A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi im 32 im a gay woman and been with my girlfriend over a year. dont live together yet but we are engaged. thing is we had some ups and downs and i just no longer fancy her and lost my sex drive months ago. i love her so much and enjoy her company but its a best friends type of love. its a shame as could have a good future with her but i just dont feel any sexual feelings with her and i do love her tho. or do i go with a woman who i have just met, dont know her that well as its early days but we started dating now. unsure if theres a future as too soon to tell but my god i fancy her like mad, feeling sexual again now and can never wait to see her. both women live near me so dont matter that way who i see but with J, i have a history and know her more and who i do love. but not in love or fancy and with the new girl i get butterflies. i miss her when apart and fancy her like mad. also J who im with the longest dont smoke and drink and the other girl i fancy who just started to date, does smoke and drink abit but im not over the moon with that as i dont smoke but can accept it. who do i choose plz help.
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best friend, engaged, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mntrstina30  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 Well its good you told her some of what you felt,have you tried couseling? you know relationships arent based on sex-Ive learned that-but If your not happy Then you try new things to bring that spark back-if its doesnt work then it could be over-but you know this woman inside and out and she knows you-well maybe not the cheating part-which you should tell her the whole truth and then go from there...I really hope things work out for the both of you..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): thanks to all your answers. i told my current girlfriend i only want to be friends and want to be single now so thats over im free to date the new girl who i fancy. it was hard tho cause my girlfriend said she loves me and wants to give me a good life but i dont fancy her and i fancy the other girl i just started to see. what do i do.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 January 2012):
you should call off the engagement, for sure, regardless of whether there's anyone new in the picture because if you've lost your attraction to your fiance then the relationship is no longer functioning as an intimate/romantic relationship. So you need to get honest about that and officially change the status of the relationship to reflect the reality so that you can both move on. Keeping her around while you're no longer seeing her as a romantic/intimate partner, but simply to avoid being alone, is very unfair to her and is selfish of you. The relationship will only break down more in the future.
Once you have broken up with your fiance, then you can decide whether to see the other woman, or not.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2012):
 First of all, and you won't like to hear this, but YOU are a cheater. You're cheating on your girlfriend! You're dating another woman while still with your current girlfriend!
That's not *DATING*. That's *CHEATING*.
I'm also going to state what should be obvious to you, but I know is totally clouded by your butterflies feelings.
If you stay where you are now, cheating on your girlfriend, eventually she'll find out and be devastated. She will hate you, and you will permanently lose her.
Then, you will be free to date this butterflies woman with the sexual attraction. Eventually, you will lose the butterflies, especially when her smoke breath assails your senses one too many times.
Then, the habits you're overlooking now (what you say you're not over the moon about) will become the main stumbling blocks of your new relationship. You'll fall out of love and sexual attraction with her. Remember, you started dating your current girlfriend because you were sexually attracted to her.
Then, you'll be in the same position. Thing is, your new girlfriend will never be able to trust you, because your relationship will have started by you having to lie and deceive your current girlfriend.
You need to break up with your current girlfriend. Why? Because what you're doing is wrong by cheating on her. You're engaged to her, she's planning your life together, and you're cheating on her. If you were a guy with a question like this, the female reaction on here would be visceral, because cheating on a fiance is a rotten thing to do.
I say break up. Then date this other woman in the sunshine without all the dark, hidden, secret, and clandestine feelings clouding reality.
You'll find that having this new girl wasn't quite so fun as wanting her, especially when you realize you can't even begin to convince her to stop drinking and smoking. Those are much bigger compatibility issues than you've even begun to realize.
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A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (30 January 2012):
The grass is not always greener on the other side...Think about it before you react and you shouldnt be seeing this other girl anyways-maybe as a friend only...but if its more your already cheating..and thats not fair to either party.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 January 2012):
 It's like trying to pick out a rose bush. Pick the one that will grow and florish in your environment.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 January 2012):
 If you are at the "who do I choose stage" then you need to end the engagement first of all. Secondly you owe your soon to be ex fiance the truth... just what you told us here...
you don't CHOOSE... you end the engagement and you see both... but note that if you have no sexual feelings for your fiance you need to not date her... that's not fair to string her along.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 January 2012):
 Hi,
I think it shouldn't be a matter of who do I choose? You mentioned that you do love your fiancée, but as bestfriends type of love? Well, I think that if you do care for her, respect her, you should be honest with her. Before you make this engagement a truly life commitment, you should have a serious talk and let her know how you feel. Ask her for sometime away to put your thoughts together. I am sure that your fiancée will be hurt, but it's better than being cheated. Will be pain, but not hate and anger... This is difficult situation, because you cannot control your heart, and unfortunately people change, feelings change, love fade away... Without a fault of their own... Being honest might end your relationship, because you never know how your partner will react, but it's the right thing to do. Then, you are free to pursue your new love interest and you don't need to lie or feel guilt. Hope you can make the right decision.
Good luck
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