A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had a 5 year on and off relationship with my exboyfriend as he was seeing other women. I confronted him with evidence 4 months ago. I walked out for good. He send me email saying that his flat feels big, cold and empty without me.I sent him an email 2 months after getting his email (I was following no contact rule) and I said: Thanks for your email, but I was serious when I said I needed space from you. He has not written to me since then which was 4 weeks ago. My friend says that he does not care, but I think he is listening to me, what do you think?I love him even though he is seeing other women, I know that I should move on, forget him and under no circumtances to take him back as he will never change, he is born liar and womanizer. At 48 he has never been married.Why can I not move on? what is the matter with me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): "I love him even though he is seeing other women, I know that I should move on, forget him and under no circumtances to take him back as he will never change, he is born liar and womanizer. At 48 he has never been married.
Why can I not move on? what is the matter with me?"
You have absolutely zero self-respect and so you're willing to continue settling for the crumbs he'll gladly continue offering (false fawning flattery and non-exclusive access to his penis). You need counselling to understand and overcome the long-term issues sub-conscioulsly driving your self-denigrating behavior.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 April 2012):
 It's only been 4 months, so that is perfectly normal. And I think you telling him to back off was good. His e-mail to you wasn't about you, it was about HIM and his NEEDS. There was no apology, no remorse. So it's not like he thinks HE did anything wrong. He just wants it to go back to "normal" where he got his cake and got to eat it too.
You were with him for 5 years. That is a lot of memories, good times, bad time and shared experiences. Even if you wanted to, you can't just put those in a box and move on. that takes time.
Start by accepting that dumping him was the RIGHT thing for you. Accept that he will not at any point in time change. Accept that he is NOT the man you wanted him to be. And forgive yourself for whatever "grudge" you hold against yourself for dating this guy for 5 years.
And when you are ready, start to let it go and find what makes YOU happy. If you can do that, finding a good man may not be so hard.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 What you are experiencing is normal. When love ends, it can be a very traumatic and painful experience. After four years, you have invested serious emotional and time commitment.
Unfortunately, your ex-boyfriend isn't a keeper. Not only was he playing games with your emotional life, he was risking your health and even life. When he sleeps with other women, he is potentially bringing something home that could ruin your life. Part of your healing process is realizing that you can't fix your boyfriend and what he did was the ultimate in betrayal.
Also, you need to realize that your boyfriend isn't going to change, despite his current sufferings. At 48, he should be over the playboy stage and he doesn't need to sow his oats when he has a keeper at home. Your continuing to email him and keep in touch with him, is akin to peeling back your healing wound to see how it is healing, only to causing yourself not to heal. You are playing games with yourself -- wondering if this relationship has a chance (and only you can decide that if it does) He had his chance to be faithful to you and he let you down. Sure, he is hurting too, but it is his own doing.
Ultimately, time will take the sting away. The pain of the relationship being over is still fresh and what you are experiencing is par for the course. Enlist your friends to help you through this time of pain and allow yourself to be receptive in finding new experiences in life and love.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Hi,
Sorry you feel this way... I am in a similar situation, 10 years and just ended recently. You mentioned, he's not in contact 4 weeks because he's listening to you? Sorry to say, but I have to agree with your friend. He does not care, I know it's harshy to hear, and it's hurtful, but I am being honest... You know what kind of man he's, yet you are trying to make excuses for him? He's probably continuing dating these other women, continuing living his life, and the last email he sent you, means nothing, just words.... My ex was like your man, very sweet and very good with words, to him telling me he loves me, miss me, feel lonely, was very easy for him to say.... I realize after all these years, words don't mean nothing, actions is what matters... I know it's hard to let go, I am going through a similar situation as I have said before, the truth is that you cannot control your heart... You know what's the truth and what's real, yet you can't help but still love him, but now you know what's best for you. Do not force yourself to forget him easily, do not pressure yourself, and ask why, because 5 years relationship takes time to move on. I am sure you have many memories, you still love him and more importantly I know you are still attached to him. It's not easy, it will take time, but you will move on. It has been 1 1/2 year for me, and I am still hurting... I tried doing everything possible to move on, reading books, talking to friends, exercise, go out, clean out the house, make over, shopping, you name it, but at the end I realize that time is all I need.... The harder I push myself, it only made it more difficult... Just be patient, be kind to yourself, allow to feel the pain, and know that you did the right thing, because you deserve better.....
Anyways, hope you can find peace, and start feeling better
Best wishes and good luck
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 April 2012):
Well it's only been 4-months and you had a 5-year relationship with him, it would be unreasonable to think you would be completely over him by now, even if he is a liar and a cheater.
Simply, there's nothing wrong with you. It's normal. Getting over someone you loved takes time, even if they weren't a good person.
All I can say is, give it more time. Don't worry about why he has not responded to your email. Focus on yourself and give yourself more time to heal. Keep following the no contact rule and 6-months from now, you probably will think you were ridiculous for even considering going back to him. Maybe you'll even meet someone wonderful in the process. Keep your chin up and just go about your life...you'll pull through.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I am sorry you are having such a difficult time over this. I have been there myself over the same situation (love and him cheating many times) so I know what you are going through.
I think we are in love with the person we want our ex to be, we tend to only focus on the good times and because we feel lonely, we seem to want to forgive the bad stuff just to have that person back in our lives.
Cheating is cheating...it will always make us feel devalued and unloved when someone does it to us, especially if we really love that person.
Some people are and will always be serial cheaters. Your guy is typical as he is approaching old age and has never settled down. My ex WAS married but he lied to me about why his marriage ended and when I discovered he was a cheat, it didn't take long for me to discover that he had cheated on his wife also.
We get strung out on these men (speaking as a woman) we swing from hoping they will change, to thinking we can accept the cheating...we take them back...and then they do it again and it destroys a little bit more of us every time. What we need to realise is that the pattern will NEVER change.
I am still affected by memories of my ex and we ended almost 3 years ago. I have dated a couple of people since but never gotten back into a proper relationship. I think about my ex from time to time and wonder 'What if', but i know it would never have been any different.
I just want to add a side note on this about the damage that happens to us when we are cheated on. Each time it happens, it destroys our trust, not only for the ex but also for other potential men whom we might date.
People seriously underestimate the harm they cause to their partners when they undertake to cheat with other women...they can potentially destroy that persons whole life by such a selfish act and for that they should be ashamed. (Of course the same can be said of women who cheat)
You are still in contact with your ex, even though its been sporadic, it still leaves a small crack in the door and I don't think you have decided in your heart that it is over...I think you still cling to hope, but you know that you will be stepping onto the same merry go round trip that ultimately will take you to the same place...again...and again...and again!!!
Can you live with a cheater??...Yes...until they find someone else that they'd rather live with!!...It's an upsetting fact, but true.
My ex used to send me christmas and birthday cards and I did see him once again just as a friend, but he was still 'chasing skirt' and it actually sickened me.I got to the point of acceptance that things were finally done with about a year ago, I reached the point of no return and could think about him without hope that we would ever be together again...I simply let him go. You will get to this point, but not whilst you are still in communication with him. It is early days, but you will move on when you have had enough.
There is nothing the matter with you...you are just a loving caring woman who fell for a lying cheat.
Here's hoping for peace in the future and moving on without fear.
xxxx
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