A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiance for over three years now. At the beginning of our third year together I made a few mistakes. I once gave my number out to a guy, but told my fiance on the same day and didn't know why I did it. I then developed a crush on someone I knew, and told my fiance about it and told him I had had sexual thoughts about the other person. He put me through hell and I felt so much guilt and thought I was the scum of the earth. Even till a couple of days ago he has been giving me shit about it and always made me feel like I'm such a bad person and that he was so great, always saying he never thought about other women or looked at other women, basically had nothing to do with anyone but me. Four days ago, I somehow came across two email addresses he had set up but not told me about. In these emails I found his registration to a sex dating site, emails from other girls whom he had sent his photos to and two my space accounts which he had never told me about. God knows what other emails he had deleted and god knows how far he went with these girls. And to make matters worse, he had set up the email addresses etc. only one year into our relationship. Before confronting him about all of this, I ASKED him if there was anything he wanted to tell me and he said no. So i revealed things one at a time and gave him further CHANCES to reveal the rest, but he continued to lie, thinking he could cover things up. I constantly gave him chances to come clean, but he never had the guts.He always acted all high and mighty and gave me shit about my mistakes constantly and even when he was presented with chances to reveal his mistakes, he didn't. Now onto what I did. About two weeks ago, my fiance hit me. I never saw anything like this coming and I was severely hurt by what he did (physically wasn't that bad). Before this happened, we had been having MANY problems with our relationship and I had started talking to a guy I met at university about all of this. I got closer and closer to this guy and the night after my fiance hit me, I ended up sleeping with him. A week later, (however, after I found out everything my fiance did) I worked up the courage to look my fiance in the eyes and tell him what I did. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I still had the guts to tell him. I made a huge mistake, but I told my fiance about it even though I knew that the consequences would be really tough.My question is which is worse??? I am soooooooo hurt by what he did and I understand he is very hurt too. But which is worse???????????We have always been very much in love. Even now, I can't live without him and he can't live without me. We are both hurting by what the other did and we are both in guilt about what we did. We want to continue being together and have the future we always talked about. But how do we move on?? Can we recover from this?? My heart sinks everytime I think about what he did. Our relationship was perfect back then..especially according to him. So why did he do what he did? He has vowed nothing like that will ever happen again and that he will now talk to me and be honest about everything. I have always been honest with him. How can I trust him now? I am so confused and I would truly appreciate any kind of advice.
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male
reader, Candleman +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Regarding why you told your fiance in the beginning... I can understand the phone number more than the crush. The phone number was something that the guy could have called and then it gets out. The crush though is a little harder to understand. I'm guessing the phone number was at a time when you two were arguing? Were there really bad periods during this time in your relationship? The reality is even though this is more innocent, it still crosses the line a good bit (the phone number). By telling your fiance, you set up a reality where trust begins to crack, but you do save a much worse exposure if the guy calls and the fiance finds out. A crush is a natural thing to happen and can happen to any couple. I really question you telling your fiance this one. Sure I can appreciate the honesty that you came clean, but did he really have know this? It seems like this would be best kept to yourself? You're planting a terrible fear into your dynamic and for what motive? My question to you is were you using these things in order to manipulate your fiance? You say you don't know why you gave your phone number out. Could manipulating change in the relationship have been the reason? Was this the reason why you came clean about the crush? Essentially telling him, hey, you've got competition buddy, you better shape up. I'm not saying that this is what you did. I'm just wondering is all. Because if it is, then it would underlie something that you need to address if you are going to try to make this relationship work. Things like this are going to create a lot of problems and if this is your method of effecting change, then it is obviously something you would want to correct. So that was looking at your beginning side w/ a negative perspective, you can also see it from a positive one. You were open to your fiance about things that you did. You never completely crossed the line. Trust is shaken, the relationship is on edge, but the integrity is still there. So from this perspective, you are definitely held less accountable for your actions simply for the fact that you never followed through with any of these things. In fact, if you had no hidden agenda in exposing these things, then you are doing something that a healthy relationship should do. Sharing things, getting them out in the open and then working through them. Your fiance on the other hand starts going to friend finder websites at least a year into your relationship. You have proof of contact which completely blows him out of the water. When given the chance to come clean, he lies. Now here's the big question. Did he actually f**k any of these women? Were the contacts real women looking to f**k or the ones that are just trying to get him to join pay sites like the private chat sites? There is a huge difference in degree of deception between f**ing and paying for chat sex. But, the bottom line is that the high ground he took when you confessed about the crush and the abuse he dished out makes his actions completely horrid no matter which he did. If he did f**k these women, he becomes sub-pond scum. His actions are by far worse because no where did you completely cross the line at this point. He on the other hand is a hypocrite, possibly of the highest order. You expose him...things get really really bad...He hits you. Major line crossed there. Huge, beyond huge. You get close to some guy at university, f**k him, then tell your fiance (I do see a possible pattern here) So obviously you two were trying to work things out, but things got really out of hand. This time you equal him in his betrayal simply because of the fact that if you two are going to work out things, then actions like this have to stop. There is no acceptable excuse for your behavior if you're trying to work things out. I'm going to spare telling you to leave this guy, but I will point out that he lied to you for x number of years, probably cheated on you, psychologically abused you, and physically abused you. At different points in your relationship you entertain the thoughts of other men. You say that everything was perfect earlier in your relationship, but was it? How much of the feelings were created in a time when he was living this lie, possibly f**king other women? Is the person you fell in love with real or an ideal he mislead you to believe? Could it be you're in denial of who this guy really is? But, you say that you both love each other and can't live without each other. I would highly suggest taking time apart and making sure this feeling is something that stays once you process all that has happened. If you do process this and decide to stay... There is hope. If both of you do truly love each other and have a strong desire to make this work, then you can. But it will take a lot of work on both your parts. You have to see if trust can be established in your relationship and only time can tell if this is the case. You need to turn this completely negative/destructive dynamic into a positive dynamic. You have shown that you have what it takes, but he needs to live up to his words. You both have a lot of issues that need to be addressed. The problems that have caused your negative dynamic need to be understood and changed to the best of your abilities. All your emotions need to be processed. Lies have to stop. The abuse has to stop both mental and physical. You should see a therapist that can work with you both to identify all your problems and help you develop plans to improve your relationship. I am stressing again for both of you to see a therapist. If you bottle up everything and just worry about the moment, the past will probably rip you apart, slow you down and impede your progress. You need someone trained that can help you. I would demand this of him. If the physical abuse continues, then you need to get the hell out of this right now. Don't fall into a trap w/ someone that will beat you one day, then be nice to you the next. Understand that if he does this again then this is who he truly is. Actions speak much louder than words here. You can not accept this behavior. Well, I'm done. I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Well, I'm with a guy that did similar things that your fiance did - online flirting, sending pics, joining dating sites. I'm working up the courage to break it off with him right now.It depends on what type of person you are; whether or not you "tough it out" or just decide that you could be happier without him, and just cut your losses.As for which one is worse... well, that's kind of a loaded question. You both did wrong.It's okay to give people your phone number, as long as you don't plan on flirting with them. Give it to them to extend friendship and nothing more. Having sexual thoughts about someone else isn't so terrible. It's all in your mind, and as long as it stays in there, nothing bad can really come of it.You were wrong for sleeping with someone else, obviously.He was extremely wrong for his internet cheating. No matter what anyone tells you: flirting is still cheating, no matter what form it comes in.He was also very wrong for hitting you. If you do stay with him, really watch out for that. My advice his to leave him, but do whatever you feel is best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): I don't think you're ready for commitment. You keep doing all these things w/other guys and then go to your fiancee and tell him. Why? I agree w /irish49, it's destructive and unhealthy, it's full of unnessesary drama
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Love is not supposed to be this bitter hateful and painful, like this. Something is not working here. It sounds almost obsessive and you both love the battles, the war, the hurt... whereas it shouldn't be.
I think you both acted in a very destructive, unhealthy way. This relationship seems to based on pain, delibrately hurting the other and 'one-upmanship'. The cracks and the shattered trust may be just too huge, to repair here. As humans, we all want love from someone who loves us to the exclusion of all others. And...infidelity is the common thread and proof we don't have what we most deeply crave and desire. And your bf and you both now have knowelege of these mutual betrayals, the trust is shattered. It could be near impossible to get it back. If your bf is acting in this manner, then. I really don't think he will ever get over this. He needs to also know, that physically lashing out at you is not right. That alone is reason to get out of this.
Plainly what has happened, is you told him you had a crush on someone, and it's lingerting there, festering. He was hurt, he was crushed. And he began the cycle of making you pay the emotional price by emailing other women and joining sex dating sites, then in which you paid him back in full for that one, by sleeping with another man. Do you see the unhealthy, toxic cycle here, hun?
Now you say that you both still love each other. All I see is two people here, hanging around and making each other unhappy and knocking each other off balance. The respect is gone and the trust is blown to smithereens, here. Trust/respect..two solid foundational basics in a healthy love relationship. So now, you have to decide something. Do your get out of this and make a fresh start elsewhere, allowing your fiancee to do the same or...do you stay, no matter what. If you stay then you will need to understand that your and this fiancees's behaviors, could continue. There is other healthy, amazing people out there whom you both could have wonderful relationships. I think it's time you both called this a day, and took time to be single, heal, recover and learn what a good, healthy love is. So...gather up the strength and walk away and make a promise to yourself, never to mess with someone's emotions like this again. And as long as you both believe that the other one has all this power to make the other falsely happy, then you are both victims in this horrid, unhealthy situation. I think you need to research and learn about toxic relationships and to learn how to break free of it. Be strong and Good luck hun
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (10 October 2009):
its true what they say about trust. it takes a lifetime to build it and a second to lose it. so how do you trust again? and how do you move on without living in constant fear and doubt with him and him with you. my advice for both of you is to ask urselves if you can really throw this behind you and walk away from it together. or if you have to walk away seperatley. some time apart to get over it mite be ur best bet. if you spend time apart then you will be able to determine better if both of you can really forgive the other. good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Overshare. I think that sums up your problems with him.Now, my boyfriend says and I believe him that he only even fantasizes about me. We don't make an issue of it... but somehow if it comes up in conversation I'd believe that. My fantasies can be about situations which don't involve him. Once when we were discussing it, I did tell him. And I know he was surprised, not very nicely. So I don't tell him all that. They grew less and less over time so it does not hassle me. But I'd be really upset if he came up and told me how he lusting after some woman. It is his problem, unless of course, he wants it to impact our relationship. What is anyone supposed to do with that information? Help you draw hearts around his name?Pl get yourself a life, a few friends who you discuss all this with - your crushes on other people etc. As for his email accounts etc.. well.. if he has hidden those while being self righteous how do you know he does not sleep around as well?You are too emotionally young to be engaged, unless you like a messy life... some people do.Which is worse? I don't know. I think it's weird to go sleep with someone because you had a fight with your boyfriend. It would make me feel cheap. I wouldn't care if the boyfriend had an orgy. What's to compare?
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