A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What to choose: Person A:Current Boyfriend/Possible Fiance, Person B: Ex/ Best Friend, or other advice??I am 24 years old and have been in a relationship for about 3/12 years, though I keep thinking about my best friend/ ex. My current boyfriend wants to be engaged and wants to tell his family next month- I'll now elaborate on the details of each relationship, and I hope someone has a suggestion about what I should do!Person A: Currently, we've been together for about 3 1/2 yrs. Our basic history goes like this: We were basically acquaintances our first couple years of high school(though he says he's liked me since the first day he saw me)... we dated my second yr. of college for a couple months, but then he decided he was going to move out of state for school and I was dating other people as well at the time (one happened to be my best friend, Person B) so I ended the relationship and he moved. A yr. passed and during that time I went through great personal struggles and my other relationships were not really working. I decided to visit Person A and felt happy, fell in love, and ultimately decided to move and be with him and finish my education where he was. I'd say everything was going really well the first 2 1/2 yrs though gradually I began to think about returning home more and more (I left ALL my friends and family behind). So I started going back more frequently.. about every two months in the past yr- and it all began with a very memorable last minute trip to a football playoff game where I happened to bring my best friend... (Person B)Person B. My best friend (the one I've always wanted)- I've known my best friend since I was 5- we were each other's first crush, first kiss, first boyfriend/ girlfriend, first everything. We only formally dated about 3 months in the beginning of high school (same time as I was acquaintances with the current boyfriend)but then we had a "friends with benefits" type of relationship from our freshman year of college until I moved away. This guy really truly is the person I can talk to/relate to the most and the one I always seem to go back to.. but he comes from a family where his parents were divorced before he was born, though they still have a very close/ civil relationship (dad visits from another state and stays in the same house) and this obviously has affected his beliefs/notions about relationships. He basically saw relationships as an infringement of his independence/ was never ready... and that's why things didn't work when we dated early in college. I thought maybe it was just me, and that he was making excuses, but in the 3+ yrs that I've been in another state, he has not seen ANYONE else, though whenever I come to visit, he clears most of the length of my stay to spend time with me (his best male friend recently verified ALL of this and also told me that he does still talk about me and, cares about me- he is just in that "young 20-something guy, not ready to commit stage"- and pleaded with me not to get engaged to my current boyfriend because he knows deep down it'll hurt said best friend) Actually, the first yr and a half after I left he would call me and did seem rather upset and contrite that I was gone, but eventually stopped doing that. Anyway, so I went to a game with him last year, had the best time I've had in yrs, and after that, found myself thinking about him constantly... again. I keep going home and spending time with him, though I have not slept with him (But I am guilty of thinking about it). He is aware of the fact that my current boyfriend wants to be engaged and has had mixed reactions about it- if we speak about it over the phone, he seems more distant, though in person he's very adamant in his belief that I should not be engaged. As one can tell by the emphasis of my thoughts over the ex/best friend, I'm really struggling with strong emotions for him. Of course I feel guilty about this, but I don't know what to do. My current boyfriend is a great partner- we get along very very well living together, and deep down I know I do love him, but I just don't feel as strongly for him right now- though I fear I'll be making a HUGE mistake if I end up leaving him- I know that my best friend still is not ready for commiment just yet, but what if he never is? Or maybe it just wouldn't work after all? But on the other hand, what if I get engaged (and eventually married) to my current guy- will I always wonder what might've been with the other?? The best solution I've come up with so far is: to tell my current boyfriend I'm not ready to be engaged because I really want to move back home for a month or two (either after this semester or when I'm completely done at the end of the year) and get a feel for that life again (he doesn't want to move back for a few more years!) before I make my decision. It is possible that nostalgia from being home itself is tied into my feelings for my best friend, so maybe spending enough time there, I'll be able to look at both relationships more objectively. Maybe I'll have a "spill my heart out" conversation with my ex and see where he stands, maybe I'll miss my current boyfriend and realize how good things actually are with him. Soo many maybes- what do you think???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (23 September 2007):
 to be honest, you have to tell your boyfriend the truth and then he will probably dump you but you'll be ok, because you have your best friend. it's unfair for you to give your bf false hope and as for your best friend, if you tried dating and it failed, why is it going to be different this time round? you thin you'll be missing out and you couldn't stand another girl having his effections because he is your best friend. (ever see my best friends wedding? i think you should)
do what you think is right and you will regardless because you want the best of both worlds, it's your bf i feel sorry for.
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (19 September 2007):
I don't know what you should do, but I think it would be unfair to get engaged to your bf if you are having doubts. You didn't say much about your bf. What is he like and what kind of family does he come from? What would your future be like with each of these guys? What family do you want for your kids?
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