A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke off a 5 year relationship with a guy. But it wasn't just an ordinary break up.During the latter part of the relationship, I kept ignoring thoughts that I was not in love with my boyfriend as much as I was when we were starting out. I got tired of his materialism and immaturity. I felt like I wasn't growing in the relationship anymore, instead, I was becoming too dependent on him, which was the reason why I kept convincing myself that I loved him, because I really needed him in my life. We have always been together 24/7 til recently when we got different jobs and apartments and lived a long-distance relationship. During this time, I initially felt helpless, however, as time passed, I learned to adapt to my new lifestyle without him around.Complications arose when I met another guy at work who is everything my boyfriend is not. We easily connected - we share a lot more exciting interests than what I have with my boyfriend. I could say that he is my soulmate. I learned to really care for and love this person, and he is completely head over heels about me, even though he knows that I already have a bf. We formed this "secret" world wherein we went out on dates, got intimate oftentimes, and I was even introduced to his family.One day I came clean to my bf, telling about my secret relationship with this guy. I was filled with guilt and shame because my bf loves me very much, so I couldn't help but let it all out. Part of me wanted to leave my bf, but I felt really guilty and doubtful if my new relationship was worth it. I saw how much I hurt my bf during my confession. It was too much, that I wanted to make it up to him right away. However, he was so hurt that he rejected me initially. We gave each other space.After that time away from each other, my boyfriend came to my house one day begging me to start anew. He said he was willing to forget everything, and he wanted us to try again. He couldn't live without me. He just wanted me to say one thing: that I loved HIM and and HIM only.I was overwhelmed. I couldn't. Right away I thought of my soulmate. I don't talk to him anymore, I feel that it won't do me any good. However, I always think of him, hoping that one day - even if it was years from now - that he would come back into my life and we would live happily ever after. We can all dream though. I was happier with him, but I feel like I should give a lot of credit to my boyfirend who was able to forgive me and even almost begged me to come back. He realized all his shortcomings as my boyfriend for 5 years, and said that he was willing to change for me. He just wants me back.There is no spark between me and my ex boyfriend anymore. I feel that the thought of my soulmate and I together, starting a new relationship is blocking that spark. I am very worried that if I don't choose my ex, I would disappoint a lot of people and feel very guilty for the rest of my life. But if I choose to make the relationship work out again, I might long for my soulmate forever and hurt my ex's feelings all over again.I broke up with both parties, and now I am still thinking of who to choose. They are both waiting for my decision. Help! WHO SHOULD I CHOOSE? I know I must think this through and not rely on feelings anymore, which got me into trouble in the first place.
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female
reader, Driven  +, writes (7 October 2009):
I have learned over the years (as do my friends) that if it's an "I dont know" it means no. If you are still unsure about being with your boyfriend..then deep down you do not want to be. Also as annoying as it is, if things are meant to be they are meant to be. It's your life and though cheating is not right, you can't be with somebody for the sake of their feelings and ignoring your own at the sametime. That's a huge regret to have down the road.
A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (23 August 2009):
 I understand that you do not want to hurt your ex-boyfriend, but by choosing him when you don't love him anymore, you will hurt him much more in the long run. Tell your ex-boyfriend that he did not deserve to be cheated on and that you are truly sorry for what you have done. But also tell him that you do not love him anymore, that you do not want to keep hurting him and that that you must therefore make a clean cut.
Then, go and live your life with the man you love.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 You have to choose the one that you feel is right for you.
Ignore what people in your life think or say, ultimately its your life and your partner.
The BF who forgave you can never change to be the person you want him to be its hard for people to quit old habits and reform overnight.
Yes you did wrong by cheating on him but its a big sign that things are not well in your relationship and if you continue to stay with him there is a chance you may cheat again when unhappy.
From what you have wrote I am drawn to saying pick the guy you work with. From your experiences with him I sense you felt happy and connected. You refer to him as "soul mate" so this answers your question.
Good luck!
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