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female
,
anonymous
writes: I know what most will think when I relate my problem but please bear with me and try to understand.I am very much in love with a married man. He has the strangest of relationships with his wife. They do not sleep together (I have also heard this from her). She told me she will never allow him in her bed again (she does not know I have been sleeping with her husband). They very rarely go anywhere together and live very separate lives. We both have adult children. We see each other whenever possible (sometimes spending several days together before he has to return home )and we have a fantastic relationship both in and out of bed whenever we are together. But when apart we niggle and argue. I do love him more than I have ever loved (I have been married and divorced and had 3 other relationships). He tells me that when he retires(which may be within the next couple of years), he will leave her and come to live with me, then when we're apart he changes and makes excuses. While we are together I do not doubt the love he has for me but when apart I think he also doubts my feelings and we argue about silly things. We are both very insecure. My relations and friends know we are a couple and all who have seen us together are amazed at the amount of love we show to each other. Please help. Should I believe him that he will be with me 24/7 sometime over the next few years or should I give up hope? No matter what, I will never be in another relationship.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 98  +, writes (1 October 2008):
It hurts emotionally to have sex with a man you love, if the commitment and emotional love isn't there from him. Women NEED that emotional love and commitment to really feel good about sex ...especially when the climax is done. That is just the way women are made up if they haven't completely numbed their own senses. It is particularly true when you are married, and most women sense when a man is cheating either emotionally or physically. Go figure why his wife won't sleep with him. They are supposed to be commited and he is cheating and destroying their relationship, dreams, family and home because he doesn't CARE enough to work on it. He isn't mature enough to deal with his own home, wow what a great responsible guy.
Everyone is right, it will eventually happen to you also if he ever did marry you. My siters husband did that. A few years after he re-married the woman he had cheated on my sister for, his wife called my sister to cuss her out for sleeping with him and where was he? She very calmly said, I wouldn't have that cheating blank then, why would I want him now? Why do you think I divorced him??? He's doing the same thing to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): How do you KNOW for sure he's not sleeping with his wife.
DON'T BELIEVE A WORD. Unless you are a fly on the wall taking notes, I would NEVER believe one word a married man says about his wife.
Claire
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): After reading most of the posts they are so identical to my situation with my (MM) married man.
Okay, he's cheating on his wife. Number one signal he'll do the same to you and he has. They are so charming, delightful, the sex is AWESOME until I woke up and realized he was taking me for a fool?
"This is not a good time to leave my wife."
"My children did not be asked to be born, they need me."
And the excuses continued. . . . .
The addiction to this man was amazingly powerful.
When I left him he was deeply hurt and begged for me to return.
Return to what?
I felt like a tramp. He needs his wife and some men truly are just little boys and they need their mommy.
After several weeks of blocking his email, not returning his phone calls he came to my front steps looking haggard. He mentioned how he could not sleep for weeks w/o me. When I asked if he changed his mind about divorcing his wife and marrying me, he became angry.
That was the last time I saw the jerk.
Claire
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): he says he loves me and says he will leave his wife
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): well they say the only way to find out if a married man is going to leave his wife is to break up with him and if he loves you enough then he will leave her ,but if he does not it only means he had no intentions ever of leaving his wife.and was just having some fun.
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A
male
reader, jeff c +, writes (23 March 2006):
As a man i can see where this is going i`m afraid. If he truly loves you why is he waiting for retirement? If his wife and their relationship is so bad why does he stay? Any normal person would jump at the chance to get out of this mess. One piece of advice - stop having sex with him. He`ll either leave you or leave her or both. Tell him in a calm way that you will not be used for sex, you love him and want to be with him. Then wait, don`t bow down to his pressure until he leaves his wife. If he loves you he`ll understand but i fear he`s having his cake and eating it.Why does his wife not want him in her bed ? Probably because she knows he`s playing away ! What would you do ?I hope i`m wrong about this man. Godd luck and best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): The reason I say I will never have another relationship is I have always managed to pick the wrong partners. I have been married twice. My first husband was very violent and the second eventually admitted he was gay (I will add that my second husband is now one of my best friends). I could not cope emotionally with another disastrous relationship and if my current relationship ends i would not be able to trust again.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (5 February 2006):
 Well I have been on both sides of the fence and I know what they say to each woman. Now at retirement age your situation is very different. You are not going to have to deal with the merging kids, etc. However, if you bicker now about little things...its a good sigh you'll fight about big things. At your age, if you are haveing fun in the fling...I see no reason not to continue and see how it plays out.
With one exception and you stated that one exception!!
No matter what I will not have another relationship? Excuse me? So...if this one does not work out...you will punish yourself forever and never allow anyone in your life. That means you could be punishing another great guy too. He might be out there loooooooking for your right now but your all wrapped up in MR MArried and don't see him. So if Mr Married does not leave wifypooh...Mr Terrific STILL looses? How very sad!
My mother got married one time...it didn't work out and she has been punishing herself for...40 years now. Never dated again. How foolish is that?
When I was a child a nurse in town was in love with a married doctor. She waited 37 years for him to leave his wife...and when he did...he married a 30 year old woman.
Enjoy his company if you do...but never say HE'S my only hope! That is restricting yourself to misery. I wish you all you hope for....but I hope you wish for more for yourself than you do.-
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): i had a short affair, i love the man like no other,his excuse he was staying for the sake of his child,he told me he was in a very unhappy marriage,with no sex.i believed all the stories he had told me.We was great together but when were apart we had a few minor disagreements on the phone and through text.They all say they will leave there wifes,the odd few might but mainly they don't.I know it will be hard for you to give him up,But if he loves you then he will leave his wife,time will tell.good luck.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (3 February 2006):
 I'm afraid to say that it does sound to me that he is trying to have his cake and eat it. Yes, you might both be insecure but then you have grounds for insecurity; he is sometimes with his wife! Why should he feel insecure with you? Is it because when he goes home he realises that perhaps he doesn't want to rock the boat after all and that there is something at home that does bring him some happiness (otherwise, he would have left before now).
I agree with the answer below. His behaviour is appalling. It is full of deception and lies...would you ever be able to trust him? I don't doubt his love for you or yours for him but I do doubt your future as I don't think he has it in him to leave his wife. I don't know why, if they are leading such separate lives. Why wait until retirement? Is he scared? What of? You need to find out why it is that once you are apart he begins to make excuses about your life together.
You have put all your eggs in one basket and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that someone will get hurt eventually. Issuing ultimatums don't usually work...it will only put him in a corner but you do need to make it clear to him that you want more of a life otherwise he will continue with this deception.
There has to be reasons why he is still married. What are they? And what about his wife? How will she feel? Just because they are leading separate lives doesn't mean to say that she doesn't get anything out of the marriage.
It is time to discuss the future with him, evaluate whether you can still hope and seriously consider a future that may not have him in it. The only reason why you won't find love again is because you are with someone who can't give you 100% love, making you unavailable for anyone else. Remember you don't know what is round the corner.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (3 February 2006):
I'm afraid to say that it does sound to me that he is trying to have his cake and eat it. Yes, you might both be insecure but then you have grounds for insecurity; he is sometimes with his wife! Why should he feel insecure with you? Is it because when he goes home he realises that perhaps he doesn't want to rock the boat after all and that there is something at home that does bring him some happiness (otherwise, he would have left before now).
I agree with the answer below. His behaviour is appalling. It is full of deception and lies...would you ever be able to trust him? I don't doubt his love for you or yours for him but I do doubt your future as I don't think he has it in him to leave his wife. I don't know why, if they are leading such separate lives. Why wait until retirement? Is he scared? What of? You need to find out why it is that once you are apart he begins to make excuses about your life together.
You have put all your eggs in one basket and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that someone will get hurt eventually. Issuing ultimatums don't usually work...it will only put him in a corner but you do need to make it clear to him that you want more of a life otherwise he will continue with this deception.
There has to be reasons why he is still married. What are they? And what about his wife? How will she feel? Just because they are leading separate lives doesn't mean to say that she doesn't get anything out of the marriage.
It is time to discuss the future with him, evaluate whether you can still hope and seriously consider a future that may not have him in it. The only reason why you won't find love again is because you are with someone who can't give you 100% love, making you unavailable for anyone else. Remember you don't know what is round the corner.
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (3 February 2006):
 Never say never you do`nt know what life has in store for you, but it sounds like when together you are good but when apart you pine, you understand that he is not going to leave his wife for sometime, and it sounds like the sexual part of there relationship is over but not the marriage and a marriage is more that just sex.
He is treating both of you appallingly and someone is inevitably going to get hurt soon.
You are going out as a couple and sleeping together as a couple, and sometimes living together for short periods of time but he just wont make the full on comitment to you, why does he have to wait until he is retired, that would not be a nice thing to do to his wife as she maybe looking forward to retirement with him.
You need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it, either he leaves his wife now or you split up, harsh but better all round.
I do understand as i have had a similar problem and the only way i resolved it was to be the strong one and lay my cards on the table, this was in my mind harm minimisation, good luck but dont wait for something that may never happen.
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