A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have posted several times before about my relationship but just when I thought the mass confusion was over.....Basically we have been together for 7 years and have a 4 1/2 month old son together. He can't hold a job so we all live with my parents and I work full time. I had problems with him during my pregnancy and the early times after our son was born. He would go out for hours at a time and sometimes not come home at all. For the past few months he has been staying home more and more and doesn't go out at night. He has stuck true to his word and has been pressureing me to set a date to get married. All week he had been annoying me about how much he didn't want to go to his friend's party. That there would be things there he shouldn't be around ( I have no idea what ) and he wants to be home with us. He was non stop talking about going and doing something together tonight. He left to fix his truck around 1pm and said he'd be back in 30 minutes. I called him around 7 to see if he wanted something from the store. He still wan't home 1 1/2 later so I called again. He was at the party!It doesn't piss me off that he was at the party but that for days on end all i've been hearing about is how much he didn't want to go and that I needed to make plans for us to be somewhere so no one could bother him. Then to top it off he gets mad at me for being mad at him.He said he'd come home if I wanted him to and he wouldn't be mad about it but if he came home because I was pissed at the situation he'd smash up the truck ( I own it and he drives it ) and move out cas he's not dealing with me controlling his life. I was completely speachless. I didn't know how to respond but told him not to worry about anything. He then hung up on me and I haven't heard from him since. I'll be surprised if he comes home tonight.I have to be very honest. I know a lot of people and i'm the biggest doormatt out there. All he ever needs or wants I give him. I don't tell him where to go or who he can and can't talk to. I treat him like I would like to be treated. I am really sad and confused. Am I wrong for being mad? Do you think he's pissed b/c he needed a reason to get drunk at the party or he knew he was wrong but wanted to stay anyway?He gets upset b/c we aren't married but who wants to marry someone when you can't trust what they say?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hi,
the worrying thing for me is you have said you have posted several times before. I cant recall these but I can guess they would have to do about how this man treats you like dirt. Yet you still write in asking whether you should be mad at him? I would dare to say none of the advice people give you sinks in and you continue to let him walk all over you.
You are obviously very vulnerable so I dont want you to think that I am being nasty here, it's just that someone needs to make you realise you have to do something about getting him out of your life! You cant continue like this, you are simply going to keep being walked all over and write in here and read posts you take no notice off.
It's time to kick his arse out of your life mate.
Do it!
A
female
reader, criminey  +, writes (20 July 2008):
Hi there, I really feel for you. You sound as though you think this might be your fault for getting mad, and you are trying to second guess his reasons for going to the party. Let me tell you THIS IS NOT YOUR ISSUE - IT'S HIS! Sounds like there's something about that party which is making him feel SO guilty that he's threatening to trash your truck and doing everything to run away from having to answer to you about it. Can you ask him without having a big argument? If so, try. And don't beat yourself up and call yourself a door mat. You love this man, you want him to be happy. But remember to love yourself too and your needs are just as important!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Well, you analyzed yourself pretty well. You are a doormat and he certainly has been busy wiping his feet on you.
So the question that remains is, what next?
Do you really want to life like this? No? Then end the relationship NOW because it ain't going to get any better. He sounds like a loser, jobless, driving your car, living at your parents... far to many issues to even list let alone fix.
Yes? Then you got to quit bitching and just lay down and learn to enjoy the feeling of boots on your forehead.
Stop trying to find excuses for his behavior and take a long hard look at your own behavior instead.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Has he ever given you reason not to trust him before, that you are aware of?
He may be pressuring you to set a date but you should certainly make it known under no uncertain terms that he had better always be honest with you or this could become a continual problem. Doc
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): All his problems come from being too controlled when a he was a kid and all of yours for letting people (because you parents taught you to) interfere in you personal boundaries. I say don't get married to this loser (sorry for the kid but IT'S BETTER FOR HIM) He won't change. One of your biggest problems is that you two have a codependent dysfunctional relationship. "All he ever needs or wants I give him" A big mistake and a big clue about how wrong is your relationship. He knows he can control you and frankly you need/like to be controled too. Nobody can do anything abotu your relationship but yourself. You have to understand the dysfunctional patterns and stop them. You have to read this book: "Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, protecting and enjoying the self" Charles L. Whitfield, MD. And "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A blue Print for healing" Patti Henry, M. Ed., L.P.C. http://searchwarp.com/swa11367.htmhttp://www.askalana.com/alanas_answers/men-1.shtml
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A
female
reader, sarah w +, writes (20 July 2008):
 im going to be blunt! he is clearly a very childish and selfish man ! tell him if he does not grow up and take his role on responsability you will tell him to get out,and yes doooormat is what you have written on your forehead,you must be very unhappy,please put your foot down,you cant begin to even think about marrage with this boy untill his problems are addressed.
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A
female
reader, kitty1981  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hey,Well I can understand were u are comming from. I too am the worlds biggest door mat. I have a five month old boy, his dad and I try to make it work but he loves his poker online and the sluts that go with them. I had a letter come through my phone from some chick to my guy saying to him, "if we were took meet and hqve sex how would it be? Nice hey! So I go up and ask him what is this and he told me its just a joke. So I emailed this bitch and told her to back the fuck off. She begged me to let them be friends. He claims that it was just some poker buddie and a big ha ha joke. And then I found a whole shit load of stuff like slutty pics she sent. I could go on forever. It makes my skin crawl to think I do everything baby wise and he is on the net till 3 am waiting to talk to her. And he even wrote to he the same "lovs babe" to her. And thought that wouldn't kill me! He wrote lovs babe to me during work and I said no more lovs cuz it means nothing. So now he is all mad blasting music to piss off all my nabour friends and I no he just wants me upstairs(he says its running away) but I can't take it. So that's my story. Write back if u want.
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