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Why did I cheat on the perfect husband?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, *ourtneyRB writes:

Why did I cheat on the perfect husband?

I have been married for 4 years with a man I love dearly, but I cheated on him for about 1/2 a year with a former co-worker. I only did it for the attention so I changed jobs. I love my husband and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did to him. We lost our home due to a fire and are living with friends until our home gets repaired, which has put a lot of stress on both of us. I have become very jealous and self-conscious. I am always checking his cell phone, email, calling him at work. I imagine that if I was able to cheat on him and he has not found out, the same could happen to me (Karma). But with him I imagine that he will fall in love and leave me.

If I love my husband so much and I would describe him as the perfect husband, why did I cheat on him? If my husband is not doing anything wrong, why do I keep thinking he is cheating on me?

View related questions: at work, co-worker, jealous

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

The jealousy and paranoia you feel is your guilt about what you did haunting you. It doesn't mean he's actually cheating on you. The mind can be a funny thing. When we are capable of doing something ourselves we assume the people around us are too.

Why did you cheat on the perfect man? Well, maybe you feel you don't deserve him. Do you have low self esteem? You said you did it "for the attention", which makes me think so.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

Hi!

Well, it happens! If we put someone through a bad situation, we always anticipate that some day or the other we would also be in the receiving end.

In your question you said that you were attached to the other man because of the "attention". This is a dangerous space. Even when you're happy, during long relationships or marriages, our spouses grow too comfortable and might even take us for granted or won't give us the attention we crave for or worse we might even get bored of our partner. This is where the problem starts!

Even I committed the same mistake, but the bigger mistake was telling my husband about it. Now every time some argument pops up, he brings in my infidelity as a conversation killer.

Get your mind off that Karma stuff. Because you've already committed a mistake and further by rethinking about it or having suspicious attitude regarding your husband, you're worsening it.

And since you've cheated, doesn't necessarily mean that your husband would do the same. If he does, you'd know. Cause women are gifted with wonderful gut feelings. You won't need emails or phone for that. His behaviour would be the first tell-tale sign.

My advice would be get your mind off on something else like exercise or some recreational activity. Don't stress over what could be, value what it is right now. You'd be fine!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015):

I don't have an advice but I just want to share something.

I have a similar dilemma but a little bit differently. I think the reason why I got inolved in an emotional affair is because I never really loved my husband BUT since I married him in church and he is a great person, I am TRYING to see if I can still commit to him 100% and more because I made a vow to God. Though I've never had sex or kissed the other guy, it has brought an emotional strain between me and my husband. I don't like divorce because I was raised as a devout Catholic who believes in preserving marriage but I think it is worse to stay married if I know that I would be vulnerable to committing adultery. And if we don't have the right foundation to begin with, that is why there's annulment. I was emotionally unprepared for marriage, my reasons for marrying was because he begged me to and I didn't have the heart to say no. In any case, I still would like to try and see if I can live with him and if this is the life I want for myself because any other girl who would want to have a family would be lucky to have my husband. But by staying with him, I'm not sure if I'm making things worse or not. I made a mistake. How it will be fixed is still the million dollar question. First step for me was to stay away from future temptations AND spend more time with my husband.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015):

I also disagree with the anon female. What your husband deserves is to know the truth and make up his own mind.

Suppose you find 10 people who say they would rather stay blissfully ignorant in your husband's shoes. Try counting how many of them are men who have not cheated on their spouse. Probably not a single one of those 10. Most men want to know the truth in your husband's shoes. Faithful men even more so. Every day he doesn't know, he lives another lie against his will.

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States + , writes (29 October 2015):

dougbcoll agony aunt " if my husband is not doing anything wrong , why do i keep thinking he is cheating on me?" because it would ease your conscience about your adultery that you committed on him. it would give you an excuse not to confess to him that you cheated on him in a six month affair.

"i love my husband and now i can not stop thinking of what i did to him." you are ate up with guilt because you know what you did to him was wrong, and how it will hurt him.

you have two choices you can keep it hid from him, or you can confess it to him.

i will ask how will he feel if he finds out from a third party, or you decide to tell him much later. will that make it any easier on him?

trust is a hard thing to get back after it is broken. guilt is a hard thing to live with.

if you confess to him, he will need to see that you are truly sorry, and love him. the ball will be in his court to make the decision to forgive or not. but don't expect him to put trust in you, it will take time.

there is no easy fix. you can hide it or confess it that is all you can do. you have to decide.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

Garbo agony auntYou answered your own question: you cheated because you got more attention from your coworker then you husband. Maybe your husband did not pay attention to you enough but you mistook that lack of attention for commitment. So instead of working with your husband to get attention you wrecked your commitment and bonds of love.

Generating attention and watching a man desire you is what, most often, builds sexual desire in a woman and you found that desire more valuable then your husband. However, sometimes, after having the sex with that coworker, you realized how deceived you were, how you screwed up the bonds of love even though that you may have realized, as result of that affair, that your love for your husband is bigger then you thought... so you have a guilt trip now because you tore the bonds but yet you realized you love him.

But you have to realize that just because you were capable of pursuing lust it does not necessarily follow that your husband is the same. Just because you cheated it doesn't mean that everyone else intends on doing the same. So you are badgering your husband with mistrust for the very same actions that you did. He is not the guilty one, unless you are hoping that he is so that your actions can be cool stories as revenge sex.

Here is plausible scenario: Perhaps you are hoping that you will catch him cheating so that, ha! He is just as guilty as you are so you have less guilt glued on you? Or perhaps you hope he cheated so that once you confront him you could claim your affair as revenge sex, and this get your guilt off your chest. I am not saying that this is for sure, but your actions in this tragic case always had a particular and deliberate aim, so as someone with no strings attached to this I can see how these are possible.

Otherwise, if you are to tell your husband outright, without catching him cheating on you, I think you know what will happen.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

Fatherly Advice agony auntCourtney,

Frankly, I disagree with anonymous female.

He deserves the right to choose. He deserves to know why his wife is paranoid. He deserves to have a relationship with a person he can trust. He deserves to know who is the father of his children.

Secrets and lies will kill the relationship as surely as cheating.

You asked two questions:

Why did I cheat on the perfect husband? Because you were weak and selfish. You consciously chose temporary attention over long term security. You continued to Cheat because you became addicted to the thrill of getting away with fooling your husband. Your Thrill High was more important to you than his happiness. This is pretty common among people in your shoes.

Why do You keep thinking he is cheating? Projection, Because you got away with it, you think he could. Because you liked it, You think he wants it.

We really don't know his side of the story. All we can do is address your side. You need to fix you, and that can't be done by sweeping it all under the rug and pretending nothing happened.

I would strongly suggest you take this to a forum that handles this type of issue more frequently. You can PM me for a link.

FA

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015):

You screwed up, and now you are projecting your bad behavior on to your husband.

I think you should go to see a counselor on your own, to deal with your insecurity coming from the affair you had.

Also, I normally would say that your husband has a right to know what happened, but I don't think so in this case if the following is true:

1) If all is over between you & the other guy, and there is no further contact at all now or in the future.

2) You have been tested & cleared of any STD's.

3) You are not pregnant with the other man's child.

If those are all 100% true for you, then you should deal with your guilt and insecurity on your own. Get help with it, because it could become a self fulfilling prophecy if you keep smothering your husband by checking up on him as you describe. He did not break your trust, you did that.

Start being a good wife to him which is what he deserves.

Best of luck, I hope you can get past this.

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