about face. You'll never get her back. They know better than to waste their precious time. If their gay-male friend doesn't like you. You're history. If you like him too much, you're history.
Much of the time, a guy doesn't realize the prize he has found; and he takes it for granted. He thinks showing what he truly feels is giving too much, or being too vulnerable. He feels entitled, and his ego swells out of proportion. He feels if he managed to sack something like this, he can get anything he wants. His cockiness shows. She loses interest.
If she can't figure out where you're coming from, and she is getting mixed or uncertain signals; she'll write you off as a tool and move on. They know nature doesn't offer them the limitless ability to procreate. They know men are visual creatures, and as their looks fade; so do their options. They're learning not to invest their feelings and waste their youth on a man-child.
It's better to face the pain of letting him go; then hang around wasting away. While he can look forward to having many choices of mates and conquests into his 50's; while she will only have as long as her looks and body hold out.
Girls lose interest because they realize they don't need men. They aren't their grandmothers or mothers. They pursue their goals in a different way. They know time isn't always a friend, so they know better than to waste it.
Unfortunately, there is a wide selection who will never learn. They find the greatest guy. Pile their baggage on top of him, run him into the ground, draw the very life out of him; then wonder why he left in such a hurry.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 January 2014):
 "This can totally go the other way around (boy loses interest in girl), but I think it happens less often. Maybe I'm wrong."
Yes, I think you're wrong. Happens all the time on both sides for a lot of the same reasons, the chemistry isn't there, too clingy, not what they thought it would be, etc.. etc.. I don't think it is more common from one sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (3 January 2014):
Women of today are different from a generation ago.They are only doing what men have done across the ages and got away with it.Women are far more empowered today and know what they want.It's not compulsory to marry, have babies be behind the kitchen sink or being a homemaker these days.You'll have to put up or shut up I'm afraid.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): You are actually very wrong. Boys loose interest less than girls? You must be joking. :) Most boys your age don't even look for a steady girlfriend, all they want is to get laid as much as possible, it's a well known fact. First on their mind is sex, and then.... May be... Only may be if he is soo taken by a girl, the relationship happens. Most girls your age are looking for a relationship, almost none just want to have casual sex. So, statistically boys get cooled off in much higher quantities than girls.
There are several reasons why people get cooled off. They get to know each other better and with that comes disappointment. They get bored, novelty goes away, many reasons.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): Hey, of every thing I have read on this site, your question, is right on, men go through, what you wrote, over an over again. And I want to hear, what women has to say about this, I know too, that women has this happen to them also, but, a women can go out any night an pick up a guy, if they want to that is. But guys mostly have to take what they can get, you go to a bar, find a table of single women, an ask them, how many of them, would like to meet a nice guy, they would all say they would, but then ask, how would they treat them, they would say like s t, how would you treat a bad boy, they say they would fall madly, in love with the bad boy, so women tend to like a guy, but then its like a light switch, they can turn it off, with no feelings atoll, an then the guy wonders what he did wrong, buddie, only women could answer, what you ask, but then when does a guy get the answer from a women, that his heart is hoping for, no, cause there on to the next guy to do the same thing all over again, till that bad boy does the same thing, to them, what goes around , come around. I hope you get this, cause I do know how it feels, an ladies, I do know it happens to you girls too. Some have hearts, an some are just cold hearted, with no feelings.
...............................
|
