New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login224133 questions, 973929 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

While separated, wife had sex with 5 other guys and I can't deal with it!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2011)
A male United States age 36-40, *nnoyingDude writes:

I have been married for 15 years and last year me and my wife were separated all of last year....We have since gotten back together however while we were separated she has had sex with 5 guys...I know because she keeps everything in her calendar...Since I now know how many and how often I am all messed up in the head because she was never really a sexual person and some of these encounters were several times a week. Far different than when we were together. She still says I am the best lover but I don't believe her and the fact that she acted like a slut while we weren't together is upsetting. Now...I have had at least 4 times the amount of women in the same period of time...So I try to use that as a way to cope but lately its not working...Since we have gotten back together I have been really insecure...That is typically not me but now I have become really insecure because we called ourselves wiping the slate clean, but the details she has shared with me have really been a bit much...One night stands...etc... The worst thing she told me was that she had sex with a guy when she knew his girl was in another hotel room on another floor...She says it was all a PHASE and she was depressed over me moving on with my life and I want to believe that but I just can't help the way I feel...

View related questions: depressed, insecure, period

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

Hey,something similar happened to me.Married a virgin who never liked sex, I could have counted yearly sex on 1 hand.

This was due to a power control issue in our marriage which led to other disastrous conflicts, until 1 day 16 years later, she left...then I found out,she had a boyfriend and now to date 3. Fast forward, house gets sold, kids live in 2 houses, she screws all 3 boyfriends religiously, lawyers suck up all our money...now she wants to get back...WEEELLLLLL, let me tell you something, I married a virgin who was pure and mine, and I was the same. DON'T come back to me later wanting to get back. I don't want the cute innocent girl I married back as a rejected used cum bucket...not when I had to beg to get sex off her...2 words here... F HER...And yes it is to bad, she is, was a great girl, just had to big a chip on her shoulder...now she is a common dime a dozen Slut...what a waste...I hope our kids dont find out...

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

A couple of things...first, all you man haters out there who assume he left his wife for some strange puss need to wake the hell up. It is common for couples who marry young and stay together that long to drift apart. It happened to me. And I did NOT leave her to explore a sea of vaginas. It is common and needs to be dealt with rationally. Stop pinpointing men as adulterous pigs just because relationships dont work out and they explore their sexuality. When you women "experiment" with several men, you call it "keeping your options open". When men do it, they're "pigs".

Second, you have to get over what happened while you were separated. You were, after all, separated. Plus you had more partners. Quite a lot actually. Nothing to be done here except hope she grew from the experience. SHe did, after all, come back to you. What are you afraid of? THat she had better? She said you were the best.

I'm in the same boat as you, my friend. I will be married 15 years tomorrow, but I've been separated since last March. Like you, she only had one guy before me. Our sex was great except it was only once a week or less and My wife will no doubt have many men knocking on her door for sex, although she is waiting till we are divorced. I am in a new relationship that is very true. But I will, no doubt, feel some of the same anguish once she starts banging other men. You have to suck it up. She needed to explore. She felt rejected and lost. You left. what is she supposed to do...wallow in misery while you jizz on 20 women? Unfair.

Hope that she is wiser now, having been with other men. Hope that that brings some honesty to your relationship and let her get some ya ya's out. It sounds like you both married too young and never sowed your oats. If you are truly in love, you will get over this, but it will take time. Stick with it and dont keep obsessing over it. Talk about it and accept what happened. After all, it's only sex.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

Wow what a hypocrit you are. Im a nurse and id reccomend that you get a thourough STD check

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010):

Yes, you're being a totally unfair hypocrite. But I understand where you are coming from.

Before all this happened, you didn't only believe you were married a woman who had not done these other recent things. You used to believe you were married to a woman who was not CAPABLE of doing these things.

So now this is a lot to deal with. You want your "old wife" back, but she is gone. Or maybe she never really was, it was just your picture of her. Either way you're not getting back what you lost. (And I'll bet she is not getting back the same man, either.)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Duckyhelp United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2010):

Duckyhelp agony auntWomen usualy when upset emotionaly they have sex to feel alive and worth something to someone. Its not slutty. Cause if you did it you would be proud of yourself.

Maybe your jelous? Your jelous you didnt pick women up and had sex with them as much as your wife did.

and what your wife says is the truth about you being the best she ever had. cause she has no reason to lie.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, the_phoenic United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2010):

many honest women do the same (( as your wife))

when feeling abandoned or betrayed by there loved ones

but your feers are justified and you have to be frank about it with her and both of you have to deal with it in a rational way

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010):

Um you slept with a lot more people than she did! what right have you got to judge her? why should she sit at home being an saint while you go out acting like a male whore? You have NO RIGHT.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 October 2010):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou left her because you were bored. What sort of subliminal message do you think that was sending? I just want to grab you and shake the sheet out of you!! When you left because you were bored you were telling her she wasnt woman enough for you, you were telling her she was crap in bed, you were telling her she was a big fat nothing and your marriage meant jack! You were telling her she was a failure as a wife. You were telling her she was a reject!

Where do you think her brain was after all that?

You were off living with some little chicky babe and screwing 19 others and you have the GALL, yes THE GALL to complain she slept with 5 people. You dirty rat fink.

You should be thankful she has even considered taking you back, you owe her heaps, your trying to forget these five sexual partners, all who fade into insignificance when lined up against your peccadilloes. You make me sick!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010):

She loved you, she had a hole left in her life while you guys werent together and she used those guys to fill that.

Let it go or move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, AnnoyingDude United States +, writes (10 October 2010):

AnnoyingDude is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I did leave because we had reached a point that I felt we grew apart since we were together since high school. Our lives became boring and I wanted to be happy and I felt being apart was better than arguing all the time.

I still supported her and we continued to have sex off and on throughout the whole time we were separated. I think the thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that she only had sex with one guy before me because I met her at such a young age I just feel there is something deeper in the fact that she would act out this way.

During this time she has gained some new girlfriends that I feel condoned that behavior because to me they are actually sluts...You see I am not coming off as a guy who just doesn't like his womans friends...She has REAL friends that during this situation she felt ashamed because they were all still married and she chose to hang out with single women who basically supported her decisions...Next she is still friends with these women and I feel they know more than what she is letting on and they are at our house and I don't want to be the butt of any inside joke. We have had a couple of parties at the house like we would before the separation and some comments were said referencing events that happened around my wifes actions...

Example...One of her friends had to mention a festival they went to in another city that while we were cleaning the slate was the night she was with the guy at the hotel...Sometimes I feel like I am looking for things, however she still works with one guy she slept with and I don't know what I feel about that...

My wife and her friend work at the same place which is a hospital...its a small hospital but she claims she never sees the guy and none of her work friends know about this guy. I just don't believe her. We have a beautiful family and 3 wonderful kids...I just cant dismiss the feelings I am having. We have set a date to not discuss the past, but talking about the past is what helps me through it. I want to learn how to FORGET!!!

One last note...because I know the initials of the guys and how often she saw them...Every time I ask for sex and she is not in the mood I immediately think of how loose she was with the other guys...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (10 October 2010):

Jmtmj agony auntI think this may just take a little bit of time to wrap your head around is all.

You have many many ways to rationalize this, I just think you need to actually internalize it.

You were with 20 women, she was with 5 men. Who was the slut in this equation?

She was depressed that you were moving on with your life and this was her way of trying to get over you.

You are her best lover, (I'd believe that), why wouldn't you be?? You've had 15 years experience in knowing how to please her, not to mention the emotional connection and the fact that she got back with you.

The best lover... its you... that's a no-brainer dude.

Its a clean slate now. Don't mess it up right from the start by worrying about shit that doesn't matter.

But yeh, as BimBim said, more info would be helpful.

Best of luck bro.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, AnnoyingDude United States +, writes (10 October 2010):

AnnoyingDude is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I left the house and I was going out on dates...I actually was living with a woman full-time...I am just trying to find a way to deal with what I know...She was a student who I continued to support until she graduated...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 October 2010):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI need a little more information before I can answer. You say you were moving on with your life, does that mean you were going out on dates, making plans for your future etc etc.

Who initiated the separation, and why?

Did you wife work while you were married or was she a stay at home mum?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "While separated, wife had sex with 5 other guys and I can't deal with it!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.046875!